A first-hand account of the fallout from one drunken summer night in July 2005.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Seriously good morning!

So last night started out bad. Brad said he would be at my house right after work so we could have our little chat. Well, 6:00 came and went. So did 7. By 9:00 I tried his cellphone, which went straight to voicemail. It was starting to look more and more like he blew me off, and not in the way I prefer him to. At 10:30, as I sat on the couch going through an old cardboard box of various things I haven't seen since I moved in, my phone rang. It was Brad. He asked what I was doing, so I told him. He said "Okay" and hung up. Puzzled, and a little pissed off, I called him back. I asked if that was all he wanted, he said "Pretty much, be there in 10" and hung up again.

When he got there, the first thing he said was sorry for being late, he had lost track of time. (I know, 4 hours is a lot of time to lose track of, but if you knew Brad at all, it's not at all unusual for him to pull this off) So he sat on the couch and we talked for a few minutes, and then he asked if I was hungry. I said "not really, but I could eat..." so we jumped in my car and went out. We drove around for over an hour and had a really good talk. He said he didn't think I would be happy going out West, but if I wasn't happy with my job and situation here, then I probably should give it a try. He told me that he never once said he wanted to go out West, but that he had to in order to right some wrongs, which is true and I told him I understood. He asked why I always objected to the idea of him going before, and I told him it was because I would miss him so bad. He smiled and said that if we both went, chances are we would both go to work for his cousins' company so we would see each other all the time out there. And that was that. For the rest of the drive we just shot the shit about other things, he wanted to know all about my new car and when I was getting it, if I would sell my house or rent it out, etc. When we got back to my place, he came inside with me, and once there, he removed his shoes and locked the door. He caught me looking at him, and he said "I'm too tired to drive home, probably just crash here again" and I nodded and smiled to myself.

We watched TV for a half an hour or so, and I could see him out of the corner of my eye dozing off now and then. I switched the TV off and stood up. He stood also and said "Bedtime" and headed to my bedroom. Just like last time, when I got in there he was already buried in the blankets, presumably asleep. I undressed and crawled in next to him, accidentally bumping his sprained ankle. He let out a yelp and I felt really bad. He said it was okay and started massaging it. I told him to lay back and I would take care of it. I pulled the blankets back and noticed that he was wearing my underwear from the other night. He grinned and asked if they looked familiar. I said yes and that he could keep them as a reminder of me. I grabbed some Hot Ice from the night stand and started rubbing his swollen ankle. Once it heated up, Brad relaxed a little and the swelling in his ankle went down. However, the more I rubbed, I noticed the swelling in his crotch was increasing. He noticed me looking and said that I should have been a massage therapist. I asked if it felt that good, and he said yes, and that any other massage I've ever given him had had the same effect.

I started rubbing further up his leg, going from his calf (which was knotted pretty bad) to his knee that he has messed up so many times, to his thick solid thigh that makes me drool every time I catch a glimpse of it. He was letting out tiny little moans as I worked my way further toward his crotch. I was inside the leg of his underwear now and rubbing the inside of his thigh, brushing his balls. He was hard as a rock and a wet spot was already showing on the front of his shorts. He scooted his ass a little further down the bed and I seized his hips when he moved. I lifted his ass off the bed and hooked the waist of his shorts around my thumbs. His beautiful cock smacked back against his stomach and I made sure to be very careful when I pulled his shorts down over his ankle. He reached for his cock and I pushed his hand away. I held both of his hands at his sides while I licked the entire length of his dick up, and back down. I took him full into my mouth and started bobbing up and down. He was leaking quite a bit already and it tasted so fucking good. I grabbed his wrists again and put his hands on the back of my head. I pulled off him long enough to say "control me" and took him back in. He was bobbing my head up and down while pumping his hips to meet me. He was gasping already and leaking like crazy so I figured he would go off in no time. But, I must have sucked on him for about 10 minutes before he pulled my head off and said he "needed to fuck me".

I sat up on my knees and he reached in the table and got the lube. When he turned back around he grabbed my underwear and yanked them down. He moved around behind me and immediately crashed into my back, kissing my neck, biting my ears, grinding his cock into my asscrack, rubbing his big hands around me, down my stomach, grabbing my cock and jerking it a few times. With his left hand he started lubing up my ass and I fell back into him some more. I grabbed the lube and squirted a bunch into my right hand. I reached around and grabbed his cock and greased it all up for him. He stopped lubing me up and shoved me down onto my hands and knees. "Oh it's gonna be like that is it?" I asked him, mischieviously. "Yup, that's how we both like it, right?" He replied, and I said yes. He started in a bit quick and it burned like a motherfucker but I gritted my teeth and just told him to take it easy. He slowed some, but not a lot, and before I knew it he was in balls-deep. He let out a loud sigh and I held his hips still for a few minutes. He started moving his hips slowly so I let him go. He picked up the pace quickly and in no time he had me slamming against the headboard. He was on fire for someone who just about half an hour or so ago was falling asleep on the couch. He had both hands on my shoulders and was pulling me back onto his cock. It felt so fucking good all I could do was grip the sheets and moan like a whore. He laid down on my back which feels so good when we're both all sweaty and he reached his right hand under me and started jerking me off again. I was in one of those moods where I think I could have gone all night without cumming, and I was gonna try to make it last as long as I could.

I could feel his breath on the back of my neck; it was so fucking hot. He started grunting in my ear and biting my earlobe. From there he moved down and started sucking hard on my neck. He was driving me crazy. I pushed us both up so we were both high on our knees, Brad still inside me and my head was tilted back on his left shoulder, his tongue still going crazy on my neck. He was jerking me off with both hands now, and he had a generous amount of lube on them so between that and him sucking on my neck and his thick 8 inches jammed up my ass I was in ecstacy.

After about 10 minutes of this, my head was spinning from the feeling of everything. He was making these deep growls in his throat and his hot breath on my neck, bathed in sweat. He had an iron grip on my cock and was paying a lot of attention to the head. Out of nowhere I felt the cum rising and I exploded with a loud "Ohhhhhhh FUCK" and I jammed myself back onto his pole. He kept jerking me and my cum was flying everywhere. I had my head thrown back and he was growling "oh yeah fuckin cum everywhere man shoot that fuckin load all over us both" and that just spurred me on even more. I tightened my ass as much as I could and started riding him for all I was worth. He grabbed me by the shoulders again and started pulling me back onto him as I bounced up and down which made for one rough ending. I turned my head for a second and I saw his face; bright red, covered in sweat, his eyes closed and his tongue half out. At some point he had gained three long scratches across his chest and they were bright red. He looked like a complete animal banging away at me. He was now biting his bottom lip and he started saying "fuck fuck fuck I'm cummin' FUCK... OH FUCK YEAH" and he dug his nails into my hips and slammed his cock home, deep inside me. His explosion felt like he hadn't cum in a month, it was so warm and it felt like there were gallons of it. He kept pumping in and out of me, slower every time, until finally he stopped. I could feel his legs shaking so I pulled us both down onto the bed, me on my stomach, Brad on my back, still inside of me. I felt him kiss my neck again and that's all I remember before falling asleep.

I remember having a dream last night, where this was all a dream. Like, IN the dream, I woke up in my bed, expecting to feel Brad beside me, but when I rolled over he wasn't there. So when I awoke from THAT dream, and could feel his leg thrown across me, one arm under my head, his other arm thrown over me, our chests and stomachs pressed together, and his slow steady warm breath on my cheek, I was all good. I laid there for probably half an hour, just listening to him breathe. I went to kick my foot out from under the blankets and I accidentally hit his ankle again. He jolted awake, and all I could say was "sorry sorry sorry". He grinned and said "don't worry about it". My throat was so dry, so he got out of bed and walked to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of water and a cigarette for each of us.

I had to laugh at myself when I thought of this: I always used to say how our whole "thing" reminded me sooo much of Brokeback Mountain and this was the scene where Jack and Ennis are in bed in the motel, laying on each other, talking, and smoking. This was just exactly what we were doing. We must have laid there for half an hour just talking about whatever. For some reason I thought he might get out of bed, get dressed and go home. But he didn't. He laid back down and said "G'night" I said the same, and laid down beside him. I pressed my body up against him and fell sound asleep until my alarm went off this morning. I reluctantly climbed out of bed, and told Brad to go back to sleep. I showered and got ready for work, and went back in my room. I told him I was leaving and he said "I'll lock 'er up when I leave" so I smiled and told him to stay as long as he wanted. He said bye and rolled back over to sleep again.

So I was once again a happy boy as I set out to work. I didn't care for the fact that I had to LEAVE him and GO to work, but at least I was in a good mood. 12 hours ago I was sitting on the couch pissed off at him because he said he would show up and he didn't, but things with him always seem to go like that. Just when he gets me to the point where I almost give up on him, he comes back and makes everything twice as better as before. Some people would say that's a bad thing, but then again, love is blind.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


So I've been doing some major thinking over the past week or so, you know like "re-evaluating" everything that has happened over the last year or so. Not just Brad, but I mean everything. In the past five years my life has unfolded in a completely different direction than I had planned when I graduated highschool. If I could go back to my 18-year old self, I would say that by the time I'm 23, I will be a married paramedic, most likely with at least one child. I was ready for all of that when I was 18, until it all started to actually happen, and then I couldn't keep ahold of anything. My girlfriend turned into someone that I felt I had never met before, much less didn't like anymore because of that, and when she left, I quit paramedic school, quit my part-time job which very easily could have been turned into a decent full time position at a place I loved to work at. I went through some serious shit for the next 6 months and then took some time off to re-focus. Just when I thought I was back on track, I derailed again, not as bad this time, but on my way back up, both of my parents and my grandfather were all diagnosed with some sort of cancer. My grandfather subsequently died because of that and even now, 2 years later, I still carry an enormous amount of grief and I still haven't had any closure. That, mixed in with all the other chaos has just been building up more and more and I'm at a point now where something has got to change. I can't keep worrying about the things that I've been worrying about.

I have constant headaches, my stomach must be full of ulcers, most nights I don't sleep because I can't stop wondering what if I'd done this or that? I'm the type of person that gets a temporary high out of material things. For as long as I can remember, whenever I would get down on myself, I would buy something. Over the years it has escalated from things like cell phones to a new car to a house. And after the novelty wears off I'm stuck with the "what the hell have I done?" feeling. I deeply regret buying a house, as much as I love it, but it's a financial burden on me with the type of lifestyle I want to have. The small town in which I live is constantly getting smaller as more and more people move West. Businesses have started to close; friends that I used to see every day have gone, and I feel increasingly more alone all the time. Especially whenever Brad talks about going West also.

He hasn't spoken much about this since last Christmas, when we had the big talk about how I didn't want him to go. As selfish as I sounded, he never spoke of it again until about a month ago. He sounded more serious this time, and looking at how he has changed over the past while, I'm starting to think that maybe it would be better for him if he does go. That's why I started looking at my own situation, and how he and I have been moving somewhat forward/sideways, but at least not backwards. I know now after a year that it's not just a crush, and sometimes I still have trouble dealing with being in love with another guy when, just a few years ago, all I wanted from a guy was his cock or ass, nothing more. That, combined with my deteriorating financial situation (resulting from something that I don't even want anymore and could easily sell for a profit), I think it would be wise for me to go West also. I'd make wicked money, it'd be an adventure. I have a lot of friends and family out there, so it wouldn't be like I'm totally isolating myself. In fact, if Brad goes out, most of my best friends would all be within a 3 hour drive. So this afternoon I called him and asked him to come to my house tonight so I could ask him something. He agreed to be there right after work. When he gets there I'm going to ask just how serious he is about going, and if he wants to drive out with me if I decide to go (7 days on the road is a long way by yourself...) but I guess if I was going to go alone I would probably fly. I've always wanted to drive across the country though, I think it'd be so fun.

Anyway, we'll see how things go. I need to stop jumping ahead of myself. I just really needed to bare myself here more than I usually do. Thanks.


Monday, August 21, 2006

My summer (shorthand)

I know, the title sounds like a paper written by a 5th grader, but hey, it's been a long time, I've had a very busy summer, and I'm just now finding the time to write a post. I'm not going to bother with the low spots, nothing insignificant...

Around the first of July, my roommates announced that they were buying their own house and that they would be out by the end of the month. I'd always dreamed of this moment, wanting to experience life in my new house alone. But the morning after they'd moved out, I was instantly lonely. I missed the kid running around the house screaming, making messes, causing me undue stress. I honestly missed it all more than I'd ever missed anything before. I wanted them to move back in. But, like everyone told me, I would get used to it, and like it. And I have. I did go out and get a puppy though. It's different. When the roomies and the kid lived there, I would get stressed out, but I never was responsible for the kid. If he made a mess, I didn't have to clean it up. With a puppy, it's all on me. When he's barking his ass off at 3 a.m., I have to get up. All he wants to do is play. I don't wanna play at 3 a.m. So that's taking some adjusting. But whatever...

About the second week I was on my own, Brad showed up one night and we went out drinking. We were on our way to an afterparty somewhere and he asked if he could crash at my house. I of course said yes, and the after-party wasn't much of a party, so we left. He drove somewhat quickly to my house, and once we were seated on the couch, he flips the satellite straight to a porno. Inside my head I was saying "thank God... No subtleties (sp) tonight" but usual me, I waited too long to make my move, and suddenly I found myself waking up about an hour later, blank TV screen, and Brad sound asleep beside me on the couch.

"Fuck" I thought, "I'll never ever get him awake now, and even if he does, the chances of anything happening now are slim..." So I started nudging him, shaking him, I even kicked his legs off the coffee table. At one point I thought he was dead... He fell over onto his side on the couch and I thought I saw some sort of a quick grin on his face. I slowly lowered myself over top of him, and just when I was about as close as I could get, he got me first. His eyes snapped open and he jumped up, grabbing my shoulders and flipping me down onto the couch as he got up. It all happened so quick and before I could barely react, I was on my back and he was sitting on my crotch holding me down by the shoulders.

"I'm sneaky..." he said and shoved his tongue down my throat. When he pulled away he said something about us not being together for awhile and he'd had a hardon for 3 days thinking about the weekend. I asked him what made him so sure I was automatically going to give in to him, and he just looked at me, like "Seriously dude... c'mon" which most people would take offense to, but we both knew that was the truth... Especially when he said "Well, you ARE in love with me right? Or at least my cock... Either way I don't mind"

(I'm assuming this was a reference to the 3 or 4 times over the summer we would take off and have these silent short little flings, like we'd drive to the camp, neither of us saying anything, walk in, both go right to bed, I'd give him a blowjob or something and we'd go to sleep, wake up, like nothing happened. It was simple, quick, and satisfying for both)

But I knew when he yanked me off the couch this wasn't gonna be one of those times. We walked into my bedroom and he closed the door. He started taking my shirt off and he opened the door again, and walked out. I asked what he was doing; he said "I keep forgetting you live alone now." and the stereo came on full blast, and Brad walked back in. "We can finally be alone-alone. Let's take advantage of it."

From there on, we both got a little wild again. I shoved him down onto the bed and pushed him onto his back. I yanked my shirt over my head; Brad complimented me on the results of my stepped-up workout routine over the summer (thanks in part to this disgusting seaweed and some-other-crap mixture I drink every morning to improve muscle definition) and I proceeded to rip his shirt off, accidentally actually ripping it in the process, and slid down his legs and pulled his pants, underwear and socks off in one move. I grabbed his wrists and held them at his sides while I took his cock all the way down in one swoop. He arched his back and growled how he loved it when I deepthroat him and he tried to pry his hands away but I held tight. He had his legs bent at the knees and was pumping his hips to meet my mouth. I was sucking really hard on his head for about 5 minutes when he told me rather sharply to stop. I pulled off and looked up at him. He said "Man that was crazy, I was gonna go off." So I grinned and said it was his turn. I got up on my knees on the bed and he got on his and kissed me hard enough that I thought for a minute that he'd split my lip.

My hardon was about to rip out through my jeans and we both started trying to unbuckle my belt. Brad stood up and pulled me off the bed and yanked my pants down. He led me to the shower and, once we were inside he was like a wild man again. He slammed me up against the shower wall, knocking all the shampoo and stuff down. He got on his knees and put both hands on my hipbones, pushing me into the wall, holding me there. He started bobbing up and down on my cock, gagging a little at first but he warmed up quickly. I reached up and pointed the shower head down on us and turned the hot water up more. He moved one hand down to my balls and was pulling down on them, inching his way to my ass. The hot water had loosened everything up pretty good and before I knew it he had one finger all the way inside me. He was still taking me all the way down and he backed off long enough to say that I tasted "fucking wicked". I grabbed his head and pushed him back down onto me. He was doing the tongue thing that I love so much and had started jerking himself off. As soon as I took my hands off his head he pulled off me again and said he was going to fuck me, hard. He stood up and turned me around, pushing me back up against the wall. I have no idea what he used for lube but he slid right in. I groaned as his cock slammed into my prostate; he moaned as I tightened my ass around him. He started slamming away and we went on like that for at least 20 minutes. I was seeing stars. The steam in the shower was so heavy and we were both breathing so hard; I was starting to get light-headed. My hands slipped off the wall once and I almost fell down. I caught myself and turned the shower off. Brad pulled out and said "gotta get the fuck out of here" so he pulled out and stepped out of the shower. He had grabbed a towel and had started drying himself but I jumped out and grabbed him, throwing the towel down. I smashed into him and shoved him up against the bathroom door, every part of me touching every part of him. I backed up a little and opened the door, pushing him out into the hallway. He started going back into my bedroom but I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room. We were both dripping water everywhere but I didn't care. He said we were going to get the couch all wet so I pushed him down onto the coffee table. I specifically bought the biggest table I could find, just in case something like this ever came around. I know I could park my car on it and it would still hold.

He was laying on his back and I laid down on top of him and started kissing and biting his neck and ears. He was out of breath but managed to hiss into my ear that he wanted me to fuck him. I slid off of him onto the floor and spread his legs. I grabbed his hips and slid him closer to the edge of the table and started rimming his ass. We haven't really done this much but whenever I do it to him he seems to like it. This particular night he really liked it and was moving his hips and throwing his head back and moaning like a bitch in heat. As soon as I heard the words "fuck me" I was on my feet and deep inside of him. He winced and his whole body tightened; a pained expression came over his face. I stopped and he opened his eyes, "I'm alright" he said, so I kept going. Slowly at first, but I picked up in no time. He was on his back as I held his legs by the ankles, plowing away at his sexy little ass.

The music was still blaring from the stereo, and with eight surround-sound speakers everywhere in the room, it made for an intense atmosphere. The only light was the amber street light shining in through the window and was bathing everything in a pale orange glow. Brad's tanned skin looked even hotter with a sheen of sweat and water on it, his eyes screwed shut, teeth bared, his muscly legs in the air, right hand on his fat dripping cock and the other hand tugging at his balls. I felt very much alive at that moment. A rush of something, adrenaline likely, came over me. Like the first time I tried coke, it was instant energy, a feeling of power or something. I think all of my blood drained from my head and went straight to my cock. I couldn't think about anything else but fucking Brad right then, on my coffee table, while Crazy Bitch by BuckCherry roared away. I pushed his legs further apart and fell in between them, never breaking our rhythm. I jammed my mouth against his for a quick second and then latched onto his shoulder, almost like I was eating a steak. He yelped but like I said, I either didn't realize or didn't care. He wrapped both arms around my back and was digging his nails into me.

I could feel his cock between us, leaking like a river. I started moving my hips differently so when I thrust in, my stomach would rub his cock. His ass was getting tighter and his tongue left my neck and he grabbed my head again. He wrapped both legs around me and gasped that he was cumming. I just went "un huh" as if to say "Yeah me too" and as soon as he opened his mouth, I was down his throat again as my cock exploded inside him. At the same time I could feel his gigantic load blowing up between us and I completely gave up on supporting myself over him. His nails dug deep into my back and went from the base of my spine to the tops of my shoulder blades. It felt so fucking good, all those sensations at the same time. Brad's tongue was deep in my mouth and I was sucking on it as hard as I suck on his cock. Our hot breath could barely escape the seal our lips made. I had to pull away; I couldn't breathe. I picked my still-spinning head up, Brad let out another moan. His cum completely covered our stomachs. I slowly raised up and pulled myself out of his ass. He whimpered when I did this, which really made me look at him. He's usually the one in control, the "master", so to speak. So when I pulled my cock out of him and he made that sound, like he felt empty, it made me feel good.

I knew whatever kind of a relationship we had or would have in the future wasn't going to be one of those "I'm the woman, he's the man"-type things, we're both too masculine. Plus neither of us has ever said who's the top and who's the bottom. Since day one we've just kinda gone with it, whoever ends up where is fine. He usually fucks me, but that's not how it always has to be. The same with when I suck him off, I just really like the taste of his cock. It's not like he's never blown me before.

So as I stood up and cracked my back, I looked down at Brad still laying there, his eyes half open, legs spread and bent over the edges of the table, his right arm hanging down, his left hand lazily rubbing his cum into his stomach. The street light was shining in through the window casting that cool orange glow across his gleaming sweaty body. His cock now hung limp between his legs. I walked over to the stereo and turned it off. I saw him watch me walk across the room, and when I turned back around he whispered "holy fuck" and closed his eyes again. I grinned and offered him my hand. He grabbed it and I pulled him up. The top of the table was covered in sweat. He grabbed the towel and quickly wiped the table off, then his stomach, then mine. He walked straight into my bedroom and fell face-first on the bed. I brushed my teeth, and when I walked in the bedroom he was already buried under the blankets, fast asleep. I climbed over him and got under the blankets. After I laid there for about 5 minutes, he rolled over and blew softly on my face. I smiled and asked what he wanted.

"Some suga' " he said and leaned in for a good-night kiss. When he backed off, I started to say I loved him but I caught myself. He asked what I was trying to say; I said "nothing".

He raised his head up some and said "Look, you and I both know what you wanna say, so just say it. It's not like you haven't said it before."

"Yeah I know, but I didn't say it before. I shouted it while we were in a fight. I don't think that counts." I replied.

"Hell yeah it counts. It doesn't matter how you say it, it all means the same." He said.

"Yeah Brad I know, but to be honest, I don't wanna say it because I know I'm not gonna hear it back, so what's the point?" I asked.

"How do you know you won't hear it back?" he asked, "You'll never know unless you say it to me first." He said.

"I know. It just doesn't feel right, right now." I told him. He said "okay" in a tone that reassured me that he was thinking I wanted to drop it, and that was fine with him.

I know some of you are thinking I'm retarded for not saying it, but it really didn't feel right. It felt right when he was kissing me but then we had that little conversation and it ruined the moment. So I laid my head down on his right arm and we fell asleep. I'd awake now and then through the night to find his leg draped over me, or his arm around me; his steady breath on my back, it didn't matter. He was there with me, that was all I needed.

The next morning I woke up and looked at the clock. It said it was 11:15. I laid back down and he groaned and half-opened his eyes. I whispered "good mornin'" to him, and he tried to say it back but all that came out was a dry crackly sound. Then he goes "water" and points to his mouth. I laughed and climbed over him and went to the kitchen to grab him a bottle of water. When I got back he pulled me back into bed and we both laid there for an hour, just talking, smoking, drinking water. It was rainy outside, and I honestly could've laid there all weekend.

We got out of bed around noon, and stood in the kitchen in our underwear (him wearing mine, me wearing his) and made breakfast. Afterwards, we showered and agreed that we would take our cars to his house and put them in the barn and fix whatever needed fixing on them. There was honestly nothing better to do on a rainy Saturday, and we were both still tired as hell from the workout the night before.

So that's a nice part of my summer that I like to replay a lot in my head... Sure, other stuff happened, and I'll get around to that. So this should hold you over for now...


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hang in!

New post coming right up soon!

Sorry for the extended abscence... (sp?) I am just very very active in the summer... Shoulda told you that.