Crossroad

So I've been doing some major thinking over the past week or so, you know like "re-evaluating" everything that has happened over the last year or so. Not just Brad, but I mean everything. In the past five years my life has unfolded in a completely different direction than I had planned when I graduated highschool. If I could go back to my 18-year old self, I would say that by the time I'm 23, I will be a married paramedic, most likely with at least one child. I was ready for all of that when I was 18, until it all started to actually happen, and then I couldn't keep ahold of anything. My girlfriend turned into someone that I felt I had never met before, much less didn't like anymore because of that, and when she left, I quit paramedic school, quit my part-time job which very easily could have been turned into a decent full time position at a place I loved to work at. I went through some serious shit for the next 6 months and then took some time off to re-focus. Just when I thought I was back on track, I derailed again, not as bad this time, but on my way back up, both of my parents and my grandfather were all diagnosed with some sort of cancer. My grandfather subsequently died because of that and even now, 2 years later, I still carry an enormous amount of grief and I still haven't had any closure. That, mixed in with all the other chaos has just been building up more and more and I'm at a point now where something has got to change. I can't keep worrying about the things that I've been worrying about.

I have constant headaches, my stomach must be full of ulcers, most nights I don't sleep because I can't stop wondering what if I'd done this or that? I'm the type of person that gets a temporary high out of material things. For as long as I can remember, whenever I would get down on myself, I would buy something. Over the years it has escalated from things like cell phones to a new car to a house. And after the novelty wears off I'm stuck with the "what the hell have I done?" feeling. I deeply regret buying a house, as much as I love it, but it's a financial burden on me with the type of lifestyle I want to have. The small town in which I live is constantly getting smaller as more and more people move West. Businesses have started to close; friends that I used to see every day have gone, and I feel increasingly more alone all the time. Especially whenever Brad talks about going West also.

He hasn't spoken much about this since last Christmas, when we had the big talk about how I didn't want him to go. As selfish as I sounded, he never spoke of it again until about a month ago. He sounded more serious this time, and looking at how he has changed over the past while, I'm starting to think that maybe it would be better for him if he does go. That's why I started looking at my own situation, and how he and I have been moving somewhat forward/sideways, but at least not backwards. I know now after a year that it's not just a crush, and sometimes I still have trouble dealing with being in love with another guy when, just a few years ago, all I wanted from a guy was his cock or ass, nothing more. That, combined with my deteriorating financial situation (resulting from something that I don't even want anymore and could easily sell for a profit), I think it would be wise for me to go West also. I'd make wicked money, it'd be an adventure. I have a lot of friends and family out there, so it wouldn't be like I'm totally isolating myself. In fact, if Brad goes out, most of my best friends would all be within a 3 hour drive. So this afternoon I called him and asked him to come to my house tonight so I could ask him something. He agreed to be there right after work. When he gets there I'm going to ask just how serious he is about going, and if he wants to drive out with me if I decide to go (7 days on the road is a long way by yourself...) but I guess if I was going to go alone I would probably fly. I've always wanted to drive across the country though, I think it'd be so fun.

Anyway, we'll see how things go. I need to stop jumping ahead of myself. I just really needed to bare myself here more than I usually do. Thanks.

~Clark~