A first-hand account of the fallout from one drunken summer night in July 2005.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Spring Fever

I guess I should apoligize for not blogging for almost 3 weeks. It's not that nothing interesting has happened, but I just had to take a step back for awhile and re-focus on some things.

As I said in my last post, everything worked out okay in the end with my dad walking into the camp and finding me and Brad in bed together. Bitch in still being persistant in talking to him (my dad) and finding out what he really saw. She's still convinced that Brad was out there with another girl. This is hilarious because she's too stupid for her own good. She's said for so long that Brad and I are "together" but when she's actually told that he and I were the only two people at the camp that night, she doesn't believe it. As soon as I heard that she was trying to bring my dad into the whole mess, I freaked. I told her no one, especially my dad of all people, wanted drug into the shitstorm that is her life, because no one cares. All she knows how to do is bitch, which she gets honestly because her mother is the dictionary definition of the word, so I guess you can't really hold it against her. She still insists on staying at my house a lot of the time, but that's coming to an end tonight whether she likes it or not.

Brad finally bought a new car last week. Which is good, because the guy hasn't had his own car since he totalled his last one 3 years ago. But last night showed everyone why it's a bad thing too. Like I said, in the winter, he uses his snowmobile to travel around, which can be limited depending on how cold it is out and how far you really want to go. With a car, none of that matters, and when he gets in one of those blind rages, you never know where he might end up. So last night, he and Bitch got in a huuuuge fight in his bedroom, and he flung the dresser over and punched the back out of it. And as Bitch walked out, he put his fist through the door also. She got in her car and left. Where does she come? My house. Why I have no idea. That's how I found all of this out, from her. She kept wondering if he was going to work or not and finally I just said "Call his damn cell phone and ask him if it's driving you that crazy" and she hands ME the phone and says "You do it. I don't wanna talk to him" I said no, because it was none of my business what happened between the two of them, and plus I didn't really have anything else to ask him and I didn't wanna be like "Hi u going to work? Okay bye." because I'd been talking to him earlier that day and he'd already said he had to work that night. So Bitch started dialing his cell and he drove by my house, which is on the way to his work, and it was about the time he would have been going to work so she closed the phone and set it down. "Obviously he's going" she said, and I nodded.

About 20 minutes later, I got in my car to go get some cigarettes and when I pulled into the parking lot, I saw his car there. And his dad's car sitting right beside it. I walked inside and saw Brad at the counter paying for a 12-pack of beer. He turned and smiled when he saw me, and I said "decided to call in sick?" He said yeah, and asked if I wanted to go drink beer with him. Of course I said yes. When we got back outside, his dad cornered him and they got in a shouting match over why he didn't go to work. Brad just said "go home and look at my bedroom. I'm just in a bad mood." So that was that. We drove to the baseball field and watched the rest of the game there, and then headed down to a friends house to watch the hockey game. About 11:30 Brad said he was going home, and since I had to work today, I said I was leaving to go home too. When we got outside, I stood in front of his door and asked where he was going. He said he didn't know, so I said I wasn't moving until he figured it out. He persisted in saying he was gonna drive around for awhile, not smart when he's had enough beer plus he's in a "mood". Finally I got tired of arguing with him so I shook his hand, and said goodbye. He asked why I "said it like that", and I replied with "because the way you're going tonight I might not ever see you again." He gave me the classic eye roll, and I told him "you never know what might happen." He assured me he would be fine, and I said "okay but I'm calling your cell phone at 1:30. If you answer it and let me know where you are, it's cool. If you don't answer, I'm getting back in my car and coming to look for you." He said fine, and off we drove. He turned up the road to his house when we drove by it, and I kept going to my house.

Naturally, when I got home, Bitch was there, crashing on the couch again. She had to know all the details but I was too damn tired, and I had a feeling I would be getting up again in an hour to start a search party. Sure enough, at 1:28, I awake to see Bitch standing over my bed with her cell in her hand. I asked what she was doing, and she said "he's sitting outside in his car." and right when she said that, I heard a car drive away. She walked out and I grabbed my phone. He picked up on the third ring, sounding very chipper. I asked where he was going. "Home" he said. I asked where he was, he described a part of the road thats known for lots of animals at night, along with two very twisty turns. I asked how fast he was going. "90" he said (kilometres an hour, about 55 mph) which wasn't too bad. "I'm crossing the bridge now. Oh, and I'm up to 130 now." (About 82 mph) which is too fast to be driving on that road at 1:30 in the morning. I started to say something and he said "Bye" and hung up. I just laid there in bed, shaking my head when about 5 minutes later Bitch walked back in and handed me her phone. "Listen to that voicemail" she said. It was Brad, who must have left it right when he hung up on me, saying "next time you see me I won't be saying hi and I won't be saying bye. You're not here to stop me tonight" and hung up. I dropped her phone and jumped out of bed and started pulling my jeans on. She said she was coming with me, and I said "the fuck you are bitch, you're the reason he's in this mood tonight." She said "if he tries to kill himself I wanna be there to laugh in his face" which was about the point I felt like putting my fist through her face. "If I can't go with you I'll just take my own car" and started to walk towards the door. I was quicker though, and on my way out I grabbed her keys off the bar and my rommmates car keys off the wall. "You're not fuckin goin anywhere" I said to her as I jumped in my car and drove away.

I drove like a bat out of hell until I got to the bad stretch of road. Then I slowed down and started looking for a red car in the ditch, against a tree, or a hole in the bridge's guardrail. Nothing. I followed the road all the way to his house, where I was more than relieved to see his car parked in the driveway. There was a light on inside, so I killed my headlights and turned in the cul-de-sac. I was gonna just go back home, but part of me was still trying to tell me he wasn't alright yet, for me to go back. But I didn't wanna wake anyone else in the house up, so I drove down the road a ways and left the car there. I started walking back towards his house and my cell rang. It was him. He sounded a lot calmer.
"I'm home." he said
"Good. You're okay?" I asked
"Yeah. I'm cool. Where are you?" He asked
"Just taking a walk."
"Couldn't sleep?" He asked
"Something like that," I replied, "do me a favour? Just talk to me for a few minutes?"
"Sure" he said.

As I walked, he said how he had broken something on his car on the way home and where it sat in the driveway was where it died. He hasn't even made his first payment on it yet, and it was busted already. I told him it sounded like the alternator, that it wasn't his fault, when they go, they just go. You can't really intentionally break one. And his car isn't BRAND new, either. By now I was standing at his front door, debating whether to go in or not. I walked around back and stood in front of the sliding glass door. I oculd see him in the light from the TV but he had no idea that I was even near his house, let alone standing outside like a peeping tom watching him. It was kinda funny. He was drinking a glass of chocolate milk *gag* and a bologna sandwich. How I knew it was bologna, I have no idea, I just did. As we were talking, he took a drink of milk and some of it spilled on his shirt.
"Better put something on that or it'll stain" I said into the phone.
He said, "Yeah I kn--- where the hell are you?" He whispered.
I started giggling and asked if his sandwich tasted good. He grinned and turned towards the door. Into the phone I asked if this door was locked. He said no and I slid it open and walked in.
"heyyy, you finally freaked me out." He grinned.

I sat down beside him on the couch and we talked back and forth about how Bitch is psychotic and about how mad Brad was when she said she was going to bring my dad in on the whole thing and just stuff like that. He suggested we go outside for a cigarette after about 10 minutes. After we finished I told him that I was going home. He told me just to sleep there for the night, where it was so late. I said no, because I had to get up for work anyways, and plus there was nowhere to sleep.
"With me" he said quietly. He had that look in his eyes. "I really need to relieve some pent up frusteration.
"Not in your parents' house." I told him.
"I can be quiet" he bargained.
"If you're gonna be relieving pent up frusteration, I don't wanna be quiet." I said with a laugh.
"Yeah, you're right. Probably should just go to sleep." He started walking back in the house when he turned. He stuck his hand out so I grabbed it and shook it. He pulled me into a hug, a big, tight one. He wrapped both arms around me, and I wrapped mine around him. He pushed me gently up against the wall and pressed his whole body into mine. He buried his head in my shoulder and whispered "thanks for making sure I was okay." I whispered back "no problem" and kissed his cheek. He turned his head and kissed my lips, still hugging me almost too tightly. He pulled back, and said goodnight. Then he stopped and said "why do you worry about me so much?"
"Because I don't have anything else in my life that I care enough about." I could feel it coming. I was gonna say it. But I didn't. I stopped myself. In retrospect I probably should have. If he would have received it in a good way, that was the time. But I didn't. By the look on his face, I think he was about half-expecting me to say it too. He had a twinkle in his eyes. I smiled and started walking down the steps.
He whispered "good night" again, and I whispered it back. I heard him tell his dog something, and a minute later I turn to see the dog following me. She caught up to me and walked past about 3 steps. She led me all the way to my car, sat down beside it until I got in, and when I reached my hand out to pat her head, she licked it twice and started strolling back to the house. This is the smartest dog I have ever seen. She took me all this way (about half a city block) to my car, waited until I was inside, then walked back home.

I fully expected Bitch to be waiting up for me when I got home, but she wasn't. I snuck inside and went to bed and somehow woke up on time and dragged myself into work. So that pretty much brings us up to right now, and I just got a voicemail from Brad asking me about his car. So I'm gonna get back to work; call him back, and I'll try to keep a better timeline of things... Later

Sunday, May 07, 2006

My longest weekend/post ever

Well another eventful weekend is drawing to a close. Naturally, Bitch was in full blown Bitch mode starting Friday night, So Brad wanted to be nowhere near her. Also, she was planning on staying at my house for the night, so I knew if Brad and I were going to hang out, I was gonna have to leave the house.

So we jump in the car and headed down to Cuz's place - he invited a few friends over and we had a campfire down by the water. It was a great time, we all had a little more to drink than we should have, and I got dared to strip and jump in the water. Keep in mind, I live in Eastern Canada, and it's only the first of May, so the water is by no means "swimmable" just yet. But me being me, took the dare and stripped, walked straight into the water up to my knees and dove in, did a few circles and got back out. Everyone was laughing and whatever, no one thought I would actually do it. But I did, and put my clothes back on and the party continued. Then about an hour later, someone said they thought I wouldn't go back in, I told him for $50 I would; a fifty came out and my clothes came off once again. Back in the water I went for a few minutes and got back out again. I got dressed and apparently had no idea just how drunk and/or cold I was, and while warming myself by the fire, realized that my shoe had melted. It was all good, my foot wasn't burned or anything, just a ruined pair of shoes.

We sat around for another hour or so, a group of girls had shown up, and this one girl that Drew used to hook up with started talking to me - a lot. Finally she leans in and says something about how by the looks of what I have between my legs that she could have a LOT more fun with me than she had with Drew. So long story short, we made arrangments to go home together. Brad had also clicked with another girl and was planning on going home with her too. But when I got in the car, I started to feel cold, and when I reached down to turn the heater on, I couldn't move my arm. So then I tried moving other things, and I felt paralyzed. That's a damn scary feeling when physically you feel fine, but you cannot move an inch. Everyone else was standing outside around the cars and I couldn't figure out how I was going to get their attention. So after about 10 minutes went by, I was so scared that I built up all my strength and honked the horn. Brad and my hookup both walked over to my window and stood there waiting for me to roll it down. All I could do was stare out at them, so Brad opened the door and asked what was wrong. I told him I couldn't move my body and that I needed to get warmed up. Brad's brother was there, and he's usually the one with the level head, even when he's drunk, so he insisted that I go to the hospital. Needless to say, I did NOT want to go to the hospital, but I went. Brad carried me into the ER and told the nurse, who kept looking at me like I was retarded, what I had done and that he thought I was hypothermic. My body temp had dropped to 95, but I was warming up pretty quickly so the nurse said there was nothing to worry about. The doctor wanted me to stay for the night but I told him no, there was no way I was spending the night there if "I was fine". Much to his dismay, I discharged myself and walked back outside. Everyone was waiting out there, and I just wanted to go to sleep. The reality of everything had set in and I felt pretty stupid. So the hook up hopped into the drivers seat and Brad climbed in the back. Then the hook up remembered she had to get her purse or something out of her friends' car, so she jumped back out. Brad hadn't stopped talking the whole time about how bad he wanted to fuck the girl he was supposed to take home, and honestly by that point I was just sick of listening to it. So I turned around and said "Look, I'm sorry I ruined your night and I'm really sorry you're not gonna get laid and believe me I wish you would so you'd shut the hell up about it. My little trip by the hospital kind of inconvenienced us all and I'm sure I'll have lots of opportunities to apoligize for it this weekend." and I turned back around - I was definitely heated up now. I fully expected him to start firing back like he usually does but I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to the left and he leaned forward between the seats.
"You mean a lot more to me than a hook up, you know that. And if you need to go to the hospital or anywhere else, I don't care what I have to drop to get you there."

I honestly couldn't say anything. I really didn't expect him to say something like that. And honestly I didn't have a chance to respond because hookup had returned and by now the beer goggles had started to wear off so her being in my car now made not much sense. But we drove to my house and her friend pulled in behind us to pick her up. I asked Brad if he was staying here and he said no, that he was gonna go home. I figured that meant he was either gonna keep trying with his hookup or take mine, so I just said whatever and shut the door. He opened it again and said "you make sure you call me tomorrow" and I said "yup" and shut the door again. I suddenly got really pissed off about everything and couldn't seem to get my jacket off so I just ripped it open. I heard a chuckle and turned and saw my roommate standing there.
"What the hell do you have hospital scrubs on for?" He asked me.
"Long fuckin story man, loooooooong fuckin story." I replied.
"Who was that that just left, Brad?" He asked.
"Yeah. And the girl that Drew used to bang." I mumbled.
"Ohhhhhh. I get it." He said and patted me on the shoulder.

I should have just let it go but I wasn't exactly in that mood so I turned around towards him and said "What the hell does that mean?"
"What do you mean?" He asked, "you know, I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be honest with me."

"Maybe" I said,

"Is something going on between you two? It's okay, and I won't tell anyone, I just want you to be honest." He said.

"Why would you think that?" I asked quietly.

He patted the spot beside him on the couch, and I sat down beside him.

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to and let me assume what I have been, if that makes it any easier." He whispered.

I was feeling a lie coming on again, "It's not like that, we just---"

that's when he cut me off with "have sex?"

My heart skipped about 3 beats and I just stared at him.

"Sorry, you don't have to answer that either." he said, looking down.

I could tell that he was sorry he'd brought the whole thing up and I was sorry I had acted the way I did because it's not like he doesn't know about me, he and I fooled around a few times before and he was actually the first person I came out to. He must have been thinking the same thing, because then he jokingly said, "So is he hung better than me?"

We both started laughing and I sensed the possibility that something could come of this.
"Please, I haven't met anyone hung bigger than you - yet." His smile kinda turned into a friendly stare and he said "Huh?"

(He wears these really thin, loose pyjama pants all the time with no underwear so it's totally easy to see his dick swinging back and forth when he walks.) I glanced down at his crotch and noticed he was getting hard. I suddenly got really brave and said "wanna take a swing by the good ole' times?" and he replied the way he used to, by raising his butt up and pulling his pants down with that blank stare. This dude has a huge dick, and he's only about 5'6", so that fact makes it look even bigger. I reached over and grabbed it, jerking it a few times. He moaned and dropped his head back on the couch.

"Suck me, please" he whispered. So I bent over and got as far as the head into my mouth before I had another reality check. I raised my head back up, and told him I couldn't do it. He started to ask why and then stopped and said "Because of him?" I said "no, because of her." He just nodded and said "yeah, you're probably right" and pulled his pants back up. So that was pretty much that and we both went to our respective beds.

The next day, Saturday, I decided to not make anything out of the way I acted last night, I was gonna get teased enough about the whole swimming and supposed hypothermia. So I got up around 12:30 and showered and headed down to Brad's to wake him up. Like I said I decided not to be bitter about anything and now I actually wanted to know how his night went after they left my house.

It took quite a bit to wake him up, but he finally did and we went down to Cuz's place to see if he needed help cleaning up after last night. We sat around there for awhile and decided to head up to the bar. It was awful; nobody was out, but a small group of us got drunk anyways. Another long story short, Brad and I decided to head to the camp at around 3 a.m. Once again, Brad wiped out walking down the hill and it was it was just as funny this time as it was last time. I didn't find it that cold in there but Brad kept saying he was cold so we tried to build a fire. Every single stick of wood was soaked, so the fire was pretty much a no go. After another 45 minutes or so I suggested we just call it a night. He agreed and climbed into bed. I asked if I could sleep on the outside and he said no, a move that would have made things much less awkward the next morning but hindsight is 20/20, right? So anyways, we got under the blankets, fully clothed, and immediately fell asleep. I woke up about an hour later with Brad's arm wrapped around me and his leg thrown over mine. Goddamn he was so warm, so I pushed into him as close as I could get. I fell right back to sleep and woke up again around 8:30. He was on his back and I found my hand resting on his stomach, just above his pants. I started moving my hand down inside, thinking he was still asleep and was planning on waking him up in a good way. I had just found his cock when I felt his hand raise up and start undoing his belt. I helped him out and pulled his pants down when he raised his ass up. I crawled under the blankets and between his legs. He had started to breathe heavier already, so I wasted no time taking him all the way in. I must have sucked him for a good 25 minutes when I raised my head up and asked if he was getting close at all, because if not, my head was going to fall off. He grinned and said yes, for me to keep doing what I was doing and he'd be there soon. After about another 5 minutes I could feel him squeezing his legs together and I knew it was go time. His hands clamped down on the back of my head and he bucked his hips up.
"I'm fucking cummin' " he growled and let go. He tasted better than ever, and I could tell it had been awhile since he last got off. He laid there catching his breath as I moved back up beside him. I still had my hand wrapped around his cock and was slowly jerking him off. He put his arm back around my shoulders and we had just started drifting back to sleep when I though I heard something. I raised my head up and listened but didn't hear anything else. I had just laid my head back down when I heard footsteps outside on the porch. I looked up just in time to see my dad walk by the window. All I remember saying was "Holy fucking shit my dad! My DAD!" in a whisper and Brad frantically pulling his pants back up. It was all like slow motion though, in that short period of time, I told Brad to fuck it and I hid under the blankets. A move I now realize was retarded, my car was sitting outside, my dad knew I was in here, but had no clue who I was in here with. But he walks in the door and Brad tried to act as natural as he could, given the circumstances. I heard them chat for what seemed like 37 hours but was really like 2 minutes. I was trying to be as invisible as I could, and the door to the other bedroom was shut, so I thought maybe dad thinks I'm sleeping in there. After all, we had a lot of blankets on the bed and you probably really couldn't tell for sure if there was someone else under there, and I hadn't heard dad open the other door before he left, so it seemed like it just might work. After he left, we somehow fell back asleep again, even though my heart was racing and I couldn't believe we pretty much just got caught by my DAD of all people.

I awoke around 12:30 and as usual, got up and staggered around for a few minutes, searching for a cigarette, and sat down on the couch. Brad always slept on his side facing out, and I actually felt kind of creepy sitting there watching him sleep. Either creepy, or really cheesy because that probably only really happens in the movies. As much as I loved the Ex, I sat and watched her sleep once and got really bored after about 5 minutes. Finally he opened his eyes (barely) and grunted "mornin". I told him what time it was and he rolled onto his back and said for me to come back to bed. Any other time, I would have but all I could think about was my dad, and whatever the hell was going through his head. I finally got Brad out of bed and we locked the place up and got in the car. Neither of us said much all the way to his house, until we turned up his road and he said "So what do you think is going through your dads head right now?" I looked at him and said "I dunno, but I'm not gonna be able to look at him for at least a week". We pulled into his driveway and as he climbed out he said (what he usually says) "Don't worry about it". I sighed and said "Brad, you always tell me that, and what do I always do? I worry. You're the calm one, I'm the worrier. You know I'm gonna worry about it." He laughed and said "Yeah I know you are, but I'm not and you really need to teach yourself not to, too." I just nodded and gave him a quick smile, and he smiled back and blew me a quick kiss. We said goodbye and I headed home.

On the way to my house, I had to drive by my parents' house. I debated stopping in and confronting my dad, telling him that what he saw meant nothing, we just passed out and not to worry about anything. By the time I decided I was actually going to do this, I had driven by, so I turned around and went back. As it turns out he wasn't even there, so all my built up courage was wasted and I once again headed towards home.

It was 2 o'clock Sunday afternoon; usually about the time I was coming around and doing something. But I walked in, took a shower, and went to bed. Just before I went to sleep it occurred to be that I hadn't had a chance to get off, and it had been awhile for me too, but all I could think about was my dad walking in and seeing his only son, his only child, in bed with another guy. Of all people I ever imagined getting caught by, he was the last.

By Monday night though, I had built up more courage and went to talk to him. When I told him that what he saw wasn't what he thought, he just grinned and asked me what I thought he saw. I said "Uhh, your son in bed with another dude?" and he laughed! He said not to worry about it, he didn't even see me, and what he saw of Brad was fully clothed, so who cares? Then he said how it wouldn't matter to him even if it was something. I know some of you are thinking what a perfect chance to tell him the truth but not yet. Maybe not ever. I could see if I was gay, then yes, someday I would have to tell him, but I'm strictly bi and someday, regardless of what's going on with me and Brad right now, I know somewhere deep down that it will never actually go as far as I want it to now.

Honestly there's so much more I could write but I feel bad about not having posted for so long, so that's it for now I guess. Stay tuned!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Hey everyone, I haven't forgotten about you, and I do have some stories from last weekend to tell, along with my "surprise" but the sudden death of a friend has sort of put a clamp on things for a few days, so bear with me, I'll get to it the first chance I get!