A first-hand account of the fallout from one drunken summer night in July 2005.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


I write these words as I ache to see you. I miss the sound of your voice, although I am battling with myself over grabbing the phone and dialing your number. I'm sure you would answer, at this time of night on the other end of the country, you're home.

You have totally consumed me the past few months, almost to the point of no return, until that day you called to say you were leaving. You had said this before and I always knew you were never serious. This last time, I knew there was no changing your mind. In the blink of an eye, I went from looking for an apartment for us to packing a suitcase and jumping aboard with you for one last ride. That last ride was over much too quickly, across the country in two days. The following two days were not unlike the last 6 months of our lives: wild, crazy, rushed. That drive to the airport that night was not something I wanted to face. I was coming back, you were staying. It was cold and raining, and the once I realized it was going to happen, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you and kiss you forever. We were late, the airline staff was hurrying me, and I didn't even get to come close to the goodbye I had planned. Maybe it was best this way, since you keep telling me it's only temporary. I almost got that new place anyway. You told me two nights ago to wait for you. I will always wait for you.

Even though we've known each other our whole lives, the last few months have changed everything for me. Everything I thought I wanted, everything I thought I could control, especially around you, have all changed. I fight to go to sleep every night since I left you in that airport. I am constantly preoccupied by you. Words like "invade" and "haunt" are completely inappropriate. I invite the thought of you, memories of your face, your smile that makes your almost-inhumanly blue eyes ignite, to the way your face falls and lets me know, without fail, that you're sad. I can read you entirely by looking at your face. You cannot hide emotion. You can, however, confuse the hell out of me when it comes to what I think you want from me. Well, I'm almost entirely sure I know what you want, what you know you can have, you're just scared. You know that I'm the only person who has ever really and truly loved you, because everyone else you have ever known seems to hate you for the same reasons that I do love you. It's what makes you you. If we could make it through the last 6 months alive, God knows what the future could hold.

I want you to come back. I told you that the other night on the phone. I miss you so much, Buck. My life has been so completely empty without you here. Your shirt still smells like you. Everytime I hear a truck drive by, I wake up and for a second think it's you, and then I fully awake and I know it's not. You know how I feel. I know you know. With all the things we've done, it's impossible for you not to know that it's something more for me. I thought I had been through this before, that it could never get any worse, but it can, and it has. This time is different though, it's not him. It's you. You're a game-changer. And you want it. And I want to give it to you. Just find what you're looking for, and come home to me. I love you.

Friday, January 29, 2010


Okay so, I'm not even gonna bother explaining the whole Kevin situation. I could and may go into detail at some point regarding some pretty hot fuck sessions, one involving a ski mask, but basically he couldn't make up his mind whether he was gay or straight and couldn't grasp the concept of bisexuality, so the relationship ended. I'm fine, he's fine, we still talk once in awhile, life goes on.

History also repeats itself...

Last week I posted a short message about me waking up next to a certain someone ;)
I will now explain myself.

Brad came into town (we no longer live in the same place) to see about a new job. I invited him to stay at my place while he was here, an offer he accepted. I should add that Brad is now engaged. Awhile back, Brad and I had a discussion where it was decided that whatever we "had" was over, and we would never speak of it again; we would move on. It was, believe it or not, something that I initiated. I pretty much fell out of love with him, I guess you could say. It worked out well, he had fallen in love with a girl (now his fiancee) and I am very happy for them both. But I'm still a horny guy. And so is Brad.

So his second night here, we went out to the bars. The last bar we ended up at was a strip club; a pretty decent one at that, for this town. So hot girls and a LOT of alcohol, we finally end up back at my place. I'm laying in my bed, half passed out, Brad comes in and sits down on the bed. I drank some water and woke up a little, and we just sat and talked for awhile. Naturally our conversation turned to sex, and I made a joke about how once you get married, you don't get laid anymore. He joked back that he doesn't get laid NOW, even before the wedding. After awhile we got to talking about stuff we used to do, and I said that it was possible we could do something tonight just for old times sake. I was honestly not even thinking he would take me seriously, but he stands up and pulls his shirt over his head. I'm looking up at him and he says "You gonna join me or what?" So we get naked and start making out on the bed, and it was nice to see nothing has changed with him. He started grinding his dick into mine and running his hands up and down my body, just like he always used to. My hands automatically went to my favorite place, his meaty muscular ass, and pulled him even harder into me. We flipped around and I took his cock in my mouth and sucked him for all I was worth. I had him moaning and squirming around in no time.

To set the scene a little better, when we used to fuck around at my old house, we did it pretty much anywhere. My bedroom then, though, was nothing special. It was just a regular bedroom. My bedroom here at my new place however, is pretty epic. It's huge, has this big gas fireplace to the right of my huge kingsize bed, a whole bunch of tiny recessed pot lights in the ceiling which that night were set so dim you could barely tell they were on, and on the wall that runs diagonal to my bed is a huge full-length mirror. So anyways all I'm saying is there was some major atmosphere going on.

So after I suck him off for awhile, he's getting so worked up that he makes me stop. I was honestly getting kinda tired, and I'd been blowing him for about 20 minutes, so I was ready to wrap it up. But when I stopped, I looked up from between his legs and he's giving me that amaaaazing sex-crazed glare from his blue eyes and says "where's your lube?"
All it took was a glance at the nighttable and he had it out of the drawer. I got up on my knees and he pushes me down onto my back. He squeezes some lube out into his hand and wraps his big hand around my hard cock and starts jerking me off. Meanwhile, his left hand is going between my legs and he starts fingering my ass. My brain is going into sensory overload and now I start writhing around on the bed. This just seemed to spur him on even more and he has 3 fingers inside me by this point and doing a bang-up job on my dick. Of course, all I can manage to say is "fuck me" so he moves back a little and grabs my ankles. He's now running his hands down the backs of my calves and up my thighs, pulling me closer to him. He's still got that hungry crazed look in his eyes, so when he positioned himself, I steeled myself for a rough sweaty fuck. And that's just exactly what I got.

My hair is a little longer now, kinda like it was when we started fucking around 5 years ago. So at one point, we're turned around facing the foot of the bed, and the mirror, and he's fucking me really hard doggie-style when he notices the mirror. He grabs a handful of my hair and starts slamming his dick into me, and totally surprises me by growling "you like watching me fuck you? I bet you missed my cock in your ass" I'm, at this point, trying not to hyperventilate, it feels so good. He lets go of my hair and grips my hips so hard I was sure he broke the skin. He's fucking me so hard, the bed, which is a heavy wooden king size bed, was moving away from the wall. The fireplace was on and it was hotter than hell in there so we're both covered in sweat which you all know is a major turn on for me. Plus I'm getting to watch the whole thing in the mirror, his wet hair stuck to his forehead, the sweat dripping off of us both, his teeth gritted and the dim light accenting every muscle in his body. I knew as soon as I caught this image that I was done for, and I groaned "harder Brad. I'm ready" and as soon as I said "ready" he started moaning soooo loud and somehow managed to fuck me even harder. I started cumming and was sure my head was exploding when he slams it home and yells "FUUUUUCK!!!!" and unloads inside of me. All I remember after that is taking another sip of water and I wake up about 5 hours later, me laying in my bed normally, Brad laying crossways on it. I moved around so I was laying next to him and thought I would steal some time before he woke up to just lay there next to him. I was laying on my side and put my arm around his waist and fell back asleep.

A few hours later I awoke again to him getting out of bed. I immediately thought "oh no. He's gonna have major regrets or be pissed off at me or both" but when he noticed I was awake, he just smiled and said good morning. The rest of his time here, you wouldn't know anything had ever happened between the two of us. He left a few days later, and I'm actually happy it was just a one-time (or one-more-time) thing.

Later that day, I kinda had the familiar feeling that I used to have and got a little worried. But it went away, thank God. As much fun as it was, I couldn't go through that again with Brad, it's wayyy too complicated. For those of you who have read my whole blog know what I'm talkig about. To those of you who haven't, I strongly urge you to read up, especially anything from 2006 (which really, is the majority of the whole thing) My experiences with Brad are fully explained and there are also quite a few pretty hot sex sessions mixed in there too.

So there's the story guys & girls, I hope you enjoyed it! It was long overdue...



Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You're not going to believe this...

...I woke up next to Brad this morning. I'll leave you with that for awhile ;)


Thursday, January 07, 2010

Happy New Year (?) to me...

Hey everyone... I didn't forget to add the rest of my story. We're just on a bit of a "break" right now, I guess, and haven't felt much like writing about our early days. Long story short (you know one of these days I'm gonna need to vent and give you the long version) but he seems to be on the fence (no pun intended...kinda) as to SURPRISE! whether or not he wants to be in a serious relationship with a guy! Honestly, I can't really hold it against him because I've been there before too, but like, DUDE! I can only go through this same old story so many times! As a bisexual guy, it is an extra turn-on to nail a "straight" guy, whether or not he is totally straight, but one of these times I'd like him to say "yeah I'm willing to give it a try" and then actually LIKE it! It would help so-ooo much if the only guys that say this weren't totally hot and nice and awesome to be around. It sounds horribly shallow but the only guys who seem to want to give me anything more are the ones that I'm not attracted to. AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Any advice? Anyone? Please??


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Unconditional; Irrevocable

Hello everyone, or if anyone even still checks on me...

I am sitting on my couch, feeling a little bored, and suddenly remembered how consumed I once was by this blog. I always avoided a farewell-post, since I never wanted to actually fully abandon it. I do apoligize to those who were faithful to me, and your comments and emails really do mean a lot to me. Those of you who complimented my writing skills, you have inspired me to become a writer. Someday, haha! Nothing concrete in the works yet, but I think about it more and more everyday.

My previous post was supposed to be a comeback point, but I was offered an incredible job about a week afterwards and have since been extremely busy with that. Now that I am leveling out again, I thought I would again attempt a comeback. Something along the lines of what my original blog was, minus (hopefully) the drama. I (we) am (are) nearing the end of the fourth month of a new relationship with a guy named Kevin.

At this new job of mine, I made some new friends, one of them named Tammy. She and her boyfriend Greg have parties at their apartment fairly frequently, and a few of the people at work asked me if I knew what their story was. I, of course, had no idea what they were talking about. Turns out they are swingers, which I am fine with. Some people at work find it very giggle-worthy, but I am not one to throw stones about different lifestyles. Long story short, this came up in a conversation one night at a non-swinging party between Tammy and myself. Once we were feeling comfortable enough with each other, she asked me if I was bi. I told her yes, and she was cool with it and everything. She then goes on to tell me, she had invited her friend Kevin but he couldn't make it. Now she wishes she would have tried harder since he's bi too and she could have set us up. I just smiled and told her thanks, but that I didn't really like being set up.

So fast forward a few weeks and a bunch of us all get together again for a barbecue. There are already a bunch of people there when I get there, and after an hour or so, I'm standing talking to a few guys about speedboats, one of whom I find very attractive and somewhat resemblant of Peter Facinelli, and Tammy comes up to us and looks in my general direction and says "Oh I see you two have finally met." I kinda give the guy a look and then back to Tammy, "Uhh, no actually we haven't," and reach out to shake his hand and tell him my name. He shakes my hand and smiles this amazing smile, and says "Hi man, I'm Kevin." I look back at Tammy, and she's doing this weird thing with her eyes, back and forth from him to me, and I finally get it. I wait a few minutes and excuse myself from the conversation and find Tammy. I make sure that I am understanding what she's trying to tell me, and I'm right. All of a sudden I've got this happy/nausous feeling in my stomach. Tammy takes every chance she gets the entire night to try to keep us together, and I finally find myself a a couple of others sitting by te campfire, when Kevin walks over and sits next to me. We're kind of away from everyone else, so he leans in a little closer to talk to me. He says,

"I'm sorry, but I had to ask Tammy what her problem was tonight. She was being a little crazy, even for her, about creating these random things for us to talk about."

I laughed, and replied "Yeah I know. I still don't know her all that well, but umm, I think I know why she was doing it..."

He gives me this look, one I know all too well now, and says "Yeah, I do too. Do you uhhh, wanna go for a walk with me?" (lol, he drug out that uhhhhh for a really long time so now whenever I ask him something, I do it like that on purpose and he knows why I do it)

So we go for this walk on a path behind the park where we're at, and we start having an open conversation. I tell him that he in no way looks acts or sounds anything other than straight, and he says the same thing about me. He told me that Tammy had told him about me awhile back and didn't introduce us when I had arrived at the barbecure. We discussed his long-term girlfriend and their recent breakup, and the fact that he had never been in an actual relationship with a guy that wasn't otherwise based on sex. I told him about my past relationship and how it had been my first with a guy, and was preceded by a very long term with a girl. I told him how I felt like a new person, finally admitting to myself who I really was, and that people were a lot more accepting than I thought they would be. I was actually starting to realize that I was rambling after awhile, when he grabbed my arm, pushed me up against this high fence, and kissed me. And kept kissing me, for a long time. The feeling inside me was like that very first time with Brad, all over again. I welcomed it with open arms.

I'm going to stop here for now. There's still a lot more to this that I want to share, but I have to work early in the morning. So please keep checking back, hopefully I haven't waited too long... Of all the stories I have shared, I want everyone to hear this one the most, as it develops...


Friday, June 26, 2009

R.I.P Farrah & Michael

I know it's been ages since I've blogged. I'm sorry. My life has been very un-interesting in the past year or so. But as I sit here tonight, after feeling absolute sadness all day from the death of 70's pop-icon Farrah Fawcett, and later on, the sudden and unexpected death of Michael Jackson, I just felt the need to express my true feelings for the both of them.

The first news story I read online this morning was, of course, that Farrah Fawcett had died. This was nothing short of a blessing. This poor woman had suffered for the past 3 years from cancer. I have seen too many people in my own life suffer and ultimately die of this horrible disease, moreso my own grandfather. A wonderful musician, and overall human being who was nothing short of a Saint his entire life, ravaged by full-blown bone and lung cancer in his early 70's. Watching him suffer for that year (almost to the day) was the hardest thing I have ever seen with my own two eyes. The image of him lying on his deathbed will haunt me for my entire life, as well as the memory of myself and my family praying for him to die and be done with the suffering. I can only imagine Farrah's family doing the same. She was a phenominally beautiful, kind lady who had to overcome many obstacles in her life. Viscious rumors, abusive relationships, substance abuse, stuff that smaller people deal with everyday. But when all is said and done, we are all human. Life is not dictated by how rich or famous we are. Farrah's long-time companion, Ryan O'Neill, stood by her side until the end, and I was especially saddened to hear that they had planned to marry in the coming days, as they both knew the end was near. That day would ultimately never come. For a girl whose rise to fame began with the now-iconic poster of her in the red bathing suit, with the flippy blonde hair (which I currently have set as my desktop background) to the most memorable Angel of all time, to somewhat of a fallen star, she lived a relatively low-key life, only sometimes highlighted in the tabloids by nothing but negativity. In the end, I can only say thank God that her pain is finally gone. She will forever be immortalized in our hearts as a sex-symbol who dealt with problems that a lot of others deal with around the world everyday. My condolences go out to Mr. O'Neill as well as Farrah's family, friends, and fans around the world. You were a beautiful, wonderful person who will be dearly missed.

"...he was beyond phenomenon."

Much like the assasination of J.F.K, the death of Elvis Presley, 9-11, and the inauguration of America's first black President, the sudden death of Michael Joe Jackson seemed to stop the world for a few moments today. When I finally started to process what had happened, I wondered why I was so concerned. This was a man who was riddled with controversy over the past few years. Everyone seemed to have turned their backs on him. He was nothing more than an eccentric recluse who preyed on young boys. I myself often wondered if those allegations were true. Now that I've looked much closer at the life of a man who I once idolized as a young child, I can see that his life and legacy meant so much more. People don't seem to want to remember the good parts, like the Jackson-5, or the release of Thriller in 1983, the year I was born. How many people my age or a few years older always wanted a single, sequined glove and a red leather jacket? How many danced around their bedrooms to Billie-Jean or Beat It, completely awestruck at the very thought of Michael Jackson's persona. His life-long quest for world peace. I admit I never gave any of this stuff a second thought until tonight, until I had a chance to go through those memories again, reminisce with those feelings from my childhood. It's definitely no secret that this man was different. But I also have to wonder if that was a result of growing up in one of the biggest spotlights of all time, from the age of 5, until his death at age 50. He was under tremendous pressure for all those years. You have to admit that that must have some sort of mental toll on a person after awhile. Regardless, I can't help but think back on Michael as an enormously generous, kind-hearted, talented man, who set so many standards for people to come after him. If I had to sum up his life in one word, it would definitely be "unique". There has never been, nor will there ever be, someone quite like him. As I said about Farrah Fawcett, Michael was also a pop-icon who will never be totally forgotten. As I sit in my living room and watch the coverage on CNN, the people who have gathered at the L.A. hospital, outside of the gates of Neverland Ranch as well as his rented home, all unique and somewhat eccentric in their own ways, I can't help but feel the need to throw on my iPod and listen to his music. I do know that the first thing I am doing tomorrow morning, is driving down to the closest music store and buying my own copy of Thriller, which is something I have been meaning to do for quite awhile. Now I feel it's the least I can do for one of my childhood hero's.

Michael, you too will live on in the memories of so many people the world-wide. There are many bumps on the road of life, which you know all too well, but like I said, in the end, we're all human. And it don't matter if you're black or white.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

PROOF I'm not dead...

Okay, so sorry that I posted so long ago and didn't follow up on it. So much has been happening and I have been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy since I moved here that I honestly had to put the Blog on the proverbial back burner for awhile, but I have been checking in and reading the urgent comments for me to post, so here it is...

Okay, I love 'the other end of the country' and my new job, had a good summer and all that crap, I'm just gonna tell you the things I know you all wanna know. A bit of bad news to start, Brad and I are over. SOO over. Mutually, though. His new girlfriend was on my computer one night and found a letter I had written him and hadn't yet given to him, telling him exactly how I felt about him and everything else, and there were a few details in there that New Girl shouldn't have seen, i.e. me referring to specific times we had fucked and how I loved him and couldn't stand seeing him with anyone else. So some damage control was done. I of course, was outed (which I normally am not) and there was no denying that. New Girl handled this so well, and I'm not being sarcastic either. As it turns out, she had gone through a similar situation earlier in life and completely understood all angles of what had happened. Brad had a hard time adjusting to the fact that his girlfriend knew he had been fucking/getting fucked by a guy for the past 2 years, but between her and I, we finally got him to vent and now he seems okay with it. We all live together in a house here by the way... New Girl, who I had extreme hatred for at first, has become one of my closest friends, being one of the few people who know about my sexual orientation, and she's totally cool with it. It was difficult getting here to believe that I really am Bi and have no idea if I wanna spend the rest of my life with a man or a woman, but she understands that now, too. If we're watching TV and a hot guy comes on, she'll say something like "Wow, I'd do him. You?" which I think is great, I don't have to hide anything around her anymore and neither does Brad. Some how, some way, my feelings for him have slowly dissolved as all of this has taken place, since now I can see that he is truly the happiest I have ever seen him with her. I know, it sounds like a load of crap, but my next part of the story will confirm it all...

Late this summer, I left my job to go to the competitors, and after a month I realized the grass wasn't exactly greener on the other side, so I went back to my old boss and asked for my job back, which he was more than happy to give me because he had been blown away by how good of a job I had done in the short time I had been there. One condition, he had hired a replacement while I was gone, and he seemed to be working out quite well also, so we would both work together on our specific job. The following Monday as I walked to my station, I smiled and said hello to all the familiar faces, and then I saw my new coworker. A tall, muscular, dark haired, bright-blue-eyed, tanned, dazzling-smiled Adonis named Dan. I honestly don't think I have ever fell for someone THAT QUICKLY before in my life. Before I even made it over to him, I had mumbled "Holy...Shit...." under my breath. Since Minute One we have been close friends, clicking instantly and almost immediately me sensing that there might potentially be something else there, someday.

Dan has a girlfriend, but I'm using that term loosely. Most conversations we have about her are about how big of a bitch she is and how she lies and starts fights for no reason. Not exactly a concrete relationship. The more and more I fell for this guy, the more I realized we had in common and how much further apart he and his girlfriend were growing. It all came to a head one Friday night a few weeks ago...

A day or two before, I let something slip that may or may not have given him an indication that I was into guys. He knew all about my ex girlfriend and all, but nothing about me being bi. So anyways, after clamming up for an hour or so, he finally said "Man, are you gay? It's cool if you are, I really don't care, but we're getting to be pretty good friends here and I don't want anything between us..." I of course was still a little skeptical, so I stayed silent for a few minutes and finally answered no. That was that, no more was said of it. Until the following Friday night.

I had been away on a business trip for 2 days and arrived home around 11 that Friday night. As I was throwing laundry into the washer, my cell rang. It was Dan. He sounded upset, and asked if I was home, and I said yes. He said he and his girl had gotten in a huge fight and he had taken off walking, and was headed for my house (he only lives 4 blocks away). So when he arrived, we decided to go out to the bar and getting totally hammered, which we did... After we had staggered back to my house to sit in the garage and drink more, he gets what I like to call "Into Brad Mode" where he talks lower and his gazes linger longer than they should and he finds excuses to touch me, and he asks me if I think he's sexy (Dan's very conceited by the way, and we always joke around at work about how hot he is, and until this night, I always made it seem like I was just playing into the joke) so I said yes, that he is hot. Very hot.

"How hot" He says

"So hot you make me wanna do things to you I have never done before" I say back with a sly grin (if he only knew)

"Oh? Like what?" He presses on...

"Like..." as I put my hand on his thigh, "...this" and lean in to kiss him, fully expecting him to jerk his head back and shove me away, laughing. But he didn't. My lips crashed into his, and as drunk as I was, it took less than an instant for me to realize that he had wanted me to do that all along. My hands went up to his shoulders, his to mine, our mouths opened, tongues met, somehow I ended up straddling him in the chair, greedily kissing each other for all we were worth. It seemed like an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds. I pulled away and stood up, staring directly into those icy blue pools of his eyes. They were staring right back into mine, a look of positive-uncertainty on his face.

"Wha... I can't believe you did... You are gay... Aren't you?" He stammers, with a grin.

"Well, no, not exactly. I'm bi." I said.

blah blah blah, the rest of the conversation was the usual stuff, me explaining everything (minus the fact that I wanted to run away with him and fuck him and marry him) and he seemed okay with it. I asked him if he was gay, bi, or just verrrry curious, and he said he had done some minimal stuff with a few guys before, never all the way but that sex to him was just that, sex. It didn't matter who it was between, he was very open-minded. But then he added that disclaimer I seem to keep running into: underneath all the shit, he loves his girlfriend and could never cheat on her, because he has been cheated on too many times.

Which I can easily respect. I've been cheated on before and it's not fun. But that's not to say that I'm giving up on the idea of Danny, and one of our cocks planted firmly in the others' ass at some point in time. We came up with a plan, that since I really have nothing concrete here, that if he and his girlfriend ended up breaking up, he and I would head down to California to live in San Diego where he lived before he moved here. He said that since he moved away from there it was the biggest mistake of his life but his girlfriend has her roots planted here and refused to move to Cali. Plus I've ALWAYS wanted to live in California, so we agreed that if/when they split, we load up my car and head south.

So other than the "kiss" nothing has transpired between the two of us. Yet. But believe me, I can easily see this becoming more sooner or later. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but I have a good feeling that it's not...

Happy Halloween!!

- Clark -