Confusion

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I hate that day. Not because I'm single, or anything, I've just always thought of it as a stupid Hallmark holiday. So once again, I expected to go home and do nothing. Actually, I was going to offer to watch my roommates' son, so they could go out for dinner or something, but the little guy's aunt already beat me to it. So I'm home about half an hour, when I hear Brad's snowmobile drive in. Bitch had already called and asked if I'd seen him, and I said no. Apparently they were supposed to go out for dinner, and Brad went M.I.A. She was on her way to my place anyways, because she and my female roommate were planning on doing something later. Long story short, she and Brad ended up getting in a fight after she got there, and their dinner plans were cancelled. She took off with my roommate, and Brad and I decided we would go to the bar and play pool.

At around 11:30, I decided it was time to head home, as I had to get up for work. We drove back to my house, and I asked what Brad planned to do for the night. He had too much to drink, and didn't really feel like driving home, so I offered to give him a drive. He accepted, and off we went. We talked the whole way about "us", and what all was going on. He made sure that I understood that Bitch had figured everything out, yet still had no actual proof. I said yes, that I knew that, and that as stupid as she generally was, she had figured this out pretty quickly. He also told me that the rumour about us had spread. Apparently, the night of his grandmothers' funeral, when I was sitting with Brad, Bitch, Brad's family, etc. and just chatting, Bitch got up from her seat and went to talk to some friends in another part of the chapel. So the "story" goes, I glared at her, then looked at Brad and said "You need to get rid of her. You'd be so much better off with me" and apparently Brad agreed with me. Now, I know some of you are thinking that I probably did say that, but I didn't. I've thought it a good many times, but I would never say that out loud, especially in a crowded funeral home, surrounded by his family. Bitch had brought this rumour to Brad's attention, when she heard it from Brad's cousin, who heard it from Brad's uncle, who I remember quite well was sitting damn near all the way across the room from us all night. So therefore, Bitch has gotten tired of making up her own stories, and is now blaming other people for starting them. She also has no problem repeating them to everyone she comes into contact with, and has made it quite clear that her sole mission in life now is to alienate all of my friends, and it's no doubt a matter of time until she moves into my family. Keep in mind, I live in a small town. Homosexuality, and bisexuality for that matter, simply isn't tolerated around here at all. Brad and I have both agreed this would be so much easier if we were in a big city where no one cared, but neither of us wants to leave the ones we love behind. I could tell he was very uneasy, so I had to bite the bullet and lie through my teeth, which I hate to do. I told him flat out that I was not in love with him. This was all just sex to me, and I never intended for any of this "mess" to happen, and anything he heard from anyone else was bullshit. Then he looked at me with this empty look in his eyes, and said he felt uncomfortable around me now, that things weren't like they were before this all started, and everything that everyone was saying was bothering him. Not because they were saying it about him, but about me.

This kind of surprised me, because really, people have always thought that I was gay, even when I had girlfriends in high school, and it pretty much died out when I was with my ex-fiancee-to-be for a couple of years, but after we broke up, and I got very unlucky in love, it started all over again. By now, I had accepted myself and didn't care what anyone else thought, and I was just worried about people thinking Brad was gay too. So basically, while I was trying to protect him, he was trying to protect me, and in the end, we both got screwed (NPI)

Then he went on to say that he didn't want to "do this" anymore with me, which I quickly decided was better than us not being friends at all. Then just as quickly, everything started to sink in. Brad had just said that we couldn't have sex anymore (which isn't a HUGE deal) and worse, that he felt uncomfortable around me now, and I was just waiting for the obligatory "I can't see you anymore". Believe it or not, I actually held things together pretty good. My stomach felt like shit, and all I could think about was the Bitch, and how everything bad that had happened was all because of her. So when I started saying these things back to Brad, making sure I had everything clear, he just looked at me, and when I was done he said he was sorry and that he didn't mean anything he'd said. He loves being around me, no matter what people say, but he still loves her. He even went so far as to say that he still wanted to have sex, because no matter how guilty he might feel, he's still bisexual and he can't control what he likes and what he doesn't like.

So now, it's like 1:30 a.m., and we're sitting in the same restaurant parking lot where we awoke last Saturday morning. My head was spinning because he had just gone off saying all this stuff to me, and then turned right around and said the exact opposite, that nothing he said was true. So basically, we were back at square one. We had driven around for almost 3 hours, talked each others' heads off, and we ended up right back at I'm really not in love with you/This is just sex/Let's just have sex and keep it quiet/I can't choose who I want to be with/I love her but I hate her at the same time and I could never leave her but I'm too scared to admit who I really am so I'll continue living a double life. Seriously. We had said all these things to one another, and we didn't accomplish anything, except for the fact that now I can't tell him that I love him, because we both swore we would never lie to each other. Ever. And neither of us has, until I did last night. So I drove him home, he told me to park down the road a little ways, and when I stopped he grabbed my right hand and squeezed it. Then he leaned over and gave me a kiss. I didn't kiss him back at first, but after a few seconds I think my reflexes kicked in, and I opened my mouth a little bit. I pulled back after a bit, and he half-smiled, opened the door and stepped out. He bent back down into the car and said "Go home, get some sleep, don't worry about it. We're cool." and smiled again, and shut the door. I sat and watched him walk to the house, and then I headed home.

When I pulled in the driveway, I saw her car there. The house was in darkness, so I figured she must have waited for us to come back, and fell asleep. Not like she even lives there, but she just falls asleep freely at my house. I thought I would just sneak in, go to bed, and not even have to face her. Not so. I went inside, and there she stood in the living room by the fireplace in the almost-dark. I looked at her, and she stared at me. I said nothing, until she asked if I took him home. I said yes, lit a cigarette, and sat down on the couch. I said nothing until my cigarette was gone, then I stood up, told her goodnight, and went to my bedroom. I could tell by the look in her eyes there were so many things she wanted to say to me, to scream at me, accuse me, but I knew she wouldn't. Not to my face, anyways. That's her way. Talk about me behind my back to no end, be nice as pie to my face. I hate that. It would make things so much easier on me if she'd just go crazy on me, so I could do the same to her. I promised Brad I wouldn't start anything, and I won't. Not until she does.

I'm starting to feel better now, later in the day. I haven't talked to Brad yet. Probably won't tonight. I know I need to get out of this rut and decide what the hell is going on, and so does Brad. Personally, I wish he'd just get rid of Bitch. He doesn't even treat her like a girlfriend. They fight constantly. She's too possessive, he cheats, there's no reason in the world for them to be together. But they are. And I really have no right to interfere with that, as much as I'd like to. So I guess I'll just have to be patient.

Later