I don't know whether to wind my ass or scratch my watch...

Horrible title, I know, but hey. There's no better way to describe it. Believe it or not, I'm not going to ramble on about Brad for once. Although I'd like to, because he's been about as clear as mud lately, but I'll spare you for now.

Four and a half years ago, in the fall of 2001, I moved to a city about 2 hours from where I live now. It's a small city of about 50,000, and the main attraction there is the university. So naturally, most of my high school friends moved there also. One girl in particular, Jessie, also went along. Jessie and I had had an on-again-off-again relationship all thru school, but we'd always remained good friends. So Jessie's roommate in her dorm was this girl named Sarah. If I had ever believed in love at first sight, it was with Sarah. She was gorgeous, long blonde hair, big blue eyes, always with a smile on her face. She was the perfect image of my ideal girl. Honestly, the first time I met her, I couldn't stop staring at her. Sure, she had a boyfriend, and man, was her ever a dick. He was even mean to her. He was one of these "Joe-College" types with an attitude problem like you wouldn't believe. So one night, he said something to the effect of her getting fat since high school, and it caught her the wrong way and she started to cry. After listening to this guy for a month, I'd had enough. I asked him what his problem was, he asked me what business of mine it was, long story short, he got his ass kicked.

Valuable lesson #1: Don't ever fuck with the Country Boy. Guaranteed he has better fighting skills than any Trust-Funder from the suburbs.

So anyway, by the next weekend, they had broken up (the first of many breakups, so I would learn) and she was all bummed out for the first week. The second week, however, she came around a lil' bit. This happened to be the week of their Residence Formal. I,of course, was Jessie's date, and Sarah was going with some guy she had gone to school with. We all went to dinner before the party, and Sarah's date turned out to be gayer than a fairy on exstacy, so no problems there. (Sidenote: I was so preoccupied by Sarah at this point in my life, I wasn't much into guys at the time) So the party went well, and we all headed back to campus. By this time (mid-year) Sarah and Jessie had both switched to single rooms so they could have more room. A few of us sat around in Jessie's room for awhile and drank, and then I called a cab to take me home. When I walked out Jessie's door, I remembered that I'd left my jacket in Sarah's room when we'd been there earlier. When I went in, she was sitting at her computer with this weird look on her face. She then told me that her ex-boyfriend had broken in to her email account, read everything from everyone, and then sent her a very nasty message about what she's said about him. It was probably kinda wrong on my part, but I comforted her. The guy was an ass, and even though they'd broke up, he still wouldn't leave her alone. So after talking for about half an hour, one thing led to another and I kissed her. Or she kissed me. One of the two. We wound up on her bed, petting, rubbing, kissing, removing clothes. I was the man that night. I'd wanted her for months now. We'd flirted back and forth, caught each other staring, the whole bit, and it was all worth it for that night. Nothing went wrong, no one chickened out or said that we shoudn't be doing this. It just happened, for at least 2 hours, and it's chance to say it was probably in the top 5 best lays I've ever had. After we finished, she asked if I'd stay the night with her. I did, and the next morning when we woke up, we both realized that someone was gonna have to deal with Jessie. Turns out it wasn't as bad as we'd thought.

That next week, my work sent me away to upgrade my training, so I never got to see her. I think she had midterms too, so we never talked. When I got back the following weekend, I found out her ex had professed his undying love for her, repented, etc etc etc. It was disgusting. But I was a young guy in a university town. Plenty of fish in the sea. Sarah and Dick ended up ultimately breaking up for good about a year later, and I thought I was totally over her. Well, honestly, I thought she was just a girl that I'd scored with. But after I'd moved home 2 years ago, I found myself thinking about her all the time. Whenever I'd go back to the city, I would crash at Jessie and Sarah's apartment, and we'd always joke about hooking up again, since neither of us were seeing anybody. It happened once, it was just as good as the first time, but again, nothing came of it. After awhile, I discovered that she could have been the girl. She was perfect. I could find no flaws in her anywhere. Unfortunately for me, sometime in the past year, someone else also realized this, and he proposed to her. (Not Dick, some Justin guy, never met him, everyone says he's really nice, smart, and funny, which kills me, because I'm nice, smart, and funny, and we're both in Accounting - He's like ME.)

So about an hour ago, I finally worked up the courage to talk to her on IM. She's been on my list forever, and I don't think I've ever said anything. I've come so close to telling her how I feel so many times in the past hour, but I can't do that to her. I know what it's like to be in that situation, and it tears you up. It wouldn't do any good anyways, Justin moved out west a few months ago, got them a house, and she's getting on the plane tomorrow morning to fly into her new life.

Not with me.

I really have to start seizing opportunities when I see them. This is seriously getting very old. Of all the things that I've missed out on, I think this one actually meant the most to me, and as of 8:47 tomorrow morning, it will officially be out of my reach forever. But, you know me. I'll supress it, toss it around in the depths of my stomach for way too long, and in time (long time) I'll be over it. But that's me, I guess. I really can't remember when I stopped caring about the important things in life and became so shallow and bitter. When I was younger, I always hated who I was, and wanted to change. When I finally found the courage to do that, I was ecstatic. Now that I am who I thought I wanted to be, I seem to hate myself more and more each day.

Depressing, ain't it? Don't let it be. Tomorrow's another day. I know I'll be fine. I just think about things way too much. That's one of many bad habits that I have to break sometime this year.

Peace.