My headaches never end...

Not much has really happened over the last few weeks. Got Christmas and New Years done and over with, thank God. Man, the holidays are exhausting. I just want summer to come. I know it's not even the middle of January yet, but I love summer so much...

I hadn't planned on doing anything New Years Eve. There was a house party that I was invited to, and was going to drop in on for awhile, but I was so tired. Brad and I had gone snowmobiling all day Saturday with another friend of ours, and even though you do just sit there the whole time, it really plays you out. But when I got back home, I had to go pick Brad up at his place in the car, he asked if I was going out with them. He and his g/f were going to a dance with a bunch of other people, and he wanted me to go. I agreed, somewhat reluctantly. Glad I went though, it was a good time.

Wednesday night, Brad came to my place and we played Xbox. He got ready to leave around 11, and he'd been drinking. Not a lot, but just enough to fail a breathylizer. He was on his snowmobile, and it's not often you see cops out on the trails here, especially at 11 on a Wednesday night. So when he got ready to leave, he kept hesitating, like he wanted to ask me something, but he finally just walked out the door. I wanted to have a cigarette, so I followed him out, and we stood in the driveway. I told him that since it was really cold out, and I knew he was going to drive wayyy too fast on the way home, for him to call me when he got there, so I'd know he made it okay. He told me that I sounded like his girlfriend, and I laughed. I told him the difference was that she wanted to know where he was 24/7, and I just wanted to know if he made it home alive. He smiled, and said ok, that he'd call. So about 45 minutes later, my cell rang. It was Brad, home safe and sound. He said he was going to bed, and I said I was too. He started to ask me something, but he never finished, and when I asked what it was, he wouldn't tell me. He just said goodnight and hung up.

The next morning, at work, my cell rings again. It's Brad's girlfriend. She asked where I was, told her I was working, and that's when she proceeds to tell me that after Brad called me last night, he called her to say goodnight too. Thursday morning, she calls out to his house, and his mom said that he had left on his snowmobile around midnight Wednesday, and hadn't come home yet. Now, g/f is saying this like it's no big deal, but I knew the shape he was in when he left my house. He wasn't plastered, he was just buzzing enough to have the attitude that nothing bad could happen to him. Well, that's fine. He does that once in awhile. But he always comes home, or lets someone know where he is. This time, he didn't. All I could picture was his sled wrapped around a tree, with him laying not far from it, frozen solid. I usually keep my cool better than anyone else in situations like this, but I'll admit that I panicked this time. This made g/f panick, so I told her that I'd meet her and we'd start looking for him. I left work, and had only driven for about 5 minutes when my cell rang again. It was her. I answered, and she said "Don't worry, he's home."

I said, "Put him on the phone" so she did. He said hello like everything was cool, and already I was fuming. I said "What the fuck do you think the point was in calling people when you got home last night? It was to make sure you made it there safe, which TECHNICALLY, you did, right before you went missing overnight in the freezing cold"

He just kept telling me to calm down, that he was fine, had been all night, and for me to come pick him up and he'd explain it. I told him he'd better have a damn good story lined up because I was pissed. So when I got there, his g/f didn't look too pleased either, but she had things to go do, so Brad jumped in the car. I'd cooled off a little bit by this point. He started talking right away. He told me that after he got home, he'd called her, and they got in a fight, which is nothing new, and he had started driving to her house. Right before he got there, he realized what time of night it was, and didn't want to wake everyone in the house up. My cabin is only 5 or 10 minutes from her house, so he drove out around there. He went inside, built a fire, and ended up falling asleep on the couch. He never woke up until 10 the next morning, and realized that people were probably looking for him. He grabbed his cell phone off the table, and he noticed that he had dialed my phone number, and not pushed send. It was then he remembered that he had been sitting on the couch, thinking about me, and how he's never been to the camp without me before, and he wanted me to be there. Things were starting to click now. I asked him if he was trying to ask me to go with him the night before, at my house. He said no, that he hadn't even thought of the camp, but he wanted to stay at my house. With me. But he never asked, because he knew that I would have said yes (which I would have), and my roommates were all there that night, so it would have been nothing but trouble. Which, he was right. I would have said yes, I take risks like that. Plus, my guy-roommate and I have fooled around in the past (we don't anymore) so he knows I'm bi. His girlfriend and I have been friends since we were infants, so she's probably figured it out. I've never told her, and don't plan on it, but it wouldn't be a huge deal if she found out. So anyway, Brad said that's what had happened. I told him that if he would have called me, I would have come out, and he said he had gotten nervous, thinking I would shoot him down, so he hesitated calling. Too long, and fell asleep.

I told him that I would never shoot him down, and he started leaning in to kiss me (which STILL confuses me to no end...) It was right then that I almost told him I loved him, but I caught myself. Barely. "I" made it out of my mouth, and he stopped, looked at me, and asked what? I thought for a minute, and said "I don't think we should do this here", as we were sitting out in the open, and he said okay. We drove on to my house, where his g/f was gonna meet us, and watch a movie. I could barely even look at him for the rest of the night, I had freaked myself out that bad. I thought for awhile that since I felt that way, maybe I didn't really love him.

Right before they got ready to leave, I was in my bedrom doing something. I heard Brad say that he had to use the bathroom, and she said she was going to the car. She yelled goodbye to me, and went out the door. I started walking out of the bedroom to say bye to her, and Brad pushed me back in. He pushed me up against the door, and kissed me so hard I thought he broke my nose again (see post from August-ish). I'm talkin forceful, hot. When he finally pulled away, he had that grin on his face. "I've been wantin' to do that all day" he said. I said I'd been wanting him to do that all day too, and he smiled, and said goodbye. He held my hand all the way to the door, asking if I could pick him up from work on Friday, because his g/f couldn't. I said sure, and he blew me a kiss again before he stepped out the door. I watched him walk to the car, get in, and drive away. I had that weird feeling in my stomach again.

Bullshit I'm not falling in love with him.