Confirmation

Well, last night I finally got to see Brokeback Mountain. I had read the story a few times before, so I knew what goes on. However, movies always go into greater detail with things, and are generally understood better (by me, anyways) when one can physically "see" what's going on.

Surely, by now you all know that I believe that there is an uncanny resemblance to this story and what is going on with me and Brad. Seeing this movie only further confirmed this theory. That being said, I will now compare the two, to show y'all just how much there is in common. It's borderline-creepy:

-> From the start, you can tell Jack is clearly attracted to Ennis, by the way he positions himself alongside the truck while they wait for Joe Aguirre. I have always been attracted to Brad, while (as far as I know) he never knew until I told him. I've always said that of the two, I'm definitely the "Jack". I'm more open to what's going on, while Brad fits Ennis to a T. He's hesitant, unsure, reluctant, but always gives in.

-> The first few scenes of the guys at main camp are great. There is half-hearted flirting on Jack's part, as he tries to get Ennis to open up more. The first time Brad and I took off to my cabin (before anything had happened between us), was basically the same. We sat there for hours by the fire, drinking, talking, laughing, and I wanted him sooo bad that night, but couldn't get up the courage to say or do anything. Even after we took a midnight skinny-dip in the brook, and sat by the fire afterwards wearing nothing but small towels, I still couldn't gather the courage to be honest with him. Brad has since asked me why I never tried anything that night; had I, he would have been receptive since he had the same feelings as me. *frusterated sigh*

-> The tent scene. For the record, Ennis was a little rough for it being a first time. Poor Jack. That was kinda similar, but not enough to be significant. Jack is clearly the instigator here. He grabs Ennis' hand, and wraps it around himself. Then when Ennis realizes what's going on, he pulls away for a split second, then caves. The night I told Brad that I was bisexual, I said nothing about being attracted to him. Then when he told me he was bi too, I knew something was going to happen. I thought it, and he said it: Even though it may wreck our friendship, you know damn well it's going to happen sooner or later, so it might as well be now. He kinda made it sound like it was something that we had to do, just because we were both into guys. After I got frusterated enough with him, I stood up, knocking the chair over, whipped around the table, grabbed his head probably a bit too hard, and kissed him. I never gave him a choice. I held onto his head so tight he couldn't have pulled away if he wanted to. But he didn't. When I felt his tongue in my mouth, I knew that we'd crossed the threshold, and things would never be the same. When I finally broke the kiss, I looked down at him. My heart was beyond racing, I don't know how I was even still standing up. He was smiling up at me, with this look of pure excitement in his eyes. "Wow" he whispered. "There's one hell of an ice-breaker."

-> Naturally, Brad and I had the same awkward stage where I couldn't be around him enough and he didn't want to be around me at all, which damn near resulted in us beating the shit out of each other. This was the week after "the first time", but before I realized I was falling in love with him. I knew things would be awkward, but in my opinion, you have to confront the problem head on, and get it out of the way. Brad thinks the opposite: that if you ignore something long enough it will go away. Jack and Ennis, luckily, had to be away from each other, as per their respective jobs, but it was painfully obvious that they missed each other.

-> At the end of the summer, when the boys had to go their seperate ways, it damn near killed them. Ennis was sick to his stomach, Jack couldn't stop crying. When Brad told me he was moving across the country, I couldn't shake the pit in my stomach. I couldn't stand to look at him, but at the same time I wanted him to be with me as much as possible before he left. (He still hasn't left, and he talks about it less and less, and more about staying here; making plans for summer, etc.)

-> Ennis tells Jack that he and Alma are getting married the following November. Jack has no one, and wants Ennis to himself. Brad is with Bitch, and as bad as they treat each other, they love each other a lot. They will get married someday, I realize that. It won't last, mind you, but ah well. Basically, no matter how bad Ennis wants to be with Jack, he knows his place is with Alma. A la Brad and Bitch.

-> Jack wants the two of them to go away, and be together. Well, as of right now, I would accept that, gladly. Ennis is reluctant; he believes his place is with his family, not because he wants to, but because he has to. He has accepted his fate, he'll never be anything other than a ranch hand, no matter how miserable he may be. I believe that you make your own destiny. Brad on the other hand believes that you're stuck with the cards you're dealt.

-> Here's a short & simple one: They have their own special place where they go to be with each other, away from prying eyes: Brokeback Mountain. Brad and I have my cabin. With a lockable iron gate at the mouth of the road. 'Nuff said.

-> Ennis' wife, Alma, suspects something from nearly the start. The weirdest look comes over her face when she and Ennis are gettin' down, and he flips her over onto her stomach. It's funny. Brad's girlfriend, Bitch, has always suspected something. The first night we slept together, I awoke the next morning naked, alongside a naked Brad. For whatever reason, I got up to get a glass of water. While I'm standing at the sink, Bitch's car pulls in the driveway. So I quickly made it look as if I had slept on the couch, but when she went in to wake Brad up, she found him naked, with his clothes (along with an article or two of mine) strewn all over the room. It was obvious that Brad hadn't just gone to bed, undressed, and laid down. Plus, it was at a friends' house that I was watching for the weekend, so it looked weird that I had slept on the couch and Brad had gotten the master bedroom. And just like Alma, she confronts Ennis about it (eventually) but is always very civil to Jack (on the few occasions she meets him). Bitch makes remarks to Brad constantly about his "boyfriend" (me) but is always pleasant to me to my face. If only I could see her as little as Jack sees Alma...

-> Jack & Ennis are constantly paranoid about people finding out about them, for fear of their own safety; others opinions, and general disapproval of homosexuality moreso back in the 60's & 70's, than today. However, Brad and I have both gone through periods of thinking everyone knows about us. We've since talked about that, realized that no one has actual proof, and until they do, "it's all a viscous rumour".

-> Because of the risk involved, the boys cannot be together all the time. they cannot plan their trips out, they need to be totally spontaneous, resulting in them only hooking up every few months or so. Much the same with us. If we snuck off too often, people would get very suspicious, and it wouldn't take long before someone catches us in the act. So we have to control ourselves until neither of us can take it anymore (which makes for a GOOOOOD time when the time comes). This is funny because Brad once said that us running off at 3 in the morning, driving to the cabin in the woods, ripping each others' clothes off, and just fucking each others brains out was a lot more fun than knowing you're going to bed at home, and have so-so sex with whoever (no shit!)

-> In the movie, Jack freaks out on Ennis, and says "You might be okay with all this, but I can't get by on a coupla' high altitude fucks every few months" Which I have told Brad before. My exact words were (keep in mind I said this to him long before this movie ever came out): "If you only want to fuck me when you're drunk, and even then every 6 months or so, that's fine for you. But I'm not your little whore you can call whenever you want your dick sucked. I want it all the time, and you're not the only guy I can get it from". The look on his face when he realized that this wasn't all because of him. (Brad can be a little conceited sometimes)

-> The final point, is whenever they are apart for any period of time, they are so overjoyed when they finally do see each other. Brad and I spend a lot of time together, and sometimes, like any friendship, we get sick of each other. But if even 4 or 5 days go by (which doesn't happen often) we are so happy to be around one another again, because I'm really the only perosn who understands Brad, and vice versa.

Hopefully, we won't have an ending like they did. Especially since I'm "Jack" and if you've seen the movie, you know his outcome. I know in a perfect world, I could have everything I want, but it's not. It was just so weird to watch this played out on screen, and whether or not you think there are very strong similarities between this story and my situation, I do. It was as if I was having my future told to me. Up to the point in the movie where Brad and I are now made perfect sense, but neither of us knows what going to happen tomorrow. Watching this was like guidance, or advice on what could happen; what to be aware of. Brokeback Mountain doesn't have a happy ending, I'll say that much. As moving as it was, I don't want that to happen to Brad and I. But at least now I know how things will be if we continue on the path that we're on. Leading a double life is hard, especially in a judgemental environment like in which Brad and I live. Jack and Ennis went through this in the mid-West, in the 60's. There was no such thing as a gay cowboy back then, and if anyone dared admit to it, their fate was sealed. You have to make a choice at some point. And I realize that if I do love Brad, it's probably best I tell him now while he's here. No one knows, he might die tomorrow, or I might die. Nobody knows for sure. Ennis waited too long. By the time he realized that he could be with Jack, forever, it was too late. Hopefully that doesn't happen, but it's hard enough to say something like that to someone you've been friends with your whole life. I know Brad and I fuck, but it's different when the word "love" comes into the picture. He's asked me before, and I've denied it so far. Hopefully soon I'll gather enough courage to be honest with him, and myself, but only time will tell.

Let me know what you guys think, I'm curious to see someone else's point of view.