I said it.

Jesus, so last night... What a night. I almost wish it had never happened, in a way. I got a lot of things off my chest though. I'll try to take it easy on the minor details.

I went to a party, which I've been making a habit of the past few Thursdays. It doesn't make for a fun Friday morning, but whatever. Anyways, I ended up doing coke because I got too drunk and didn't want to fall asleep. Brad kept shooting these glances across the room at me. He couldn't have known that I did it, but he seemed to. Anyways, all of a sudden, he was gone, and I didn't really worry about it. About 45 minutes later, my cell rang and it was Bitch. She said Brad had come home but then they got in a fight and he left again. She said he seemed to be in "one of those moods" so I told her I'd find him. Flash forward to 3:00 this morning, I pull into Brad's driveway, his car is back in the yard. I walked in the house and into the living room. He's asleep on the couch. I don't know why, but this feeling just came over me. I shook him awake and he looked a little bewildered that I was there. He sat up and asked what was wrong. I said,

"I have a problem. A big problem."

So he asked what. I told him my cocaine habit was starting to get out of control, which it is. At first he seemed pissed off, either that I was there, or saying this, or because I'd woken him up. Honestly, I was hurt. I'd offered him help when he needed it and now I was asking for his and he was acting like this. I couldn't say anything, so I just sat back on my knees on the floor. I felt tears start to come to my eyes, and I just wanted to get up and leave but I couldn't move. Just about the point when I was starting to get up, Brad changed his tune. He told me I should call the rehab centre he went to, and got up and gave me their number. Then, the talk started.

He asked just how addicted to it I was, and I said not very, like I don't need it everyday or anything, like maybe once a week at a party when I get too drunk, but it's just that I do it so nonchalantly that I don't see what the big deal is over it. It's good that I recognized this before I got in even deeper so maybe I can put a stop to it. So anyways, we talked about that and I told Brad it had all started because I'm so upset with my life and all the things I feel I've screwed up. Our conversation came around to "us" when I said that there was only one thing in my life that made me happy. He wondered for a second, and then asked me if I was happy Tuesday night. I told him yes, that I was. I knew right then that it was time for me to say it. I told him that ever since it had all started I knew it was something good, even if it had to stay a secret, and even if he didn't feel the same way. I told him that I would never jeopardize him by 'outing' him but that I would always keep him inside me. I also told him never to ask me to stop feeling that way. He said he wouldn't. We were sitting outside on the step, and he turned to look at me. I still wasn't sure if he was mad or what, but when I saw his face with a soft expression on it I knew he was okay. We looked at each other in silence for a minute and then I whispered "I love you". As soon as I said it, I followed with "you don't have to say it back, that's not why I'm saying it to you. I just want you to know that." He nodded and put his hand on my arm. "I can't say it back. It wouldn't be fair to you if I did because I don't know if I do. I'm still trying to figure all this out." he said. I nodded; he was right. I was honest when I said that I wasn't saying it to him just so he would say it back. And it wouldn't be fair to me if he said it and didn't mean it.

So I went on to say that that was how I felt and as of right now that was the only thing that gave me any hope for anything, so not to ask me to push it aside. I told him I think about him almost constantly and whenever I get down or anything I think about him and whatever it is we have together. He asked me how I had dealt with that when I figured it all out, and I told him just one day at a time. He said he was still having trouble sometimes with it, and I told him I knew, which I do. You can tell when he's in certain moods around me that he just doesn't want to think about 'that'.

But for now, I guess everything is out on the table. He told me I had to tell my family what was going on with me and the drugs, and he's giving me until Sunday to do so, or he'll tell them. I'm going to call the rehab clinic today and see what they have to say, and hopefully where I'm just a casual user, it will be something easy to fix. As for me and Brad, he said we'd still go on as we have been, because he knew as much as he said he didn't want to do it anymore, that was a lie, and plus he didn't want to take away the only thing that makes me feel good. We hugged for a long time and he kissed my cheek. I didn't want to let him go but I had to. So I went home and went to bed. I was late for work this morning, and still a little buzzed when I finally got there, but still standing on both feet. I feel a lot better that me and Brad are on the same page for once and hopefully what I told him won't ultimately drive him away. The most important thing is that I said it. I meant it. I didn't scream it at him like last time.

This time, it counts.