Sitting On The Fence

Buck:

2010-04-11T23:32:00.002-03:00

I write these words as I ache to see you. I miss the sound of your voice, although I am battling with myself over grabbing the phone and dialing your number. I'm sure you would answer, at this time of night on the other end of the country, you're home.

You have totally consumed me the past few months, almost to the point of no return, until that day you called to say you were leaving. You had said this before and I always knew you were never serious. This last time, I knew there was no changing your mind. In the blink of an eye, I went from looking for an apartment for us to packing a suitcase and jumping aboard with you for one last ride. That last ride was over much too quickly, across the country in two days. The following two days were not unlike the last 6 months of our lives: wild, crazy, rushed. That drive to the airport that night was not something I wanted to face. I was coming back, you were staying. It was cold and raining, and the once I realized it was going to happen, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you and kiss you forever. We were late, the airline staff was hurrying me, and I didn't even get to come close to the goodbye I had planned. Maybe it was best this way, since you keep telling me it's only temporary. I almost got that new place anyway. You told me two nights ago to wait for you. I will always wait for you.

Even though we've known each other our whole lives, the last few months have changed everything for me. Everything I thought I wanted, everything I thought I could control, especially around you, have all changed. I fight to go to sleep every night since I left you in that airport. I am constantly preoccupied by you. Words like "invade" and "haunt" are completely inappropriate. I invite the thought of you, memories of your face, your smile that makes your almost-inhumanly blue eyes ignite, to the way your face falls and lets me know, without fail, that you're sad. I can read you entirely by looking at your face. You cannot hide emotion. You can, however, confuse the hell out of me when it comes to what I think you want from me. Well, I'm almost entirely sure I know what you want, what you know you can have, you're just scared. You know that I'm the only person who has ever really and truly loved you, because everyone else you have ever known seems to hate you for the same reasons that I do love you. It's what makes you you. If we could make it through the last 6 months alive, God knows what the future could hold.

I want you to come back. I told you that the other night on the phone. I miss you so much, Buck. My life has been so completely empty without you here. Your shirt still smells like you. Everytime I hear a truck drive by, I wake up and for a second think it's you, and then I fully awake and I know it's not. You know how I feel. I know you know. With all the things we've done, it's impossible for you not to know that it's something more for me. I thought I had been through this before, that it could never get any worse, but it can, and it has. This time is different though, it's not him. It's you. You're a game-changer. And you want it. And I want to give it to you. Just find what you're looking for, and come home to me. I love you.

Followup...

2010-01-29T02:19:00.002-04:00

Okay so, I'm not even gonna bother explaining the whole Kevin situation. I could and may go into detail at some point regarding some pretty hot fuck sessions, one involving a ski mask, but basically he couldn't make up his mind whether he was gay or straight and couldn't grasp the concept of bisexuality, so the relationship ended. I'm fine, he's fine, we still talk once in awhile, life goes on.

History also repeats itself...

Last week I posted a short message about me waking up next to a certain someone ;)
I will now explain myself.

Brad came into town (we no longer live in the same place) to see about a new job. I invited him to stay at my place while he was here, an offer he accepted. I should add that Brad is now engaged. Awhile back, Brad and I had a discussion where it was decided that whatever we "had" was over, and we would never speak of it again; we would move on. It was, believe it or not, something that I initiated. I pretty much fell out of love with him, I guess you could say. It worked out well, he had fallen in love with a girl (now his fiancee) and I am very happy for them both. But I'm still a horny guy. And so is Brad.

So his second night here, we went out to the bars. The last bar we ended up at was a strip club; a pretty decent one at that, for this town. So hot girls and a LOT of alcohol, we finally end up back at my place. I'm laying in my bed, half passed out, Brad comes in and sits down on the bed. I drank some water and woke up a little, and we just sat and talked for awhile. Naturally our conversation turned to sex, and I made a joke about how once you get married, you don't get laid anymore. He joked back that he doesn't get laid NOW, even before the wedding. After awhile we got to talking about stuff we used to do, and I said that it was possible we could do something tonight just for old times sake. I was honestly not even thinking he would take me seriously, but he stands up and pulls his shirt over his head. I'm looking up at him and he says "You gonna join me or what?" So we get naked and start making out on the bed, and it was nice to see nothing has changed with him. He started grinding his dick into mine and running his hands up and down my body, just like he always used to. My hands automatically went to my favorite place, his meaty muscular ass, and pulled him even harder into me. We flipped around and I took his cock in my mouth and sucked him for all I was worth. I had him moaning and squirming around in no time.

To set the scene a little better, when we used to fuck around at my old house, we did it pretty much anywhere. My bedroom then, though, was nothing special. It was just a regular bedroom. My bedroom here at my new place however, is pretty epic. It's huge, has this big gas fireplace to the right of my huge kingsize bed, a whole bunch of tiny recessed pot lights in the ceiling which that night were set so dim you could barely tell they were on, and on the wall that runs diagonal to my bed is a huge full-length mirror. So anyways all I'm saying is there was some major atmosphere going on.

So after I suck him off for awhile, he's getting so worked up that he makes me stop. I was honestly getting kinda tired, and I'd been blowing him for about 20 minutes, so I was ready to wrap it up. But when I stopped, I looked up from between his legs and he's giving me that amaaaazing sex-crazed glare from his blue eyes and says "where's your lube?"
All it took was a glance at the nighttable and he had it out of the drawer. I got up on my knees and he pushes me down onto my back. He squeezes some lube out into his hand and wraps his big hand around my hard cock and starts jerking me off. Meanwhile, his left hand is going between my legs and he starts fingering my ass. My brain is going into sensory overload and now I start writhing around on the bed. This just seemed to spur him on even more and he has 3 fingers inside me by this point and doing a bang-up job on my dick. Of course, all I can manage to say is "fuck me" so he moves back a little and grabs my ankles. He's now running his hands down the backs of my calves and up my thighs, pulling me closer to him. He's still got that hungry crazed look in his eyes, so when he positioned himself, I steeled myself for a rough sweaty fuck. And that's just exactly what I got.

My hair is a little longer now, kinda like it was when we started fucking around 5 years ago. So at one point, we're turned around facing the foot of the bed, and the mirror, and he's fucking me really hard doggie-style when he notices the mirror. He grabs a handful of my hair and starts slamming his dick into me, and totally surprises me by growling "you like watching me fuck you? I bet you missed my cock in your ass" I'm, at this point, trying not to hyperventilate, it feels so good. He lets go of my hair and grips my hips so hard I was sure he broke the skin. He's fucking me so hard, the bed, which is a heavy wooden king size bed, was moving away from the wall. The fireplace was on and it was hotter than hell in there so we're both covered in sweat which you all know is a major turn on for me. Plus I'm getting to watch the whole thing in the mirror, his wet hair stuck to his forehead, the sweat dripping off of us both, his teeth gritted and the dim light accenting every muscle in his body. I knew as soon as I caught this image that I was done for, and I groaned "harder Brad. I'm ready" and as soon as I said "ready" he started moaning soooo loud and somehow managed to fuck me even harder. I started cumming and was sure my head was exploding when he slams it home and yells "FUUUUUCK!!!!" and unloads inside of me. All I remember after that is taking another sip of water and I wake up about 5 hours later, me laying in my bed normally, Brad laying crossways on it. I moved around so I was laying next to him and thought I would steal some time before he woke up to just lay there next to him. I was laying on my side and put my arm around his waist and fell back asleep.

A few hours later I awoke again to him getting out of bed. I immediately thought "oh no. He's gonna have major regrets or be pissed off at me or both" but when he noticed I was awake, he just smiled and said good morning. The rest of his time here, you wouldn't know anything had ever happened between the two of us. He left a few days later, and I'm actually happy it was just a one-time (or one-more-time) thing.

Later that day, I kinda had the familiar feeling that I used to have and got a little worried. But it went away, thank God. As much fun as it was, I couldn't go through that again with Brad, it's wayyy too complicated. For those of you who have read my whole blog know what I'm talkig about. To those of you who haven't, I strongly urge you to read up, especially anything from 2006 (which really, is the majority of the whole thing) My experiences with Brad are fully explained and there are also quite a few pretty hot sex sessions mixed in there too.

So there's the story guys & girls, I hope you enjoyed it! It was long overdue...

Peace,

~Clark~

You're not going to believe this...

2010-01-20T13:15:00.001-04:00

...I woke up next to Brad this morning. I'll leave you with that for awhile ;)

~Clark

Happy New Year (?) to me...

2010-01-07T23:06:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone... I didn't forget to add the rest of my story. We're just on a bit of a "break" right now, I guess, and haven't felt much like writing about our early days. Long story short (you know one of these days I'm gonna need to vent and give you the long version) but he seems to be on the fence (no pun intended...kinda) as to SURPRISE! whether or not he wants to be in a serious relationship with a guy! Honestly, I can't really hold it against him because I've been there before too, but like, DUDE! I can only go through this same old story so many times! As a bisexual guy, it is an extra turn-on to nail a "straight" guy, whether or not he is totally straight, but one of these times I'd like him to say "yeah I'm willing to give it a try" and then actually LIKE it! It would help so-ooo much if the only guys that say this weren't totally hot and nice and awesome to be around. It sounds horribly shallow but the only guys who seem to want to give me anything more are the ones that I'm not attracted to. AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Any advice? Anyone? Please??

-Clark-

Unconditional; Irrevocable

2009-11-24T23:03:00.004-04:00

Hello everyone, or if anyone even still checks on me...

I am sitting on my couch, feeling a little bored, and suddenly remembered how consumed I once was by this blog. I always avoided a farewell-post, since I never wanted to actually fully abandon it. I do apoligize to those who were faithful to me, and your comments and emails really do mean a lot to me. Those of you who complimented my writing skills, you have inspired me to become a writer. Someday, haha! Nothing concrete in the works yet, but I think about it more and more everyday.

My previous post was supposed to be a comeback point, but I was offered an incredible job about a week afterwards and have since been extremely busy with that. Now that I am leveling out again, I thought I would again attempt a comeback. Something along the lines of what my original blog was, minus (hopefully) the drama. I (we) am (are) nearing the end of the fourth month of a new relationship with a guy named Kevin.

At this new job of mine, I made some new friends, one of them named Tammy. She and her boyfriend Greg have parties at their apartment fairly frequently, and a few of the people at work asked me if I knew what their story was. I, of course, had no idea what they were talking about. Turns out they are swingers, which I am fine with. Some people at work find it very giggle-worthy, but I am not one to throw stones about different lifestyles. Long story short, this came up in a conversation one night at a non-swinging party between Tammy and myself. Once we were feeling comfortable enough with each other, she asked me if I was bi. I told her yes, and she was cool with it and everything. She then goes on to tell me, she had invited her friend Kevin but he couldn't make it. Now she wishes she would have tried harder since he's bi too and she could have set us up. I just smiled and told her thanks, but that I didn't really like being set up.

So fast forward a few weeks and a bunch of us all get together again for a barbecue. There are already a bunch of people there when I get there, and after an hour or so, I'm standing talking to a few guys about speedboats, one of whom I find very attractive and somewhat resemblant of Peter Facinelli, and Tammy comes up to us and looks in my general direction and says "Oh I see you two have finally met." I kinda give the guy a look and then back to Tammy, "Uhh, no actually we haven't," and reach out to shake his hand and tell him my name. He shakes my hand and smiles this amazing smile, and says "Hi man, I'm Kevin." I look back at Tammy, and she's doing this weird thing with her eyes, back and forth from him to me, and I finally get it. I wait a few minutes and excuse myself from the conversation and find Tammy. I make sure that I am understanding what she's trying to tell me, and I'm right. All of a sudden I've got this happy/nausous feeling in my stomach. Tammy takes every chance she gets the entire night to try to keep us together, and I finally find myself a a couple of others sitting by te campfire, when Kevin walks over and sits next to me. We're kind of away from everyone else, so he leans in a little closer to talk to me. He says,

"I'm sorry, but I had to ask Tammy what her problem was tonight. She was being a little crazy, even for her, about creating these random things for us to talk about."

I laughed, and replied "Yeah I know. I still don't know her all that well, but umm, I think I know why she was doing it..."

He gives me this look, one I know all too well now, and says "Yeah, I do too. Do you uhhh, wanna go for a walk with me?" (lol, he drug out that uhhhhh for a really long time so now whenever I ask him something, I do it like that on purpose and he knows why I do it)

So we go for this walk on a path behind the park where we're at, and we start having an open conversation. I tell him that he in no way looks acts or sounds anything other than straight, and he says the same thing about me. He told me that Tammy had told him about me awhile back and didn't introduce us when I had arrived at the barbecure. We discussed his long-term girlfriend and their recent breakup, and the fact that he had never been in an actual relationship with a guy that wasn't otherwise based on sex. I told him about my past relationship and how it had been my first with a guy, and was preceded by a very long term with a girl. I told him how I felt like a new person, finally admitting to myself who I really was, and that people were a lot more accepting than I thought they would be. I was actually starting to realize that I was rambling after awhile, when he grabbed my arm, pushed me up against this high fence, and kissed me. And kept kissing me, for a long time. The feeling inside me was like that very first time with Brad, all over again. I welcomed it with open arms.

I'm going to stop here for now. There's still a lot more to this that I want to share, but I have to work early in the morning. So please keep checking back, hopefully I haven't waited too long... Of all the stories I have shared, I want everyone to hear this one the most, as it develops...

~Clark

R.I.P Farrah & Michael

2009-06-26T02:36:00.002-03:00

I know it's been ages since I've blogged. I'm sorry. My life has been very un-interesting in the past year or so. But as I sit here tonight, after feeling absolute sadness all day from the death of 70's pop-icon Farrah Fawcett, and later on, the sudden and unexpected death of Michael Jackson, I just felt the need to express my true feelings for the both of them.

The first news story I read online this morning was, of course, that Farrah Fawcett had died. This was nothing short of a blessing. This poor woman had suffered for the past 3 years from cancer. I have seen too many people in my own life suffer and ultimately die of this horrible disease, moreso my own grandfather. A wonderful musician, and overall human being who was nothing short of a Saint his entire life, ravaged by full-blown bone and lung cancer in his early 70's. Watching him suffer for that year (almost to the day) was the hardest thing I have ever seen with my own two eyes. The image of him lying on his deathbed will haunt me for my entire life, as well as the memory of myself and my family praying for him to die and be done with the suffering. I can only imagine Farrah's family doing the same. She was a phenominally beautiful, kind lady who had to overcome many obstacles in her life. Viscious rumors, abusive relationships, substance abuse, stuff that smaller people deal with everyday. But when all is said and done, we are all human. Life is not dictated by how rich or famous we are. Farrah's long-time companion, Ryan O'Neill, stood by her side until the end, and I was especially saddened to hear that they had planned to marry in the coming days, as they both knew the end was near. That day would ultimately never come. For a girl whose rise to fame began with the now-iconic poster of her in the red bathing suit, with the flippy blonde hair (which I currently have set as my desktop background) to the most memorable Angel of all time, to somewhat of a fallen star, she lived a relatively low-key life, only sometimes highlighted in the tabloids by nothing but negativity. In the end, I can only say thank God that her pain is finally gone. She will forever be immortalized in our hearts as a sex-symbol who dealt with problems that a lot of others deal with around the world everyday. My condolences go out to Mr. O'Neill as well as Farrah's family, friends, and fans around the world. You were a beautiful, wonderful person who will be dearly missed.

"...he was beyond phenomenon."

Much like the assasination of J.F.K, the death of Elvis Presley, 9-11, and the inauguration of America's first black President, the sudden death of Michael Joe Jackson seemed to stop the world for a few moments today. When I finally started to process what had happened, I wondered why I was so concerned. This was a man who was riddled with controversy over the past few years. Everyone seemed to have turned their backs on him. He was nothing more than an eccentric recluse who preyed on young boys. I myself often wondered if those allegations were true. Now that I've looked much closer at the life of a man who I once idolized as a young child, I can see that his life and legacy meant so much more. People don't seem to want to remember the good parts, like the Jackson-5, or the release of Thriller in 1983, the year I was born. How many people my age or a few years older always wanted a single, sequined glove and a red leather jacket? How many danced around their bedrooms to Billie-Jean or Beat It, completely awestruck at the very thought of Michael Jackson's persona. His life-long quest for world peace. I admit I never gave any of this stuff a second thought until tonight, until I had a chance to go through those memories again, reminisce with those feelings from my childhood. It's definitely no secret that this man was different. But I also have to wonder if that was a result of growing up in one of the biggest spotlights of all time, from the age of 5, until his death at age 50. He was under tremendous pressure for all those years. You have to admit that that must have some sort of mental toll on a person after awhile. Regardless, I can't help but think back on Michael as an enormously generous, kind-hearted, talented man, who set so many standards for people to come after him. If I had to sum up his life in one word, it would definitely be "unique". There has never been, nor will there ever be, someone quite like him. As I said about Farrah Fawcett, Michael was also a pop-icon who will never be totally forgotten. As I sit in my living room and watch the coverage on CNN, the people who have gathered at the L.A. hospital, outside of the gates of Neverland Ranch as well as his rented home, all unique and somewhat eccentric in their own ways, I can't help but feel the need to throw on my iPod and listen to his music. I do know that the first thing I am doing tomorrow morning, is driving down to the closest music store and buying my own copy of Thriller, which is something I have been meaning to do for quite awhile. Now I feel it's the least I can do for one of my childhood hero's.

Michael, you too will live on in the memories of so many people the world-wide. There are many bumps on the road of life, which you know all too well, but like I said, in the end, we're all human. And it don't matter if you're black or white.

PROOF I'm not dead...

2007-10-31T23:57:00.000-03:00

Okay, so sorry that I posted so long ago and didn't follow up on it. So much has been happening and I have been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy since I moved here that I honestly had to put the Blog on the proverbial back burner for awhile, but I have been checking in and reading the urgent comments for me to post, so here it is...

Okay, I love 'the other end of the country' and my new job, had a good summer and all that crap, I'm just gonna tell you the things I know you all wanna know. A bit of bad news to start, Brad and I are over. SOO over. Mutually, though. His new girlfriend was on my computer one night and found a letter I had written him and hadn't yet given to him, telling him exactly how I felt about him and everything else, and there were a few details in there that New Girl shouldn't have seen, i.e. me referring to specific times we had fucked and how I loved him and couldn't stand seeing him with anyone else. So some damage control was done. I of course, was outed (which I normally am not) and there was no denying that. New Girl handled this so well, and I'm not being sarcastic either. As it turns out, she had gone through a similar situation earlier in life and completely understood all angles of what had happened. Brad had a hard time adjusting to the fact that his girlfriend knew he had been fucking/getting fucked by a guy for the past 2 years, but between her and I, we finally got him to vent and now he seems okay with it. We all live together in a house here by the way... New Girl, who I had extreme hatred for at first, has become one of my closest friends, being one of the few people who know about my sexual orientation, and she's totally cool with it. It was difficult getting here to believe that I really am Bi and have no idea if I wanna spend the rest of my life with a man or a woman, but she understands that now, too. If we're watching TV and a hot guy comes on, she'll say something like "Wow, I'd do him. You?" which I think is great, I don't have to hide anything around her anymore and neither does Brad. Some how, some way, my feelings for him have slowly dissolved as all of this has taken place, since now I can see that he is truly the happiest I have ever seen him with her. I know, it sounds like a load of crap, but my next part of the story will confirm it all...

Late this summer, I left my job to go to the competitors, and after a month I realized the grass wasn't exactly greener on the other side, so I went back to my old boss and asked for my job back, which he was more than happy to give me because he had been blown away by how good of a job I had done in the short time I had been there. One condition, he had hired a replacement while I was gone, and he seemed to be working out quite well also, so we would both work together on our specific job. The following Monday as I walked to my station, I smiled and said hello to all the familiar faces, and then I saw my new coworker. A tall, muscular, dark haired, bright-blue-eyed, tanned, dazzling-smiled Adonis named Dan. I honestly don't think I have ever fell for someone THAT QUICKLY before in my life. Before I even made it over to him, I had mumbled "Holy...Shit...." under my breath. Since Minute One we have been close friends, clicking instantly and almost immediately me sensing that there might potentially be something else there, someday.

Dan has a girlfriend, but I'm using that term loosely. Most conversations we have about her are about how big of a bitch she is and how she lies and starts fights for no reason. Not exactly a concrete relationship. The more and more I fell for this guy, the more I realized we had in common and how much further apart he and his girlfriend were growing. It all came to a head one Friday night a few weeks ago...

A day or two before, I let something slip that may or may not have given him an indication that I was into guys. He knew all about my ex girlfriend and all, but nothing about me being bi. So anyways, after clamming up for an hour or so, he finally said "Man, are you gay? It's cool if you are, I really don't care, but we're getting to be pretty good friends here and I don't want anything between us..." I of course was still a little skeptical, so I stayed silent for a few minutes and finally answered no. That was that, no more was said of it. Until the following Friday night.

I had been away on a business trip for 2 days and arrived home around 11 that Friday night. As I was throwing laundry into the washer, my cell rang. It was Dan. He sounded upset, and asked if I was home, and I said yes. He said he and his girl had gotten in a huge fight and he had taken off walking, and was headed for my house (he only lives 4 blocks away). So when he arrived, we decided to go out to the bar and getting totally hammered, which we did... After we had staggered back to my house to sit in the garage and drink more, he gets what I like to call "Into Brad Mode" where he talks lower and his gazes linger longer than they should and he finds excuses to touch me, and he asks me if I think he's sexy (Dan's very conceited by the way, and we always joke around at work about how hot he is, and until this night, I always made it seem like I was just playing into the joke) so I said yes, that he is hot. Very hot.

"How hot" He says

"So hot you make me wanna do things to you I have never done before" I say back with a sly grin (if he only knew)

"Oh? Like what?" He presses on...

"Like..." as I put my hand on his thigh, "...this" and lean in to kiss him, fully expecting him to jerk his head back and shove me away, laughing. But he didn't. My lips crashed into his, and as drunk as I was, it took less than an instant for me to realize that he had wanted me to do that all along. My hands went up to his shoulders, his to mine, our mouths opened, tongues met, somehow I ended up straddling him in the chair, greedily kissing each other for all we were worth. It seemed like an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds. I pulled away and stood up, staring directly into those icy blue pools of his eyes. They were staring right back into mine, a look of positive-uncertainty on his face.

"Wha... I can't believe you did... You are gay... Aren't you?" He stammers, with a grin.

"Well, no, not exactly. I'm bi." I said.

blah blah blah, the rest of the conversation was the usual stuff, me explaining everything (minus the fact that I wanted to run away with him and fuck him and marry him) and he seemed okay with it. I asked him if he was gay, bi, or just verrrry curious, and he said he had done some minimal stuff with a few guys before, never all the way but that sex to him was just that, sex. It didn't matter who it was between, he was very open-minded. But then he added that disclaimer I seem to keep running into: underneath all the shit, he loves his girlfriend and could never cheat on her, because he has been cheated on too many times.

Which I can easily respect. I've been cheated on before and it's not fun. But that's not to say that I'm giving up on the idea of Danny, and one of our cocks planted firmly in the others' ass at some point in time. We came up with a plan, that since I really have nothing concrete here, that if he and his girlfriend ended up breaking up, he and I would head down to California to live in San Diego where he lived before he moved here. He said that since he moved away from there it was the biggest mistake of his life but his girlfriend has her roots planted here and refused to move to Cali. Plus I've ALWAYS wanted to live in California, so we agreed that if/when they split, we load up my car and head south.

So other than the "kiss" nothing has transpired between the two of us. Yet. But believe me, I can easily see this becoming more sooner or later. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but I have a good feeling that it's not...

Happy Halloween!!

- Clark -

I'M NOT DEAD!!!

2007-07-16T01:53:00.000-03:00

Hey everyone, just thought I would write a quick pre-post to say that I AM STILL HERE and I check the blog often but I have been SOOO busy with work here and honestly haven't had any time to write anything. Brad is still here also (and by 'here' I mean we both moved across the country to live in the same house together yet again...) in more ways than one ;) so PLEASE keep checking back in the next few days and I will try my hardest to get something interesting posted... Like today's experience...

-Clark-

All good things must come to an end...

2007-03-29T22:17:00.000-03:00

Okay, I've been racking my brain for over a week now trying to figure out what and how to write this post. So so so much has happened since my last post and I have been debating what to include and what to leave out, all despite the fact that I have had next to no time to myself for over a month. So here goes...

As I think I had mentioned last time, Brad had pretty much moved in with me. He and Bitch finally FINALLY called it quits for GOOD this time, which was actually bittersweet. I saw a side of my best friend that made me feel so bad for him that I found myself wishing that they would get back together. After all of the horrible things that he did to her, relationship/faithfullness wise, and after all of the times that she found out about whatever those things were, she finally got sick and tired of it all and called things quits; moved on, found another guy (who we'll call Asshole) and basically cut off all contact with Brad. He, however, took things absolutely horrible. He descended into this black hole where everything was negative, nothing was good with anything, drank continuously, had awful mood swings, cried, called her cellphone at all hours of the night, threatened her new boyfriend; overall, it was awful. The only good thing (for me) that came out of it was that he moved in with me. I, for once, was his shoulder to cry on, which he has done more times for me before than I care to count. It was at this time that I realized that maybe Brad moving in with me wouldn't be the best thing for our relationship. I mean, sure, we're still good friends, actually better than ever, but when he fell into this depression he lost all desire whatsoever for sex. And it was that that almost cost us our friendship.

I had noticed that the past few times we had sex that he seemed distant, not really into it. He stopped letting me kiss him on the lips, and gradually came down to not letting me top him anymore. That led to him not sucking me off, and eventually not even fucking me anymore. One night, I was sitting on the couch, my stomach churning because I knew everything was falling apart but not knowing why. He was in bed, and I slowly walked in to his bedroom and asked him what was wrong between us. He didn't move, didn't say anything, so I quietly slipped in to bed beside him. I laid there for a few minutes, not touching him, and then I rolled over and slid my arm around him. I felt his body tense up but I left my arm where it was. Suddenly he snapped up out of bed and started shouting something about me not taking a hint and started grabbing his things. All I could think of was losing him, and how if he didn't want to have sex anymore, then that was fine, we could just be friends. I was trying so hard to calm him down so I could tell him this but he was furious. He was headed for the door but I shoved him aside and blocked the way. He tried to move me but I stayed. He started running for the front door but I jumped at him and we fell down on the floor. I thought he was going to punch me but he jumped back up and started for the door again. I caught him just as he got to it and grabbed him around the waist and swung him around. We slammed into the wall and the drywall disintegrated. We both kinda snapped out of it and he gave me this look like I was the worst person in the world. We were both covered in dust and he was giving me this awful, hateful look. I felt the tears start to run down my face and he pushed me away and walked out the door. I let him go, and as I watched him pull out of the driveway I honestly thought my heart was exploding. I cried uncontrollably for I don't know how long until I finally fell asleep on the floor. When I awoke, I called in to work and said I wouldn't be there. I immediately went to the doctor and told him I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He put me off work for awhile and then I knew I had to deal with Brad again at some point. It didn't take long.

I saw his car pull in my driveway not long after I got back from the doctor and we had a loooong talk. We came to the conclusion that what had happened had been coming on for a long time, and that the best thing to do was to call things off. He was still too torn up about Bitch and needed to do all he could to get her back. That was when he told me the last thing he said to her before she dumped him was what he thought she had wanted to hear for a long time; that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Apparently that wasn't the case, and that's when he fell apart. He apoligized to me for the night before, and for leading me on for so long. He said he still wanted to live here with me, and help me out as best he could, I agreed that that would be best, as much as it hurt to say so.

Since then, we have both quit our jobs. My house is in the process of being sold, and we are both moving across the country. But not together. He's actually going to be living about an hour away from where I am going, which isn't so bad, and I have been offered a great job with a film company. Ironically enough, our first job when I get out there is being shot partially on location where parts of Brokeback Mountain were filmed. I'm actually looking forward to starting a new life. I am still dreading being away from Brad but I realize now that the way things were going, it would never have worked anyway. We have had the most fun we could both possibly could have had over the past few weeks. It's great not having to get up and go to work in the morning, my birthday was last weekend so we took off to a nearby city and got really drunk and partied for three days, took a lot of good pictures, and thats where Brad met a new girl. Not the happiest thing for me to face on my birthday but I do need to get over him. So that's where he is tonight, back in the city, with her. I will admit, she is pretty cool, beautiful, really fun to hang out with, and according to Brad, one hot fuck. She stayed in our hotel room Saturday night and when I finally awoke the next morning, Brad was in the shower, and she was laying in the other bed, making fun of how drunk I was the night before. After awhile she said she needed to get dressed, so I told her to go ahead, being a smartass, and she rips the blankets back and walks across the room, totally naked, staring at me from this beautiful set of blue eyes. My mouth must have dropped open because she giggled and said "Happy Birthday" and right then Brad came out of the bathroom and started laughing. We all get along like that, I honestly would have fucked her brains out if he would have stayed in the shower any longer...

So anyways, that's that I guess, I'm gonna try to maintain my blog, so don't think that this is my last post. For the next little while it will be less about sex and more about me starting over, but hopefully somewhere along the line it will get re-focused on some steamy stories...

Thank you all SOOO much for the emails, sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to many of them, but like I said I have been very occupied. Please, keep emailing me, and I will at least try to keep up with those on a steady basis. Any questions are cool, ask me anything! Please everyone stay in touch, and keep checking back to the blog because like I say, you never know when a new post may pop up... Just like I never know when Brad may change his tune (again) and another encounter between the two of us comes along ;)

Peace out...

"Clark"

Life. Is. Good.

2007-02-20T12:47:00.000-04:00

What else can I say? I am totally, absolutely, 100% in love. I know, you all have probably figured that out by now anyway, but since my last post, Bitch has completely left the picture. Yes, they broke up. Brad's been having a hard time with it, and honestly, I did feel awful for him at first. There was actually a point where I would have liked to see them back together because he was just inconsolable. But he's come around a little now, at least that's what he's projecting, and he has all but officially moved into my house. He's spent the past 11 nights there, and we've had a few "put-it-all-on-the-table" talks during that time. I admit I went through another period where I denied my feelings for him in order to make him feel better but he cornered me last weekend and said he knew what I felt and that it was okay. I still couldn't drag out of him what he was feeling however. But as we climbed into bed, exhausted from an incredibly long day and evening, he rolled over and gave me this huge, genuine hug, nuzzled his head into my neck and said "I love you" into my ear. I knew he could see my smile in the dark as I told him that I loved him too, and for the longest time, he wouldn't let go of me. As a matter of fact, I think I fell asleep before he did let me go. Anyways, like I mentioned in my last post, our relationship is at the point where we can sleep together now without completely raping each other every chance we get, which is nice sometimes. I guess you could say we've become somewhat of a married couple when it comes to bedtime... haha! I dunno, I'm just rambling. I am honestly swamped at work right now (which is where I am now) but I have been promising an update and this is the best I can do with my schedule for right now... Just letting everyone know that things are better than ever between the two of us, and again, feel free to email me anytime.

clarkkent383@hotmail.com

Later

An old friend's return...

2007-01-22T16:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I admit, I've been incredibly lazy with the blog since before Christmas... I REALLY appreciate anyone who reads it, but honestly I just didn't feel like blogging... Until now, because something really awesome happened on the weekend that I HAVE to share...

So Brad and I have been hooking up more often than ever; Bitch has been staying at my house less and less since she started back to school, Brad still stays once in awhile (probably not as often now because he too returned to work) and it's just gotten so mainstream that not much seems particularly 'special' anymore. He still fucks me like a wild man, as I do him, you know, good hard rough sweaty fucking but that's what we've always done. We did pull another all-nighter last Thursday night, totally unplanned, we both fell asleep on the couch watching TV and when I awoke around 2:30 I had a throbbing hardon. Before I could fully wake up though, Brad awoke and walked into the bathroom. When he came back out he turned to walk into the bedroom and I waited until I heard his pants hit the floor and I called him back out. He poked his head around the corner,

"What?" He asked.

"Get out here. We're gonna have a contest." I said slyly.

He walked out in his boxers, "What kind of contest?" He asked,

"We're gonna have a jackoff contest since I'm horny. You're always horny, so I know you wanna. And where it's so late whoever cums first wins" I half-expected him to just turn around and walk back in to the bedroom but he smiled and said "Okay!" and dropped his underwear while walking to the couch.

I turned on a porno and we started jacking off, which quickly elevated to us jerking each other off, to me sucking him off (best blowjob I've ever given, so he said... I'm getting much better at deepthroating) and then after a few minutes he turned into a whore-boy and was begging me to fuck him. I mean like, no preparation, no fingers, rimming, nothing. I started to put a finger in him, and he grabbed my hand and said "No, your cock. Like, right now. All of it" So despite the look of sheer pain on his face I slammed it home and fucked him like crazy on the couch, the coffee table, the floor, at some point we moved to my bed where I plowed him some more. Then I was begging him to fuck me, which he did and it also felt like the best ever. Like, brace yourself on the headboard. He had me by the hips and was pulling completely out and shoving it all the way in. I grabbed my cock and jerked it once and exploded all over the bed. Suddenly he pulled out and flipped me over and straddled my thighs and pumped his cock viciously until he blasted all over my face and chest. He fell on top of me and started licking his spooge off my face and then stuck his tongue in my mouth. After a few minutes he stood up and pulled me into the shower where we cleaned each other off and ended up fucking again, it was wicked. Then we sat on my couch until 6:00 a.m. and just talked, smoked, shot the shit so to speak, and here I am having to get up for work at 7. Just before we drifted off to sleep Brad told me to take his car to work and he would take mine to his dad's garage and clean it all up for me while I was at work. So I awoke and went to work (dead tired, by the way) and met up with him again Friday afternoon. He spent Friday night at his house and Saturday was spent just being lazy I guess...

Now for the best part of the weekend...

I've mentioned before about my ex-roommate Leigh and how we had messed around a couple of times before like 3 years ago and neither of us had mentioned it since, really. Well Saturday night, Leigh's girlfriend had to work the late shift and said she probably wouldn't feel like going out after work anyway, but that Leigh could feel free to go out with me if he wanted. So I picked him up around suppertime and we ate and went back to my place and drank a few beer, a couple of other buddy's came over and we all went out to a party, then to the bar afterwards. By the time we left the bar and my friend Ian was driving us home, Leigh was passed out in the backseat. Since Leigh's house is in the opposite direction as my house, I told Ian to just take us both there and I'd call Leigh's g/f when we got there to let her know where he was.

When we pull in the driveway, Leigh half-awoke and must have thought he still lived there, and climbed out of the car, honestly with eyes still closed, walked around Ian's car, around my car, in the house, into the living room and onto the couch just like he used to when he lived there. I was laughing hysterically at how smoothly he did it all. So I grabbed another beer and walked over the couch and sat at Leigh's feet. Being drunk and horny, and a porno being on TV, I started to get a little brave. I needed to jack off, and when Leigh passes out, it takes a LOT to wake him up. Apparently he wasn't as passed out as I had thought, because before I even had my belt unbuckled he started to stir. He moved his feet up onto my lap, right on top of my hard dick. I froze for a minute just to see what he was up to. Suddenly I felt his foot move slightly 2 times. I grinned, as this was our signal for "let's go" when we used to fool around before. (i.e. if we were passed out somewhere, etc) so I flexed my thigh muscle twice back. His foot moved twice again, I flexed again. With that he sat bolt upright on the couch and yanked his shirt off. He stood me up and started yanking my pants off while I took care of my shirt. We were both naked in like record time. I noticed that he wasn't nearly as apprehensive as he used to be. Before, he'd be really nervous and reluctant and especially get really awkward after it was all over, but he was like a new man this time. I called him on it and he just said "well since then I've gotten a lot more comfortable with the idea, as long as it's only with you, and I never wanted to do anything while I lived here just in case it caused some friction." I was touched but didn't wanna turn this into a big long talk so I grinned and said "Speaking of friction..." and wrapped my hand around his shaft, which in case I haven't mentioned before, is freakin' gi-normous, like beer-can thick and about 9 inches long, and Leigh is only about 5'6" or 7" so on his small (but muscular) frame it looks even bigger. I went way down on him and he sounded like he really appreciated it. He had his hands wrapped around the back of my head pumping away and asked if I was gonna let him fuck me finally. (We never actually fucked before because I was a lot less experienced back then and his dick was just scary-looking so we always stuck to blowjobs)

So when he asked and I lifted my head and went "Oh fuck yes" he looked kinda surprised. I said "Well, I'm a little more experienced now than I was back then so I think I can take that just fine now" and that's when he asked if me and Brad were fucking. I trust Leigh with everything but I didn't really wanna betray Brad so I just told Leigh that I wasn't saying any names but that he wasn't exactly off track with that guess. He smiled, nodded, and said "I figured, don't worry. I won't say a word." and I went back to sucking him.

"So are you saying that Brad is hung bigger than me?" He asked.

I laughed and lifted up again, "Fuck no! Well, he's not small by any means but man, you got a porno cock here. I've never seen anybody with one like you before."

He asked me how long we had been doing it, and looked surprised when I said over a year and a half. "So you really do have lots of experience then!"

I smiled and nodded. He then said, "So how do you like it?" I crawled up his body and looked him straight in the eyes and said "Hard, fast, rough. Just as hard as you can give it to me. And I'm serious." His jaw dropped and I felt his cock harden even more in my hand. He was always a big leaker and there was no exception this time. My hand was nearly soaked and he still tasted the same as always. I told him this and he asked what he tasted like. I said "I dunno, you taste like you, but I always loved it. Even better than Brad" He seemed quite flattered so he let me suck him for a few more minutes before he lifted me up and asked where the lube was. I grabbed it from my bedroom and he asked where I wanted to do it.

"Right here is good" I said, meaning the couch. I started greasing us both up and he had this look of excitement in his eyes that I had never seen before. He had always looked very nervous and scared but now he was much more comfortable.

I positioned myself over him and started working him into me verrry slowly.
"Nervous?" He asked.
"Fuck no, I'm an old pro at this now." I smirked back.

Well, Leigh is bigger than Brad. And I noticed. I must have been wincing because he asked very quietly if I wanted to stop.

"God no. I've wanted to do this since the first time did anything - it's happening this time."

"Good." He said.

After a few minutes he was in and I felt much better (and fuller). I sighed and looked down at him. He grinned up and asked if I was good. I affirmed and started slowly riding up and down on his pole. He immediately threw his head back and grabbed my hipbones. I went increasingly faster until he was moaning and gasping out loud, his head still back on the couch. I bent down and started sucking on his neck and ear, which he apparently really liked.

"I know we said no kissing but that feels fucking good" he hissed.

I tightened my legs and my ass and started riding him harder. His nails were digging into my ass cheeks and as I rode away, I abruptly stopped. His head snapped up and asked what was going on.

"I want you to plow me," I said, "but not on the couch."

We stood and went to my bedroom, where Leigh shoved me down onto the bed on my hands and knees and shoved his way back inside me, my head spinning.

"Oh goddammit just fucking like that man. Just as hard as you can" I breathed.

He started slamming away and moaning and swearing and sweating and I just kept telling him to go faster, harder, rougher. He had one hand on my right hip and his left hand was clawing at the back of my shoulder as he jackhammered his Italian sausage in and out of me. I felt him bend over my back and start biting the back of my neck, licking the sweat off of me. I started shoving more roughly back into him and told him to make me cum. His right hand went underneath me and started jerking me off, but I slapped it away.

"I mean make me come from the inside." I said.

"How?" He asked, between pants.

"It can be done, just keep doing what you're doing and it'll happen" I assured him as I reached behind us both and grabbed his ass. He raised up on his knees and grabbed me around the waist and pistoned in and out quicker than ever and I started to feel the tingle. The closer I got, I raised up and leaned against his heaving chest and grabbed his hands with mine. He squeezed my fingers and growled "Are you close?" in my ear. "Un huh" I replied, and squeezed his hands tighter. He sped up yet again and in about 3 or 4 pumps I started cumming. It was one of the few full-body orgasms I have ever had and it took a lot to just stay up on my knees. I wrapped his arms around my chest and pushed back onto his cock. As I was shooting everywhere, I heard him say "Holy shit, you really are cumming" and that seemed to spur him on.

When my orgasm had subsided I told him to stop for a minute. He pulled out and I flipped over onto my back, placing my legs on his shoulders.

"Your turn" I said as he shoved back in.

"It ain't gonna take very long man" he said, still panting.

"Fill me up. I wanna feel you blow inside me Leigh. God you got a big cock" I just kept talking dirty to him and I knew when he bent over me and placed his hands over my shoulders that he was getting close. He was biting his bottom lip and his breathing was quick. The more I talked the louder he was saying "yeah yeah oh yeah here it comes man FUCK here - it - COMES" and over the edge he went. He shoved hard down onto my pelvis and rammed all 9 thick inches deep in me and coated my insides with what felt like a humungous load of cum. It must have been because he was slowly pumping in and out as he shot and I could feel him running out of me.

His breath was hot on my neck and he was breathing so hard I thought he was gonna have a heart attack. I ran my hands up his sides, around his arms, and up the side of his head and through his hair. I ran my nails lightly down his back to his ass and held him there, his body still spasming mildly. I turned my head and kissed his neck and told him to stay in me. He grunted a low "un huh" and I felt his lips on my shoulder, kissing me back.

At some point we separated, and I awoke hours later, Leigh still sound asleep beside me. I snuck out of bed and went out to the living room to have a cigarette. I laughed to myself when I walked in; the place was trashed. As many times as Brad and I have had crazy sex like that the living room has never looked quite this bad.

I went back in the bedroom and crawled back in beside Leigh. I lay there looking at him for a few minutes when he awoke, looking back at me.

"Well that was fun" he said, grinning.

I laughed and said that yes, it was.

"I know you'll keep this quiet, you always have before. Maybe we can do this again sometime?" He asked.

"Uhh, yeah definitely man. Most definitely. Maybe I can convince Brad to have a threesome sometime" I suggested with a smile.

"No, I think we should just keep 'me' between you and me. You and Brad just keep doing whatever it is you're doing and we'll just keep 'us' between us." He said.

"Oh, okay, no problem. I won't even mention it to him." I told him

"Okay, cool." He said, relaxing.

A little while later we got up, showered, and I drove him home. Leigh's girlfriend made us breakfast and asked us about our night of drinking. We laughed and told her about funny things that had happened (minus one major detail) and all was well.

Brad's weekend looks pretty well booked this weekend, so I told Leigh that I would hang out with him Friday night or Saturday. You never know where this may lead, I know I'm looking forward to it!

We'll see...

Holiday Update...

2006-12-22T11:33:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, just thought I'd drop in to let you all know that everything is fine, I'm fine (although extremely busy with Christmas...) and Brad hasn't gone anywhere...yet. Actually, he hasn't really said anything since the night he told me so I'm thinking he was just talking shit and I over-reacted (Who, me??? Nah...) So other than all that stuff, nothing too eventful going on but like I said, Christmas is insane for me, between my family and work so that's why I haven't updated in awhile. I actually have a "good" one about half-typed and saved on my computer at home but it wouldn't make any sense so you'll have to wait.

As for right now, I'm outta work early today for the Holidays (right now, as a matter of fact) and I am going back home where Brad is still sleeping soundly in my bed. I know this because I just called home and a very groggy voice answered saying "I'm sleepin'. Come join me." Bitch left last night for her mom's house a few hours away and won't be home until tomorrow so we plan to take advantage of our alone time. Not that we haven't done some advantage-taking already...

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!

Peace,

"Clark"

The Inevitable

2006-11-29T10:53:00.000-04:00

Well, nothing too interesting has happened since my last post... Brad has been staying at my house pretty much full-time, which has been great, even though Bitch is almost always with him. Mind you, we've had lots of chances to fool around when she's not there, and we have pretty much everywhere: the shower, my bed, his bed, all over the living room, well pretty much all over the whole goddamn house. I'd blog about some of those (because believe me, some of them are definitely blog-worthy) but the purpose of my post today is to say that the moment I've been dreading for months has finally come.

Brad is moving across the country next week.

He decides to tell me this as the two of us are driving home Monday night in freezing rain in my brand new car sans snow tires, so at first I got pissed off that he made me skid out and almost land the car in the ditch, but after I got control again I didn't really know what to say. Honestly I'd like to say I tried to convince him otherwise but I knew that this time he was serious. I barely said a word to him for the rest of the night. My mind was racing, I had tried to prepare myself for it, and I honestly thought I could convince him to wait until spring, when I'm planning on moving out, and even if he is going now, he wants to come back for Christmas (even though I can't see that happening) and worse case scenario we're talking like 2-3 months at most.

But that's TWO OR THREE MONTHS.

I've gotten pretty accustomed to spending pretty much every night with this guy over the past couple of months. Me, who less than 4 years ago was thisclose to asking my girlfriend, who I worshipped, to marry me. But she fucked around so I canned her ass. Then I thought I fell in love with Brad's sister, but boy was I wrong when she got knocked up by a drug dealer. Then out of nowhere, I fuck my best friend. Totally random, drunk sex with a guy I've been friends with since I was 10, and I go and fall in love with him. Then he tells me he loves me back. THEN he tells me he's moving to the other side of the country. Just as we start making some actual progress. And I know he's not moving to escape me, per se, the guy lost his job. The biggest industry here is falling to pieces and all the smaller businesses rely on that so that means there are no jobs here at all, basically. The West is the place to be and that's where I want to be too but just not right now. Christmas is coming and my whole family lives here, and I just can't go now. But man, it's hard to choose when you feel this strongly about someone and they leave.

I was looking forward to spending Christmas with Brad like I did last year. I have gifts for him already bought. I'll probably end up giving them to him before he leaves, or maybe not at all. I dunno yet. He knows that I'm pissed, and I usually spaz out on him which pisses him off, but this time I didn't. I gave him the semi-silent treatment for a couple hours and since then I've let on like it hasn't bothered me. It does, and he knows that too, but I guess on the other hand this might be good for me. Spend some time away from each other. Honestly I'm just saying that. I'll be miserable for awhile and want to see him all the time. For a guy that hates winter, this is really gonna make things even worse...

The upside is, I get to have goodbye sex with him. Goodbye sex is almost as good as breakup sex with a little angry sex mixed in. I'm definitely gonna make sure that he won't soon forget it. I think the handcuffs need to come back out of retirement for this...

Oh and trust me, I'll definitely blog about it.

-Clark-

Three Magic Words

2006-11-05T21:02:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks have been uneventful, all around. I've been busy with work, getting ready for winter, being pissed off that winter is coming, all that good stuff. Brad and Bitch have been staying at my house off and on, which has been good. I've been lonely since my roommates moved out, so even though Bitch has been with Brad almost every time, I wasn't really complaining. I was just kinda hoping that she might have something else to do some night and not be able to come with him.

Friday night, me, Brad and Cuz (Brad's cousin) went out to the bars. Some asshole that used to live next door to Brad was there, and he has a permanent chip on his shoulder towards Brad. For some reason they ended up out in the parking lot so me and Cuz bolted out the door to play backup. After a few minutes though, the situation was diffused and everyone went back inside.

Somewhere along the line somebody had some energy pills. I had heard of them; quite a few people had taken them but I've never tried them. Long story short, I took one and then found out about 45 minutes later that I was only supposed to take about a quarter of the pill. I was in for a long weekend...

After we dropped Cuz off, we headed back up towards my house. On the way, I told Brad what I had done, and he asked me what the pills looked like. I took the other one out of my pocket and when I held it up for him to look at, he grabbed it and threw it down his throat. I started laughing (because seriously, I was gonna be awake for the next40 hours or so, so I might as well have some company) and then I told him about NOT taking an entire pill. He just kinda looked at me and started laughing, and said "Ah well, whaddya do?"

After we got home, I went inside and build a fire, and for some reason Brad walked around to the passenger side of the car and was rummaging around for something in the dash. It was about 20 minutes later, I realized that he still hadn't come inside the house. I walked out into the kitchen and looked out the door. There was Brad, sound asleep in the car. I laughed and walked outside, opened the door of the car and said "Man, you gotta wake up, it's freezing out here!" Which of course, didn't work, so I picked up his wallet and cell phone off the floor of the car and grabbed his right arm and put it around my neck so I could stand him up. As I started to bend down to lift him up, he pulled me into his chest and mumbled something that sounded like "I love you" but figured that couldn't be it. I pulled back a little bit and said "What?" and when I looked up at him, his eyes were wide open. He pulled me back into him again and said "I love you". My head started spinning and my heart was racing. For a very cloudy minute, I thought maybe it was just a bad buzz but then I looked up at him and said "You do?" He just smiled and nodded, then climbed out of the car. I walked back inside, still in a daze, and sat down on the couch. Brad walked in and laid down beside me, and sometime while I was trying to think of what to say, we both fell asleep.

About an hour later, I awoke to Brad walking towards the bathroom. There was a porn movie playing on TV, and again, I felt completely puzzled. When Brad came back in, he asked what I was watching. I looked at the TV again and realized it was a gay porn. I must have looked like a dumbass just sitting there, looking from Brad, back to the TV, with this dumb look on my face. Then I remembered what he had said, and just as I was about to say something, Brad stood up and started taking off his pants. "Looks like they're having fun..."

I gave my head a shake and said "Yeah, I think we can do better." The next little while is a bit blurry; all I really remember is us tackling each other; clothes being ripped off and thrown, me grabbing his shoulders, wrestling each other down onto the couch, kissing licking touching everywhere, my nails running from his neck down his body, grabbing his ass, pushing his head back down onto the couch as I slid down his body and between his legs. I pushed his legs apart, resting them on my shoulders and took his entire steel-hard cock in my mouth. He let out a loud moan and I felt his huge hands on the back of my shaved head. His legs tightened around my back and I somehow found more room for his dick in my throat. The drugs had kicked in full-force by now and every sensation was heightened to the max. Brad's not usually a moaner but now he was like an animal. His dick was leaking like crazy and he tasted so fucking good I never wanted to stop sucking his cock. I heard him grab the TV remote and the porn started blasting over the surround sound. His legs still wrapped around my back, I reached up with both hands and grabbed his pecs, squeezing them, running my hands up and down his body, grabbing his shoulders, his neck, the sides of his head. He took my thumb in his mouth and sucked on it, biting it. We couldn't get enough to each other.

"You like my fuckin cock in your mouth?" He growled

"Mmm hmm" was my reply, "You like your fuckin cock in my mouth?" I asked back

"Fuck yes. I'm never taking this fuckin dick out of you"

I still had my head completely buried between his thighs, licking his balls on every downstroke. I grabbed his ass again and worked my way into his crack. I barely had one finger into the first knuckle and he gasped, saying "You gotta fuck me now. Fuck me now please. Hard."

I looked up at him, his dick still in my mouth and raised my eyebrows. "NOW" he growled.

"Lube's all gone" I told him, thinking of his low pain tolerance.

He sat bolt upright and grabbed me, pulling me closer. "Shove your cock in my mouth" he said. I pushed him down onto his back again and sat on his chest. He grabbed my dick and started licking the head. His tongue was in fast forward and in no time I was pumping my hips back and forth, holding his head while I fucked his mouth. I spit on my left hand and reached down between his legs. I worked one finger, then two, then three into his tight hole. My back was being clawed; moans were still escaping from Brad, I was getting hotter and hornier by the second. I dropped my head back and looked back down to him. "Now. Let's go." I pulled out and climbed off of him. I jumped down between his legs and threw them up on my shoulders again. I positioned my cockhead at his hole and pushed. He exhaled deeply and said "fuckin hurts. keep fuckin goin" I tried to be easy with him but the combination of the drugs and the sight of him laying on his back, on my couch, with his legs on my shoulders, sweating and panting like a marathon runner wasn't doing much for my self control. I grit my teeth and said "bite something and breathe baby" and I shoved into him. This look of pure pain washed over his face for a second, but when I gyrated my hips just a little bit his eyes rolled back and he went "oooohhhhhhhh yeahhh" so I held still for a little bit to let him get somewhat used to me, and then I grabbed his thighs and started to pump in and out of him. Again we both turned into wild men. He arched his back and grabbed me wherever he could, I was holding myself up over him, his legs around my back, slamming into his ass; my hands on his chest holding myself up.

We were both drenched in sweat and he was biting his bottom lip; in between gasps he reached over quickly to the coffee table and grabbed a bottle of water and took a quick drink from it. As he went to set it back on the table I grabbed it from his hand and started dumping it over my head and down onto him. His eyes were closed and he had that trademark sexy grin on his face.

"You just soaked your couch" he said

"I don't fucking care. I'm fucking you." And I didn't really care either; the couch was already soaked in sweat and a fair amount of lube, water couldn't do anything but good. And, I was fucking Brad. Not much interrupts Brad time.

Honestly, it may seem I'm just getting lazy in writing this, but I can't remember every detail. At one point Brad looked at the clock and said it was 10:30 a.m., we'd been on the go since about 5, I was still power-fucking him. Whatever was in the drugs we took they were doing wonders for staying power. The porn was still playing on TV, the living room was trashed, the smell of sex was unbelievable, our lips were chapped from kissing each other, all over, my bottom lip was cut from jamming it into his teeth too hard, I had claw marks all up my back and my head was spinning. We were in every position possible, the couch wasn't the most comfortable place to have marathon sex but we didn't care. Everything was just so blurry...

Then all of a sudden everything cleared. Brad wrapped his hands around my neck and started breathing harder. His body started jerking and his ass tightened up. He buried his head in the crook of my neck and said "I'm cumming" over and over until I felt the hot splash all over my chest and stomach. I reached between us and squeezed his dick and pumped all the cum out of it. His ass got tighter and tighter and I knew I wouldn't last much longer. Brad was biting hard into my right shoulder and digging his nails into my neck and I wrapped my arms around his torso and jammed him back down onto my cock. I picked him up 3, maybe 4 times and it felt like my entire dick literally exploded inside him. With all my strength I threw him onto his back, me still hooked to him in our embrace and jammed it home one last time. My orgasm felt like it lasted for an hour at least. My head was spinning so bad I thought I was going to pass out.

I could feel Brad's hands running up and down my back, massaging my asscheeks, his lips on my shoulder and neck, my head buried between his and the back of the couch; panting and sweating, incredibly dizzy, my nails still dug into the sides of his ass and his legs still wrapped around my body. I have no idea how long we laid there; when I picked my head up I looked at the clock, 12:38 p.m.

I started to laugh. Brad asked what, smiling, I said "I couldn't think of any better way to spend 8 hours" he just laughed in agreement and I pulled myself off of him. We just sat there for the longest time, catching our breaths, still absently touching each other. It was about 1:30 when Brad finally stood and asked if I'd be joining him in the shower. I said yes and in we went.

As I was washing the soap off of my head, Brad said "I meant it, you know." and I kinda looked at him. "What I said when you got me out of the car, I meant it." I clued in about the whole "I-Love-You" thing and I nodded, smiling. "I love you too" I said and finished rinsing the soap.

"We still have to be careful and just take things one step at a time, and I'm not leaving Bitch... yet... but I was just thinking of when you told me the same thing and how bad I felt about not saying it back even though I wanted to. Know what I mean?" He asked.

"Yeah I do. I know we're not just gonna throw in the towel and leave everything behind, jump in the car and fuck off. Sometimes I wish we could but I know we can't. So yeah, I'm really happy you said it. Finally!" I grinned.

"Good. I'm glad I make you happy. You make me happy too. Actually, you're about the only person that's not on my case all the time. Well, really you ARE the only person who's not on my case. I don't know how you put up with me, I know I can be quite a handful sometimes."

"Yeah you are, but I'm ambitious. I like having something to look out for. You keep me busy but believe me Brad, it's all worth it. You'll never know how much you really mean to me. Seriously." I told him

"Someday I will. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere" He said quietly and then gave me a kiss on the lips.

We finished our shower and went about our usual Saturday, the drugs still keeping us awake. By 11:00 Saturday night, we were both completely zapped. He slept at his house and I passed out on my living room floor in front of the fireplace. I slept there until 10:00 Sunday morning, and when I woke up and looked at my potentially ruined couch, I felt different. I knew I wasn't waiting for something anymore. He'd finally said it.

Baby Steps

2006-10-20T15:13:00.000-03:00

Don't worry, I'm not pregnant. I don't think, LOL. Anyway, since my last post, Brad has been staying at my house more frequently, which is a good thing. The bad thing is, Bitch has been coming along also, so there hasn't exactly been an abundance of mansex at my house lately. I don't mean that there's been none, but just not as much as I'd like.

Last Friday night, after I got home from work wearing Brad's underwear, he was indeed at my house, and Bitch was not. I wasn't in the door 2 seconds when he emerged from the living room wearing nothing but my underwear and a big grin on his face. I threw my jacket on the floor and pulled my shirt over my head. He grabbed my belt and ripped that off and my pants were around my ankles in no time. He pushed me back a little and I started to trip so I grabbed his shoulders. When I'd steadied myself I spun him around and slammed him up against the fridge and pinned his arms over his head. I made a dive for his neck and stepped out of my pants. He moaned when I bit his earlobe and I felt his hands slide inside the waist of my underwear. He grabbed hard onto my asscheeks and said how good it felt. I'm not sure just exactly what felt so good but I didn't give a shit. I pushed my crotch up against his and wrapped my arms around his upper torso. I laid my head in the crook of his neck and kissed his shoulder as he ground his hardening cock into mine. I felt him push my underwear over my ass and let them fall to the floor. He started to slide down the fridge but I grabbed him under the arms and pulled him back up. I pushed him towards "his" bedroom and he grabbed my hand as we walked in.

He crawled on the bed on his hands and knees, and I grabbed his/my boxers and yanked them off his chiselled ass. He lay down on his stomach and I laid down on top of him. He said how sore his shoulders were so I told him to reach in the drawer of my desk, next to the bed. He reached in and grabbed a bottle of this weird massage oil I used to jerk off with, it goes warm for a while then switches to cool and back and forth. He handed me the bottle and laid back down again. I poured a generous amount between his shoulder blades and started working it into his skin. My cock couldn't have been harder and the last thing I wanted to do was waste time with a massage but if that's what he wanted, who was I to say no?

So the harder I rubbed, the more he rotated his ass up into my crotch. He had bent at the waist a little bit and he was driving me crazy so I told him to relax and breathe. I positioned my now-well-oiled cock at his hole and started pushing. I went slower than I ever have before and Brad was pretty much doing Lamaze breathing the whole time. After I got halfway in, I said "Jesus man, it's like we've never done this before." He said "Yeah well it's been awhile, just go slow" so within a few more minutes I was in. I stayed still for now and resumed his massage. After he got back into that he started moving his ass again. The more he moved, the more I moved. He was squeezed as tight as I think he could go and I couldn't do the slow thing anymore. Don't get me wrong, I could fuck his ass for hours but when it comes to the slow movements, I don't do so well. I'm a rough-sweaty type of guy. And the good thing is, so is Brad.

I abruptly stopped massaging his shoulders and grabbed his hips, pulling him up onto his knees. I pulled almost all the way out and plunged quickly back in. He breathed in sharply and said "ohhh yesss, harder" and that was all I needed. I pulled back out and crawled off the bed. I pulled him closer to the edge and grabbed a cheek in each hand, shoving my desperatly-in-need of release dick far up inside of Brad. I had just started a good momentum when he told me to stop. I'm thinking "Jesus, what now?!" so I pulled out and he swung around on the bed. He said "close the door" and I was puzzled until I closed the door and saw the giant mirror that I put up there when I first moved in here. I grinned and Brad said "hurry up and get back to it". I wasted no time again pulling his ass closer and jamming my cock inside of him. It seemed the harder I slammed into him the more he shoved back against me, and soon we were both covered in a fine sheen of sweat. I glanced up in the mirror and saw Brad's bright blue eyes looking back at me from his flushed face. He was (like always) biting his bottom lip and just the sight of me behind him with my hands on his ass was enough to drive me on. You know how sometimes just looking at yourself in a mirror really gets you off? Like not in a conceited way, just it's almost like you're watching someone else, know what I mean? Anyways, just about that time Brad lifted himself up and pulled off me.

"You look like you need to be fucked" he said with that look on his face that could convince me to do just about anything.

"Fuck yes" I said. He pushed me onto my hands and knees and oiled up his cock. He poured some into my crack and rubbed it in, inching a finger in a little further on every stroke. Then I felt 2 fingers inside me and he was rubbing in just the right spot. I threw my head back and clenched down on them. He reached around me with his other hand and started jerking me off and I told him if he kept that up I wasn't gonna last 10 seconds. He immediately stopped and positioned himself behind me. I'd like to say he took the time and care that I took when I fucked him, but he didn't. I guess he figured I was ready, which I pretty much was, but it still hurt like a bitch. I yelled "Stop!" but then said "no, fuck it, keep going, get it over with" so he started pumping in and out, harder and faster everytime. Soon he was plowing away and clawing at my back and when I looked up in the mirror I saw what can only be described as a pure animal behind me. His whole body was flushed bright red and dripping with sweat. His eyes stood out vividly and he had his teeth clenched; one knee down and the other leg up beside me; his massive hands running up and down my back. He bent over me and wrapped his left arm under my left armpit and up around my shoulder. "Hang on" he grunted and started jackhammering me. My whole body was buzzing and I couldn't even hold my head up. I let it drop but continued to hold myself up with my arms. My head was spinning and stars were dancing in my eyes. I was brought back to reality when I felt his teeth biting into my neck, which fueled my vampire fetish. I jammed my ass back as far as I could onto his thick piece of meat and with a gasp I felt him start to explode. His hand barely touched my cock and I started going off too. I shot my load all over his hand and the bed and even when I had finished I swear I could still feel him shooting in my ass. My head was really spinning now and I let my arms collapse. When I fell, Brad slipped out of me. I wanted to roll over and kiss him so bad but my body was shot. He read my mind and crawled up beside me and turned my head towards him. I rolled onto my side and he wrapped an arm up over me and shoved his tongue in my mouth. I sucked it slowly, his hot breath on my face, both of us still about half-panting but not caring. I could have suffocated right there and not cared one bit. We both drifted off to sleep just like that, naked, covered in sweat, arms and legs tangled, just how I like it.

Guess it was worth me stealing Brad's underwear that morning.

Naughty

2006-10-13T15:09:00.000-03:00

I guess I'll start with Wednesday afternoon - that makes everything tie in better.

About 4:30, I'm sitting at work, bored out of my mind, and my cell rings. It's Brad (surprise surprise, huh?) and he asks what time I get done. I tell him in half an hour. He asks what I'm doing afterwards. I say nothing. He says okay, and starts to hang up. I get his attention back and ask why he wants to know. He says no reason, but then asks if I'm hungry. I say yes, I'm starving, so he asks what I want from this restaurant on the way to my house, and for me to pick it up on the way home. I ask if that means he'll be at my house when I get there, and he says yes. So I get the food, head home, and sure enough, his car is in the driveway.

He's almost asleep on the couch when I get inside, so I shake him awake and tell him dinner's here. The house is freezing; I ask why he didn't build a fire. "Too tired," he says. So we eat in almost complete silence; nothing but "Man Of The House" or something playing on the TV. After I finish, I get up to build a fire. As I walk out the door, he asks where I'm going. I tell him I'm "gettin' wood" with a wink and a grin, and he laughs and says "Good, keep goin'." So right then, I figure I'm in like Flynt.

After the fire is going good and the house is warmed up, Brad asks if I want to go shoot some pool. I say sure, and off we go. I had the same feeling as I did last Christmas Eve; that we were doing things together, nothing overly significant, but just together. We got back to my house around 9:30 and I was waiting on his every move. When we pulled in the driveway, I waited to see if he'd turn the car off. Then if he'd come inside. Then he sat down on the couch and turned the TV on. It looked more and more every second that he'd be "sleeping over". Around 10:00 or so, his cell rang. It was Bitch. He ignored it. Every 5 minutes for the next 20, it would ring again, until he finally turned it off. We got talking about Bitch, and how she's been pretty easy to handle lately, and how crazy Skank is, and how Brad has phased her out; or tried to. He said he just wanted sex from her, and she very willingly gave it to him, but then got in her head that something much bigger was going on. I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not, but when Brad first started fucking her early this summer, he raved about her talents. So I've sampled them a few times myself, but backed away when I saw that she was nuttier than squirrel shit. I don't need that right now. Every girlfriend I've ever had has turned out like that, and if I know this before-hand about her, I'm haulin' ass. So anyways, our conversation turns back to Bitch and how Brad just didn't wanna be around her tonight. I brought up the fact that his car was sitting in the driveway in plain view, and Bitch has been known for her drive-by's. So Brad jumps up and goes out and moves his car around behind my house. I figure now he's definitely in for the night, so I just settle back and wait for bedtime.

But apparently, I either waited too long or got a wrong vibe to begin with. About 11:30, I got up to go to the bathroom, and while I was in there I heard Brad walk over by the door, and his keys jingle. So when I walked out, I asked where he was going. He said "home, I'm tired." and I just said "oh", verrry quietly. My voice didn't even sound like me. He didn't seem upset or anything, and when he left, he simply said "see ya later". I mumbled "bye" and shut the door behind him. As I watched him drive out, my throat started to hurt. The pit of my stomach hurt, and my eyes started to sting. Suddenly, as I caught my reflection in the dining room window, I realized that something needed to change. Every time we're together, and he leaves, I feel this way, and it gets worse and worse every time. Now I actually felt sick to my stomach and was on the verge of tears because he didn't stay with me. I remember saying out loud "I can't keep doing this" but then thought, "What choice do I have? The only alternative is cutting him out altogether, and I don't want to do that." So I sucked it up and went to bed, alone.

Thursday morning, I felt better, and chugged away at work. But around 2:30, my mind wandered back to Brad, and all the times he told me he was going home, and ended up somewhere else. This was a dirty trick he pulled on Bitch all the time. Bitch. It was fine if he was doing it to her, but now he was doing it to me too. I think that was what hurt the most. Somehow I knew that he had gone to Skank's house after he left mine. Turns out I was right...

Around 10:00 last night I tried his cell, and Bitch answered. She said they were watching a movie but were talking about coming over to my place when it was over, which it almost was. She said one of them would call back in about 15 minutes, and at just about 10:15 the phone rang. It was her again, and she said they were on their way, for the night if it was alright. I said yeah it was fine, and asked why. She told me Brad's parents told them that they were no longer allowed to sleep in the same bed together at his house and Brad ended up getting in a fight with them. I can see his point kinda, it was okay when they were 16, but now that they're adults it's not cool. I agree it's also not cool that he's 23, makes 40,000 a year and still lives with his parents, too. So anyway they roll in with their bags and whatever, and Brad gets everything set up in the spare bedroom while I show Bitch my new cellphone, on the couch. When Brad comes back out, he's carrying his cell and another one. Bitch said something like "so where did you lose it again?" And he mumbled that he dropped it when he left here last night to go get beer. I'm like "the liquor store was closed when you left here, and I bought beer when I came home" and Brad was furiously winking at me. Bitch was fiddling with my phone and Brad walked into the kitchen. When he came back out, I looked over the back of the couch and he mouthed "I stayed here last night" to me. I just nodded and he sat down. Then Bitch says "So where did you really lose your phone Brad?" And he says "I told you! I dropped it in the driveway in the rain and didn't find it until I came back and that's why it won't work!!" And she replied with "Yeah I heard that, but I also saw you winking like a retard at him. I'm not blind, nor am I stupid. It's not hard to figure out where you were last night" You have to give her credit, not much gets by her. She'd basically figured out what was going on between me and Brad less than 12 hours after it actually happened. None of us has spoken a word about it since, and I have no idea if she still thinks it or not. I imagine to some extent she does, but I highly doubt she knows for sure that all those times she raved about all his techniques, I now know about firsthand too.

By this time, Brad knew he was busted, and that she didn't care, which she never does, and we went on with our evening. The fire had taken off and so had Brad's shirt. I doubt Bitch had any idea that I would have driven a stake through the side of her head to get past her and jump on his tight, still-tanned muscly chest. Of course, I'm not stupid. I knew nothing was going to happen tonight; not with me and Brad anyway. I said I was heading to bed, and Bitch said she needed in the bathroom for a minute. While I undressed in my bedroom, Brad snuck up behind me and reached his arm around my waist and grabbed my brief-clad crotch. "Fuck your ass looks hot in those. You know how a hot ass drives me nuts" he whispered in my ear. I turned my head and whispered "Yeah, if you would have stayed here last night instead of lying to me and sneaking off to fuck psycho-Skank, your NUTS could have been jammed up against this ASS but I guess I wasn't on the list" and pulled away from him. I could hear the shower running in the bathroom so we talked a bit louder now. He was looking at me, blankly. Then he said "Look, I'm sorry. I was on my way home but then I tried to call Bitch back and she wouldn't answer and I got mad. So I ended up at Skank's house."

"Why couldn't you have come back here?" I asked him.
"I dunno... I guess I could tell you were upset when I left and I decided it was better to just go and forget about it than to come back and try to explain it." He replied.
"Explain what Brad? I wish you'd explain something. Whenever we get to talking about this it always turns into a one sided conversation where I say everything and you just nod along. I'd like a reply once in awhile."
"I know, calm down. You know I don't deal with this stuff well." and thats when Bitch came out of the bathroom. She asked what we looked so serious about, and Brad said something to her for an excuse, I wasn't really paying attention. So I just went to sleep, and they went to bed, and when I woke up this morning, I tried to be as quiet as I could.

Halfway through my shower I heard the bathroom door slowly open. I didn't think anything of it since neither one of them don't seem to have a problem sharing a bathroom. Then I heard the shower curtain open behind me and I spun around to a naked Brad stepping in with me.

"What the hell?? You give her the boot last night or what?" I asked him.
"Nah, don't worry, she's out like a light." I just stared at him. He couldn't be serious. His girlfriend was two doors down, and here we were, in the shower together. I told him I wasn't doing anything with her here and I rinsed my hair and got out. He stayed in and when I went to walk out of the bathroom I saw his underwear laying on the floor. I grabbed them and put them on before I pulled my jeans on. Brad didn't emerge until just as I was on my way out the door for work. He had a towel wrapped around him and asked if I'd seen his underwear. I said "yeah" and he asked where. I slapped myself on the ass and grinned. He grinned back and said "Well aren't you naughty." I told him bye and he didn't waste time sticking his tongue down my throat. "That's hot" he said and slapped me on the ass. "I'm gonna think about that all day now." and just before I closed the door he said, quieter, "and tonight I'll do something about it, I promise."

So I have approximately 45 minutes to go until quitting time. I've had a hardon all day in Brad's grey Fruities so he's got a treat coming to him.

Peace

Progress

2006-09-18T15:48:00.000-03:00

(I have finished this post as of October 3rd. So sorry for the unneccessarily long wait)

I have to admit, I was sad when my roommates said they were leaving me. Sure, I was happy for them, they'd found a place of their own and they needed to be a family, without me. I mean, sure, we pretty much all thought of each other as family anyways, but they are a real family. But after the first week of utter loneliness (sp?) I was starting to enjoy being on my own. I could crank the stereo full blast while I got ready for work in the morning; I could walk around naked if I wanted to. I no longer had to be quiet when I stumbled in drunk at 4 a.m. So the more time has gone on, the more I like it. Something else I like is the fact that it's no longer necessary to sneak off to the camp when Brad and I get in that mood. (Well, really I should say when Brad gets in that mood - I'm in it all the time). The best part is, now that we don't have to sneak off anywhere, he seems to be in that mood a lot more. Since my roomies moved out, he's spent the night at least once a week, which was fantastic, but up until last week, I hadn't seen anything yet.

Friday night we went out for awhile and arrived back at my place around 2. Brad hadn't been feeling well all night and when we got back he said he was just going to stay there. I just kinda looked at him as if to say "well, DUH" since he'd been sleeping over periodically for the past month and half as it was. Plus, he knew damn well it thrilled the hell out of me whenever he did stay. So I locked the door; shut the lights off, all the standard get-ready-for-bed stuff while Brad brushed his teeth. I stood beside him brushing mine and by the time I finished he was already in bed completely covered in the blankets. I asked him something while I undressed and he didn't reply. So I laughed and said "Brad, I know you're still awake. Even you can't fall asleep that quick." Still no reply. So I climbed in bed beside him and tickled his neck. He didn't budge. Now I was starting to think he was purposely ignoring me so I grabbed his right nipple and twisted. The fucker still didn't even flinch. So I gave up and turned the lamp off and rolled over. After about five or ten minutes, just as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt him move closer and press himself up against me. His left arm wrapped around my chest and I grabbed his hand with mine and held it. His steady deep breath was hitting my neck, relaxing me even more. We laid like that for about 20 minutes until my arm was cramping and I had to move. So I rolled over to my left side so I was facing him. His arm moved up over my head and he pulled me closer. Our foreheads were touching and his breath never changed. I figured he was just doing what he always does and pretends to be asleep so I have to do all the work to get him going. But alas, my exhaustion overtook me and off to sleep I went.

I awoke at around 7:00 to Brad still laying on his side facing me, still sound asleep. His left leg was thrown over both of mine and his hand was resting right at the waistband of my boxers. I gently moved in closer to him and pushed my hand up against his crotch. He was rock hard. I grinned and started to tell him I knew he was awake but just as I opened my mouth his arm was pushing my head down under the covers. I didn't need to be asked twice so I straddled his legs after he turned onto his back and when he lifted his ass up I ripped his shorts down and off of him. His dick made a very loud smack when it hit his stomach. I grabbed both hips and took him all the way in my mouth and sucked just as hard as I could. Finally, an approving groan escaped him. The faster I went the more he pumped his hips and he had his hands planted firmly on the back of my head. I grabbed his wrists and moved his hands down to his sides, and turned my head up to look at him. Usually he has his eyes screwed shut with his teeth bared but this time his mouth was open and those fucking gorgeous eyes were staring straight down at me. I dug my nails into his hips and he said "I hope you're fuckin' hungry". His breathing picked up and he gripped the sheets as his cum literally exploded in my mouth. I sucked really hard on just the head and just as a yelp came out of Brad I heard the sheet rip. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to ever stop sucking on him; he tastes fucking unbelieveable. But he gets really sensitive really fast so I knew when I had to let it go. He was panting and his forehead was covered in sweat. I threw the blankets off of us and stood up. He grabbed my dick through my shorts and I swatted his hand away. He just looked at me, confused. I told him he had to wait for later. He shrugged and said "Good enough, I'm still fuckin tired. You're the one with blueballs, suit yourself." I grinned and asked if he wanted a smoke. He said he'd have a drag and we shared a cigarette before we both fell back asleep.

Usually I'm not one to sleep the day away but when I awoke again it was 11:45. Brad was once again pushed completely up against me which felt so good but the sun beating on the closed window blind was heating up my bedroom very quickly. Finally it was too much and I had to get up. He awoke as I climbed out over him. We both stumbled out into the living room and stared at the TV until we both woke up. I felt a little down because I thought that our night together was over and now he was gonna take off somewhere. But he didn't.

He asked if I would help him wax his car, and I did. We spent the whole day together; we went to a family gathering at a relatives house just a few minutes from mine and Brad proved very entertaining to my grandmother, who, like everyone else there, just thinks Brad and I are friends and nothing more, but I just looked at him all day like a person who makes me happy and who is really starting to come around to our "relationship" together. We left around 6:00 to go back to my place to get ready to go out, and Brad said he wanted to have a nap for an hour or so. I said alright and he went in the bedroom. I had to wash some clothes so while I did that I cleaned up the house a little bit. After about half an hour, Brad called my name. I went into the bedroom and asked what he wanted. He said he thought I was gonna nap with him. I told him I had to wait for the laundry to finish first but then I'd come in. By the time it was done, Brad had drifted off again. I took my shirt off and climbed in beside him, thinking how a nap sounded like a good idea.

Next thing I know I awake to Brad straddling me; my hands pinned over my head and him kissing my neck. I didn't even have time to react - I just grabbed his shorts and yanked them down again while he did the same to me. I got up on my knees and he slammed into me in a bearhug. We fell back down onto the bed and wrestled each other for the top. I defeated him and shoved down hard on his chest. He reached his left arm over to the bed table and appeared to be searching for something.

"Where is it?" He whispered, breathlessly. I knew he was looking for the lube, which I already had in my hand. In the dark it was hard to tell just how much I squirted into his hand, until he went to grease up his dick and said "Holy shit, dude..." I asked what was wrong and he said "I think you squirted the whole bottle out in my hand!" So I grabbed his hand and did my part but there was still enough left over for 3 more fuck sessions and neither of us knew what to do. So while I was sitting atop Brad, looking around (at nothing, by the way, it was pitch black in the room) wondering what to do with all this lube, Brad starts rubbing it all over me. I in turn start rubbing the excess on my hands all over his chest, stomach and arms. The way we were going at each other you'd think neither of us had gotten off for weeks. I was now grinding my ass into his extremely hard cock, and he reached under me and positioned himself. He slid into me with absolutely no problems whatsoever, which was great because that first five minutes of having to go slow would have killed both of us. So I sat down hard on him; he was just about as deep as he could go. He was meeting me thrust for thrust. I had one hand on his chest and one on his stomach and I was riding him like there was no tomorrow. We were both gasping and moaning. Every now and then Brad would do this sit-up kind of thing and pull his legs back and go almost completely out of me and then fall back so I slammed back down on his pole. I immediately loved this so I told him to keep doing it.

After about 25 minutes he had tired of doing that (which I can't say as I blame him, it would be quite a workout) so I pinned him back down again. Every time he would thrust and hit that magic spot I would dig my nails into him wherever I had them latched on to. He just kept saying "Fuck that hurts - keep doing it" and that was driving me even more. The bed sounded like it was going to collapse, the sheet was ripped even more now, and everything was completely soaked in sweat and lube. Male or female, I don't think I've ever fucked anyone that hard before. At one point I heard him say (or so I thought...) "Slow down you're crushing my pills" so I moved up a little bit and kept slamming down onto him. After about 5 minutes he said "MAN you gotta stop something's wrong!" So I stopped. He actually sounded hurt. I got off and sat beside him and asked what the problem was.

"I think you broke my pelvis" he said.
"What?? Well why didn't you say something?" I asked him.
"I DID!! You just kept going! And it felt so good that I tried to forget about it but then you moved and made it even worse!" He said

I had started to recall what he'd said about his pills, and I started to laugh. He hadn't said "pills", he'd said "pelvis" and I started riding him harder. I told him this, still laughing, and with his still-hard cock in my right hand. I told him I was sorry, but he just kept whining that it hurt. Brad tends to be a big baby when it comes to stuff like that so I pushed down on his hipbone.

"OWWW Jesus man! What the fuck??" He yelled.

I stopped laughing and said "Man, you're really hurt, aren't you?" My stomach was starting to feel sick. How in the hell would we explain this to anyone? But if he was hurt that bad we couldn't just forget about it. I really couldn't see how I would have broken his pelvis; I mean sure, I was riding him pretty hard, but not THAT hard, and Brad and I weigh about the same, I might weigh a few pounds more, but like maybe 5. So I sat there for a few minutes, still absent-mindedly jacking Brad's cock. He was laying perfectly still, and it was still dark in the room. I was trying to think of a way we could explain this to people if he needed to go to the hospital when I heard him gasp and his body jerked. I snapped my head in his direction and started to let go of his cock when he wrapped his hand around mine and said "FUCK I'M CUMMIN'!" and he blew the biggest load I've ever seen all over his chest, stomach, my hand, and it was running down his sides onto the bed. It seemed to last for over a minute and he was panting really hard. I was just sitting there with my mouth open and said "holy shit Brad. That's a lotta cum..." and thats when he swiped his hand across his stomach and grabbed my dick. He jerked me fast and furious using his own cum as lube and it was still warm. When I say it only took a few pumps, I'm serious. Like maybe 6 and I exploded all over him. My head was spinning, and my thoughts came around again to the nap we had discussed before. It was about 8 p.m. by this time, and I asked Brad what time he wanted to get up. He said around 10, so I set my alarm clock and lay down beside him.

I awoke a little before 10 and got up out of bed. I decided that I'd have a shower and wake Brad up when I was done so he could have one too; so I turned the alarm off. I still felt exhausted but I tried to shake it off. I had a nice loooong hot shower, and when I was done was still half-thinking about going back to bed.

So I open the shower curtain to Brad standing there just staring at me. He scared the hell out of me and I instinctivly grabbed the towel to cover myself.

"Oh like I've never seen you naked before." He said. I laughed and told him it was just a reflex. I asked him why he hadn't gotten in with me, but instead stood there staring at the shower curtain like a creep. He said he had just come into the bathroom and was about to get in when I turned the water off. He said he needed a shower either way and asked for a towel. I threw him one and couldn't help but stare as he dropped his boxers and stepped into the shower. I've seen his ass I don't know how many times but it still makes me drool like a Saint Bernard. I kinda got lost in the moment after that and absent-mindedly turned the water on in the sink to brush my teeth. I didn't waste any time in turning it off when I heard Brad yelp and scream "JESUS that's hot" which sent me into a giggle fit. As he showered I got dressed, and sat down on the couch. I thought about cleaning my room up a little bit since it no doubt looked like the set of a porn movie. But then I thought we may be revisiting it after we came home.

Brad got out of the shower and sat on the couch beside me in just his towel. And there he sat for over half an hour. Finally I said "for someone who wanted to go out so bad you're sure dragging your ass now" to which he said that suddenly he didn't feel the best and was doubting whether he should go out or not. He told me to go, since I was all ready anyways. I asked what he was going to do and he said "I'm going right back in to your bed. Don't fall on me when you come home." He had gotten quieter since I said that I was still going out, and more pale. I was halfway out the door when I turned and went back in. I walked quietly into the bedroom and asked if he wanted something for his stomach. He asked for an anti-nauseant so I got him one. When I brought it back to him, I asked if he wanted me to stay. In typical Brad fashion, he says
"I don't care, do what you wanna do." So I sighed and stood up. I made it one step away from the bed and I felt his hand on the back of my jacket. "Just get in" he mumbled. I took off my clothes and climbed in beside him. He said he had the chills and when I felt him he was burning up. I moved over against him to share some body heat and he said it felt better. The anti-nauseant kicked in pretty quickly and soon he was sound asleep on my left shoulder, both hands clutching my arm. I dozed off too in no time and only awoke once when he went to get a glass of water. Again I thought maybe he would just get dressed and leave, but again he came right back to bed. I never let on I was awake, and I could sense he was laying on his side looking at me. Just as I was going to open my eyes I felt him lean in and kiss me really lightly on the cheek. He then laid his head down on the pillow and put an arm around me, pulling me closer. We both fell asleep again and didn't awake until after 10 the next morning.

Again, I thought maybe he'd spook like he does sometimes, but he really didn't. We did a bunch of things around the house that needed done before winter and then I went with him to his house to help him out. We went out to eat afterwards and I could tell he was all good. It seems every time we do something like this he feels better about it.

I didn't see much of him the following week because he worked the long shift, and I was busy with work also (which was why I couldn't get this post finished until now, a week and a half later) and in that time I also (finally) got a new car, which was nothing but a goddamn headache, like when the dealer orders the wrong color, then the right one doesn't show up when it's supposed to, etc. But at least I have it now. They even took my old car on trade-in. HA! If they only knew half of what the poor car was put through in the 3 years I drove it... Ah well

Nothing much has happened since the above all took place, Brad has worked the long shift for the past 2 weeks and he's on it again this week. He stayed at home last Saturday night but we didn't do anything. Well, to the best of my knowledge anyways. I was so drunk I could barely stand up and I don't even remember him taking me home, but when I woke up at 1:30 Sunday afternoon Brad was asleep on the couch. I asked him why he didn't sleep in with me and he said he was scared I was going to puke on him. I told him I didn't remember puking at all, and he said "Exactly, it's just not right that you got that drunk and didn't throw up." I felt a lecture coming on so I quickly reminded him just how many times I had saved his ass from self-destruction when he was equally-or-more drunk that I had been the night before. He promptly shut up and we dropped the whole thing.

We both went to help a buddy of ours pull his dock and boat out of the water for the winter, during which I pulled muscles in my back. So currently I am popping muscle relaxers like Pez, which probably isn't doing my productivity here at work any good, but then again neither is typing my blog either. But then again, my brand new computer is STILL broken, and I am still fighting with the company I bought it from to fix it, which they won't. So anyhow, hopefully something; ANYTHING will happen sooner or later with something. Alright I just re-read the last couple of sentences and decided that I'm too stoned to write anymore today. So there you have it, this post is finally complete, sorry to the readers that have hounded me to get it done. I'm a bad blogger. Anyone who wants to spank me, email your a/s/l to clarkkent383@hotmail.com and I'll be in touch.

Peace out,

"Clark"

I said it.

2006-09-01T10:53:00.000-03:00

Jesus, so last night... What a night. I almost wish it had never happened, in a way. I got a lot of things off my chest though. I'll try to take it easy on the minor details.

I went to a party, which I've been making a habit of the past few Thursdays. It doesn't make for a fun Friday morning, but whatever. Anyways, I ended up doing coke because I got too drunk and didn't want to fall asleep. Brad kept shooting these glances across the room at me. He couldn't have known that I did it, but he seemed to. Anyways, all of a sudden, he was gone, and I didn't really worry about it. About 45 minutes later, my cell rang and it was Bitch. She said Brad had come home but then they got in a fight and he left again. She said he seemed to be in "one of those moods" so I told her I'd find him. Flash forward to 3:00 this morning, I pull into Brad's driveway, his car is back in the yard. I walked in the house and into the living room. He's asleep on the couch. I don't know why, but this feeling just came over me. I shook him awake and he looked a little bewildered that I was there. He sat up and asked what was wrong. I said,

"I have a problem. A big problem."

So he asked what. I told him my cocaine habit was starting to get out of control, which it is. At first he seemed pissed off, either that I was there, or saying this, or because I'd woken him up. Honestly, I was hurt. I'd offered him help when he needed it and now I was asking for his and he was acting like this. I couldn't say anything, so I just sat back on my knees on the floor. I felt tears start to come to my eyes, and I just wanted to get up and leave but I couldn't move. Just about the point when I was starting to get up, Brad changed his tune. He told me I should call the rehab centre he went to, and got up and gave me their number. Then, the talk started.

He asked just how addicted to it I was, and I said not very, like I don't need it everyday or anything, like maybe once a week at a party when I get too drunk, but it's just that I do it so nonchalantly that I don't see what the big deal is over it. It's good that I recognized this before I got in even deeper so maybe I can put a stop to it. So anyways, we talked about that and I told Brad it had all started because I'm so upset with my life and all the things I feel I've screwed up. Our conversation came around to "us" when I said that there was only one thing in my life that made me happy. He wondered for a second, and then asked me if I was happy Tuesday night. I told him yes, that I was. I knew right then that it was time for me to say it. I told him that ever since it had all started I knew it was something good, even if it had to stay a secret, and even if he didn't feel the same way. I told him that I would never jeopardize him by 'outing' him but that I would always keep him inside me. I also told him never to ask me to stop feeling that way. He said he wouldn't. We were sitting outside on the step, and he turned to look at me. I still wasn't sure if he was mad or what, but when I saw his face with a soft expression on it I knew he was okay. We looked at each other in silence for a minute and then I whispered "I love you". As soon as I said it, I followed with "you don't have to say it back, that's not why I'm saying it to you. I just want you to know that." He nodded and put his hand on my arm. "I can't say it back. It wouldn't be fair to you if I did because I don't know if I do. I'm still trying to figure all this out." he said. I nodded; he was right. I was honest when I said that I wasn't saying it to him just so he would say it back. And it wouldn't be fair to me if he said it and didn't mean it.

So I went on to say that that was how I felt and as of right now that was the only thing that gave me any hope for anything, so not to ask me to push it aside. I told him I think about him almost constantly and whenever I get down or anything I think about him and whatever it is we have together. He asked me how I had dealt with that when I figured it all out, and I told him just one day at a time. He said he was still having trouble sometimes with it, and I told him I knew, which I do. You can tell when he's in certain moods around me that he just doesn't want to think about 'that'.

But for now, I guess everything is out on the table. He told me I had to tell my family what was going on with me and the drugs, and he's giving me until Sunday to do so, or he'll tell them. I'm going to call the rehab clinic today and see what they have to say, and hopefully where I'm just a casual user, it will be something easy to fix. As for me and Brad, he said we'd still go on as we have been, because he knew as much as he said he didn't want to do it anymore, that was a lie, and plus he didn't want to take away the only thing that makes me feel good. We hugged for a long time and he kissed my cheek. I didn't want to let him go but I had to. So I went home and went to bed. I was late for work this morning, and still a little buzzed when I finally got there, but still standing on both feet. I feel a lot better that me and Brad are on the same page for once and hopefully what I told him won't ultimately drive him away. The most important thing is that I said it. I meant it. I didn't scream it at him like last time.

This time, it counts.

Seriously good morning!

2006-08-30T09:18:00.000-03:00

So last night started out bad. Brad said he would be at my house right after work so we could have our little chat. Well, 6:00 came and went. So did 7. By 9:00 I tried his cellphone, which went straight to voicemail. It was starting to look more and more like he blew me off, and not in the way I prefer him to. At 10:30, as I sat on the couch going through an old cardboard box of various things I haven't seen since I moved in, my phone rang. It was Brad. He asked what I was doing, so I told him. He said "Okay" and hung up. Puzzled, and a little pissed off, I called him back. I asked if that was all he wanted, he said "Pretty much, be there in 10" and hung up again.

When he got there, the first thing he said was sorry for being late, he had lost track of time. (I know, 4 hours is a lot of time to lose track of, but if you knew Brad at all, it's not at all unusual for him to pull this off) So he sat on the couch and we talked for a few minutes, and then he asked if I was hungry. I said "not really, but I could eat..." so we jumped in my car and went out. We drove around for over an hour and had a really good talk. He said he didn't think I would be happy going out West, but if I wasn't happy with my job and situation here, then I probably should give it a try. He told me that he never once said he wanted to go out West, but that he had to in order to right some wrongs, which is true and I told him I understood. He asked why I always objected to the idea of him going before, and I told him it was because I would miss him so bad. He smiled and said that if we both went, chances are we would both go to work for his cousins' company so we would see each other all the time out there. And that was that. For the rest of the drive we just shot the shit about other things, he wanted to know all about my new car and when I was getting it, if I would sell my house or rent it out, etc. When we got back to my place, he came inside with me, and once there, he removed his shoes and locked the door. He caught me looking at him, and he said "I'm too tired to drive home, probably just crash here again" and I nodded and smiled to myself.

We watched TV for a half an hour or so, and I could see him out of the corner of my eye dozing off now and then. I switched the TV off and stood up. He stood also and said "Bedtime" and headed to my bedroom. Just like last time, when I got in there he was already buried in the blankets, presumably asleep. I undressed and crawled in next to him, accidentally bumping his sprained ankle. He let out a yelp and I felt really bad. He said it was okay and started massaging it. I told him to lay back and I would take care of it. I pulled the blankets back and noticed that he was wearing my underwear from the other night. He grinned and asked if they looked familiar. I said yes and that he could keep them as a reminder of me. I grabbed some Hot Ice from the night stand and started rubbing his swollen ankle. Once it heated up, Brad relaxed a little and the swelling in his ankle went down. However, the more I rubbed, I noticed the swelling in his crotch was increasing. He noticed me looking and said that I should have been a massage therapist. I asked if it felt that good, and he said yes, and that any other massage I've ever given him had had the same effect.

I started rubbing further up his leg, going from his calf (which was knotted pretty bad) to his knee that he has messed up so many times, to his thick solid thigh that makes me drool every time I catch a glimpse of it. He was letting out tiny little moans as I worked my way further toward his crotch. I was inside the leg of his underwear now and rubbing the inside of his thigh, brushing his balls. He was hard as a rock and a wet spot was already showing on the front of his shorts. He scooted his ass a little further down the bed and I seized his hips when he moved. I lifted his ass off the bed and hooked the waist of his shorts around my thumbs. His beautiful cock smacked back against his stomach and I made sure to be very careful when I pulled his shorts down over his ankle. He reached for his cock and I pushed his hand away. I held both of his hands at his sides while I licked the entire length of his dick up, and back down. I took him full into my mouth and started bobbing up and down. He was leaking quite a bit already and it tasted so fucking good. I grabbed his wrists again and put his hands on the back of my head. I pulled off him long enough to say "control me" and took him back in. He was bobbing my head up and down while pumping his hips to meet me. He was gasping already and leaking like crazy so I figured he would go off in no time. But, I must have sucked on him for about 10 minutes before he pulled my head off and said he "needed to fuck me".

I sat up on my knees and he reached in the table and got the lube. When he turned back around he grabbed my underwear and yanked them down. He moved around behind me and immediately crashed into my back, kissing my neck, biting my ears, grinding his cock into my asscrack, rubbing his big hands around me, down my stomach, grabbing my cock and jerking it a few times. With his left hand he started lubing up my ass and I fell back into him some more. I grabbed the lube and squirted a bunch into my right hand. I reached around and grabbed his cock and greased it all up for him. He stopped lubing me up and shoved me down onto my hands and knees. "Oh it's gonna be like that is it?" I asked him, mischieviously. "Yup, that's how we both like it, right?" He replied, and I said yes. He started in a bit quick and it burned like a motherfucker but I gritted my teeth and just told him to take it easy. He slowed some, but not a lot, and before I knew it he was in balls-deep. He let out a loud sigh and I held his hips still for a few minutes. He started moving his hips slowly so I let him go. He picked up the pace quickly and in no time he had me slamming against the headboard. He was on fire for someone who just about half an hour or so ago was falling asleep on the couch. He had both hands on my shoulders and was pulling me back onto his cock. It felt so fucking good all I could do was grip the sheets and moan like a whore. He laid down on my back which feels so good when we're both all sweaty and he reached his right hand under me and started jerking me off again. I was in one of those moods where I think I could have gone all night without cumming, and I was gonna try to make it last as long as I could.

I could feel his breath on the back of my neck; it was so fucking hot. He started grunting in my ear and biting my earlobe. From there he moved down and started sucking hard on my neck. He was driving me crazy. I pushed us both up so we were both high on our knees, Brad still inside me and my head was tilted back on his left shoulder, his tongue still going crazy on my neck. He was jerking me off with both hands now, and he had a generous amount of lube on them so between that and him sucking on my neck and his thick 8 inches jammed up my ass I was in ecstacy.

After about 10 minutes of this, my head was spinning from the feeling of everything. He was making these deep growls in his throat and his hot breath on my neck, bathed in sweat. He had an iron grip on my cock and was paying a lot of attention to the head. Out of nowhere I felt the cum rising and I exploded with a loud "Ohhhhhhh FUCK" and I jammed myself back onto his pole. He kept jerking me and my cum was flying everywhere. I had my head thrown back and he was growling "oh yeah fuckin cum everywhere man shoot that fuckin load all over us both" and that just spurred me on even more. I tightened my ass as much as I could and started riding him for all I was worth. He grabbed me by the shoulders again and started pulling me back onto him as I bounced up and down which made for one rough ending. I turned my head for a second and I saw his face; bright red, covered in sweat, his eyes closed and his tongue half out. At some point he had gained three long scratches across his chest and they were bright red. He looked like a complete animal banging away at me. He was now biting his bottom lip and he started saying "fuck fuck fuck I'm cummin' FUCK... OH FUCK YEAH" and he dug his nails into my hips and slammed his cock home, deep inside me. His explosion felt like he hadn't cum in a month, it was so warm and it felt like there were gallons of it. He kept pumping in and out of me, slower every time, until finally he stopped. I could feel his legs shaking so I pulled us both down onto the bed, me on my stomach, Brad on my back, still inside of me. I felt him kiss my neck again and that's all I remember before falling asleep.

I remember having a dream last night, where this was all a dream. Like, IN the dream, I woke up in my bed, expecting to feel Brad beside me, but when I rolled over he wasn't there. So when I awoke from THAT dream, and could feel his leg thrown across me, one arm under my head, his other arm thrown over me, our chests and stomachs pressed together, and his slow steady warm breath on my cheek, I was all good. I laid there for probably half an hour, just listening to him breathe. I went to kick my foot out from under the blankets and I accidentally hit his ankle again. He jolted awake, and all I could say was "sorry sorry sorry". He grinned and said "don't worry about it". My throat was so dry, so he got out of bed and walked to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of water and a cigarette for each of us.

I had to laugh at myself when I thought of this: I always used to say how our whole "thing" reminded me sooo much of Brokeback Mountain and this was the scene where Jack and Ennis are in bed in the motel, laying on each other, talking, and smoking. This was just exactly what we were doing. We must have laid there for half an hour just talking about whatever. For some reason I thought he might get out of bed, get dressed and go home. But he didn't. He laid back down and said "G'night" I said the same, and laid down beside him. I pressed my body up against him and fell sound asleep until my alarm went off this morning. I reluctantly climbed out of bed, and told Brad to go back to sleep. I showered and got ready for work, and went back in my room. I told him I was leaving and he said "I'll lock 'er up when I leave" so I smiled and told him to stay as long as he wanted. He said bye and rolled back over to sleep again.

So I was once again a happy boy as I set out to work. I didn't care for the fact that I had to LEAVE him and GO to work, but at least I was in a good mood. 12 hours ago I was sitting on the couch pissed off at him because he said he would show up and he didn't, but things with him always seem to go like that. Just when he gets me to the point where I almost give up on him, he comes back and makes everything twice as better as before. Some people would say that's a bad thing, but then again, love is blind.

Crossroad

2006-08-29T15:42:00.000-03:00

So I've been doing some major thinking over the past week or so, you know like "re-evaluating" everything that has happened over the last year or so. Not just Brad, but I mean everything. In the past five years my life has unfolded in a completely different direction than I had planned when I graduated highschool. If I could go back to my 18-year old self, I would say that by the time I'm 23, I will be a married paramedic, most likely with at least one child. I was ready for all of that when I was 18, until it all started to actually happen, and then I couldn't keep ahold of anything. My girlfriend turned into someone that I felt I had never met before, much less didn't like anymore because of that, and when she left, I quit paramedic school, quit my part-time job which very easily could have been turned into a decent full time position at a place I loved to work at. I went through some serious shit for the next 6 months and then took some time off to re-focus. Just when I thought I was back on track, I derailed again, not as bad this time, but on my way back up, both of my parents and my grandfather were all diagnosed with some sort of cancer. My grandfather subsequently died because of that and even now, 2 years later, I still carry an enormous amount of grief and I still haven't had any closure. That, mixed in with all the other chaos has just been building up more and more and I'm at a point now where something has got to change. I can't keep worrying about the things that I've been worrying about.

I have constant headaches, my stomach must be full of ulcers, most nights I don't sleep because I can't stop wondering what if I'd done this or that? I'm the type of person that gets a temporary high out of material things. For as long as I can remember, whenever I would get down on myself, I would buy something. Over the years it has escalated from things like cell phones to a new car to a house. And after the novelty wears off I'm stuck with the "what the hell have I done?" feeling. I deeply regret buying a house, as much as I love it, but it's a financial burden on me with the type of lifestyle I want to have. The small town in which I live is constantly getting smaller as more and more people move West. Businesses have started to close; friends that I used to see every day have gone, and I feel increasingly more alone all the time. Especially whenever Brad talks about going West also.

He hasn't spoken much about this since last Christmas, when we had the big talk about how I didn't want him to go. As selfish as I sounded, he never spoke of it again until about a month ago. He sounded more serious this time, and looking at how he has changed over the past while, I'm starting to think that maybe it would be better for him if he does go. That's why I started looking at my own situation, and how he and I have been moving somewhat forward/sideways, but at least not backwards. I know now after a year that it's not just a crush, and sometimes I still have trouble dealing with being in love with another guy when, just a few years ago, all I wanted from a guy was his cock or ass, nothing more. That, combined with my deteriorating financial situation (resulting from something that I don't even want anymore and could easily sell for a profit), I think it would be wise for me to go West also. I'd make wicked money, it'd be an adventure. I have a lot of friends and family out there, so it wouldn't be like I'm totally isolating myself. In fact, if Brad goes out, most of my best friends would all be within a 3 hour drive. So this afternoon I called him and asked him to come to my house tonight so I could ask him something. He agreed to be there right after work. When he gets there I'm going to ask just how serious he is about going, and if he wants to drive out with me if I decide to go (7 days on the road is a long way by yourself...) but I guess if I was going to go alone I would probably fly. I've always wanted to drive across the country though, I think it'd be so fun.

Anyway, we'll see how things go. I need to stop jumping ahead of myself. I just really needed to bare myself here more than I usually do. Thanks.

~Clark~

My summer (shorthand)

2006-08-21T15:55:00.000-03:00

I know, the title sounds like a paper written by a 5th grader, but hey, it's been a long time, I've had a very busy summer, and I'm just now finding the time to write a post. I'm not going to bother with the low spots, nothing insignificant...

Around the first of July, my roommates announced that they were buying their own house and that they would be out by the end of the month. I'd always dreamed of this moment, wanting to experience life in my new house alone. But the morning after they'd moved out, I was instantly lonely. I missed the kid running around the house screaming, making messes, causing me undue stress. I honestly missed it all more than I'd ever missed anything before. I wanted them to move back in. But, like everyone told me, I would get used to it, and like it. And I have. I did go out and get a puppy though. It's different. When the roomies and the kid lived there, I would get stressed out, but I never was responsible for the kid. If he made a mess, I didn't have to clean it up. With a puppy, it's all on me. When he's barking his ass off at 3 a.m., I have to get up. All he wants to do is play. I don't wanna play at 3 a.m. So that's taking some adjusting. But whatever...

About the second week I was on my own, Brad showed up one night and we went out drinking. We were on our way to an afterparty somewhere and he asked if he could crash at my house. I of course said yes, and the after-party wasn't much of a party, so we left. He drove somewhat quickly to my house, and once we were seated on the couch, he flips the satellite straight to a porno. Inside my head I was saying "thank God... No subtleties (sp) tonight" but usual me, I waited too long to make my move, and suddenly I found myself waking up about an hour later, blank TV screen, and Brad sound asleep beside me on the couch.

"Fuck" I thought, "I'll never ever get him awake now, and even if he does, the chances of anything happening now are slim..." So I started nudging him, shaking him, I even kicked his legs off the coffee table. At one point I thought he was dead... He fell over onto his side on the couch and I thought I saw some sort of a quick grin on his face. I slowly lowered myself over top of him, and just when I was about as close as I could get, he got me first. His eyes snapped open and he jumped up, grabbing my shoulders and flipping me down onto the couch as he got up. It all happened so quick and before I could barely react, I was on my back and he was sitting on my crotch holding me down by the shoulders.

"I'm sneaky..." he said and shoved his tongue down my throat. When he pulled away he said something about us not being together for awhile and he'd had a hardon for 3 days thinking about the weekend. I asked him what made him so sure I was automatically going to give in to him, and he just looked at me, like "Seriously dude... c'mon" which most people would take offense to, but we both knew that was the truth... Especially when he said "Well, you ARE in love with me right? Or at least my cock... Either way I don't mind"

(I'm assuming this was a reference to the 3 or 4 times over the summer we would take off and have these silent short little flings, like we'd drive to the camp, neither of us saying anything, walk in, both go right to bed, I'd give him a blowjob or something and we'd go to sleep, wake up, like nothing happened. It was simple, quick, and satisfying for both)

But I knew when he yanked me off the couch this wasn't gonna be one of those times. We walked into my bedroom and he closed the door. He started taking my shirt off and he opened the door again, and walked out. I asked what he was doing; he said "I keep forgetting you live alone now." and the stereo came on full blast, and Brad walked back in. "We can finally be alone-alone. Let's take advantage of it."

From there on, we both got a little wild again. I shoved him down onto the bed and pushed him onto his back. I yanked my shirt over my head; Brad complimented me on the results of my stepped-up workout routine over the summer (thanks in part to this disgusting seaweed and some-other-crap mixture I drink every morning to improve muscle definition) and I proceeded to rip his shirt off, accidentally actually ripping it in the process, and slid down his legs and pulled his pants, underwear and socks off in one move. I grabbed his wrists and held them at his sides while I took his cock all the way down in one swoop. He arched his back and growled how he loved it when I deepthroat him and he tried to pry his hands away but I held tight. He had his legs bent at the knees and was pumping his hips to meet my mouth. I was sucking really hard on his head for about 5 minutes when he told me rather sharply to stop. I pulled off and looked up at him. He said "Man that was crazy, I was gonna go off." So I grinned and said it was his turn. I got up on my knees on the bed and he got on his and kissed me hard enough that I thought for a minute that he'd split my lip.

My hardon was about to rip out through my jeans and we both started trying to unbuckle my belt. Brad stood up and pulled me off the bed and yanked my pants down. He led me to the shower and, once we were inside he was like a wild man again. He slammed me up against the shower wall, knocking all the shampoo and stuff down. He got on his knees and put both hands on my hipbones, pushing me into the wall, holding me there. He started bobbing up and down on my cock, gagging a little at first but he warmed up quickly. I reached up and pointed the shower head down on us and turned the hot water up more. He moved one hand down to my balls and was pulling down on them, inching his way to my ass. The hot water had loosened everything up pretty good and before I knew it he had one finger all the way inside me. He was still taking me all the way down and he backed off long enough to say that I tasted "fucking wicked". I grabbed his head and pushed him back down onto me. He was doing the tongue thing that I love so much and had started jerking himself off. As soon as I took my hands off his head he pulled off me again and said he was going to fuck me, hard. He stood up and turned me around, pushing me back up against the wall. I have no idea what he used for lube but he slid right in. I groaned as his cock slammed into my prostate; he moaned as I tightened my ass around him. He started slamming away and we went on like that for at least 20 minutes. I was seeing stars. The steam in the shower was so heavy and we were both breathing so hard; I was starting to get light-headed. My hands slipped off the wall once and I almost fell down. I caught myself and turned the shower off. Brad pulled out and said "gotta get the fuck out of here" so he pulled out and stepped out of the shower. He had grabbed a towel and had started drying himself but I jumped out and grabbed him, throwing the towel down. I smashed into him and shoved him up against the bathroom door, every part of me touching every part of him. I backed up a little and opened the door, pushing him out into the hallway. He started going back into my bedroom but I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room. We were both dripping water everywhere but I didn't care. He said we were going to get the couch all wet so I pushed him down onto the coffee table. I specifically bought the biggest table I could find, just in case something like this ever came around. I know I could park my car on it and it would still hold.

He was laying on his back and I laid down on top of him and started kissing and biting his neck and ears. He was out of breath but managed to hiss into my ear that he wanted me to fuck him. I slid off of him onto the floor and spread his legs. I grabbed his hips and slid him closer to the edge of the table and started rimming his ass. We haven't really done this much but whenever I do it to him he seems to like it. This particular night he really liked it and was moving his hips and throwing his head back and moaning like a bitch in heat. As soon as I heard the words "fuck me" I was on my feet and deep inside of him. He winced and his whole body tightened; a pained expression came over his face. I stopped and he opened his eyes, "I'm alright" he said, so I kept going. Slowly at first, but I picked up in no time. He was on his back as I held his legs by the ankles, plowing away at his sexy little ass.

The music was still blaring from the stereo, and with eight surround-sound speakers everywhere in the room, it made for an intense atmosphere. The only light was the amber street light shining in through the window and was bathing everything in a pale orange glow. Brad's tanned skin looked even hotter with a sheen of sweat and water on it, his eyes screwed shut, teeth bared, his muscly legs in the air, right hand on his fat dripping cock and the other hand tugging at his balls. I felt very much alive at that moment. A rush of something, adrenaline likely, came over me. Like the first time I tried coke, it was instant energy, a feeling of power or something. I think all of my blood drained from my head and went straight to my cock. I couldn't think about anything else but fucking Brad right then, on my coffee table, while Crazy Bitch by BuckCherry roared away. I pushed his legs further apart and fell in between them, never breaking our rhythm. I jammed my mouth against his for a quick second and then latched onto his shoulder, almost like I was eating a steak. He yelped but like I said, I either didn't realize or didn't care. He wrapped both arms around my back and was digging his nails into me.

I could feel his cock between us, leaking like a river. I started moving my hips differently so when I thrust in, my stomach would rub his cock. His ass was getting tighter and his tongue left my neck and he grabbed my head again. He wrapped both legs around me and gasped that he was cumming. I just went "un huh" as if to say "Yeah me too" and as soon as he opened his mouth, I was down his throat again as my cock exploded inside him. At the same time I could feel his gigantic load blowing up between us and I completely gave up on supporting myself over him. His nails dug deep into my back and went from the base of my spine to the tops of my shoulder blades. It felt so fucking good, all those sensations at the same time. Brad's tongue was deep in my mouth and I was sucking on it as hard as I suck on his cock. Our hot breath could barely escape the seal our lips made. I had to pull away; I couldn't breathe. I picked my still-spinning head up, Brad let out another moan. His cum completely covered our stomachs. I slowly raised up and pulled myself out of his ass. He whimpered when I did this, which really made me look at him. He's usually the one in control, the "master", so to speak. So when I pulled my cock out of him and he made that sound, like he felt empty, it made me feel good.

I knew whatever kind of a relationship we had or would have in the future wasn't going to be one of those "I'm the woman, he's the man"-type things, we're both too masculine. Plus neither of us has ever said who's the top and who's the bottom. Since day one we've just kinda gone with it, whoever ends up where is fine. He usually fucks me, but that's not how it always has to be. The same with when I suck him off, I just really like the taste of his cock. It's not like he's never blown me before.

So as I stood up and cracked my back, I looked down at Brad still laying there, his eyes half open, legs spread and bent over the edges of the table, his right arm hanging down, his left hand lazily rubbing his cum into his stomach. The street light was shining in through the window casting that cool orange glow across his gleaming sweaty body. His cock now hung limp between his legs. I walked over to the stereo and turned it off. I saw him watch me walk across the room, and when I turned back around he whispered "holy fuck" and closed his eyes again. I grinned and offered him my hand. He grabbed it and I pulled him up. The top of the table was covered in sweat. He grabbed the towel and quickly wiped the table off, then his stomach, then mine. He walked straight into my bedroom and fell face-first on the bed. I brushed my teeth, and when I walked in the bedroom he was already buried under the blankets, fast asleep. I climbed over him and got under the blankets. After I laid there for about 5 minutes, he rolled over and blew softly on my face. I smiled and asked what he wanted.

"Some suga' " he said and leaned in for a good-night kiss. When he backed off, I started to say I loved him but I caught myself. He asked what I was trying to say; I said "nothing".

He raised his head up some and said "Look, you and I both know what you wanna say, so just say it. It's not like you haven't said it before."

"Yeah I know, but I didn't say it before. I shouted it while we were in a fight. I don't think that counts." I replied.

"Hell yeah it counts. It doesn't matter how you say it, it all means the same." He said.

"Yeah Brad I know, but to be honest, I don't wanna say it because I know I'm not gonna hear it back, so what's the point?" I asked.

"How do you know you won't hear it back?" he asked, "You'll never know unless you say it to me first." He said.

"I know. It just doesn't feel right, right now." I told him. He said "okay" in a tone that reassured me that he was thinking I wanted to drop it, and that was fine with him.

I know some of you are thinking I'm retarded for not saying it, but it really didn't feel right. It felt right when he was kissing me but then we had that little conversation and it ruined the moment. So I laid my head down on his right arm and we fell asleep. I'd awake now and then through the night to find his leg draped over me, or his arm around me; his steady breath on my back, it didn't matter. He was there with me, that was all I needed.

The next morning I woke up and looked at the clock. It said it was 11:15. I laid back down and he groaned and half-opened his eyes. I whispered "good mornin'" to him, and he tried to say it back but all that came out was a dry crackly sound. Then he goes "water" and points to his mouth. I laughed and climbed over him and went to the kitchen to grab him a bottle of water. When I got back he pulled me back into bed and we both laid there for an hour, just talking, smoking, drinking water. It was rainy outside, and I honestly could've laid there all weekend.

We got out of bed around noon, and stood in the kitchen in our underwear (him wearing mine, me wearing his) and made breakfast. Afterwards, we showered and agreed that we would take our cars to his house and put them in the barn and fix whatever needed fixing on them. There was honestly nothing better to do on a rainy Saturday, and we were both still tired as hell from the workout the night before.

So that's a nice part of my summer that I like to replay a lot in my head... Sure, other stuff happened, and I'll get around to that. So this should hold you over for now...

Later

Hang in!

2006-08-10T16:17:00.000-03:00

New post coming right up soon!

Sorry for the extended abscence... (sp?) I am just very very active in the summer... Shoulda told you that.

Can't wait...

2006-07-04T23:09:00.000-03:00

Busy busy busy, work work work. This is the busiest time of the year at my job, and I'm going on vacation next week so I've been trying to get the summer intern trained so she can do my job while I'm away - I'll be goddamned if I'm coming back from a 10-day drunk to a stack of work three feet high on my desk... So that's what I've been up to - getting her trained and working later to get the shit done that I didn't get done during the day...

So last weekend went well, I got realllllly drunk, like I said I would, had a nice time. A bunch of friends all gathered at Scott's camp for the weekend, nothing or no one got out of hand, no drama, just a really relaxing, fun weekend. Regrettably, no "fun" stories to tell. Well, that's my own fault I guess...

About 8 Saturday evening Brad passed out in a tent on the lawn at Scott's camp, and we all took turns trying to wake him up, which like I said is hard to do when he's drunk. But on my second trip to the tent he about half-woke up. I grinned and said "get the fuck up, you're missing the party!" And he just reached up and grabbed the crotch of my jeans. I pulled back a little bit and he said "Awe c'mon, it'll be fun, all those people up at the camp and we're right here doin' it."
Reluctantly, I said no, that it was wayyy to risky. So that was that.

After we all went home Sunday, all I felt like doing was laying on the couch. I know I wasn't home 45 minutes when my phone rang. Brad wanted me to come "hang out" but when he said it he sounded kinda weird, like something was wrong. No alarms going off or anything, he just sounded different. As tired as I was though, I drove down to his house.

The only vehicle in the driveway was his car, and when I went inside it wasn't hard to tell he definitely was the only one home. Turns out his parents had decided to camp out for another night, his brother has (finally) moved out, and his youngest sister was gone for the week somewhere. I really expected him to just grab me and haul me up the stairs to his bedroom but he didn't. And really at that time I wasn't complaining. Honestly, we were both so tired from the weekend that neither of us could even think about how much energy it would take to have sex. So I layed down on his couch (THE most comfortable couch in the world) and he sat down on the floor in front of me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said sure. We watched The Hills Have Eyes, a movie I'd seen in theatre but Brad hadn't seen it yet so I watched it again. About halfway through he got us something to drink and when he came back he laid down on the couch with me and pulled my right arm around him. We both just laid there, watching the movie. I had a sudden feeling of nostalgia, how me and the Ex used to lay like this and watch movies all the time, and it occurred to me that aside from sleeping in a bed together, which usually resulted in sex, Brad and I had never done this before. There was nothing really sexual about it, no grinding, rubbing, I didn't even have a hardon. We were just laying there, watching a movie. It was kinda nice.

After the movie ended, we decided to make some supper. I made up some hamburgers and he sliced potatoes and we threw everything on the barbecue. We ate, and helped one another clean up the kitchen. By this time it was around 8 o'clock, and I was thinking about heading home. Brad started walking back into the living room, and asked if I was staying for awhile. I said yeah, I would, and instead of sitting on the couch he started upstairs. He made it about 3 steps up and turned to me,

"Comin'?" He asked me quietly
"yeah" was my reply, and sleepily we both headed upstairs.

When we got to his room I sat down on the edge of his bed and he walked right up to me. He reached down and started pulling my shirt over my head, and after he got it off, I pulled his off. He pushed me onto my back and climbed on top of me. It was so goddamn hot outside, which meant it was 20 degrees hotter on the second floor of his farmhouse, and we were already dead-tired, this heat was making us go in slow motion, almost fighting to stay awake.

Brad let his head rest in the crook of my neck, where he started kissing. It felt good, and I started massaging his back. He moved his face up to mine and kissed me on the lips, before rolling onto his side. He pulled me onto my side so I was facing him and we ended up with our arms around each other. We made out for I don't know how long, and ended up falling asleep. We must have dozed off at the same time because neither of us remembers being awake while the other was asleep. When I awoke, it was dark, and Brad and I were still both laying sideways on his bed. I looked at his clock and it said it was 11:15. I started to get up, and he awoke. I told him I had to go home, but he told me I could stay, since no one else in the house was home. I thought about it for a minute, and decided I would as long as I was up by 7:00 so I could drive home and get ready for work. He said no problem and set the alarm.

I snuck out at around 7:15; Brad never woke up. I called him at 10:30 and there was no answer, and when I went to lunch at 12 my cell rang. It was him, saying that he had just woken up about 10 minutes ago. I told him he was a lucky bastard for not having to drag himself out of bed and had ended up sleeping for about 14 hours.

The rest of the week was pretty boring, Saturday night a few of us went over to a friends house and sat around outside. I had been at Scott's earlier and Bitch called there, and told me to "go find Brad." I asked her why, and she said that when she left his house, he was right behind her, supposedly following her to my house where she was gonna leave her car for the night (why I don't know...) but when she turned left to go to my house, Brad turned right and hadn't been heard from since. I informed her that that wasn't really my problem, that I wasn't his babysitter and if he wanted to go somewhere else that was his choice. About an hour later Brad pulls into Scott's house and we all went over to another friends' house (as mentioned before).

When it came time to leave there, I decided that I had too much to drink to drive home, and Bitch was there anyway, so Brad suggested I sleep at his place. And then he winked. I just shook my head as we walked in the door, because his parents and youngest sister were all home. He was persistant until I finally fell asleep (in his brothers bed).

I awoke the next morning to Brad and his father in a shouting match about something or other, this is nothing unusual. I waited until I heard his dad leave and I got out of bed, we had breakfast, and went about our days. Brad had a family thing to go to Sunday afternoon, and I was still sooo tired, I just went home and slept all day.

That brings us up to this week. Like I said, this is the busiest time of year for me at work, so I've been killing myself, and I can't wait until 5:00 p.m. Friday. As busy as I am, the week honestly could not be going any slower. Hell, it's even taken me three days to write this post, and it's not even that long! The date says July 4th, but it's 2 p.m. on the 6th now and I'm just gonna stop writing now and post.

Hopefully I'll have some time next week to write something.

Later!

Follow-Up

2006-06-23T11:12:00.000-03:00

Text message on my cell when I woke up this morning:

"Can we go back in time? Sorry btw"

From: Brad-Cell
@ 2:24 a.m.

--> So I've cooled off since the shitstorm that was Wednesday morning, but still haven't spoken to Brad. Four of our mutual friends have mentioned that he's been asking everybody about me, what I'm up to, where am I, etc. Dumbass, I'm HOME, where I usually am, getting things done that I never could find time for when I was chasing YOU around. But now that he's asking about me and the text message, I think I can safely assume that he's not pissed off. We're gonna be in the same place all weekend, so I guess I'll find out.

Man I'm gonna be sooo wrecked for the next two days... I'll have a drink for all y'all!

A good run, while it lasted...

2006-06-22T10:35:00.000-03:00

Well, as usual, a lot has happened since my last post. One major point, I suppose, is that Brad and Bitch broke up, for good this time. They're the type of couple that don't realize that couples fight and get over it. They always thought everytime they had a fight, that they had broken up. But this time, they actually, for-the-first-time-in-5-years, broke up.

Last Friday night, we were at a party, and Brad disappeared with a girl he had been "after" for awhile. IMHO, she's not at all hot, but everyone has their preference I guess. For reasons still-unknown, he was being particularly bitchy to me, so finally I had had enough and just walked away from him. It was getting to the point where he would say something nasty for no reason at all; and I know I hadn't done anything because we had gone out the night before, I got too drunk, he drove me home, and that was that until we went to the party Friday night. I remember I wasn't SO drunk that I said or did anything to offend him, it just further confirms my theory that he's bi-polar.

Around midnight, he found me at the party and started accusing me of lying to Drew. (Drew had came to my work Friday afternoon looking for his cooler, I said it was at my house, and that was that) Brad then proceeds to tell me that afterwards, Drew was bitching about me and how I wouldn't stop asking why he wanted it, where he was going, etc. Okay, 1:30 on a Friday afternoon (my busiest work day) I have time to stand around and play 20 Questions? So Brad then says "So you're saying Drew's a liar, then?" and I responded with "Uhh, Brad, he's always been a liar. The guy lies about things that don't even need to be lied about. He's been like that since we were kids" and then Brad glares at me and says "I think YOU'RE the goddamn liar" and starts to walk away. I yelled after him, and all he can come up with is "I don't wanna start a fight..." and walked away. He'd already started one.

I ignored the asshole for the rest of the night, and he finally left with this girl. I know some of you are thinking I pined after him all night because he didn't go home with ME, which is sooo not the case. For some reason, Drew wouldn't stop talking about him, with this sick-worried look on his face. I couldn't give a fuck where he went. It was taking all of my strength not to go out in the driveway and smash Brad's car windows with a baseball bat. I've told him I don't know how many times, I don't get pissed off very often, but when it happens, it's bad. And my best friend calling me a liar gets me pissed off. Somehow though I restrained myself. I made it to bed around 5:30, calm.

Saturday, I still didn't give a shit where Brad was. My buddy Scott was going to his camp for the day to get it ready for the party this weekend (can't wait), so I called his cell and said I would meet him up there in an hour. Wouldn't you fucking know, as I drive up the driveway to Scott's camp, Brad is just getting out of his car. Great. The last person I wanna see in the last place I'd expect to see him, and here he is. He looked like absolute shit, and for the first hour we were there all he could say was how he had finally bagged that girl. I mean like every 5 or 10 minutes, he would bring it up. Just as I was about to tell him to get over it, Scott looks at him and says "YES BRAD, we all know you're a big stud. We all know you cheated on your girlfriend, AGAIN, with ANOTHER skank, because you reek of sex and beer. And BY THE WAY, I wouldn't brag a whole lot about fucking (her) because almost every guy in town has fucked her at least twice, she has a kid to prove it, and she's not even hot. And look at her parents, she's NOT GONNA GET HOTTER"

My mouth was hanging open. I couldn't believe it. Scott never flips out like that. Even Brad couldn't say anything. Long story short for the rest of the day Brad was pretty good. We all calmed down and drank some beers and ended up having to sleep at the camp that night because none of us could drive. Good times.

So by Sunday night, Brad and Bitch had fought and chewed and called it quits, so Brad did what he does best, got drunk to celebrate. I was leaving and told him I'd call him sometime this week. He said "don't bother, I'll probably be missing" I had better things to do with my time, since he was starting to look less hot and more trashy in my eyes, the guy hasn't gone to work in 3 weeks, just bought a car, borrowed the money for it from his drug-dealer brother in law (MEG'S baby-daddy) and has been drunk pretty much ever since. He's either gonna wind up dead in his car, or at the hands of baby daddy, or at the very least, in jail. What a waste. Ah well, I got mine.

Monday night, Scott called and wanted me to come over and watch game 7 of the Stanley Cup. I again had absolutely no desire to be anywhere NEAR Brad, but half an hour into the game he walked through the door. Wow, he wasn't drunk, nor did he have any beer with him. Somewhat impressive. He (again) acted like nothing had happened. We went outside for a cigarette during intermission, and I asked him what his problem had been last Friday night. He looked at me with this confused look on his face and said he remember's almost NOTHING from Friday night. Instead of leaving it at that, I filled him in on every little detail just to make him feel bad. Then he started going on about Drew, and how he had gone back to Bitch and told her everything Brad did Friday night, and THEN TRIED TO PICK HER UP! I just looked at Brad and said "What did I fucking TELL YOU?? You can't trust the guy with anything!" He agreed.

Tuesday night though, apparently he had "forgotten" again and he and Drew were buddy-buddy again. I called his cell phone about 11 Tuesday night, and discovered it had been disconnected. Whatever. I was ready to write him off completely. But, there would still be one small glimmer of off-key hope...

I wake up Wednesday morning to go to work. Come out to the kitchen and get my coffee, light a cigarette, and turn towards the window. There is Brad's bright red car sitting in my driveway. His windows are tinted so I couldn't tell if there was anyone in it or not. I walked outside in my boxers, across the lawn and opened his door. He almost fell out onto the driveway. He half-awoke, looked at me and goes "niiiice. Mornin' sexy" The smell of stale beer has never been more over-powering. It was disgusting. I rolled my eyes at him, and told him I charged for over night parking. He threw his wallet at me, so I grabbed it and his keys (he had almost fallen back asleep by this point) and slammed the door. When I left for work, he was still asleep in his car, with the windows up, and I drove off with his keys and wallet in my console. My house was locked, no spare key, and he had no cell phone. Good luck buddy!

At lunch Wednesday I thought I'd drive home and see how he was making out. When I pulled in the driveway I saw him STILL ASLEEP IN HIS CAR for Chrissakes. Halfway to his car, the thought crossed my mind that maybe he was dead. It was already about 80 degrees outside, and he was sitting in the sun with the windows all up. Eyes closed. Not moving. Wuh-oh...

Just my luck, the fucker was still alive. He awoke for real this time, somewhat sober, and VERY confused as to why he was in his car in my driveway at noon on a Wednesday with no memory since about 5:00 yesterday afternoon. I didn't say a word to him, just threw his keys and wallet on the ground and went inside for lunch.

He came in after a few minutes and started saying something about how he had made a lot of big mistakes recently, I agreed, and said it was gonna take a lot more than his puppy dog eyes to make up for it. He told me he just "really liked this girl for a long time and thought he wanted to be with her" and I shot back with "well, if you're happy, that's good. Fuck how everyone else feels. I hope she's worth losing me, Bitch, your parents, your sister, neice, Scott, your JOB, your CAR, which is gonna result in your LIFE is you don't start paying (him) soon. You have to realize that you are 23 years old. Everyone else your age has GROWN UP. You are more of a child now than you were at 16. It's pathetic. And you passing out in my driveway until noon on a weekday shows you can't even take care of yourself, so how the hell do you expect to take care of your new whore and her kid?" My voice had gotten louder the longer I went on and by the time I finished I was MAD. I figured he'd have something to say about me calling her a whore but he just sat there with a stunned look on his face. Then the tears appeared in his eyes and I walked to the door. I was putting my shoes on and he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me up.

"I want you to tell me everything right now. Everything." He said.

"You wanna know everything? Fine. I'll tell you everything. Last summer changed me. You fucking changed me. You turned me into somebody I never wanted to be but now that I am I like it, and for the past year it's been somebody I wanna be forever but with nobody else but you. I know last July was a drunk thing and you said it wouldn't happen again, but it has happened again Brad. Over and over and over. And everytime it happens this gets worse and worse for me. I fucking fell in LOVE with you. I hated myself for that for the longest time but I accepted it. BUT, I love the Brad that I sneak off to the camp with. The Brad I spent Christmas Eve with, the Brad that talks really low and is half-shy when we're alone and the Brad that doesn't act like a dickhead. I don't even LIKE the Brad that calls me a liar when you know goddamn well that you are the ONLY person IN THE WORLD that I have never ever lied to. EVER. Nobody knows more about me than you do but if you feel you need to call me a liar then be my guest. You think you have it so hard. I'm a bisexual who wanted to be straight until you told me you were bisexual too. Well you can't keep fucking me and letting me fuck you and you definitely can't keep kissing me the way you do and then tell me that 'it's just sex' because that's a load of bullshit. And don't think I'm asking you now to choose which road you wanna take in life because I'm not. I knew for the longest time which way I wanted to go - far away from this hell hole, with you. But the way you've been acting lately I'm glad it hasn't happened yet. You are very quickly becoming somebody I don't even want to be AROUND, let alone be WITH, and that might hurt you but it hurts me too. You are the only person I trust anymore. I tried to help you last winter when you were in Rehab. I helped you when you wanted to kill yourself. I've given you I don't know how much money and I don't expect any of it back. Anything I've ever given or done for you has been a gift, not a loan, and it was all a big thank you for being there for me when I needed you. And you're ruining it."

I was holding myself together pretty good (for me) and I shut my mouth right there. He hadn't even tried to interrupt me the whole time which is unusual for Brad. He was still staring right at me, but his gaze had softened. After everything I had said to him, he looked at me and said (as I expected he would)

"You love me?"

"Yes." I said, and went back to work without another word.

I haven't heard from him since.

And it doesn't even hurt that bad. Why is that?

Spontaneous Combustion

2006-06-12T19:16:00.000-03:00

I love when stuff like this happens:

It was an over-all shitty weekend. Everyone had gone away to somewhere or another, Brad and Bitch had gone to her mothers' house, and alas I was left all alone in my little hick town. Friday night sucked, I kept a bartender-friend of mine company until closing, then I went home. Saturday, I sat my ass on the couch all day and downloaded new music. By 11:30 Saturday night, I was disgusted that there was literally NOTHING to do. So I gave up and went to bed.

Sunday perked up a little bit, a buddy and I went golfing, which probably to some of you doesn't sound like much, but I like golf, and at that point I was up for anything. But, eventually golf came to an end, and my buddy had to go meet his girlfriend at work. So once again, there I sat. I was actually feeling really depressed that I hadn't done anything all weekend. So around 8:30 last night, I took a drive out to the camp. I was so down, that all I wanted to do was get drunk. Yes, even by myself. I just wanted that numb feeling. There's always some stray liquor laying around the camp, except for last night of course. Then I remembered my uncle's hidden stash of pot in the bedroom, so I went and got that.

As I was on about my second pipe-full, I thought I heard footsteps outside on the porch. Just like 1 or 2, though. It was still daylight and I hadn't heard anybody pull in, so I chalked it up to an animal. About 2 minutes later, the door swings open, scaring the shit out of me, and standing there is... Brad.

I said "You fuckin' scared the SHIT out of me!!! How'd you sneak in here so quiet?" He just grinned and said he was "just sneaky" and sat down.

"How'd you know I was out here?" I asked him.

"I saw you drive by Drew's house while I was in there, and drove out around (Bitch)'s house, and then around by the gate, saw the gate open, couldn't figure out who else would be out here at 9:00 on a Sunday night but you, so I drove out." He explained.

I offered him a hit off the pipe, which he took, which excited me, because Brad is fun when he's stoned. He doesn't do it very often, which makes it even better when he does. It's occasional. Then we started a search for liquor again. Finally I found a half-pint of whiskey, which I eagerly drank almost all of, and Brad called a friend of ours who always has a stocked liquor cabinet and rarely ever drinks. Luckily, she also lives about 5 minutes from the camp. So in Brad's car we get and cruise out to get some booze. (Yes, the whole time I had in the back of my mind that I had to get up at 6:30 the next morning and go to work, but I was trying to shake that off. I hadn't seen Brad all weekend and he was in a verrry good mood)

I'm still not sure if it was the pot or the booze that tipped him over the edge. As we sat at the table talking, his head started to bob a little. He handed me a cigarette to light, and as I handed it back to him I said "you just wanted me to wrap my lips around it" meaning the cigarette. He grinned, and said "Maybe" as he tugged at the crotch of his jeans.

About half an hour later, though, something got the better of him and he staggered over and fell on the bed. "night night" he mumbled, and I finished my drink and smoke, turned out the lights, and climbed in bed beside him. I set the alarm on my cell phone for 3:00 a.m., still intent on going to work in the morning. (What was I thinking...)

I couldn't have been in bed any longer than half an hour, but had just started to drift off to sleep, my right arm wrapped around Brad's side, when suddenly he jumps, enough to wake me up, and I pick my head up to see him struggling to get his pants off. I'm puzzled, because this has all come from nowhere. I go "what's wrong?" and he flips over to face me, pushes me onto my back, and starts ripping at my shorts. He yanks them off, along with his pants at the same time, grabs my shirt and lifts it up over my head, breathing hard the whole time, but not saying a word. When he's finally got us both naked he rolls over on top of me and starts going at me like a madman. My hands pinned over my head, he kissing all over my neck and shoulders, grinding his hips into me, just completely in the heat-of-the-moment type thing. We rolled around a few times, and we ended up both on our sides, facing each other. We were both just grabbing at anything we could get our hands on, and I started to finger his ass. Although, my finger wouldn't go in. It took me a few seconds to realize he had a buttplug in. He grinned as he sensed I figured it out, and reached down and pulled it out. He jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom and returned with a container of vaseline. Neither of us had still spoken a word to each other, but being caught by surprise like this had me fuckin' pumped. I could have fucked a piece of plate steel at that point I think.

As he lubed up my cock, I was jamming as much vaseline as I could into his ass, which had loosened up considerably with the buttplug. He flipped over onto his stomach and I spread his legs. (Just to give everyone more perspective, if at anytime we seemed more like 2 gay cowboys, this was it. There was nothing sweet and tender about any part of last night. It was totally uncontrolled spontaneous animal sex. I mean every aspect of it. I thought I gave him a concussion at one point, and I have a bruise on the top of my head from banging it off the wall)

So anyways, I jam half my cock into him right away. He winced and groaned and said "STOP" but then he exhaled and said "don't fuckin' listen to me just keep going". So I jammed the rest in and you could tell he was in pain. Both hands were damn near ripping the sheets and he was biting the pillow. I started pumping in and out, increasingly faster, and had a good even pace going for about 5 minutes. "Pull out" he said, so I did.

I asked if something was wrong, he said "no, flip over. My turn." He fingered me for maybe a minute, then proceeded to jam himself into me, much like I had to him. I winced also, at least he had a buttplug in his ass for god knows how long, I had nothing! It gets hazy here for a few minutes, but then I remember him slamming away all of a sudden. It felt so goddamn good I don't even know if I was making noise or not. He was laying on my back, his stubble scratching my left shoulder, his arms around my hips, pulling me up to meet him. I started bucking my ass back into him, and he raised up really quick into a doggy-style position. I stuck my ass up more for him and he grabbed onto my hips again. It was nothing but BANG BANG BANG for a good 10 minutes. We were both moaning and swearing and sweating, this is when my head was banging up against the wall. I didn't give a fuck. I just kept slamming my ass back onto his cock, he would pull completely out and slam it back into me. He laid down across my back again, me still on my hands and knees, and he wrapped his left arm underneath my left armpit, and back up around my shoulder. Like this he proceeded to pull my whole body back into him for another 15 or 20 minutes. He was jerking my cock off with his right hand and I had to slap it away because I would have came any minute. He started to slow down some and I turned my head to the left where his was resting on my shoulder.

"Don't. Stop. Fucking. Me." I growled, and stuck my tongue in his mouth. He growled back and started to slam away at me again. He was pulling my hair, jerking me off again, I could feel his nuts slapping against mine everytime he thrusted in, I could feel his sweat dripping like water off of him and onto my back, he was groaning everytime he'd bottom out, I was just moaning uncontrollably. He laid down on me again and I reached back and mistakenly scratched the hell out of his whole left side of his torso, but once again I didn't care. He didn't either. I was squeezing my legs closed around his, bucking back into him, moaning like a whore, feeling his whole body cover mine, his thick 8 inch cocked jammed as far as it would go in my ass, his huge hand wrapped around my dick, pumping away, matching every jerk to every thrust he made in to me.

"I'm gonna blow in like 2 minutes man" he growled in my ear.
"You're gonna fuckin blow in my mouth" I growled back.

He yanked himself out and I flipped over onto my back. He climbed up so he was sitting on my chest and I told him to jerk off for me. I stuck my tongue out so it was just touching the tip, and he started to buck his hips. I slid my right hand under him and jammed my middle finger up his ass. He moaned and threw his head back, and grabbed my cock with his free hand. I pulled him up more so I had about half his cock in my mouth, and I could tell it was go time when he sucked in air really quick. His ass tightened and his teeth clenched. All he managed to say was a strained "nowwww" and his load let loose the same time mine did, all over his back. He filled my mouth completely. I do this thing where I count the shots to see how many they get, and by 8 my mouth was full. I just kept sucking, Brad kept bucking his hips, my finger still up his ass, him still jerking me off. I was swallowing every drop I could get of him. This guy is 100% stud, seriously. There is nothing bad about him. His cum even tastes fucking awesome.

After about 5 minutes, we were still in the same positions, Brad had pulled out of my mouth because he'd gone sensitive, and he laid down first on top of me, giving me a big sloppy kiss, then rolling over onto his back, still panting (as was I), wiping the sweat off his forehead. He asked what time it was, I looked out the window, the sun had started to come up, so I figured it was about 5 a.m.

"You really think you're going to work?" He asked me.
"I should, but I don't think I will." I replied.
"I'm not. You're not either. The gate's locked, nobody has any idea we're out here, just fuckin' sleep all day." He said in my ear.
"Sounds good" I mumbled and he rolled over onto his stomach and wrapped hisleft arm around me, grinding his now-soft cock into my hip. I must have fallen asleep right away too. I woke up around 8, called in sick to work, gave Brad my cell to call his work, and climbed back in bed with him. We laid there until almost noon.

Guilt got the better of me though, so here I sit at work, it's 8:00 at night. I've been here since 5:30, my ass is more sore than it's ever been, and I just finished up some paperwork. I'll be out of here in half an hour. Brad wants me to go help him with something at his house when I'm done here, hopefully it's got nothing to do with sex, I'm totally worn out from last night! By the sounds of his voice, he is too.

Venting

2006-06-09T10:40:00.000-03:00

Bear with me...

I am SOOOOOOO fucking sick of hearing about Brad and Angelina's new baby, Shiloh Nouvel. Whoopee, someone had a baby. I guarantee that wasn't the only kid born in the world that day. Whoever paid $4,000,000 for the first pictures of the kid is a RETARD. Yes, I think it's great that the money is being donated to charity. I actually have to give Brangelina a high-five on all the good things they do (more so Angelina, I think Brad just tags along, because she looks like one hot P.O.A.) and I have no doubt in my mind that they are annoyed to no limits with all the press surrounding them. Their situation happens everyday: She's a woman who knows what she wants. She wanted Brad Pitt. Brad was married. TECHNICALITY! Brad's not married anymore. Jennifer Aniston milked the depressed lonely divorcee thing a little too much, and found a rebound in... ahem, VINCE VAUGHN??? Dude's gotta be hung like an elephant, because he looks like he jumped from a moving vehicle and landed in a huge pile of AGING CELEBRITY. Props to him though, too, because he's one of the few celebrities who doesn't care that he's getting older. And he's bangin' Jennifer ANISTON like a screen door in the wind, which is never a bad thing...

If I pick up ONE MORE MAGAZINE and see "Britney & Kevin on the ROCKS!! Kevin moves out!! Britney Spears = MOM FROM HELL". Like seriously... okay. Number one, someone give me a Hollywood marriage that lasted forever. Plus, Britney is a (semi-former) POP STAR who married her backup dancer. He must be hung like an elephant too because Brit seems like a high-maintenence type. Or did, before she packed on 30 lbs (even before she got pregnant) and LET HERSELF GO. I have (or had, not sure) a poster of her in my room when I was 17. Not because I was a fan of her music, but because she was wearing a BLACK LEATHER whatever that barely covered anything, and thigh-high boots. Blonde hair, and a look in her eyes that could only say "FUCK ME LIKE A JACKHAMMER PLEASE?" I think that was sometime around the "I'm a Slave 4U" phase... *drools nostalgically*
But, she let herself go. She, like Vince Vaughn, doesn't seem to care. She wants to be a mom now. Hey, everybody grows up sometime, right? Her kid fell out of his high-chair. Social Services paid a visit. Hey, SS, guess what? A million kids a day fall out of their high chairs. It was an ACCIDENT. I wonder how many of those people that bitched about Brit being an unfit mother actually HAVE kids, or have at least taken care of one for a day. Babies and toddlers HAVE SMALL BRAINS!! They're brand new, and don't know NOT to do this or that. That's how they learn. My roommates' kid, who is 3 now, and is a little wiser, but when he first learned how to do things himself, he fell down. He hit his head. He bruised himself. He's not damaged. My little cousins' favourite thing to do when he was 2 was BANG HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.
Omigod. Britney tripped and almost fell while holding her son... Uhh, yeah? You can see why. And don't blame it on her pants or shoes. The poor girl was just trying to get to her car, and there were at least 20 paparazzi creating complete chaos all around her. No damn wonder. They make her look so bad saying she's doing this or that wrong, but most of the time, they set her up for it. Yes, I admit, the whole convertible thing wasn't very smart, or the lap-holding in the drivers' seat. But hey, cut her some slack. Nobody's perfect.

I've asked this question before, but WHY THE HELL IS PARIS HILTON FAMOUS? I thought about that the other day. Besides the sex video (which started it all), she has done The Simple Life, but that only came about after the sex video. Ultimately, everything she has done in the last 3 or 4 years has been because of the sex video. Doesn't that kinda classify her as a porn star? ==> (Followup: Yes, I have seen the sex video. I actually have it saved in a folder on my computer. It's not that great, night-vision regardless. I can't believe Rick Soloman didn't backhand her when she answered her cell phone. If I'm fucking a girl, or guy, doesn't matter, and a phone rings, THAT'S WHAT VOICEMAIL IS FOR! Otherwise the girl lays there for the most part like a starfish while Ricky pounds away at her. I think she climbs into a reverse cowgirl once or twice, but only because he tells her to...)

Honest to God, sometimes it would be nice to be a celebrity, from a financial point of view, but I could NOT STAND people following me around all the time and taking private pictures of me, telling lies about me, etc. On the other hand, if I were famous, the tabloids would have a field day with me. I just wouldn't care what people think. Sure, whatever credibility I would have would be shot, but whatever. 15 minutes is all I'm lookin' for. Despite what I do in my life now, however sordid and off-the-beaten-path, when it all comes down, I am a very private person. I like to be alone once in awhile, perfectly quiet, and just relax. I like to know that certain BITCHES aren't going through my things when I'm not home. I would like my life to be the way it used to be, when I wasn't constantly looking over my shoulder. I guess what I'm trying to say is, even in my tiny town, I am somewhat of a celebrity. Of sorts. People talk, they talk to other people, and stories get around. Not ALL stories that go around about me are bad, though. Mostly untrue, and if they were true my life would be 10 times more interesting than it already is, so now I guess I'm immune to most things people say. For the most part, it's good for a laugh, if nothing else.

Thanks for letting me vent. I haven't done that for awhile... Stay tuned next week for what I'm hoping will be another good weekend!

"Clark"

Threesome

2006-06-05T15:19:00.000-03:00

At one point this past weekend, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I party a little too much. It was at the point when I realized I had racked up tabs at 3 different bars the weekend before and didn't remember being at 2 of them. But, apparently I had fun, so that was the main thing, and I shrugged that silly feeling off. "Sowing wild oats" is what I break it all down to. Friday night was fairly uneventful; a few of us sat around the house and just hung out. After everyone left around midnight, I was still wired (and fairly sober) so I took a drive out to the after-hours bar. The place was crowded, which I like, so I stayed until about 3. Some friends from high school were there and I hadn't seen any of them for awhile so we all got caught up. After we smoked a joint everything was all good for the rest of the night. I arrived back home around 3:30 and headed to bed.

I slept until about 10, and had a dull boring day. It was raining so I couldn't even wash my car or work around the yard. By about 4 p.m. I had had enough, so I texted Brad "It's beer time". About 2 seconds later my phone beeps and I see "GODDAMN RIGHT - BE THERE IN 10".

Needless to say, about 12 seconds after Brad's car pulls in my driveway, Bitch pulls in right behind him. Once again, we ended up sitting around for an hour or so and then I suggested we call some people and play poker. 10 of us ended up around the table and for once I was winning. Long story short, it came right down to me and Bitch (who kept saying she was tired and wanted to go home) so she went all in. I had about 70% of the chips, so naturally I called, positive I would beat her. I had a flush, Queen high. I smiled to myself, thinking "I knew I'd beat you one way or another" and flipped my cards. Then she flipped hers... She had a flush, King high. The cunt beat me by one card. I couldn't believe it. But, I was still in the game. However, she would NOT stop bitching about how tired she was so I finally went all in. I had a straight, and I was sure by the way she had been betting that her hand wasn't very good. The girl doesn't know how to bluff, so that's why we always ask her to play poker with us. Anyways, I ended up beating her and she was out the door within 5 minutes. She was practically dragging Brad along behind her, saying something about how he was driving his own car home since he hadn't gotten totally bombed. He jumped in his car and took off, probably trying to get away from her more than go home. Once again, I wasn't tired, and it was only 10:45, so I went in my bedroom to change my clothes and was gonna head to the bars again. Just as I put my hand on my cell, Brad called from his. I picked it up and he asked if I wanted to meet him at the bar for a drink. I said sure, that I was going there anyways. I could hear Bitch running her lips in the background so I just rolled my eyes.

When I got there, she was standing beside him with her hand on her hip, looking pissed. When she saw me she strutted over and said "Look, I'm tired, and I'm goin home. I don't care how drunk you guys get or where you go, just don't leave him alone. After that whole episode Tuesday night, obviously he gets in that mood when he's alone and for whatever reason you seem to be the more responsible one. So, best of luck to you I guess. See ya." I waved my middle finger at her luke-warm attempt at being nice (behind her back) and away she went.

After an hour or so, Brad and I headed to the after-hours place again. Packed again. As soon as we walked in the door, I saw this girl that used to go out with my cousin. She was kinda nutty but really hot, and Brad had hooked up with her last summer and said she gave him the best blowjob he'd ever gotten. She seemed to be in a really good mood, if you know what I mean, and while she and I were outside for a cigarette, she pulls an 8-ball of coke out of her purse.
"You wanna?" she asks.
"Hmmm, maybe. You might have to convince me" I said back to her. She grinned and grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her friends' car. Once inside, she immediately went for my crotch. I was rock hard in record time and as soon as she wrapped her mouth around my cock I knew all the stories I had heard were true. Within about 7 minutes she had me so close to the edge that I was just about to grab her head when she stopped.
"That's enough for now. Want some?" She grinned.
"Yeah, why not..." I replied. She had said "for now" so hopefully that meant the rest would come later. We each did a line and went back in the bar.

Brad and I started a game of pool, and right after we started, he asks "Wanna go for 3 tonight?" I had no idea what he was talking about until he discreetly pointed and himself, me, and her. I clued in and said "yeah, THAT could be fun..." so we finished our game quickly and I asked her if I was gonna "get the rest tonight". She grinned and grabbed her purse and followed us out to Brad's car. Brad drove and she and I sat in the backseat. It only took her a few minutes before she started back on me again, and that plus the coke made it feel that much better. I looked up front at Brad who was looking me right in the eyes through the rearview mirror. He was grabbing his cock through his jeans and enjoying what he was seeing. He looked a little too long once and the car drifted onto the gravel shoulder. She picked her head up and I said "We're gonna switch drivers. I think he needs a break." She said "tell him to come on back" so Brad pulled over. When I stepped out of the car Brad grabbed my dick through my unbuttoned pants and said "Drive to the camp. Fast" I smiled and replied with a smart-ass "No shit" and off we went.

I could tell by his breathing that he was getting close after 10 minutes or so, and that was about the time he lifted her off and said he needed a break and was gonna return the favor to her. I will say that she was definitely a moaner, which was good because as you know, that's what I like. Anyways, before 5 minutes was up we were at the camp, thank God, because my cock was straining against my jeans so bad I was waiting for them to rip. There was definitely no time for playing coy, because we pretty much had our hands all over her all the way inside. I had enough time to flick the fuse panel on as we walked by on the way to the bed. She was pulling Brad's shirt off with one hand while her other one was pulling at my belt. We both stripped to our underwear and started taking her clothes off. She had on really hot looking black underwear and told us to stop before we took those off too. She laid back on the bed and looked up at us.

"I take it you 2 naughty boys have done this type of thing before?" I grinned at the corny-ness of the word 'naughty' but started to answer no to her, when Brad spoke up and said "Not exactly, but pretty much." I glanced over at him, sort of to give him a clue to not say too much.
She must have picked up on that, and said "Ohh, so maybe the rumours are true. You guys fool around?" I had no idea what to say. I'm an excellent liar as long as I'm not put on a spot that big. I also had no idea what was going through Brad's head, but he seemed to be in control so I let him go.

"Not necessarily..." he said to her and she spoke up with "It's no big deal if you do. I've fooled around with other girls before, and I just sucked you both off in the car so I obviously don't have much for inhibitions. Plus, I've never actually watched 2 guys go at it before, in person, and I think it'd be hot."

"We'll see..." said Brad, which pretty much let the cat out of the bag but I was so goddamn horny I didn't give a shit. Plus she was probably telling the truth. I'd known her for a few years and heard of some of the stuff she'd done, and she had never once denied anything, so I thought 'what the hell, what happens happens' and started taking off my underwear. Brad followed suit and we both started kissing her body. Before long she was completely naked and Brad was fingering her and eating her out while she moaned around my cock, which was shoved most of the way down her throat. I was coming close to the edge again and pulled out. She was writhing pretty good and moaning like a banshee and I couldn't help but jerk off. The combination of her hot tight body moving around on the bed that Brad and I had fucked each other so many times on, and seeing him laying face down in her pussy, his arms stretched up her body, his tight ass grinding into the mattress, I was bringing myself to the edge quicker than I wanted. I tapped Brad on the arm and told him to switch. He got up and just the sight of his hardon begging for attention that bad was almost enough for me to grab him right then and there. But then I looked at her on the bed, her mouth practically watering for either of us, and I started to climb down between her legs.
"Ohhh fuck me please. I can't take it anymore" she moaned in a very porn-starish way. The thought crossed my mind that this was pretty cheesy, but who cares? I needed to get off, and obviously she and Brad did too, so I made myself quit thinking about things so much.

Considering all the stories I had heard about her, she was still pretty tight. Of course, she was athletic too, and that never hurts. I had sex with a girl in high school who was on the track team (and who subsequently went on to the Canada Games) and she was damn tight. So anyways, now it was me on my knees with her legs on my shoulders, my cock buried to the hilt in her cunt, and Brad straddling her chest with his dick down her throat. She kept doing (almost) the same thing with her pussy as Brad does with his ass - tightening and relaxing really quickly, and I thought "how perfect is this?" After a few minutes, Brad climbed off and said he was getting close so he was out for a few minutes. She was flat on her back, arms outstretched, grabbing onto the blankets, her head thrown back, long dark hair everywhere, a nice sheen of sweat covering her. Brad stood off to the right of the bed, slowly tugging on his cock. I looked over at him and licked my lips. He nodded towards her and then at me and winked. I shrugged my shoulders, as if to say "whatever, go for it." and he walked around behind me. Initially I thought "whoa, I didn't mean for you to fuck me while I fuck her, that's a little too much a little too soon." but I was wrong. He knelt down behind me and climbed between my legs, face down. He started licking her pussy as I fucked her, and at the same time was licking my shaft and balls. That felt amazing and a moan escaped my lips as she picked her head up and realized what was going on. She let her head fall back onto the bed, her chest heaving, and she moaned "that looks fuckin hot". I leaned up over her, planting my hands beside her head, holding myself over her. This gave me more of a thrust and Brad better access to pretty much whatever he wanted.

After a few minutes, Brad got up and walked back around the bed again. I needed a break so I stopped and pulled out. She lifted herself up on her elbows and said "Okay guys, lets see it."

Brad said "What do ya wanna see?" and glanced over at me.
"Show me what you do when it's just you two" she said, daringly. She had a really sexy look in her eyes, and then I knew she wasn't joking. This wasn't a set up or anything, she really wanted to see us go at each other. I honestly didn't know where to start and I was too busy staring at her laser beam blue eyes, when I feel Brad's hands grab my head and turn it towards him. Before I had time to react his tongue was in my mouth and my whole body went weak. All I remember thinking was "well, secret's out..." but that familiar feeling overpowered everything else. He moved in closer to me, his stiff cock poking me in the stomach. I wrapped one hand around his back and pushed myself in closer to him.

"Holy shit! I didn't think you'd actually do it!" She said. I pulled back, about half-expecting her to jump up, grab her clothes, call us fags, and steal Brad's car. I looked at her, and she had that same look on her face. Then I noticed she had 2 fingers buried in her crotch, and she said "That is fucking hot."

Brad pulled us both down sort of on top of/beside her and everyone just kind of went crazy. Hands everywhere. In the darkness I went to kiss her and pulled back for a breath and when I went back it was Brads mouth I met. I knew when it was her hand on my cock, because Brad's hands are enormous. I had fingers inside her while Brad ground against my side. Suddenly Brad lifted her up and pushed me onto my back. She climbed on top of me, and I pulled her up so she was sitting on my face. I felt Brad's mouth go down around my whole cock. She turned so she could watch him better, and she moved into a 69 position and helped him lick and suck my balls and shaft while I had my tongue jammed as far as I could into her snatch. She was pushing herself back into my face and going absolutely crazy on my cock. I couldn't feel Brad anymore. All I knew was that when he said she gave the best blowjob, it was no lie. I felt her raise up off my face some, and I looked to see Brad lifting her hips. She spun around and sat down fast and hard on my cock, facing me, while Brad fed his cock in to her mouth from behind me.

She was riding me hard and squeezing herself tighter with every thrust, and I knew I had about 2 minutes left. I groaned something about being really close and she just kept riding me. Just about half a second before I went off, Brad let out a yell that he was cumming. He pulled out of her mouth just enough to shoot it all over her face while at the same time I'm blowin the biggest load in a long time deep inside her. I had shot enough in her that it was running out around my dick and Brad's cum was dripping all over me and her both. I felt his knees buckle behind me and he must have collapsed because I felt his hands grab onto my shoulders hard. He giggled and I asked "what?" and he said that she had really given my back a workout, as there were claw marks up and down both shoulder blades, some deep enough that I was bleeding. I grinned, as everyone knows that's the sign of a good fuck. She was still sitting on me, panting. I asked her if she came at all, and she said yes, twice that she could remember. I leaned in to kiss her and she licked some of Brad's cum off her lips and fed it to me. Good ole' familiar taste, and it tasted even better coming from her mouth. We started making out and Brad started kissing the back and sides of my neck. I honestly don't remember much after that, except when I woke up about 5 hours later and we were all laying tangled in a heap on the bed. Someone had thrown the blankets over us, and I shut my eyes to go back to sleep. She was beside me with her ass pushed into my crotch, my legs were tangled in Brad's, and someone's hand was under my head. I didn't care who was who, it was a great night.

---------

When we finally awoke, we all dressed and cleaned up the camp some, and jumped back in Brad's car. When we dropped her off at her house, she leaned back in Brad's door and said "Thanks guys, we'll have to do that again some time." We both smiled and said sure, and drove off. Somehow, somehow, we avoided Bitch all day, and just hung out with Drew. We bragged about our little escapade with "her" and he fessed up that he had fucked her last summer, about 3 hours after Brad had. Neither of them knew about the other, so it was pretty funny when Drew realized that he had Brad's sloppy seconds. He fired back with the same thing about what we had done the night before, but we convinced him that that is a different story.

A few hours later, Brad and I were sitting alone at my house. He kept saying how he had to go home and get some sleep, as he had to work at 6:30 the next morning, but he just kept leaning closer and closer to me on the couch. I didn't wanna say or ask him anything, just in case I was wrong, but finally he just laid down on my lap and closed his eyes. As dumb as it sounds, even though all the signs are there, I have been wrong about these things before, and I just can't ask him if what's going on with him is the same thing that's going on with me. Brad is weird like that. If that wasn't the case, he'd probably get all weirded out and not speak to me for a month or so. Lately though, the less I say and do, the more he comes around without me pushing him. Maybe that's been the problem the whole time, and I just need to let it happen naturally. That's what seems to be working for now, so here's hopin'!

Spring Fever

2006-05-31T13:12:00.000-03:00

I guess I should apoligize for not blogging for almost 3 weeks. It's not that nothing interesting has happened, but I just had to take a step back for awhile and re-focus on some things.

As I said in my last post, everything worked out okay in the end with my dad walking into the camp and finding me and Brad in bed together. Bitch in still being persistant in talking to him (my dad) and finding out what he really saw. She's still convinced that Brad was out there with another girl. This is hilarious because she's too stupid for her own good. She's said for so long that Brad and I are "together" but when she's actually told that he and I were the only two people at the camp that night, she doesn't believe it. As soon as I heard that she was trying to bring my dad into the whole mess, I freaked. I told her no one, especially my dad of all people, wanted drug into the shitstorm that is her life, because no one cares. All she knows how to do is bitch, which she gets honestly because her mother is the dictionary definition of the word, so I guess you can't really hold it against her. She still insists on staying at my house a lot of the time, but that's coming to an end tonight whether she likes it or not.

Brad finally bought a new car last week. Which is good, because the guy hasn't had his own car since he totalled his last one 3 years ago. But last night showed everyone why it's a bad thing too. Like I said, in the winter, he uses his snowmobile to travel around, which can be limited depending on how cold it is out and how far you really want to go. With a car, none of that matters, and when he gets in one of those blind rages, you never know where he might end up. So last night, he and Bitch got in a huuuuge fight in his bedroom, and he flung the dresser over and punched the back out of it. And as Bitch walked out, he put his fist through the door also. She got in her car and left. Where does she come? My house. Why I have no idea. That's how I found all of this out, from her. She kept wondering if he was going to work or not and finally I just said "Call his damn cell phone and ask him if it's driving you that crazy" and she hands ME the phone and says "You do it. I don't wanna talk to him" I said no, because it was none of my business what happened between the two of them, and plus I didn't really have anything else to ask him and I didn't wanna be like "Hi u going to work? Okay bye." because I'd been talking to him earlier that day and he'd already said he had to work that night. So Bitch started dialing his cell and he drove by my house, which is on the way to his work, and it was about the time he would have been going to work so she closed the phone and set it down. "Obviously he's going" she said, and I nodded.

About 20 minutes later, I got in my car to go get some cigarettes and when I pulled into the parking lot, I saw his car there. And his dad's car sitting right beside it. I walked inside and saw Brad at the counter paying for a 12-pack of beer. He turned and smiled when he saw me, and I said "decided to call in sick?" He said yeah, and asked if I wanted to go drink beer with him. Of course I said yes. When we got back outside, his dad cornered him and they got in a shouting match over why he didn't go to work. Brad just said "go home and look at my bedroom. I'm just in a bad mood." So that was that. We drove to the baseball field and watched the rest of the game there, and then headed down to a friends house to watch the hockey game. About 11:30 Brad said he was going home, and since I had to work today, I said I was leaving to go home too. When we got outside, I stood in front of his door and asked where he was going. He said he didn't know, so I said I wasn't moving until he figured it out. He persisted in saying he was gonna drive around for awhile, not smart when he's had enough beer plus he's in a "mood". Finally I got tired of arguing with him so I shook his hand, and said goodbye. He asked why I "said it like that", and I replied with "because the way you're going tonight I might not ever see you again." He gave me the classic eye roll, and I told him "you never know what might happen." He assured me he would be fine, and I said "okay but I'm calling your cell phone at 1:30. If you answer it and let me know where you are, it's cool. If you don't answer, I'm getting back in my car and coming to look for you." He said fine, and off we drove. He turned up the road to his house when we drove by it, and I kept going to my house.

Naturally, when I got home, Bitch was there, crashing on the couch again. She had to know all the details but I was too damn tired, and I had a feeling I would be getting up again in an hour to start a search party. Sure enough, at 1:28, I awake to see Bitch standing over my bed with her cell in her hand. I asked what she was doing, and she said "he's sitting outside in his car." and right when she said that, I heard a car drive away. She walked out and I grabbed my phone. He picked up on the third ring, sounding very chipper. I asked where he was going. "Home" he said. I asked where he was, he described a part of the road thats known for lots of animals at night, along with two very twisty turns. I asked how fast he was going. "90" he said (kilometres an hour, about 55 mph) which wasn't too bad. "I'm crossing the bridge now. Oh, and I'm up to 130 now." (About 82 mph) which is too fast to be driving on that road at 1:30 in the morning. I started to say something and he said "Bye" and hung up. I just laid there in bed, shaking my head when about 5 minutes later Bitch walked back in and handed me her phone. "Listen to that voicemail" she said. It was Brad, who must have left it right when he hung up on me, saying "next time you see me I won't be saying hi and I won't be saying bye. You're not here to stop me tonight" and hung up. I dropped her phone and jumped out of bed and started pulling my jeans on. She said she was coming with me, and I said "the fuck you are bitch, you're the reason he's in this mood tonight." She said "if he tries to kill himself I wanna be there to laugh in his face" which was about the point I felt like putting my fist through her face. "If I can't go with you I'll just take my own car" and started to walk towards the door. I was quicker though, and on my way out I grabbed her keys off the bar and my rommmates car keys off the wall. "You're not fuckin goin anywhere" I said to her as I jumped in my car and drove away.

I drove like a bat out of hell until I got to the bad stretch of road. Then I slowed down and started looking for a red car in the ditch, against a tree, or a hole in the bridge's guardrail. Nothing. I followed the road all the way to his house, where I was more than relieved to see his car parked in the driveway. There was a light on inside, so I killed my headlights and turned in the cul-de-sac. I was gonna just go back home, but part of me was still trying to tell me he wasn't alright yet, for me to go back. But I didn't wanna wake anyone else in the house up, so I drove down the road a ways and left the car there. I started walking back towards his house and my cell rang. It was him. He sounded a lot calmer.
"I'm home." he said
"Good. You're okay?" I asked
"Yeah. I'm cool. Where are you?" He asked
"Just taking a walk."
"Couldn't sleep?" He asked
"Something like that," I replied, "do me a favour? Just talk to me for a few minutes?"
"Sure" he said.

As I walked, he said how he had broken something on his car on the way home and where it sat in the driveway was where it died. He hasn't even made his first payment on it yet, and it was busted already. I told him it sounded like the alternator, that it wasn't his fault, when they go, they just go. You can't really intentionally break one. And his car isn't BRAND new, either. By now I was standing at his front door, debating whether to go in or not. I walked around back and stood in front of the sliding glass door. I oculd see him in the light from the TV but he had no idea that I was even near his house, let alone standing outside like a peeping tom watching him. It was kinda funny. He was drinking a glass of chocolate milk *gag* and a bologna sandwich. How I knew it was bologna, I have no idea, I just did. As we were talking, he took a drink of milk and some of it spilled on his shirt.
"Better put something on that or it'll stain" I said into the phone.
He said, "Yeah I kn--- where the hell are you?" He whispered.
I started giggling and asked if his sandwich tasted good. He grinned and turned towards the door. Into the phone I asked if this door was locked. He said no and I slid it open and walked in.
"heyyy, you finally freaked me out." He grinned.

I sat down beside him on the couch and we talked back and forth about how Bitch is psychotic and about how mad Brad was when she said she was going to bring my dad in on the whole thing and just stuff like that. He suggested we go outside for a cigarette after about 10 minutes. After we finished I told him that I was going home. He told me just to sleep there for the night, where it was so late. I said no, because I had to get up for work anyways, and plus there was nowhere to sleep.
"With me" he said quietly. He had that look in his eyes. "I really need to relieve some pent up frusteration.
"Not in your parents' house." I told him.
"I can be quiet" he bargained.
"If you're gonna be relieving pent up frusteration, I don't wanna be quiet." I said with a laugh.
"Yeah, you're right. Probably should just go to sleep." He started walking back in the house when he turned. He stuck his hand out so I grabbed it and shook it. He pulled me into a hug, a big, tight one. He wrapped both arms around me, and I wrapped mine around him. He pushed me gently up against the wall and pressed his whole body into mine. He buried his head in my shoulder and whispered "thanks for making sure I was okay." I whispered back "no problem" and kissed his cheek. He turned his head and kissed my lips, still hugging me almost too tightly. He pulled back, and said goodnight. Then he stopped and said "why do you worry about me so much?"
"Because I don't have anything else in my life that I care enough about." I could feel it coming. I was gonna say it. But I didn't. I stopped myself. In retrospect I probably should have. If he would have received it in a good way, that was the time. But I didn't. By the look on his face, I think he was about half-expecting me to say it too. He had a twinkle in his eyes. I smiled and started walking down the steps.
He whispered "good night" again, and I whispered it back. I heard him tell his dog something, and a minute later I turn to see the dog following me. She caught up to me and walked past about 3 steps. She led me all the way to my car, sat down beside it until I got in, and when I reached my hand out to pat her head, she licked it twice and started strolling back to the house. This is the smartest dog I have ever seen. She took me all this way (about half a city block) to my car, waited until I was inside, then walked back home.

I fully expected Bitch to be waiting up for me when I got home, but she wasn't. I snuck inside and went to bed and somehow woke up on time and dragged myself into work. So that pretty much brings us up to right now, and I just got a voicemail from Brad asking me about his car. So I'm gonna get back to work; call him back, and I'll try to keep a better timeline of things... Later

My longest weekend/post ever

2006-05-07T16:03:00.000-03:00

Well another eventful weekend is drawing to a close. Naturally, Bitch was in full blown Bitch mode starting Friday night, So Brad wanted to be nowhere near her. Also, she was planning on staying at my house for the night, so I knew if Brad and I were going to hang out, I was gonna have to leave the house.

So we jump in the car and headed down to Cuz's place - he invited a few friends over and we had a campfire down by the water. It was a great time, we all had a little more to drink than we should have, and I got dared to strip and jump in the water. Keep in mind, I live in Eastern Canada, and it's only the first of May, so the water is by no means "swimmable" just yet. But me being me, took the dare and stripped, walked straight into the water up to my knees and dove in, did a few circles and got back out. Everyone was laughing and whatever, no one thought I would actually do it. But I did, and put my clothes back on and the party continued. Then about an hour later, someone said they thought I wouldn't go back in, I told him for $50 I would; a fifty came out and my clothes came off once again. Back in the water I went for a few minutes and got back out again. I got dressed and apparently had no idea just how drunk and/or cold I was, and while warming myself by the fire, realized that my shoe had melted. It was all good, my foot wasn't burned or anything, just a ruined pair of shoes.

We sat around for another hour or so, a group of girls had shown up, and this one girl that Drew used to hook up with started talking to me - a lot. Finally she leans in and says something about how by the looks of what I have between my legs that she could have a LOT more fun with me than she had with Drew. So long story short, we made arrangments to go home together. Brad had also clicked with another girl and was planning on going home with her too. But when I got in the car, I started to feel cold, and when I reached down to turn the heater on, I couldn't move my arm. So then I tried moving other things, and I felt paralyzed. That's a damn scary feeling when physically you feel fine, but you cannot move an inch. Everyone else was standing outside around the cars and I couldn't figure out how I was going to get their attention. So after about 10 minutes went by, I was so scared that I built up all my strength and honked the horn. Brad and my hookup both walked over to my window and stood there waiting for me to roll it down. All I could do was stare out at them, so Brad opened the door and asked what was wrong. I told him I couldn't move my body and that I needed to get warmed up. Brad's brother was there, and he's usually the one with the level head, even when he's drunk, so he insisted that I go to the hospital. Needless to say, I did NOT want to go to the hospital, but I went. Brad carried me into the ER and told the nurse, who kept looking at me like I was retarded, what I had done and that he thought I was hypothermic. My body temp had dropped to 95, but I was warming up pretty quickly so the nurse said there was nothing to worry about. The doctor wanted me to stay for the night but I told him no, there was no way I was spending the night there if "I was fine". Much to his dismay, I discharged myself and walked back outside. Everyone was waiting out there, and I just wanted to go to sleep. The reality of everything had set in and I felt pretty stupid. So the hook up hopped into the drivers seat and Brad climbed in the back. Then the hook up remembered she had to get her purse or something out of her friends' car, so she jumped back out. Brad hadn't stopped talking the whole time about how bad he wanted to fuck the girl he was supposed to take home, and honestly by that point I was just sick of listening to it. So I turned around and said "Look, I'm sorry I ruined your night and I'm really sorry you're not gonna get laid and believe me I wish you would so you'd shut the hell up about it. My little trip by the hospital kind of inconvenienced us all and I'm sure I'll have lots of opportunities to apoligize for it this weekend." and I turned back around - I was definitely heated up now. I fully expected him to start firing back like he usually does but I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to the left and he leaned forward between the seats.
"You mean a lot more to me than a hook up, you know that. And if you need to go to the hospital or anywhere else, I don't care what I have to drop to get you there."

I honestly couldn't say anything. I really didn't expect him to say something like that. And honestly I didn't have a chance to respond because hookup had returned and by now the beer goggles had started to wear off so her being in my car now made not much sense. But we drove to my house and her friend pulled in behind us to pick her up. I asked Brad if he was staying here and he said no, that he was gonna go home. I figured that meant he was either gonna keep trying with his hookup or take mine, so I just said whatever and shut the door. He opened it again and said "you make sure you call me tomorrow" and I said "yup" and shut the door again. I suddenly got really pissed off about everything and couldn't seem to get my jacket off so I just ripped it open. I heard a chuckle and turned and saw my roommate standing there.
"What the hell do you have hospital scrubs on for?" He asked me.
"Long fuckin story man, loooooooong fuckin story." I replied.
"Who was that that just left, Brad?" He asked.
"Yeah. And the girl that Drew used to bang." I mumbled.
"Ohhhhhh. I get it." He said and patted me on the shoulder.

I should have just let it go but I wasn't exactly in that mood so I turned around towards him and said "What the hell does that mean?"
"What do you mean?" He asked, "you know, I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be honest with me."

"Maybe" I said,

"Is something going on between you two? It's okay, and I won't tell anyone, I just want you to be honest." He said.

"Why would you think that?" I asked quietly.

He patted the spot beside him on the couch, and I sat down beside him.

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to and let me assume what I have been, if that makes it any easier." He whispered.

I was feeling a lie coming on again, "It's not like that, we just---"

that's when he cut me off with "have sex?"

My heart skipped about 3 beats and I just stared at him.

"Sorry, you don't have to answer that either." he said, looking down.

I could tell that he was sorry he'd brought the whole thing up and I was sorry I had acted the way I did because it's not like he doesn't know about me, he and I fooled around a few times before and he was actually the first person I came out to. He must have been thinking the same thing, because then he jokingly said, "So is he hung better than me?"

We both started laughing and I sensed the possibility that something could come of this.
"Please, I haven't met anyone hung bigger than you - yet." His smile kinda turned into a friendly stare and he said "Huh?"

(He wears these really thin, loose pyjama pants all the time with no underwear so it's totally easy to see his dick swinging back and forth when he walks.) I glanced down at his crotch and noticed he was getting hard. I suddenly got really brave and said "wanna take a swing by the good ole' times?" and he replied the way he used to, by raising his butt up and pulling his pants down with that blank stare. This dude has a huge dick, and he's only about 5'6", so that fact makes it look even bigger. I reached over and grabbed it, jerking it a few times. He moaned and dropped his head back on the couch.

"Suck me, please" he whispered. So I bent over and got as far as the head into my mouth before I had another reality check. I raised my head back up, and told him I couldn't do it. He started to ask why and then stopped and said "Because of him?" I said "no, because of her." He just nodded and said "yeah, you're probably right" and pulled his pants back up. So that was pretty much that and we both went to our respective beds.

The next day, Saturday, I decided to not make anything out of the way I acted last night, I was gonna get teased enough about the whole swimming and supposed hypothermia. So I got up around 12:30 and showered and headed down to Brad's to wake him up. Like I said I decided not to be bitter about anything and now I actually wanted to know how his night went after they left my house.

It took quite a bit to wake him up, but he finally did and we went down to Cuz's place to see if he needed help cleaning up after last night. We sat around there for awhile and decided to head up to the bar. It was awful; nobody was out, but a small group of us got drunk anyways. Another long story short, Brad and I decided to head to the camp at around 3 a.m. Once again, Brad wiped out walking down the hill and it was it was just as funny this time as it was last time. I didn't find it that cold in there but Brad kept saying he was cold so we tried to build a fire. Every single stick of wood was soaked, so the fire was pretty much a no go. After another 45 minutes or so I suggested we just call it a night. He agreed and climbed into bed. I asked if I could sleep on the outside and he said no, a move that would have made things much less awkward the next morning but hindsight is 20/20, right? So anyways, we got under the blankets, fully clothed, and immediately fell asleep. I woke up about an hour later with Brad's arm wrapped around me and his leg thrown over mine. Goddamn he was so warm, so I pushed into him as close as I could get. I fell right back to sleep and woke up again around 8:30. He was on his back and I found my hand resting on his stomach, just above his pants. I started moving my hand down inside, thinking he was still asleep and was planning on waking him up in a good way. I had just found his cock when I felt his hand raise up and start undoing his belt. I helped him out and pulled his pants down when he raised his ass up. I crawled under the blankets and between his legs. He had started to breathe heavier already, so I wasted no time taking him all the way in. I must have sucked him for a good 25 minutes when I raised my head up and asked if he was getting close at all, because if not, my head was going to fall off. He grinned and said yes, for me to keep doing what I was doing and he'd be there soon. After about another 5 minutes I could feel him squeezing his legs together and I knew it was go time. His hands clamped down on the back of my head and he bucked his hips up.
"I'm fucking cummin' " he growled and let go. He tasted better than ever, and I could tell it had been awhile since he last got off. He laid there catching his breath as I moved back up beside him. I still had my hand wrapped around his cock and was slowly jerking him off. He put his arm back around my shoulders and we had just started drifting back to sleep when I though I heard something. I raised my head up and listened but didn't hear anything else. I had just laid my head back down when I heard footsteps outside on the porch. I looked up just in time to see my dad walk by the window. All I remember saying was "Holy fucking shit my dad! My DAD!" in a whisper and Brad frantically pulling his pants back up. It was all like slow motion though, in that short period of time, I told Brad to fuck it and I hid under the blankets. A move I now realize was retarded, my car was sitting outside, my dad knew I was in here, but had no clue who I was in here with. But he walks in the door and Brad tried to act as natural as he could, given the circumstances. I heard them chat for what seemed like 37 hours but was really like 2 minutes. I was trying to be as invisible as I could, and the door to the other bedroom was shut, so I thought maybe dad thinks I'm sleeping in there. After all, we had a lot of blankets on the bed and you probably really couldn't tell for sure if there was someone else under there, and I hadn't heard dad open the other door before he left, so it seemed like it just might work. After he left, we somehow fell back asleep again, even though my heart was racing and I couldn't believe we pretty much just got caught by my DAD of all people.

I awoke around 12:30 and as usual, got up and staggered around for a few minutes, searching for a cigarette, and sat down on the couch. Brad always slept on his side facing out, and I actually felt kind of creepy sitting there watching him sleep. Either creepy, or really cheesy because that probably only really happens in the movies. As much as I loved the Ex, I sat and watched her sleep once and got really bored after about 5 minutes. Finally he opened his eyes (barely) and grunted "mornin". I told him what time it was and he rolled onto his back and said for me to come back to bed. Any other time, I would have but all I could think about was my dad, and whatever the hell was going through his head. I finally got Brad out of bed and we locked the place up and got in the car. Neither of us said much all the way to his house, until we turned up his road and he said "So what do you think is going through your dads head right now?" I looked at him and said "I dunno, but I'm not gonna be able to look at him for at least a week". We pulled into his driveway and as he climbed out he said (what he usually says) "Don't worry about it". I sighed and said "Brad, you always tell me that, and what do I always do? I worry. You're the calm one, I'm the worrier. You know I'm gonna worry about it." He laughed and said "Yeah I know you are, but I'm not and you really need to teach yourself not to, too." I just nodded and gave him a quick smile, and he smiled back and blew me a quick kiss. We said goodbye and I headed home.

On the way to my house, I had to drive by my parents' house. I debated stopping in and confronting my dad, telling him that what he saw meant nothing, we just passed out and not to worry about anything. By the time I decided I was actually going to do this, I had driven by, so I turned around and went back. As it turns out he wasn't even there, so all my built up courage was wasted and I once again headed towards home.

It was 2 o'clock Sunday afternoon; usually about the time I was coming around and doing something. But I walked in, took a shower, and went to bed. Just before I went to sleep it occurred to be that I hadn't had a chance to get off, and it had been awhile for me too, but all I could think about was my dad walking in and seeing his only son, his only child, in bed with another guy. Of all people I ever imagined getting caught by, he was the last.

By Monday night though, I had built up more courage and went to talk to him. When I told him that what he saw wasn't what he thought, he just grinned and asked me what I thought he saw. I said "Uhh, your son in bed with another dude?" and he laughed! He said not to worry about it, he didn't even see me, and what he saw of Brad was fully clothed, so who cares? Then he said how it wouldn't matter to him even if it was something. I know some of you are thinking what a perfect chance to tell him the truth but not yet. Maybe not ever. I could see if I was gay, then yes, someday I would have to tell him, but I'm strictly bi and someday, regardless of what's going on with me and Brad right now, I know somewhere deep down that it will never actually go as far as I want it to now.

Honestly there's so much more I could write but I feel bad about not having posted for so long, so that's it for now I guess. Stay tuned!

2006-05-04T10:44:00.000-03:00

Hey everyone, I haven't forgotten about you, and I do have some stories from last weekend to tell, along with my "surprise" but the sudden death of a friend has sort of put a clamp on things for a few days, so bear with me, I'll get to it the first chance I get!

Anticipation

2006-04-28T13:12:00.000-03:00

To start things off, I'm slowly making progress with Brad's cousin, whom I shall refer to as Cuz from now on. Last weekends' plans with him were a bust because his ex-girlfriend was in a car accident and he spent most of the weekend at the hospital with her. Turns out she's gonna be okay so by the first of the week when they released her, Cuz wanted to make up for the lost time.

My cell rang late Monday night, it was Cuz asking how the weekend went, and how he wanted to meet up sometime this week so we could "do something" as he put it. I asked what something was, and he replied with "anything, doesn't matter" so I told him to give me a call whenever; I should be around. About 10:30 Tuesday night, I was sitting on the couch, seriously considering going to bed, when my cell rang. It was Cuz, asking if I was gonna be home, which I was, and he said he was gonna come over for a bit. Normally, had it been almost anyone else, I would have taken a raincheck, but I wanted to see where this could possibly go. I had the house to myself for the night, and he was coming over alone, presumably. However, when he got there, he had his alleged ex girlfriend with him. No biggie, I was disappointed that I wouldn't have the chance to try anything on him, but it was okay. I honestly didn't have the energy to "do" anything as it was. I kept catching Cuz staring at me across the table the whole time they were there, and when he was caught, he wouldn't turn away. I wondered what this was all about but couldn't do much about it. So they stayed for an hour or so, and when they got up to leave, the ex walked out the door first. Cuz was standing kinda behind-beside me, and when he said goodbye, he laid his hand on my back, and then slowly let it trail down to just above my ass, and held it there for a few seconds. I looked at him, and again he was staring at me. He's got the most awesome blue eyes I've ever seen, and I'm a sucker for blue eyes, so I of course stared back, wondering what was going through his mind. He smiled and bent to tie his shoes. I stared at his ass the whole time, which was quite possibly the point of him taking so long, and when he stood up my eyes immediately went to his crotch. There was most definitely something there, evidently of an above-average size. I needed it. I wanted it right then. It took a lot of self-control not to shove him back across the bar in the kitchen, rip his shirt off, yank his pants down and suck long and hard on his big fat cock. It was one of those Scrubs moments, where I could totally visualize that happening while the ex stood in the doorway, waiting for Cuz to drive her home. As I realized that I was having a Scrubs moment, I started to giggle. Cuz asked what was so funny, and I passed it off as being over-tired. He smiled again, said goodbye again, and sadly, did not pat my ass again, and walked out the door. Before he got in the car though, he did ask if we could do something Friday night (tonight) and I said yes, that I was free. He had no idea that I meant I wouldn't charge him for sex...

In other sex-related news, I'm happy to report that Mr. Confused himself, Brad, couldn't contain himself yet again this week. Remember how a month or so ago I was so upset because I couldn't even get the guy to return my phone calls? Well, he's called me every night this week, most times "just to talk" which is totally unlike him. Almost every night he's asked if I was coming over to visit, which I have, and it's been cool. Last night, as I was driving to town for cigarettes, my cell rang. He asked what I was up to, I told him, and asked him the same.

"Not much," he said, "Gonna take the four-wheeler for a drive, maybe find some mud. Wanna come?" He asked.

"Hell yes!" I replied; I hadn't been muddin' for a long time. I quickly changed my clothes before driving to Brad's house. When I got there, he was standing beside the bike, wearing a ripped pair of jeans and an old, tight white t-shirt. Naturally, his sexy John Deere hat was perched atop his head, and he had his work boots on. Yum.

"Ready?" He asked as I got out of the car.

"All set," I replied as I took note of him giving me the once-over. I myself didn't look too bad, in a pair of old jeans I used to wear when I was 17 or 18, so therefore they are about a half-size too small and at the risk of sounding like a flaming queen, make my ass look fan-fuckin-tastic. Just a note that my ass is my favorite physical attribute. It's firm, round, and just damn nice. I'd stare at it all the time if I could...

So we both climb on the bike, Brad driving, me sitting behind him. For those who don't know what a "four-wheeler" is, it's the same thing as a Quad; an ATV; offroad bike, whatever. You sit on it like you sit on a motorcycle, except it has four wheels. And Brad's is big and powerful. The seat rumbles while you ride along, so needless to say, as we drove across his farm, me with my legs wrapped up around his, my hands on his hips, and the vibrations from the motor, accompanied by that sexy bitch with his scent blowing back at me, I was pretty horny by the time we got to the pond at the back of the farm. He stopped and climbed off the bike, myself staying on for a few minutes while I lit a cigarette (read: let my hardon subside).

It was soooo nice out there last night. Away from any other distraction, the pond kinda looks like a bowl - there are slight hills all around it, and in the middle is the pond. There's a flat area around it where there is a picnic table and a few benches, and no one ever comes down here, except us, and Brad's family to fish, whatever. After all it was at the very back of their farm, so probably not many people even know it's there. Brad's dad keeps the grass mowed back there so the place almost resembles a park. It was about 8:00 last night and the sun was just dipping below the surrounding hills, making the sky an awesome shade of pinkish-orange. Brad was sitting on top of the picnic table with his feet on the bench below. I walked over and sat between his legs, facing away from him, looking at the pond. We were just chatting back and forth about nothing in particular. I had even eased off on the sexual thoughts. It was nice, just sitting there, the setting sun warming us both even though the air was cool, takin' it easy. I had laid back a bit so my back was supported by the edge of the table, and Brad placed his hands on my shoulders. For a few minutes, he didn't really do anything, just let his hands sit there. Then he said how nice this was; relaxing and peaceful. I lazily "mmm-hmmm" 'd in agreement, and he slowly started rubbing my shoulders, back and neck. I was now even more relaxed, and Brad had pulled his legs in closer to me. I wrapped my arms around his calves as he massaged away, laying my head back on his crotch. His hands worked their way around to the front of my shoulders, and slowly he pulled my chin up towards him. I opened my eyes to see him bending over to kiss me, upside down. He exhaled through his nose, and the air tickled my neck so I jerked a little bit, and he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" He asked me.
"Oh. Nothing," I replied, smiling, "just tickled my neck. I wasn't pulling away or anything."
He smiled back, saying "Oh. I was a little confused there for a minute"

I stood up and turned so I was facing him, still sitting on the table. I stepped up onto the bench and pushed him back as I climbed onto the table also. He was still sitting up and I was straddling his left leg. I kissed him back, running my hands across his shoulders and down his back. I pushed myself in closer to him and felt his hard cock pressing against my knee. He lifted his leg a little so it pushed against my dick, which was once again hard as a rock. He moaned softly and then moved his hands down to rub my cock through my jeans. I reciprocated and started moving my hips when he started rubbing harder. He kept kissing me and then he unbuttoned my pants and slid his hand down into my underwear. He wrapped his fist around my cock and slowly but firmly started jerking me off. I sat back a little bit and tried to undo his jeans, but the way my knee was positioned it would have been really awkward trying to jerk him off. Brad must have realized this too and pushed my hand away, saying "this isn't about me. It's all about you." I half smiled, remembering the night at the camp when I had told him the exact thing.

Generally, I'm really picky about someone else jerking me off. I know that sounds retarded, but when I jerk myself off, I do it the same way pretty much every time. Once in awhile I will vary to a different technique, but I know how I like it best, and what does and doesn't feel good. Normally, no one who has ever jerked me off has been overly successful unless it's when I'm right on the edge of cumming, and then it's pretty much a no-brainer. But I have to say, Brad was doing a pretty damn good job at matching what I like done. I had both hands on Brad's shoulders and I was gripping his shirt the longer he went on. I knew I wasn't going to last too long with the way he was going and the load I could feel building, and as I was groaning through clenched teeth Brad started with what was to be the beginning of a good orgasm,

"Yeah you like me jackin off your big fuckin cock, big guy? Look how sexy that fuckin looks, you leakin all over my hand, sliding up and down, you gonna blow your load all over my shirt baby..."

he was grabbing my nuts by now, which really gets me off, and I figured I had about 5 or 6 more pumps before he got what was cumming to him. I started moaning louder and louder as I felt the cum rising up through my body, and I was basically humping his leg as he jacked away.

"c'mon stud, fuckin shoot your hot cum all over me, c'mon lemme have it, blow your load all over my jeans..."

I was panting and pumping my hips back and forth as I felt the first shot blast out and I saw it land right in the middle of his stomach.

"oooohhhhhh yeahh man, fuckin soak me" he hissed with his head thrown back and that fucking smirk on his face. He was still jerking away as I lost another 5 or 6 shots onto his shirt, jeans and hand. He'd wanted to get soaked, and that he did. I fell over onto his shoulder, gasping for breath. My head felt dizzy and I closed my eyes, still bucking my hips a little bit. I grabbed onto the back of his neck and kissed his cheek. He turned his head sideways and kissed me back on the mouth. He tried to hold it but I was still pulling for air so I backed away a bit. I moved my knee and started undoing his jeans again, and again he pushed my hand away. I looked at him, as if to say "What the hell?" I knew he needed it, he'd had a raging hardon this whole time and there was a huge wet spot on the leg of his jeans from him leaking.

"I told you it was all about you tonight." he grinned. "and if you get me off right now, what am I gonna have to think about while I jerk off in the shower?"

I laughed, and said "Shithead, you don't have to jerk off in the shower, I wanna jerk you off right here"

"Well, you're not gonna. And maybe I won't jerk off in the shower. Maybe I won't jerk off at all until the weekend." He said

"Why, what's the weekend?" I asked

"Oh you'll see." was all he said, winking.

"Ohh, I get it. But I hardly believe that you aren't gonna jerk off until the weekend. Fuck you're hornier than I am, and I jerk off almost every day!" I laughed.

"Bullshit, I'll show ya. I'm not gonna tell you when, but I promise sometime before Monday morning you'll know what I'm talkin about," he said, "put that big fucker back in your pants and lets go get dirty"

We stood up, I put my "big fucker" back in my pants, and we jumped back on the bike. We drove around the hill and found a huge mud patch. I was tempted to get him to stop the bike so I could throw him off and totally cover him in mud, but I decided against it since the pond wasn't quite warm enough yet to rinse off in. We spun around for a half hour or so, got a little dirty, and then headed back to his house.

We pulled our boots and jeans off outside the door, and Brad pulled his cum soaked t-shirt over his head. We walked in through the house in just our underwear, our hands and faces dotted with mud. I told him I wanted a quick shower and to borrow a pair of jeans so I wouldn't get my car all dirty, and Brad said he'd bring some in to the bathroom while I showered. I jumped in and started rinsing off and while I was washing the shampoo out of my hair I felt a hand close around my cock. I about half-jumped and opened my eyes, the soap stinging. There stood Brad, grinning from ear to ear, still in his underwear.

"What the hell you doing?" I whispered, "there's people out there!"

"Take er easy, I'm just bringing you some jeans and a towel. Hurry up so I can get in there and clean off. I'm gonna cook us something to eat."

He left and I finished up, grabbing the towel off the rack. I looked on the bench beside the sink, and there laid a pair of clean jeans and a pair of blue boxer briefs. I picked them up to put them on, when I realized they were wet in the front. I was just about to throw them in the dryer when I realized they were the underwear Brad had been wearing while he jerked me off just an hour ago. I grinned and I felt my cock stir a little bit. I slipped them on and threw the jeans on over them and walked out of the bathroom.

After Brad showered we ate and played xBox for an hour or so before I headed home. Neither of us said a word about it until I was walking out the door.

"I'll get those back from you sometime this weekend." He said, nonchalantly.

"Oh? When this weekend?" I asked, grinning.

"Ha ha, nice try. I'm not telling, but you won't expect it. I promise." He said with a smile. He blew me a kiss before he pushed the door closed. I licked my lips and grabbed my crotch, and he laughed. I had to admit, I was about half hard already just thinking about wearing his underwear while the front of them were soaked in his precum. I got about half way home before I realized that I left my dirty clothes at his house. More so, my underwear that no doubt had a decent amount of cum on them. Ah well, I imagine I'll get those back when I get my surprise sometime this weekend. I'll post as soon as I get a chance!

In a van down by the river...

2006-04-21T11:13:00.000-03:00

First things first, Brad's sister Megan had her baby at 1:30 this morning, a girl, weighing 6 lbs 8 oz. and both mama and baby are doing great. I had gone to the hospital last night around 7:30 to see Meg and honestly she looked like crap, but most women in labour do, and she had absolutely no problems acknowledging that fact. Somehow, we got a few minutes alone, and it was like one of those cheesy montage moments in the movies, when I looked at her, she was so tired, but excited at the same time, rocking back and forth on the bed, and I just started thinking of everything we had ever done together, since we were kids. I remembered going out to Brad's house when I was 12 and Megan would have been 9, and we teased her so bad because she was a "little sister" and we were too cool to have her around. Then a mutual friend re-introducing us in high school, us joking around, me finally telling her I had feelings for her, the night I kissed her in my old Mustang, totally out of the blue, caught her by surprise, in her driveway, and how she blushed and couldn't stop smiling afterwards. Me calling her constantly from the city when I used to live there, us telling each other we "just had to wait for the weekend and I'd be home" and then forward to the day Brad and I were putting in the new floor at my newly-purchased house last summer. Her and Bitch standing there, both with weird looks in their eyes, and Bitch telling us she knew a big secret about someone as she nodded her head towards Megan, Megan finally telling us after 20 minutes of saying she couldn't, when the words "I'm pregnant" came out of her mouth, my fake smile and the hug I gave her. I hated the asshole she was going with, he was bad news, and at that time she had actually left him (the first time) but I knew deep down she was the girl I wanted to be with and have kids with someday and she just told me something that I didn't want to hear while she was with someone else. Brad just kept saying "I'm gonna be an uncle" and Bitch and Meg leaving to go break the news to her dad, me and Brad walking back inside and my eyes started to tear up; Brad knew exactly why, and he told me he was sorry but now it was time to let her go, even though I couldn't then and I still haven't; flashed through her whole pregnancy, buying things for her and the baby, her laughing and rubbing her belly, bigger by the day; the night we went to see Brokeback Mountain and us joking about her going into labour during the sex scene, her laughing again, God she's ALWAYS smiling and laughing, even when things are shitty; the day she called me at work, she was home alone, and was complaining about pains in her stomach, lasting a few minutes, 15 minutes apart, I informed her they were contractions, and her mom drove her to the hospital. False labour. Last Tuesday night, Meg telling me the doctor's gonna induce her Thursday morning, her calling me yesterday and asking if I was coming to visit her after work, finally me walking in last night, her sitting on her bed, rocking, her eyes heavy and dark, but still smiling in between contractions. This alll flashed through my head as I sat in the ugly blue vinyl chair looking at her. Then the nurse came in and said everyone had to leave, Meg needed her rest, Meg getting fed up with her, telling the nurse "You're the only one in here stressing me out. Get the fuck out." We all laughed, Meg's mother told her to watch it, Meg saying "You wanna piece of me, Ma?" After a few minutes, we all decided she should get some rest, so we started to walk out. I ran smack into Baby Daddy in the hall, and instead of threatening to kill me like he usually does, he smiled, shook my hand, and said "Water-under, big guy. It's a happy day." to which I agreed, shook his hand back, and we both stood there and looked at Meg. We talked for a minute, and I walked back in to tell her goodnight. Once again we were the only ones in there, and when I leaned in to give her a hug, I turned my head to kiss her cheek. She did the same thing at the same time and my lips brushed against hers, briefly. We both giggled, and kept hugging for a second. I let her go, wished her good luck, and told her I loved her. She looked at me, puzzled. I said "Just I love you. Generally." and she smiled. "I'll have someone call you as soon as I have her, I promise. And I love you too." She said. I smiled and walked out. Again I shook B.D.'s hand and wished him luck in the delivery room. Bitch, Brad and I walked down the hall and out the double doors. When we got to the cars, we were all chatting about everything, and Brad asked if I was stopping into his house on the way home, and I said "yeah for a few minutes I guess" and he smiled, getting in Bitch's car.

There were quite a few people there when I got there, as usual, but after we'd been there about 15 minutes, Brad asked me "So what are you up to now?" as he stood alone in the kitchen. I knew immediately something was up. "Not a thing, you?" I asked him back.
"Wanna go for a beer up town?" He asked me.
"If you want to" I replied.

Brad had the courtesy to ask Bitch if she wanted to go, which she didn't, and expressed extreme dismay in the fact that Brad was going to drink a beer. God forbid. She really overreacted, and before we walked out the door, she had the nerve to say "Alright guys, well, see you at five o'clock tomorrow morning, as usual?" and grinned at us. Brad gave her a dirty look, and I started to take a step towards her, but Brad pushed me back out the door.
"She's not worth it, man. She's been acting like a c*nt all day."

So we got in the car, and he proceeded to explain that she has been obsessed with Megan and her baby ever since she pretty much got pregnant, and she was pissed off that Brad's mom had "kicked us all out" and made her go home for the night. She actually expected to be able to spend the night in the hospital room with her! Then on the way home, Brad said something to her about "taking a bullet for any one of his family members" and Bitch said something to the effect of Megan not caring if Brad was at the hospital or not, but it was top priority that Bitch was there. Basically saying that Bitch means more to Megan than Brad does. This is totally rediculous, Brad and Megan have always been sort of the black sheep of the family. The other brother and sister both did good in school, generally were very proper, well behaved children. Brad and Megan were both rebellious, so therefore, had each others' back when their parents started ragging on them. It's true when Brad says he would do absolutely anything for her, and the same goes when Megan says that about Brad. So I think the reason why Brad wanted to get away for awhile last night was because that comment Bitch had made had hurt his feelings, which it would have hurt mine too, especially when she had no right to say something like that.

The thought crossed my mind after we got to the bar, that maybe this was Brad's indication for me to try something. But my better senses got ahold of me and told me to just go with the flow, and try to have a good old fashioned night out. So we drank a few beer, Brad won over $300 on a slot machine (asshole), we ate some food, and then headed out to the car around 11:30. The thought again crossed my mind, but I shook it off. But as we drove along a stretch of trees, Brad says "Turn in the road up here".

"Gotta take a piss?" I asked

"No." He said quietly

So I turned in the road, and drove about 5 minutes, until we came to a small clearing by the river. I stopped and put the car in park. Brad reached over and shut it off, and let his hand fall on the inside of my right thigh. He spoke first:

"You remember that time I told you if I ever wanted a blowjob, that I'd just ask?"

"Yes," I said.

"Well, umm, I'm asking" he said, in such a quiet tone, you'd think we'd never done this before.

I smiled and climbed over the console, straddling him. I found the recliner for the seatback and pushed it all the way down. I laid myself down on top of Brad, pulling his jacket off. I could feel his hardon straining against his pants already, so I figured why keep him waiting? I slid down further so my knees were on the floor of the car, and undid his jeans. I grabbed it around the base and jerked it a few times before licking the tip, running my tongue down underneath the head, and back around again. He moaned and jerked quite a bit when I ran my tongue underneath, so I kept doing this for awhile. He raised his hips up and I slid his jeans off his legs, and that's when I figured out what I was smelling - baby oil. I asked him about it, and he said that he rubs oil on his cock and nuts after he gets out of the shower to "keep things fresh". I laughed, and he asked why I was laughing.

"Because I do the same thing" I said. I dunno, maybe every guy does this; I myself had never heard of it before, just started doing it myself back in high school when I used to bike a lot, so I wouldn't chafe so bad. Then I started picturing Brad in the shower. We had showered together before, but it's different when you think of him in there all alone, when nobody's watching. It's kinkier. I had walked into his bathroom once awhile ago, back when we were still nervous about doing "stuff" together, and I had gathered enough courage to ask if he was "up" for it. I walked in, and pulled the shower curtain back a little bit. He had his back to me, and he was jerking off. I leaned in (he hadn't heard me there yet) so I was right behind his ear and whispered "Save some for me, I've got a job for you later" He jumped a little and turned his head around, smiling that fucking goofy smile that is so goddamn sexy. "If that's supposed to make me less horny, it isn't working" he said back, "let me wash my hair and I'll be right out."

I had a hard time to stop staring at his ass as I turned and walked back out into the living room. Honest to God, the nicest ass I have ever seen.

"I bet you look pretty damn hot, gettin outta the shower, all shiny from the water, standing in the mirror looking at yourself, naked, oiling your cock up, giving yourself about half a hardon just by looking at yourself..." I said to him, making him noticably harder, along with myself. He exhaled and pushed his cock deeper into my mouth, placing his hands on either side of my head. I bobbed up and down for about 5 minutes, slowly working a finger in his ass. He was bucking his hips a little bit, and the deeper I got, the more he moved and groaned. I had him deepthroated when I got all the way in the the third knuckle, and he gasped. I thought he was cumming, but after he gasped he breathed "fuck me. ohhhhh fuck me"and he pulled his cock out of my mouth. I sat back (banging my head on the dashboard, mind you) as he slid his ass out even more on the seat.

"How we gonna do this?" I asked "Buttsex can't be that easy in a car" I tend to use humour in the wrong places from time to time.
"I don't care, just fuck me." He said, jerking his cock

I had some hand lotion in the console, so I grabbed it and coated my cock with it. It was cold. But that didn't matter. I grabbed Brad by the ankles, and placed my cock at his hole, and started pushing. If he wanted to get fucked, I would fuck him. As hard as I possibly could in my car. He gasped and took in a breath sharply, but in no time I was over halfway in. He was groaning again, both in pain and pleasure I imagine, by the time I was all the way in. I let him adjust for a bit, then started thrusting in and out, increasingly faster. I bent over him a little bit, he put his hands on my arms. I was biting my teeth together, moaning also, and I looked down at him. His mouth was about half open, he had this glassy look in his eyes like he was lost somewhere. He felt so warm, almost hot, and he kept letting out those hot short little moans.

"Somethin wrong?" I grunted

"Fuuuuck no. That feels greaaaaat" he said, his head falling back some.

That spurred me on. I planted my hands beside his head on the seatback and started pounding into him harder. He was squeezing his ass tighter all the time, and I knew I wasn't gonna last long. He was breathing heavier now too, and his mouth was still open. I bent down and pushed my mouth against his, and he jerked at the wrong time and I smashed my bottom lip on his teeth. I could taste a little blood, but I didn't care. He grabbed me head from behind and pulled me into him hard. We were both gasping, and I had to keep pulling back for air. Brad was moaning louder, saying "fuck me harder... god your cock feels hard...I'm gonna cum soon" he was running his hand over my head, scratching the back of my neck, biting my ear, still whispering "fuck me" over and over. The windows were all fogged up and it smelled like sex so bad (or good) in there. I could feel myself getting closer by the minute, and just when I thought I might be able to hang on for at least one more minute, Brad pulled that famous trick he does with his ass, where it tightens up and releases really quick, and off I went. The first shot was wicked; I hadn't had time to jerk off for a few days so there was a respectable load being emptied inside Brad. After about the third shot, Brad said "Ohh fuck I'm cummin" and he pulled his shirt up and started furiously jerking his cock. He pumped it about 4 times and started shooting all over his stomach. He let out one final moan, it was high pitched, almost effeminate. He threw his head back and his body was jerking. His assring kept milking my cock which felt awesome, but my knees were starting to wobble. Before his orgasm was completely done, I grabbed him by the hips and slid him up the seat some, so I could get my knees on it better. I laid down on him, my cock still in his ass, as we both caught our breath. He reached over after a few minutes and rolled the window down, giving us some much-needed air. Once again I found myself with my head burind in the crook of his neck. I moved in close enough to kiss him under his ear, and a little around lower by his shoulder. He was still letting out these tiny moans, which were making my cock twitch again, still in his ass. We stayed like that for about 5 minutes, when I finally raised myself up, pulling out of him.

"Goddamn, you really feel empty after that dick comes out, heh?" He asked me, dreamily.

I grinned, "Yeah, but the whole things feels fucking GOOD." He nodded in agreement, and raised his hips up again to pull his pants up. He opened the door and got out, lighting a cigarette. I got out the drivers' side, and walked around to where he was leaning on the fender.

"You ever fucked on the hood of your car?" He asked me

"Yeah, with (my ex)" I replied "My old car, not this one"

"You ever fucked on the hood of this car?" He asked

"No..." I said.

"We'll have to break it in before you trade it this summer" He said, with an evil grin.

"No problem buddy. Let me know when" I laughed back.

He turned towards the open door, and went "Uh oh," so I turned and saw a fairly large cum stain on my passenger seat. "That's probably gonna lower the resale value" Brad said with a laugh.

"Ah, I'll get it out somehow. Just hope no one wants to see it tomorrow" I said.

We climbed back in the car and started towards home. As we turned up his road, he said,

"I got wondering when you were talking about me getting out of the shower..." he paused, "What do you think about when you jerk off?

I thought, what a question to ask someone out of the blue. If he would have asked me while I was fucking him, I probably could have answered it no problem, but my mind went blank. Just then his cell phone rang, it was Bitch, wondering if we were on our way home, and apoligized to Brad about what she'd said before. He asked if she was sorry about what she had said to me before we left the house, she didn't reply. I didn't give a fuck. I'm not one of these people that NEEDS someone to like me.

So as he got out of the car at his place, I leaned over and said goodbye, and that I'd see him tomorrow (today) some time. He leaned back in and said "You never answered my question. Think about it and try to get back to me sometime this weekend. G'night stud." he said and blew me a quick kiss. I smiled and said goodnight back, and in the house he went.

So once again, I had an upbeat drive home, and had no problems going to sleep once I got there. I left the wondows down in the car all night to let it air out, and put some stain remover on the seat (lol) Worked like a charm, by this morning, you couldn't even tell anything was ever there. So I'm leaving work in about 15 minutes to go see the new baby, and maybe, just maybe we might have a repeat performance of last night. Although, Brad's cousin (the one I said I was gonna find out just how hung he was) called me this afternoon and said he wants to do something tonight. No problem, I've definitely got something he can do. ;)

Have a good weekend, try to post Sunday and let you all know what happened...

Me = Lazy

2006-04-20T11:52:00.000-03:00

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Been very busy at work and after work all week, but I promise a good long post soon - I have a few interesting tales for y'all. Keep checkin' back!

Sweet, sweet release

2006-04-11T10:09:00.000-03:00

Well first off I'll start with a brief re-cap of my weekend. A bunch of us hung around Saturday playing playstation, for lack of anything better to do, drank a few beer, hung out. Brad also indulged in a few beer, which his brother and I watched carefully, somewhat disapproving. But we thought we'd give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he could just drink socially. (Turns out he could, and did pretty good. He only had like 3 or 4 all afternoon/night) But around 10:00 or so, he decided to lay off for awhile so he could drive us around later. We went out to a few bars, finally making our ways home around 3:30. When we got to Brad's, Bitch was waiting up for him. She knew somehow (probably from Brad's brother) that he had been drinking. Keep in mind, he was by no means drunk, but she felt the need to initiate a shouting match at his parents' house at this wee hour. So naturally, out of anger towards her and general annoyance that she wasn't getting the hint that he didn't want her there, he shouted back. His parents got up, it wasn't cool. I was glad Drew was driving me home. Home is where I went, to my bed, and passed out until 2 Sunday afternoon.

Sunday was a lazy day, didn't really do anything. Got a flat tire on the car, realized I hate my car more than anything else, and can't wait much longer before I buy a new one. Yes, I am very materialistic. I need new things to make me happy, and I get especially pissy if I lose something I like very much. Which brings me to my next point.

Last night I took a drive out to Brad's to see what he was up to. After the weekend, all the tension seemed to have dissolved between us, so I thought we'd just hang out. Plus, my bike has been sitting in his barn for 2 years, and my legs need some work before summer. When I got out there, I discovered that he wasn't there; he'd gone to town with Bitch. But his sister was there, so we talked for awhile about how she still hasn't had her kid, is in misery, is past her due date, and is basically sick of being pregnant. So after a half hour or so, I said I was going home.

Still with no idea what to do, I discovered that my roommates had bought Jarhead on DVD, and I hadn't seen it yet. I've wanted to see it since it came out in theatres, but never had the time to go. So around 9 last night, I popped it in. About half an hour in, my cell phone rings.

Brad Cell

So I picked it up and said hello. He replied, asked what I was doing. I said watching a movie. He asked who all was there, and I said just me. Melissa and the little guy flew out to her grandmothers' for the week, and Steve was working all night. He said cool, that he'd probably be down in a little bit. Then he hesitated. "Is that alright?" He asked timidily, for some reason.

I laughed a little, and said yes, that it was fine.

So Bitch's car drove in the driveway half an hour later, and I was kind of disappointed. But then I saw headlights leaving again, as Brad walked through the door.

"What a fucking bitch" he said, grinning.

I laughed, and asked what that was all about. He said they had gotten in another fight about him having a few beer the other night, and said she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Which she says everytime they fight, and 3 days later they're back together again. But this time, Brad thought he'd humour her, and said fine, if you don't want to be around me, let me out of the car. So thats when he called me and she drove him down. I laughed and sat back down to watch the rest of the movie. Brad had only seen half of it so we both sat there for the next hour or so and finished the movie. When it was over, I asked if he wanted me to drive him home, or if he was just going to sleep here tonight. He said it didn't matter, I probably didn't want to drive all the way to his house at this time of night anyways. I said I didn't care, whatever he wanted. That's when he walked over to the couch and said

"I think you probably know what I want. I'm guessing that you want the same thing?"

Talk about being blindsided. We'd had our talk about how we weren't going to do this anymore, much to my disappointment, but I thought whatever made him happy, I could deal with. This was just a bonus!

So I stood up and looked him straight in the eye. "Are you SURE you want to? If you're not, we don't have to" and he grabbed me by the shoulders and said "I haven't gotten laid in almost 3 weeks. No one's gonna come in here tonight?" to which I replied no, Steve would be working until at least noon the next day. Brad said good, and started walking towards my bedroom.

I locked the door and turned out all the lights. When I got to my bedroom, he was sitting on the bed with that infamous grin.

"FUCK I'm horny" he said, with enthusiasm. I grinned and said "Me too. It's about fucking time you came around." He jumped up and pulled my shirt off. He dropped down on his knees and started unbuckling my belt, and when hy unbuttoned my jeans, the buckle swung around and caught him in the cheek. I giggled, and he grinned and yanked the belt completely off. When he yanked my jeans down and started going for my underwear, I grabbed his wrists and pushed him back. He stood up and pushed me back on the bed, much like I had done to him the first night. He yanked his shirt up over his head, and dropped his jeans. Leaving his underwear on, he climbed up on the bed, straddling my legs with his. He came all the way up to the bottom of my ribcage, when he looked down and said "If you want it you're gonna have to get it yourself"

I love how he always thinks he challenging me with stuff, and I always end up turning the tables on him. So I reached under his ass and lifted him up a good 6 inches, pushing his crotch towards me. While holding him up, I craned my neck and bit the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulled them down. His 3/4 hard dick popped out, and I let the waistband go. I pushed his ass up a little more, and took the head into my mouth. Fuuuck, I forgot how good he tasted. He moaned, and pushed himself a little further down my throat. After a minute, he repositioned so he was on his knees, pumping his cock in and out of my mouth. He wasn't kidding when he said he was horny, he was leaking and moaning like he usually doesn't do until after at least an hour. That's when I remembered that this was only the second time we'd done this sober, and his lasting power probably wasn't as good. So I popped him out of my mouth and pushed him back onto the bed. I climbed up his body like he'd done to me, and when I straddled his chest, I pulled my underwear down, grabbed my dick, and said "Suck it baby", all the while trying to replicate his sexy-as-fuck grin.

He opened his mouth and stuck his tongue way out, and I slapped my cockhead off of it. I left it there for a few seconds and he licked up the underside and around the tip. I let my hands fall to his nipples, and he moved his right hand up to me, jerking me off as he sucked. I let my head fall back, as he had not lost his cock-sucking talents. I could feel him moving his hips up and down, so I reached behind myself and got his hardon in a tight grip, and started pumping at it slowly. He was thrusting his hips up into my hand in no time, all the while sucking me harder and harder. Finally he let my dick fall out of his mouth, looked up at me, and said "I need to fuck you"

I was more than happy to oblige, so I climbed off him as he sat up. He remembered where the lube was, and squirted a large amount into his hand. After he had us both ready to go he flipped me over onto my stomach. I braced myself because I knew what kind of a mood he was in, and he wasn't going to waste any time. Sure enough, he didn't, and I had to grit my teeth for a few minutes. I was just about to tell him to take it easy when he actually slowed down on his own, and the pain started to go away. We finally found our rhythm, and he started to speed up again. He was groaning and thrusting harder and harder into me everytime, almost pulling completely out and slamming back in. We hadn't fucked in over a month, and even then, I had fucked him, so I had started to forget just how good it actually felt.

Brad had both hands on my hips, pushing me away when he pulled out, and pulling me back into him when he shoved his cock back in me. The heat in the bedroom was on, and Brad must have turned it up even more because it was hotter than Hell in there. We had both started to sweat and I was dying to be able to see him, all shiny and wet, his teeth bared and his eyes screwed shut. I loved it when his hair dampened and stuck to his forehead. By now he had bent over my back, clawing at my shoulders, and ramming his cock into me even harder. The bed was moving and the headboard was banging against the wall. I felt him kiss my shoulder, then I felt his tongue in the same spot. Just as I was wondering what he was licking, I felt his hot breath on my right ear.

"Fuck your tattoo looks sexy" He hissed.

I wondered why he was just saying this now, as I got my tattoo around the first of December, and he'd seen it many times since then. I didn't think any more of it though. He kept kissing and licking it, still clawing around the front of my shoulders, still about half pile-driving my ass. Suddenly I became very aware of every sensation around me. That sounds like a real hippie thing to say, but it was like a rush or something. All of a sudden, his cock felt 10 times better inside me, his nails digging into my shoulders, his teeth and tongue on my back and shoulder, his wet hair brushing against my neck, his heat all over me, his moans, sometimes soft and sometimes louder, the occasional "holy fuck", his breath... God, it's gettin me hard just thinking about it again...

He thrusted once so hard he pushed me over flat onto my stomach. He snaked his hand under me and grabbed my cock, ginding his cock into me slower, his head still in the crook of my neck. He spread my legs out wider with his own, and started pumping me harder again. This new angle brought more and better sensations, and I started lifting my ass up to meet him. I was begging him to fuck me harder still. We'd been goin at it for about 45 minutes, and between that and the fact we hadn't fucked for so long was making me want to get off so bad. I just kept saying "harder harder" over and over again, a little louder every time, until I was practically screaming it at him. Every time I said it, he would go harder, so by now we were all out banging and it felt so fucking good. I could feel every inch of his body on me, every inch of his cock in me, then pulling all the way out and slamming back in. I could feel my nuts tighten up and I knew I had about 10 seconds. He grunted 3 or 4 times before I heard him say through clenched teeth "I'm fucking cumming baby" and then slam into me one last time.

I felt myself go over the edge first, blowing the biggest load into Brad's hand and onto the bed under me. My head immediately started spinning and I could see stars. I let out a loud growl about the same time I felt him explode in my ass, and start moaning louder than I think I have ever heard him before. I felt numb all over, but I could feel a good 6 or 7 shots inside me as he grinded himself into me. We were both so out of breath and my throat was so dry, but I couldn't move. Brad had collapsed back on top of me, and then I felt his arms run up my side, and pull my arms up over my head. I laid my head back down onto the bed, and I felt him kiss the back of my neck. He laid his head down again on my right shoulder, his mouth right by my ear.

"fuck that was awesome" he whispered, and bit my earlobe.

"mmm hmm" was all I could manage.

We laid there long enough for me to almost fall asleep, until I felt him twitch and start to move off of me.

"You just wanna stay here tonight?" I asked him

"I would but I gotta help dad in the morning down back with something. I disappeared on him today with [Bitch] so I should be there in the morning when he's ready." He replied

"Okay" I said. I understood, plus I was at his house when his dad came back from doing whatever it was he was supposed to have Brad's help with, and he didn't seem happy. So we got out of bed, and we threw our clothes back on. The drive back to his house all I could think was him regretting this, and he must have read my mind, because he said "I really am sorry for being a dickhead lately. I just needed some time to focus on everything, but I promise I'm all good now. That [meaning what we had just done] was proof I think" he said, and laughed.

I smiled at him and said yes, that everything was cool again. He put his hand on the inside of my right thigh for the rest of the drive, and when we puled in his driveway he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. He got out, and said thanks for driving him home.

"No problem," I said "Don't be a stranger..."

He leaned back in the open door, grinning, "Don't worry, I won't be. G'night. baby." and winked at me. He shut the door and walked towards the house. I started at his ass all the way until he walked in the door. I was on could nine all the way back to my house, and when I fell back into my bed, albeit cum and sweat soaked, I had no trouble falling quickly asleep.

Broken, but not destroyed...

2006-04-04T13:57:00.000-03:00

Last time I posted, I told y'all about how I had talked to Brad about what had been happening, not happening, etc. and asked that he remember that I was his friend after all, and to call me once in awhile. As sincere as he sounded when he said he was sorry, by Saturday night I still hadn't heard anything from him. I tried as best I could to brush it off, and went out with some friends to a bar.

After we'd been there for about an hour, Brad walked in with his cousin and brother. I was kinda shocked to see him there, considering he had quit drinking, but I soon found out that he was the designated driver for his two drunken relatives. I walked up to him and asked if he'd come outside for a cigarette with me. He said yes, and we went out to the front balcony where no one ever goes unless it's summer. We weren't out there maybe 3 minutes, just starting to have a conversation, when like 7 or 8 people came out onto the balcony. That ended our conversation, so I just walked back inside.

After a few hours had gone by, and Brad hadn't said another word to me, I (along with the help of probably a little too much alcohol) cornered him in by the pool table. I told him that I was coming to his house the next day, and we were going for a drive. He gave me a funny look and said,

"...no... what? Why?"

"Because I wanna know what the hell is going on with you. This shit has gone on long enough, man." I said to him.

"What do you mean?? What do you think is going on? There's NOTHING." He said.

I was too drunk and frusterated to argue with him anymore so I just told him that I'd talk to him tomorrow when we both had clearer heads. He said that yes, that was probably a good idea, and I walked away. Despite the almost-fight, we were somewhat friendly with each other for the rest of the night. His brother and cousin ended up having to be guided to the car; I was one of their guides. I'm 99.9% positive Brad's cousin was trying something with me, which wouldn't be the first time he's "tried something" with me, and I don't know why I don't just jump him one of these times. Rumour has it he's hung like an elephant, and I'd be curious to know for myself. Plus, he's pretty good looking. About 6'1", probably a body fat percentage of 0.003%, a little too skinny for my taste, but built nice nonetheless, and like I say, I have yet to find out about the goods down below, but give me time...

I ended up not getting to bed until 6:00 Sunday morning, so I slept until about 12:30, got up, showered, and headed down to Brad's. The closer I got, the more pissed off I got. Why, I don't know, I guess I was just confused as to why he wasn't talking to me, and I'd let myself worry about it for too long. I was hoping that no one else was there when I got there, but that wasn't the case. His whole family and a few of our friends were all standing around talking. So I decided to stay anyways, and the day went pretty good. After about 3 hours or so, everyone had left or gone inside, and Brad and I were standing out in the driveway having a cigarette. I asked him when we were going for our drive, and he said, kind of snappy,

"What do you want to go for a drive for?"

I could feel my face start to get hot again with anger, but I forced it back down.
"I told you last night, I wanna know what the deal is with you. I've barely seen you in 5 weeks. When I talked to you last week, you said you were sorry and you'd call and we'd do something Friday night. You didn't. You barely spoke to me last night--" which is where he cut me off.

He said my name as he grabbed both of my shoulders. "You worry too much." He said, sort of smiling.

I smiled back a little, and said "Well yeah, a guy kinda worries when his best friend doesn't speak to him for over a month, Brad!"

"I'm not not-talking to you, I just don't do anything anymore. I haven't called you to go do something because I don't do anything. I work, play hockey, sleep, go back to work. My whole life revolved around drinking for so long and now it doesn't anymore. I know we used to go out all the time. We used to go out drinking." He explained.

"I know that, but just because you don't drink anymore doesn't mean we still can't hang out and do stuff together. You know what? When you quit drinking, I thought I'd quit too, just to see how easy it was to go without it." I told him.

"What'd you do that for? You're not the alcoholic. How would that be the same?" He asked me.

"It's not the same. But I did it. Sure, I was drinking last night, and I've had drinks before then too, but I did it for awhile." I said.

He nodded. Then I asked him why he was so persistant in not wanting to go for a drive.

"I thought you wanted to go for a different kind of drive." He said sheepishly.

That's when I remembered when we first started our little "thing". Whenever either of us wanted to go, we'd just say "Let's go for a drive" and we'd both jump in the car and take off for a few hours, the night, however long it took. As I thought about that, it felt like so long ago. That's when I realized that Brad was trying to steer his life back on course, and no matter how much I hated to admit it, us hooking up was a direct result of his drinking. I could tell by the way he looked at me when he said the thing about "the different kind of drive" that he was trying to tell me something. So, I bit the bullet and decided that it would probably be easier on us both if I brought it up. I pulled him a little closer to me so I wouldn't have to talk so loud. Not like there was anyone even remotely near us, but it just felt more comfortable. That's when I started saying what I never ever thought I would say to Brad:

"About that. I think I know what you're trying to say. And it's okay. I know where you're at, and I know what "us" was all about. I think that might have had something to do with the bullshit between us lately. Am I right?" I asked him.

"Well... yeah. I just didn't know how to say it so I thought I'd just let it be." He said quietly.

"Well Brad, you can't just let something like that "be". But, if that was the source of the problem, then consider the problem fixed." I said.

"You know you can't just do that. I know you, all too well, and no one can just stop something like that. I'm gonna ask you something once and I'm going to believe whatever answer you give me. Okay?" He asked.

"Okay." I replied.

"Hmmm..." He stalled "Are you, or were you, in love with me?"

My heart, I KNOW, lodged itself in my throat. This was the question I'd been asking myself for months now, not sure of the answer myself, and he had hinted around at it before, but had never actually said it. Now he had. This was D-Day. The moment of truth. Given what had happened, and what was happening at the moment, I decided to tell him exactly what I knew would be the only thing that could salvage a long, old friendship.

"No. I don't. I never have been. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but I never got that far into it." I was lying through my teeth. I knew as soon as I heard myself say it out loud that I wanted all of him so bad, but that once again, I wanted something that I could not have. My face was frozen in an emotionless state, like someone who really wasn't in love, but inside, I felt like I was being ripped apart.

Brad spoke first. "Okay. I said I was only going to ask once, and believe whatever you told me. And I believe you." When he said those last 4 words, he gave me that look that I'd seen a million times before. The look that says, bluntly, "I hear what you're saying, but I know what you really mean." He had given me that look probably the second time we went to the camp. I told him I wanted to take a drive out to make sure everything out there was okay, and he gave me that look.

So I smiled at him, realized that my hands were on his shoulders and his were on mine, and said "Okay, well that's outta the way then." And I let go of him and took a step back.

"You okay?" He asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine" I wasn't fine. I just wanted to run to the car and get the hell out of there. I had just lied to him, and myself, about the biggest thing that's ever happened to me in my life. But it was either that, or tell him the truth. And I knew what the truth would bring. It's like I said to my ex-girlfriend when we realized that we couldn't be together anymore, I'd rather us be just friends than nothing at all. And that's what I wanted with Brad. We've been friends forever, best friends for the past 4 years, and I wasn't willing to risk that for something I knew wouldn't ever work out. Both of us are way too fucked up for something that big to work.

As I tried to maintain my expression of being "fine", I said that I was gonna take off and get some supper. I took another step back and he took a step towards me. He grabbed my jacket and pulled me into him, and started to kiss me. Just as I found myself starting to kiss him back, I (gently) pushed him away.

"No," I said, "Now we can just let it be." My breath felt like it had been cut off, and I felt the waterworks start to come to the surface. I turned away from him, said something about being starved to death, had to go eat something, and made it almost to the car.

"You wanna come back here after you eat? We're gonna watch a movie." He called out to me.

I stayed turned away from him, "Who's 'we'?" I asked.

He named off himself, Bitch, and his sister. I said that yeah, I'd be back in a couple hours. I got in the car, which involved turning back towards him. I didn't look up until I was actually in the car. He was standing by the corner of the barn with his hands in his pockets just looking at me. He knew exactly what my story was, how I felt, he probably even knew I was starting to cry. I blinked one tear away and smiled at him through the window. I waved as I backed out, he waved back, smiling half-heartedly. As soon as I was out of sight of his house, I let out a big sigh and braced myself for the imminent collapse.

But it didn't happen. As soon as I let that sigh out, all I could think about was how we'd had it out, over everything that was bothering me. He'd been right, I do worry too much; he'd told me that before, and he's right. A lot of people tell me that. Sure, I'd lied to Brad when he asked if I was in love with him, but believe me, no matter how descriptive I get with my writing, no one knows the exact situation but Brad and I. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. Part of me could only think about how we weren't gonna have sex anymore. But the other part of me, the bigger part, realized that that was just sex. I can have sex with anyone. I liked having sex with Brad, but I wasn't going to be anymore. Overall, that was a minor detail. At least we could be friends again. He'd already taken the first step there, by inviting me down later that night. I could tell by the way he said it, that he wanted me to come back, genuinely. He'd said it the same way when he asked me to come to his house on Christmas Day.

All I could think about the rest of the way to town was all the good memories I had of him. Even though he was drunk in most of them, they were still good memories. Some of them weren't even about the sex. Just us hanging out. I smiled, listened to songs that reminded me of us hanging out last summer, stupid songs like Hollaback Girl. That song was just really catchy, and really popular last July when Brad and I were working on my house all the time. I'd burnt a CD around that time, and I found it in my car, so I listened to it. I remember I drove him crazy because I just played that CD over and over again for almost a week straight while we were putting down new floor, painting, whatever. By the time I got to town, I was almost laughing out loud thinking of all the stupid shit we did. After I ate, I went for a quick run, showered, and headed back down to Brad's house. I felt 300% better about everything. Still a little bummed that I wasn't gonna get to bang his ass anymore, but I'll get over it. Like I said, his cousin is back in town for a month or so, so I could set my sights on him. I've heard rumours for 4 or 5 years now that he's bi, so chances are, given the rumours and the way he acts around me every other time he sees me, he is. We'll give it a try sometime anyway. When I have more time I'll tell you about the other times he's hit on me and you can let me know what you think his deal is.

So like the title says, I'm a little smashed up, but not a total write-off. I'm a bold faced liar, but when a friendship like ours is at stake, I don't care what I am. I'll be alright, hell I feel alright now! Sex is important to me, sure, but it's not the most important thing in my life. Brad knows I lied to him, but he and I both know that things work better this way. And right now, that's the most important thing to me.

I miss my friend...

2006-03-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

So, once again it's been a week since my last post... Kinda happy to say that I (somewhat) talked to Brad since I last posted. Sunday night, I was at his house visiting his sister. When he came in from hockey, I was on my way out to go home. He was standing on the doorstep having a cigarette, and I was almost to the car, without saying anything before I realized that I was being a little childish. So I grabbed my cigarettes off my passenger seat and walked back to Brad. We stood there for a few minutes in complete silence. At first it just seemed like neither of us had anything to say, but the longer it went on, you could feel the tension growing. Finally I had enough and said
"You know, it's been almost 3 weeks since we really hung out like we used to before."

"Yeah I know." He said quietly.

"So... what's gonna happen there? I called you I don't know how many times, and you never called back. And what was with the other day when you just stared at me like you didn't even know me?" I asked him.

"I dunno, I was just in a weird mood that day, honestly I didn't even realize it was you until I drove away" He said, somewhat un-convincingly.

"Oh... Well, I hafta go home." I said as I started walking towards the car. "Give me a call sometime this week when you have some time" I said kind of accusingly.

"Yeah I will. I promise." He said, then started walking towards me. He got close enough to me that he could talk in a loud whisper. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't even realize it had been this long. I'll call you this week, I promise. I have to work tomorrow and Tuesday, then Wednesday and Thursday nights. But after that, I'll call you." I can honestly say that his eyes had some sadness in them. He started to lean in to kiss me, then stopped when (we both) realized where we were, even though it was dark. He grabbed my hand for a quick second before he turned and headed back to the house.

I didn't even care if he kissed me or not. I could have cared less that he even grabbed my hand. Sure, I wanted to bend him over the hood of my car and fuck his brains out; his tight fuckin' ass looked WICKED in those jeans, and he'd just played hockey for 2 hours, so I knew damn well what he smelled like, and that alone was driving me mad for the 5 minutes I was standing next to him. But really, when it all came down, I just really missed my best friend. Not my fuck-buddy, not this guy that I think I'm falling in love with, but my best friend. So now it's Wednesday night. Brad's working, along with tomorrow night too. So I guess I'll just have to see what happens after that. Hopefully something good. At this point I'm open to anything.

In the dark

2006-03-23T14:25:00.000-04:00

I know I promised more frequent updates, but my new computer STILL isn't here!! I was expecting it today, but nothing yet. I have 2 days left before I turn 1 year older; something I have become less and less fond of over the past few years. All of my "elders" say I'm being silly; after all, I'm only turning 23, but it just seems like yesterday I was 17, not a care in the world. Now I'm an actual adult. I have responsibilities; bills, commitments, "grown-up" things to do. It's kinda cool I guess, and it's not like I can just stop it all and go back to being a kid. But man, it'd be nice.
I hadn't talked to Brad all week. I called him a few times, never actually talked to him, but left messages with different people for him to call me; voicemails, etc. but still nothing. I picked up his sister last night; we went to the next town over and ran some errands. When I stopped in to pick her up, Brad was just backing out of the driveway. As I pulled in, he gave me this kind of half-wave, like you give to someone you don't really know. That was it. I kinda stopped and looked at him, puzzled, as if to say "Do you not know who I am?" but he just drove away. I picked up my cell and called his; it rang 3 times and then I got a fast busy signal, meaning he had hit cancel on his phone. So when his sister came out and got in the car, I asked her if she knew what his problem was, and she said she had no idea. She asked me if he called me back the night before (as I had left a message with her for him to do so, and she passed it on to Brad) and I said that no, he hadn't. She shrugged her shoulders, and said she had no idea what was going on. So I let it go for the time being, and away we went.
Now Megan (Brad's sister) is 9 months pregnant. Up until a few weeks ago, she was an excellent pregnant woman - cheerful, excited, glowing. But a few weeks ago, she started to grow tired of carrying around what appears to be a large baby. As we drove to town, she said "Oh Jesus, just drop me off at the hospital and I'll get them the yank this goddamn thing out of me" I laughed, because she's been coming out with some pretty humourous stuff lately. The not-funny part was, it's entirely possible that she's going into labour any time now. Not that that would freak me out; I went to paramedic school, and the first thing they taught us was how to deliver a baby. When Melissa (my roommate) had her baby, I was in the delivery room with her; and the sight of blood and all that doesn't bother me one bit.
So we did what we had to do around town, and Megan had some things to pick up for her new apartment, which she plans on moving into a month after having the baby. We have all tried to tell her that a month doesn't give her much time to adjust, and maybe she should wait until the end of summer or something before taking such a big step. She and the father are no longer together, which is good, because he seemed to have something of an anger problem. Megan is the sister that I used to go out with, so of course, this being a small town and all, every guy in town seen with Megan was said to be the father of her baby. This angered the actual father even more, and every guy rumoured to be the baby-daddy, was approached by him, with some potentially violent undertones. He's one of these guys with a Napolean complex - he stands about 5'6", weighs maybe 140 lbs, and has legs on him like a grasshopper. But has he ever got a temper! Whenever he gets pissed off, you just want to pat him on the head and say "Ooh, simmer down, little guy. Have a popsicle." The great part is, he's like that, and Megan is one of these takes-no-shit girls. So when they got in a fight one day, while still living together, he told her to do something, and she said no. He kept asking, and she said no, so as he stood on the balcony overlooking the living room, he threw a stereo at her. It landed about 3 feet away from her, and apparently Megan didn't even blink. She looked up at him and simply said "Well, that was a good waste of $600 wasn't it?" and started packing her bags. He told her she wasn't going anywhere, and apparently she won that arguement because she showed up at her parents' house an hour later in his car, with all her stuff. I believe every word of that story because I know how Megan is: she doesn't intimidate easily; and for God's sake don't piss her off. She's very vengeful.
About a week after she moved back in with her parents, she found out she was pregnant. Her ex kept harassing her, ranging from her moving back in, to him threatening her friends and family. Not once did she give in to him, and besides the occasional threat made to other guy-friends of hers, he's done nothing he said he was going to do. Especially to her father. Now, I'm going to clarify something about Brad & Megan's dad - I may have made it sound like he was a nasty old guy, but he's really not. He's a really nice guy with a good sense of humour, but if you spent one day in their household you would quickly see why the Dad is so stressed out all the time. Between Brad's drinking; Megan moving back in, pregnant at that, and the other two siblings, especially Brad's 26 year old brother, who despite the fact that he has a kickass paying job, still lives at home. The Dad just kinda needs to vent from time to time, and when Brad was stumbling in drunk at all hours of the night, it just so happened that he was the easiest target.
I will also add that now that Brad's quit drinking, he and his father get along a lot better. This brings me back around to my original problem - Brad not talking to me. Last week after his meeting, he said something about him having to eliminate all things that reminded him of being drunk. At the time I thought nothing of it, but now that a week has gone by and we haven't spoken I can't help but think that maybe I am one of the things that reminds him of being drunk. After all, check the facts:
-Anytime we ever hung out, we were drinking. Brad more than anyone else.
-The first time we had sex, it was because we were drunk and had no inhibitions.
-The second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. times we had sex, we were in varying stages of drunkenness.
-Anytime we ever shared deep dark secrets with one another, Brad was usually drunk.
-Whenever we would go on our Friday-night booze-cruises, Brad would get drunk.

(Okay, now I know that some of you are probably thinking that maybe I have a drinking problem also, but I assure you I don't. Plus, when Brad quit drinking, I thought I'd try and quit just for fun, to see if I actually could, and I've also done well. I've had a social drink here and there, but I could always control myself anyways.)

So alas, now I'm scared that maybe I've been tossed out along with all the other things that reminded Brad of drinking. It's been worrying me all week, and today I've decided that I'm tired of thinking about it 24/7. So tonight after work, I know he doesn't have to work either, and I'm cornering him. I think I deserve to know what's going on; why my best friend won't even speak to me anymore, especially after all we've been through. This pit in my stomach is pissing me off.

Chaos

2006-03-16T17:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm gonna start off by saying that I ordered my new computer yesterday for my house, so as soon as that comes, I won't have to use this goddamn computer at work anymore. That means more frequent updates, maybe some pictures (if I can figure out how...) and just a better blog all around.

Second of all, a big "I'm sorry" for not updating sooner. Work hasn't been particularly busy, but I've just felt sooo tired the past week. I know in my last post, Brad had told me not to make plans for Saturday night, which I didn't, but I ended up with a migraine and he had to work overtime at work, so nothing ended up happening over the weekend. My only source of "entertainment" was painting a wall in my house to match another, then getting the bright idea to paint the big wooden door next to this wall, also. Now, in this door is a window. The window is one of those criss-cross patterned windows, where there are like 9 different little squares of glass. I thought, instead of taping up all those little squares of glass, I'd just take the whole frame off so I could paint it seperately (hence, no paint would get on the glass). However, when I jammed the screwdriver between the frame and the door, it put pressure on the glass, and the window exploded all over my kitchen. So there I stood, covered in broken glass, and the phone rings. It's this dumb crotch who called me about a month ago to tell me that I owed my DVD club for a movie (which I had a. never ordered, and b. never received.) She was being very stern with me, saying that "I had to pay for it one way or another before she left for the day, but I could post-date my payment." We had a very heated arguement over why this couldn't wait until Monday so I could dispute this with the club. She told me that I had to pay her before she left for the day. I returned with saying "who the hell gets off work at 11:00 on a Saturday morning, and stop making it sound as if I owe you the money personally." She really didn't like me and I really didn't like her, especially when she refused to let me speak to her supervisor. So anyways, we fought back and forth for a few minutes until I finally realized that I had other things on my plate at the moment, and told "Heather" to call back when she wasn't gonna be such a bitch. She hasn't called back yet. I walked back out to the kitchen, and started sweeping up glass. This is when my migraine began.

The rest of my day was spent on nothing. I left my windowless door and drove around for awhile. I visited my grandmother, who I hadn't seen for awhile because I'd been sick. She was pissed off because winter's not over yet and she's still stuck in the house. I spent a few hours with her, and then took a drive out to the camp. It was so nice out here on Saturday, so I just hung around out there for an hour. It's so funny, when I was younger, like 14 or 15, I used to hate going to the camp. But now, it's kind of become like my Zen garden. Everytime I go out there now, I instantly mellow out. It's so quiet out there, with the brook running in front of the camp, the breeze blowing through the trees, everything is peaceful. I'm an only child, so growing up in my parents' big house, I was used to having my own space, if I wanted quiet, I had it. But now, I live in a smaller house, with 2 other people and their 3 year old son (and yes, I know, it was my idea that they move in, but I obviously didn't give it much thought...) and it's just llike they've taken over my house. They don't discipline their son nearly enough; he pretty much controls their lives, and the worst part is he doesn't know the meaning of the word "no". For example, when he gets up in the morning, he refuses to eat breakfast food. He prefers popsicles or doughnuts or french fries (which he ate this morning, along with some chicken nuggets) which most 3 year olds would ask for. However, most parents would set a bowl of cereal in front of them and say "either you eat this, or you don't eat." Melissa believes that if he misses one meal, that he's going to starve to death, and/or that he's going to hate her for making him eat something that he didn't want. That is really the biggest issue. Melissa won't say no to him because he throws tantrums and won't talk to her for like, an hour. Weren't we all like that when we were kids? After an hour or so, we forgot what we were pissed off about and got over it. No hard feelings. Not to toot my own horn, but my parents disciplined me, and if I wanted things one way, and they wanted them another, it always ended up with mom & dad getting the final word. At the time, it made me mad, but now that I'm an adult, I see that that's how it has to be - you can't let your kids get whatever they want. Stephen (the father) on the other hand, shares the same beliefs that I do - he and I were raised in similar homes (although even though he's 30 years old now, and his mother still calls him every day to make sure he's okay) but he works long hours. He goes to work anytime after 3 a.m., and is lucky to be home by around 6 p.m. so no doubt he's exhausted. I can see his point though, he wants his son do be disciplined, but he doesn't want to get home from working all day and start raging at the little guy. I know he wants to, but then all his son is going to know is his dad being mad at him all the time.

I know that little kids are hyper, and curious about everything. But, I come from a large extended family, of all different age ranges, so there are babies all the time. Quite a few of my friends from high school have started families already, so it's not like I have no other kids to compare him to. No other kid I have ever seen has been as wired as this kid is. He's currently in the process of toilet-training (which he is doing quite well) and yesterday morning, he came running out of his bedroom, saying he had to pee. But when he saw me sitting on the couch, he felt he needed to stop and chat for awhile. It was cute, but I had to cut him off and say "Do you have to pee?" and he goes "yeah" and took off for the bathroom. I heard him do his thing, and then I heard the water running in the sink. I asked what he was doing, and he said brushing his teeth. I wasn't gonna stop the little guy from doing that, plus he already knows how, but after about 10 minutes, I had to go in and see what was taking him so long.

As I walked into the bathroom, all I saw was the waterfall running over the edge of the sink, and the green frog and yellow duck floating around the countertop. The kid was splashing around in the sink, apparently unaware that he was filling my bathroom with water. I yelled "what the hell are you doing???" and he grins and says "playin in the water" so I yanked the plug out of the sink, and the kid actually throws a tantrum because I've ruined his fun. He jumps down off his stool, and proceeds to punch and kick me in the leg. I picked him up under the arms, and carried him into his mother's room. She sat up when I opened the door, and could tell by the look on my face that something wasn't right. I told her what he'd done, and when she looked at him, he said that I was stupid and that he didn't like me. I told him that he was stupid too, and that I didn't like him very much either. That sounds really childish, but believe me, that really pisses him off, and it's actually the only way you can get him to realize what he's done. So we proceeded to clean up the bathroom while he spent some quality time in his bedroom (which, by the way, comes complete with a brand new TV and DVD player that his parents bought him for Christmas!) He's THREE YEARS OLD!!! Not even, his birthday isn't until April. I didn't have a TV in my bedroom until I was like 13 or 14. This kid doesn't even know how to tie his shoes yet and he's got more gadgets than Bill Gates. This, combined with the fact that he lives on french fries and doughnuts, his aunt and I figure he's going to weigh around 190 pounds by the time he's 10 and have some sort of a heart condition.

When it comes to going to bed at night, most kids that age would be put down around what, 8 o'clock or so? This kid doesn't have a set time. Well, they put him to bed around 8, but he's up at least 4 times with excuses ranging from being sick, hungry, not tired, bored, etc etc etc. This is every night. Yes, also a common issue with kids, but he doesn't end up going to sleep until like 11 or later. It's just madness. I dunno, in retrospect it was probably a bad idea that they live with me. The original plan was that Brad move in with me (as a roommate) since he was still living with his parents. But, my roommates and I had an agreement that if either of us got a house, the other could move in, since they lived in a craphole and I lived with my parents. This was something we all came up with like 3 years ago before they even had a kid. So I guess I felt guilty that if I didn't ask them to move in, I'd be dishonouring our agreement. Plus, back then, alcohol was the most important thing on Brad's mind and he felt if he had to pay rent and bills, that he woulnd't have enough left over to get drunk. This was even before he and I started messing around too, so that factor wasn't there. And it's not like I can just tell them that they have to move out, Melissa has been my closest friend since we were babies (ironically, my parents and hers lived together before either had kids) so she's pretty much the first friend I ever had. And Stephen, although I've only been friends with him for 6 years, he's now like a brother to me. And I don't want to make it sound like I hate their kid, because I don't. He's a good kid, underneath everything else, and I've had a hand in raising him.

So I dunno, I guess I just needed to vent. I went through 22 years of having my own space in my parents' house, to having no space in my own house. It's all a part of adjustment, so I'm told. I can't help but wonder if Brad had moved in with me, if anything would have happened between us. Most likely, considering that we're both bisexual, and he claims that he's "had his eye" on me for years. It would be much more convenient if we lived together. We wouldn't have to sneak around so much; Bitch would be there a lot more, but that's okay, I guess. She's not that bad sometimes.

That all being said, I'm now going to copy-and-paste the email I received from Brad last night:

Hey,

I was gonna call u but I thought u might be busy at work. I'm just sittin here, gettin ready to go play hockey. I'm fuckin tired and don't really wanna play, but I guess they're short players and I missed Saturday's game, so I'm gonna go. I haven't really had a chance to talk to you since last week - that was fuckin awesome. Sorry about Saturday night, they were short there too and I could use the extra money. Someone said you didn't feel good anyways. I called your cell but it must have been off or something, it went rightt o voice mail. I dunno what my schedule is for this weekend yet but I'll let u know. I can't fuckin wait for you to suck my cock. that's all I thought about since last Wednesday. I dunno what you do to me but no one else has ever sucked me as good as u do. I know I've told u that before, but I've been so goddamned horny all day today and thats all I can think about. I'm gonna pay u back for that ride u gave me - it's my turn now bitch ;) I dunno what (his brother) thought when he went upstairs, he gave me a really weird look, and I went up about 20 mins later and it smelled like sex so bad (or good) in my room.. fuck it, I don' care. See if u can find out if anyone is using the camp this weekend. I'm thinkin right now that I prolly have to work Sunday morning, so see about Friday night. I think (Bitch) is goin to her moms for the weekend so that'd be perfect. Anywayz, I better get ready to go. Write me back or gimme a call when u find out what the deal is... Stay hard for me ;)
B-Rad

So that's the deal there. As far as I know, the camp is free Friday night. I haven't talked to him yet to see if he knows his schedule. My luck, he'll end up either having to work Friday night, and/or Bitch will end up not going away. You never know tho, maybe things will just go my way for once... Here's hopin'!

The drought is over...

2006-03-09T13:11:00.000-04:00

Well, apparently Brad couldn't wait for us to come up with a valid excuse to disappear for the night. Last night, he called me about 5 minutes after I left work, asking me if I could come down. I said yes, but I had to go to the bank first. He told me to hurry, and he didn't sound quite right. Sensing that something was wrong, I said "fuck the bank" and headed towards his house. All I could think all the way there was that he'd had another breakdown. But when I got there, he was sitting outside on the front step, smoking. He smiled when I got out of the car, and said "Hey there, sexy." I said hey back, and we went inside. Before I even had my shoes off, he had grabbed me from behind and pulling my shirt off. I asked what he was doing, people were here, and he said that No, everyone was gone. For the evening. I smiled, and upstairs we ran.

When we got to his bedroom, he ripped my shirt up over my head and grabbed my belt. I had taken his shirt off by now, and had his pants undone. He was at full mast when they dropped to the floor, and I wasn't far behind him. He grabbed me by the waist and threw me down on the bed, and straddled me. He had that sexy-as-fuck grin on his face, and he started jerking his cock. He sat his ass down on my now-rock hard cock and started grinding it. He was leaking pre-cum like crazy already, and had this look of pure ecstacy on his face. He glared down at me and through clenched teeth he growled "fuck me."

I reached over to his bed table and grabbed the lube and a rubber. He grabbed the rubber out of my hand and threw it back in the drawer. "Bareback. And I want you to fuckin' ram me." I grinned, and he raised up so I could lube my dick. Since I hadn't fucked him for awhile, I applied lots just to be sure. I don't think it would have mattered, though. Soon, Brad had reached under himself and positioned my cock at his ass, then proceeded to take all 8 inches in one shot. His face tightened up and his body froze, and I remember thinking "yeah, I bet that does hurt, dumbass" but he only stayed still for a few seconds. He started moving up and down, increasingly harder. In no time he was riding me like a wild horse, so hard that I had to hold his hips.

God, that felt so fucking good. It seemed like ages since we last fucked each other. With everything that has happened in the past few weeks, especially the uncertainty that this would ever happen again period. Now here we were, me spread out on his big bed, our clothes thrown practically all over the room, Brad naked and sweaty taking my cock balls deep up his sexy tight little ass. He had started moaning, too. That gets me every time, especially when he keeps looking down at me through half-closed eyes with the drops of sweat dripping off his forehead. It occurred to me that we had never fucked in his room before. I'd been in his room a million times, and it was always hotter than hell in there, which is how I like it when I fuck anyone, as hot as it can be. Sweat fetish or something, I dunno. But he just kept bouncing up and down, harder every time, moaning nothing in particular, just swearing, telling me how big my cock felt up his ass, how he'd missed my cock, missed "us" altogether. He said something about how he loved it when I fucked him missionary style, so without hesitation I pushed him back onto his back, barely missing a beat. I grabbed his calves and put his legs on my shoulders and rammed my cock back into him all the way. He gasped loud, and went "ohhhhhhh yeahhhh". I was holding myself up over him, sweat dripping down onto him. He swung his arms outward so they took out mine, and I fell down onto him, hard enough for me to think that maybe I would crack a rib or something. He grabbed both sides of my head and pushed his tongue down my throat. I kept thrusting hard into him, and now I could feel his cock between us, sliding around from the sweat and pre-cum. I pulled away from his kiss, and started biting on his left ear and his neck. He spread his legs out as far as they would go, and grabbed my back. He ran his nails from the middle outwards, down my sides. He was digging in hard, but I didn't care. I didn't give a shit if he drew blood, as long as I could fuck him forever. I couldn't get enough, I had to keep fucking him harder and harder.

I pulled out of him and I told him to get on his hands and knees. As he moved, he grabbed his cock and started jerking it. I told him not to touch it, that I would take care of that too. When he was ready (not fast enough, in my opinion) I stuffed my cock all the way back in him again. He groaned loudly as I apparently hit some different nerves than I was before. He leaned forward then pushed himself back onto my cock. He was rocking just as hard as I was thrusting. I grabbed him by the back of his shoulders and leaned over him, biting his neck again. He kept hissing "harder, harder" so I raised myself back up and grabbed his hips and plowed him as hard as I could. For some strange reason, whenever I get over being sick, all I want to do for like 2 weeks afterwards is fuck every single thing I can get my hands on. I'm talking like all day, every day. I can jerk off 2, 3 times a day and still need to fuck some sort of a hole. And last night, Brad was really giving me a run for my money. He kept squeezing his ass around my cock as tight as he could, moaning so loud, telling me to fuck him harder and harder, and now, with my hands on his hips literally plowing him into the headboard, it still wasn't hard enough. I reached under him with my right hand and furiously started pumping his neglected hardon, which was dripping more pre-cum than I had ever seen from him before.

There was something so exciting about fucking Brad in his bed. I don't know if it was because we said we could never do this at his house, and even though there was nobody there last night, anyone could have dropped in like people always do there. And it's not like we were quietly humping behind closed doors. His door was wide open, and here we were, 2 sweaty horny guys, faces bright red, tangled up in each other, the blankets soaked in our sweat, me banging his brains out, while we both moaned and groaned and swore.

I honestly don't think I have ever fucked anyone, male or female, harder than I fucked Brad last night. And that's saying a lot. Brad and I have fucked hard before. My ex, bitch that she is/was, really knew what she was doing when it came to riding my cock. She was kinky... Hmm, now that I think about fucking her again, I think I could forgive a lot of the bullshit just to have her again. Or her and Brad at the same time... Now there's an idea...

Okay, I've gotten off topic. So by now, we've been going at it about 45 minutes. I'm just starting to get close, and Brad says that he's getting really close. I love what he does with his ass when he cums, I can't really explain it. It's something that no one else has ever done with me, but I knew if he came right now, that I would too. He started breathing heavier, and I felt his cock harden even more in my hand. Suddenly his ass clenched around my cock, and I felt his cum spurt out of his cock. He made this sound in his throat that sounded so animalistic, and I pulled almost all the way out of him and shoved back in. He did that thing with his ass, and I went off. It felt like a million fireworks going off at once. I had my teeth clenched, but I couldn't hold it back. I just screamed "fuuuuuuuck!!!" and fell onto Brad's back, clawing his shoulders, and he let himself fall flat onto the bed, pulling me down onto him, my cock still in his ass. After what seemed like an hour, my orgasm subsided, and I didn't think I could move. I just laid there, on top of Brad, both of us panting like 2 chain smokers who just ran the Boston Marathon. The rush to the head I had was so great I couldn't even open my eyes. I was kissing Brads neck from behind, him still moaning. My right hand was still underneath him, and his cum was mixing with his sweat and had started to dry. Finally I rolled off of him, and laid beside him so we were looking at each other.

"Jesus, that was wild" Brad said, grinning.
"Unh huhh" was all I could manage for a reply, still breathing heavy.

Brad laughed, and told me to get up so we could go shower before someone showed up. We both jumped in to save time, and got cleaned up quickly just in case someone had come in. Right before he shut the water off, he grabbed my face again and kissed me like he had upstairs.

"Thanks. You have no idea how bad I needed that." He told me
"Oh, I have a pretty good idea" I said with a grin.

We toweled off, and went back upstairs to search for our clothes. As I was pulling my jeans on, I heard his brother's car pull in the driveway. I threw my shirt on and was just pulling it down as I walked down the stairs. Brad was right behind me, and his brother came around the corner and started up the stairs. He kinda gave us a weird look, and just said "hi" and kept going. I personally think he knows what's going on between us too, but like Bitch, has never actually said anything, so we let it go. Brad and I had a cigarette before I left, and he gave me a wink as I got in the car. He walked over, and I rolled down the window.

"Thanks again, don't make any plans for Saturday night. I have to work Sunday morning, but I might be able to work something out." He said.

"Alright," I said, smiling. "Let me know. I'll be ready." I replied.

So needless to say, I slept damn good last night. But once again, I woke up horny as hell this morning. I guess it's a good side effect I always get after I've been sick, but I thought the aftereffects of last night would tie me over a little longer than 12 hours... I shouldn't complain though. Someday I'm going to get old and not be able to get it up at all... Hopefully someday far far away... I think I need to give my ex a call, and be very very nice to her.

Settling Dust

2006-03-08T11:15:00.000-04:00

What a freakin' week this has been since my last post! I left for Connecticut on Thursday afternoon, with a cold. The border patrol searched my car before they'd let me cross, then I had to register with Immigration too. After driving for eight hours, I certainly felt no better when we finally got there. It snowed from Mass. down, so eight hours was pretty good time I guess. Friday morning when I woke up, I felt even worse, so I doubled my dose of medication, which in the end, proved pretty effective :)

It turns out that Brad's "thing" he had to do was go to his first one-on-one meeting with his addiction councellor. Needless to say I felt really bad when I found that tidbit out, for being about half-pissed off when he said he couldn't drive me over Thursday afternoon. Anyways, I left him my spare set of keys and he got a drive over later that night and picked my car up for me. He called my cell to let me know he had gotten it, around 10 p.m. Thursday night. Before he hung up, he said that he had to talk to me about something when I got back, and never went in to any other detail, so of course that's what I thought about all weekend.

I called him Sunday to let him know that we were running late, and if I wasn't back before he had to go to work, just to take my car and I'd get a ride to his work and pick it up there. So when I got to his work, I grabbed a hardhat and went inside the factory where he works (and I used to work, so I knew where I was going) He had this big smile on his face when I walked up the stairs to where he was watching security monitors. It was loud in there, and another guy was lurking around so I knew we couldn't talk here. Plus I was still sick, and exhausted and just wanted to go home, unpack, and go to bed. But when Brad saw me, he told me I looked like shit; I said the same to him because he was also sick. He asked how my weekend was, and I kinda downplayed it because, despite being sick, it was pretty fun. I purposely left out the part about getting completely shitfaced Saturday night to curb my cold symptoms, and Brad picked up on that right away.

"You get drunk at all?" He asked me.
"No, didn't really feel like it, plus I was meeting new, influential people so I wanted to leave a fairly good impression..." I replied.

"Did you?" I asked him with a sheepish look on my face.
"No," he grinned "but I sure wanted to Saturday night. Just because it was Saturday night, but I didn't. That's all I dreamt about all night..." He said, looking down.

"Man, that's normal. That's the first Saturday night in years that you haven't got drunk." I told him.

Then he sighed, "Man, this is hard. Like, I know I've quit before, but I never said anything about being an alcoholic and now I have these courses and meetings to go to and every time I have nothing to do, that's all I think about doing (meaning drinking) and now all I want to do is work to keep myself busy. The weekends are the worst, like every Friday night, what did we used to do? You'd pick me up, and we'd get drunk. Saturday, I'd roll outta bed around noon and do it all over again and it just became a habit that got harder and harder to break and now nothing seems the same. Mom and dad treat me different, better but different, and (Bitch) won't leave me alone, she's always on my back asking if I want anything, if I wanna do this or do that and I just want her to leave me alone, and Saturday night she was really bad, and I just wanted to go somewhere quiet but no one else was there to get me out of the house" and when he said that, he gave me this weird look.

"Are you mad because I went away for the weekend?" I asked him.

He said "Well, no I'm not mad, I knew you had that trip planned, and I had to work all weekend anyways, but Saturday night I just wanted to go... to th'... I wanted to go to the camp."

"Oh." I said to him. "Well, we can go to the camp anytime you want, you know that, right?" I asked him.

"Yeah, maybe we could..." He started, but the lurker had moved back to the desk next to us.

"I need to go out back and check some stuff. I'll give you a call Tuesday night. I have to work the day shift that day but then I'm off until Saturday again." He told me.

"Okay, gimme a call." I said, then turned and walked down the stairs. He was following me, and as we turned the corner at the bottom, he grabbed my ass. When I turned around, he put his hand lightly on my crotch.

"We need to go SOON." Brad whispered, and winked at me.

I smiled, and promised him we would go somewhere as soon as possible.

When I got to my car, I discovered that Brad had washed it, cleaned the interior up a bit, filled the gas tank, and rewired my rear speakers (which had been bugging him for months because one of them was vibrating). Man, he'd worked all weekend, and still found time to do all this. He really must have needed to keep busy! The car smelled like him. I hadn't realized how bad I actually missed him all weekend until I saw him. Now my car smelled like him. All I could think about while I was gone was if he was breaking down, drinking again, and if not, where he realized he had to change his life drastically if we would keep "us" going. It sounds selfish but a part of me was wishing that things could just stay the same, I could put up with his drinking as long as we would still fuck. I feel horrible for thinking that, but that's how strongly I felt. But now, apparently he still wanted to do it, so I wasn't going to object by any means.

So hopefully this weekend we will get a trip to the cabin in. The only problem is, if we told Bitch where we were going, and that she couldn't go, that would pretty much give it away. And if we just disappeared like we used to, people would think that
a. we had no doubt gone to get drunk somewhere, and
b. that we were shackin' up for sure

So we'll have to work something out... Because Brad's right. We do have to go somewhere soon. VERY soon.

Cold Medication ROCKS

2006-03-02T10:20:00.000-04:00

So I've had this trip to Connecticut planned for weeks. I've been so excited, and wouldn't you know, the day before I'm supposed to leave, I get sick. I haven't had any type of illness for over a year, and the one weekend I have actual cemented plans, I get sick. It's just fucking magical. However, I've stocked up on every type of cold medication readily available, and last night before bed, I made myself a nice cocktail. Needless to say, I slept like a frickin' baby all night, and I'm still a little giddy here at work today. Therefore, with my throat sore and my head achey, I will plunge into the various insignificant things that have pissed me off so far today:

- Mariah Carey needs to just GO AWAY. Yes, dear, you were big in the 90's. Well, the 90's are sooo over. Suck it up. Your one attempt at filmmaking pretty much ruined whatever credibility you had left, and this pathetic Princess/Diva act you got goin' on is more irritating than ANYTHING.

- Why is it so goddamn cold??? I know this is Canada, but seriously. It's like -30 degrees outside!!! That's not normal. Especially when I wore nothing but a t-shirt and sleep pants on Christmas Day. This is the second day of March for chrissakes, and my car wouldn't even start yesterday morning.

- I asked Brad if he could drive me over to my point of departure, and to take my car for the weekend so I wouldn't have to leave it unattended (something I don't care to do). So then I find out that he has someplace else to be, and no one else is available to take me over. So in order for me not to leave my car in a strange place with the risk of it getting towed, I need to leave work earlier than expected so he can be on time for his whatever he's doing.

- I'm sick. I'm going on vacation, and I'm sick. Enough said. Even though I already said it above...

My head is spinning in a very nice way. I'm really enjoying the feeling of all the different types of medication mixing together. It's going to make that 8 hour drive seem not so bad. I've only eaten soup for the last 36 hours, and believe you me, I AM HUNGRY. There's not much point in eating anything else; I can't taste anything except the horrible taste you get when you have a cold. Fuck I hate being sick...

The medicine is doing weird things to my mind. I can no longer remember all the things I wanted to blog about... So I'm off until next Monday. I'll let y'all in on the details of my trip after I get back.

Have a good one!

Intervention

2006-02-27T09:19:00.000-04:00

Well, my weekend was insane. Like, I don't mean good parties, drunk for two days, I mean literally INSANE. There was absolutely NOTHING to do Friday night - I worked an hour later, went home, and sat in front of the TV until I went to bed at 11. BOO!! All of my friends were either sick or broke, Brad was working, it sucked. Saturday wasn't so boring, but by the time all was said and done, I wished it could have been as dull as Friday.

After wondering all morning about what to do that night, I finally decided that since I'm going to Connecticut this weekend, I should try to save some money. Then I thought of the camp. I could go to the camp, relax, and spend very little money. Then a wonderful thought occured to me. I would ask Brad to come to the camp also ;) So I called him, and found out that he was supposed to work that night, but had already called in sick. I told him I was going to the cabin, alone, and that he was more than welcome to come. He said sure, that he was going on a snowmobile ride for the afternoon but when he got back fom that, he'd come right out. I asked what time I should expect him, and he said not late, probably between 7 and 8.

So I went out to the camp around 4 that afternoon, and got the power hooked up, and the fire built. Expecting all that to consume the better part of an hour, I was amazed that I had accomplished all of that in less than 10 minutes. So there I stood, on the porch that's built out over the side-hill, and stared at the brook and the trees beyond it. I was bored already. Here I was, alone, and Brad wouldn't be here for another 3 or 4 hours. What to do, what to do. Long story short, I occupied myself by doing small mundane tasks.

7 o'clock came and went. 8 o'clock also passed. Still no Brad. I wondered why he hadn't called. I checked my cell for voicemail, then realized that it was shut off. So I turned it on, and called his cell. No answer. I didn't think much of it, if he was on his way here, he'd never hear his cell ringing over the sound of his snowmobile. But at 9:30 when he still wasn't there, I kinda worried a little. I knew that he would be drinking, and he'd been too lucky lately drinking and driving. So by 10:15 when he still wasn't there, hadn't called, and I couldn't get an answer from his phone, I called Bitch. I really didn't want to, and wouldn't dream of telling her where I was calling from, but I just had this awful feeling like something bad had happened. And it had.

As soon as she picked up the phone, all I could hear was this loud sobbing. I could barely understand her, but I managed to pick out "...couldn't find you anywhere...you need to come out here...gone crazy" and the second I heard "gone crazy" my heart jumped into my throat. I hung up the phone and ran to the car. I drove so fast out of the camp road, had to stop and unlock the gate to get through, and the lock was frozen. I fucked around with that for at least 5 minutes, when it finally popped. Brad lived only about 10 minutes from there, and I think I may have made it out there in less than five. I ran inside, and it was totally quiet. I walked through the kitchen, and right before I walked into the living room, I heard Brad crying, and he said "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry". I walked quietly through the living room and down the hallway towards the bathroom. When I walked past the gun cabinet in the hallway, I noticed one of the glass doors had been smashed. A gun was missing. The bathroom door was closed, and all I could hear was Brad crying and saying he was sorry. I could hear nothing else. My adrenaline was off the charts as I reached for the doorknob, and just like in the movies, right before I opened the door, expecting to see Bitch laying in a pool of her own blood, I heard her say "Oh Jesus, it's just a scratch. Calm down." I stopped. Then I almost laughed at myself for thinking Brad had murdered Bitch. Then I got mad, wondering what in the hell was going on. I threw the door open, both of them screamed, and there they stood, Bitch's arm covered in blood, Brad sitting on the bathtub holding a shotgun. I just lifted my hands up, as if to say "What the fuck, guys???" Brad looked like hell. Bitch looked at me, then at him holding the gun. She was cleaning her arm off in the sink, and she turned back to me. I must have had this look of rage in my eyes, because she went "Oh, no no no, it was an accident. Brad, it's okay babe, it's just an accident." Brad couldn't stop sobbing, and Bitch looked at me and said "You need to stay here with him. I have to go to the hospital to get this looked at." I just nodded, still not sure what was going on. She walked out, and before I followed, I turned and looked at the gun. There was a trigger lock on it. Bitch must have read my mind, because she said "I have the key to the lock right here." So I followed her out to the front door.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I asked her
"He came home drunk, of course, and was in a rage over something. He's down on himself because he feels like a failure, and he said there was only one thing to do about it. He went to the gun cabinet, and when he took the gun out, the butt hit the glass and broke it. He went in the bathroom, and when I went in after him, I didn't know the gun had a lock on it, and I grabbed the end of the barrel. I forgot about the sight on the end, and when Brad pulled the gun out of my hand, the sight cut me. It was an accident. But I need to go to the hospital and get it looked at. PLEASE stay here with him, try to talk to him."

I said okay, and she left. I couldn't stop shaking, and I walked back in the bathroom. He was still sitting exactly how he was when I left him, and as soon as I sat down beside him, he handed me the gun. I took it and put it back in the case. I went back to him. I sat down beside him again, and before I could say anything, he totally collapsed onto me, and he was crying so hard. I just hugged him, still not completely sure as to what was going on. He calmed down a bit after 5 or 10 minutes, and I picked him up.

"What's wrong, man? You know you can tell me anything. What happened?"

He took a deep breath, and said "I hope you've got some time, you're the only one here to listen to me. First of all, I'm an alcoholic..." and then he started crying again. I just let him go. On some level, we've all known Brad has a drinking problem, but no one could say it but him. And he finally said it. He cried for another 5 minutes or so, and then said he needed a cigarette. So we went to smoke, and after he'd inhaled 2 cigarettes, he seemed to be very calm. We went back inside, and he sat me down, and then sat himself across from me. He explained everything, how he was an alcoholic, and how he'd realized it a few months ago, but then got so depressed over it, he tried to drink that away. Then it was how he and his father had a shitty relationship, and he felt bad about doing something terrible to his grandparents when he was 14, and even though they'd forgiven him, he never felt like he'd made it up to them before they both died last year. He felt bad because his brother is so successful and Brad hasn't really accomplished anything since high school, which isn't true, but he's constantly comparing himself to his brother. Then it was how most of his problems stemmed from Bitch, but she was really the only person who could keep him grounded too, so he felt screwed there. Then we started whatever it is we started, and he had all these new feelings for me he never had before, and this piled on top of everything else just gave him so much to think about, and once again, he turned to alcohol. Then tonight, he was sick of dealing with everything and figured the easiest thing to do for everyone was just kill himself. He just said everything that was on his mind, which is what I've been trying to get him to do for so long, and you could see the relief in his eyes, the more he told me. We must have sat there for over an hour. Then he took me out to the garage where he keeps his snowmobile. I walked in, and it had been wrecked. He had done that on his way to the camp, and when he flew off, he dazed himself, and the only way he could remember to go was home. It wasn't a bad wreck, but you could tell he'd hit something. We went back inside, and together we dumped all of his beer out. He handed me the key to his snowmobile, and said "You need to keep that thing away from me for awhile. I need a major lifestyle change." He started panicking when he saw the broken glass and the blood all over the place, but I told him to lie down on the couch; I'd clean everything up. I did, and by the time I was done, he had come down the hall to see how I was doing. I told him I had finished, and he wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck. I turned around, and he kissed me again, on the lips. When he pulled back, he said "Thanks. I've got a long ways to go yet, and I need you and (Bitch) both behind me."

I nodded, and told him that everything he needed to do, he had to do himself. No one was going to carry him anywhere. But, speaking for myself only, I would be right behind him the entire time, supporting him. By that time, Bitch had come back, with 7 stitches in her hand. Brad still looked like shit, and he said he needed to go to bed, and would we come and sit with him. We both said yes, and after he got in bed, he started crying again. She laid down beside him, but he still kept weeping. She waved her hand at me, and pointed to the bed. I got up, and walked over to her.
"Lay down beside him. He might go to sleep then." So I crawled over top of both of them, and laid down beside him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him so bad, but I knew I couldn't. I stayed on my back, Brad was on his side, facing away from me. I pushed myself up against him, and within 2 minutes, he had drifted off to sleep. I lay awake for at least an hour, and I could tell by her beathing that she was still awake too. Neither of us said anything to each other. When I woke up the next morning, someone, most likely her, had thrown a blanket over all of us, and they were still both sound asleep. If I had tried to get out of bed, I would've woken both of them up, and when I looked at my watch, I saw it was only 7:30. So I laid back down. Brad had turned in the night, and was facing me. She was on her back with both of her hands up on her chest. When I laid back down, I turned to look at Brad, and I saw his eyes open. He gave me a small smile, and mouthed the word "Mornin'". I smiled back, and whispered "Mornin'" back to him. Then he mouthed "Thank you" to me, and I whispered "You're welcome". He asked what time it was, and he rolled his eyes when I told him it was only 7:30. He closed his eyes again, as did I. Then I felt his hand touch mine. His fingers opened, and he took ahold of my hand. He pulled it in close to him, down by his stomach. I thought for a minute that he was trying something, with her right beside us both, but he wasn't. He just held my hand there. I whispered "It's gonna be alright. We're all here for you" and then I listened to him breathe until I drifted off to sleep again.

Sunday was rough. Brad's parents came home from a weekend outing, not knowing anything that had gone on. His dad flew off the handle, of course, when he saw the gun cabinet smashed, and it took us all to explain what had happened, and what was going to happen. It was an all-day ordeal. Her mother kicked Bitch out, in a weird way. She told her that it was for her own good, it wasn't anything against her. She could do so much better. Knowing that they were probably going to kick me out next, I gathered up every ounce of nerve I could find. Brad's father is intimidating enough, but his mother doesn't take any shit off anyone, either. Sure enough, after his dad yelled some more, they walked towards me. His mom said "I think it's a good idea that maybe you leave too. And since you're probably the biggest 'drinkin' buddy' he has, maybe you should stay away for awhile." My face felt like it was on fire. I stood up, looked her square in the eye, and said "I am a drinking buddy by choice. More importantly, I'm a friend. I don't need to drink to be around him. I grew up next to Brad and I'll be Goddamned if anyone is going to tell me that I can't see him through this." and with that, I left. I drove around all afternoon, didn't answer my cell phone. Around 7 Sunday night, I checked my voicemail. 3 were from Brad, the last one saying that he was going to work, to call him there. I did, and he said after I left, his father told his mother that I was right. They had a long conversation, talked everything over, and Brad calling a rehab centre today. He apoligized for Saturday night; I apoligized for yelling at his mom, we laughed, and then he started to cry again. I told him that everything I said was true, we were all supporting him. I said how proud I was of him that he could admit this himself, and not to worry, everything was going to be fine. He calmed down again, and I let him go. I drove back to his house, walked in and apoligized to his mom. We talked for awhile, discovering that we were in fact on the same page. I left there, and went home, and went to bed. I slept better last night knowing that things were going to change for the better.

So that was my weekend. My best friend is an alcoholic. He's going into rehab. This week. Quite possibly today. But he's going to be a better person, who won't try to hurt himself anymore, and I had never realized what was going on completely until I saw that gun in his hand Saturday night. I also realized that if I'm going to be there for him every step of the way, my lifestyle has to change too. To me, that's a small price to pay in order to see someone I love more than almost anyone else, happy with himself.

Confirmation

2006-02-22T10:04:00.000-04:00

Well, last night I finally got to see Brokeback Mountain. I had read the story a few times before, so I knew what goes on. However, movies always go into greater detail with things, and are generally understood better (by me, anyways) when one can physically "see" what's going on.

Surely, by now you all know that I believe that there is an uncanny resemblance to this story and what is going on with me and Brad. Seeing this movie only further confirmed this theory. That being said, I will now compare the two, to show y'all just how much there is in common. It's borderline-creepy:

-> From the start, you can tell Jack is clearly attracted to Ennis, by the way he positions himself alongside the truck while they wait for Joe Aguirre. I have always been attracted to Brad, while (as far as I know) he never knew until I told him. I've always said that of the two, I'm definitely the "Jack". I'm more open to what's going on, while Brad fits Ennis to a T. He's hesitant, unsure, reluctant, but always gives in.

-> The first few scenes of the guys at main camp are great. There is half-hearted flirting on Jack's part, as he tries to get Ennis to open up more. The first time Brad and I took off to my cabin (before anything had happened between us), was basically the same. We sat there for hours by the fire, drinking, talking, laughing, and I wanted him sooo bad that night, but couldn't get up the courage to say or do anything. Even after we took a midnight skinny-dip in the brook, and sat by the fire afterwards wearing nothing but small towels, I still couldn't gather the courage to be honest with him. Brad has since asked me why I never tried anything that night; had I, he would have been receptive since he had the same feelings as me. *frusterated sigh*

-> The tent scene. For the record, Ennis was a little rough for it being a first time. Poor Jack. That was kinda similar, but not enough to be significant. Jack is clearly the instigator here. He grabs Ennis' hand, and wraps it around himself. Then when Ennis realizes what's going on, he pulls away for a split second, then caves. The night I told Brad that I was bisexual, I said nothing about being attracted to him. Then when he told me he was bi too, I knew something was going to happen. I thought it, and he said it: Even though it may wreck our friendship, you know damn well it's going to happen sooner or later, so it might as well be now. He kinda made it sound like it was something that we had to do, just because we were both into guys. After I got frusterated enough with him, I stood up, knocking the chair over, whipped around the table, grabbed his head probably a bit too hard, and kissed him. I never gave him a choice. I held onto his head so tight he couldn't have pulled away if he wanted to. But he didn't. When I felt his tongue in my mouth, I knew that we'd crossed the threshold, and things would never be the same. When I finally broke the kiss, I looked down at him. My heart was beyond racing, I don't know how I was even still standing up. He was smiling up at me, with this look of pure excitement in his eyes. "Wow" he whispered. "There's one hell of an ice-breaker."

-> Naturally, Brad and I had the same awkward stage where I couldn't be around him enough and he didn't want to be around me at all, which damn near resulted in us beating the shit out of each other. This was the week after "the first time", but before I realized I was falling in love with him. I knew things would be awkward, but in my opinion, you have to confront the problem head on, and get it out of the way. Brad thinks the opposite: that if you ignore something long enough it will go away. Jack and Ennis, luckily, had to be away from each other, as per their respective jobs, but it was painfully obvious that they missed each other.

-> At the end of the summer, when the boys had to go their seperate ways, it damn near killed them. Ennis was sick to his stomach, Jack couldn't stop crying. When Brad told me he was moving across the country, I couldn't shake the pit in my stomach. I couldn't stand to look at him, but at the same time I wanted him to be with me as much as possible before he left. (He still hasn't left, and he talks about it less and less, and more about staying here; making plans for summer, etc.)

-> Ennis tells Jack that he and Alma are getting married the following November. Jack has no one, and wants Ennis to himself. Brad is with Bitch, and as bad as they treat each other, they love each other a lot. They will get married someday, I realize that. It won't last, mind you, but ah well. Basically, no matter how bad Ennis wants to be with Jack, he knows his place is with Alma. A la Brad and Bitch.

-> Jack wants the two of them to go away, and be together. Well, as of right now, I would accept that, gladly. Ennis is reluctant; he believes his place is with his family, not because he wants to, but because he has to. He has accepted his fate, he'll never be anything other than a ranch hand, no matter how miserable he may be. I believe that you make your own destiny. Brad on the other hand believes that you're stuck with the cards you're dealt.

-> Here's a short & simple one: They have their own special place where they go to be with each other, away from prying eyes: Brokeback Mountain. Brad and I have my cabin. With a lockable iron gate at the mouth of the road. 'Nuff said.

-> Ennis' wife, Alma, suspects something from nearly the start. The weirdest look comes over her face when she and Ennis are gettin' down, and he flips her over onto her stomach. It's funny. Brad's girlfriend, Bitch, has always suspected something. The first night we slept together, I awoke the next morning naked, alongside a naked Brad. For whatever reason, I got up to get a glass of water. While I'm standing at the sink, Bitch's car pulls in the driveway. So I quickly made it look as if I had slept on the couch, but when she went in to wake Brad up, she found him naked, with his clothes (along with an article or two of mine) strewn all over the room. It was obvious that Brad hadn't just gone to bed, undressed, and laid down. Plus, it was at a friends' house that I was watching for the weekend, so it looked weird that I had slept on the couch and Brad had gotten the master bedroom. And just like Alma, she confronts Ennis about it (eventually) but is always very civil to Jack (on the few occasions she meets him). Bitch makes remarks to Brad constantly about his "boyfriend" (me) but is always pleasant to me to my face. If only I could see her as little as Jack sees Alma...

-> Jack & Ennis are constantly paranoid about people finding out about them, for fear of their own safety; others opinions, and general disapproval of homosexuality moreso back in the 60's & 70's, than today. However, Brad and I have both gone through periods of thinking everyone knows about us. We've since talked about that, realized that no one has actual proof, and until they do, "it's all a viscous rumour".

-> Because of the risk involved, the boys cannot be together all the time. they cannot plan their trips out, they need to be totally spontaneous, resulting in them only hooking up every few months or so. Much the same with us. If we snuck off too often, people would get very suspicious, and it wouldn't take long before someone catches us in the act. So we have to control ourselves until neither of us can take it anymore (which makes for a GOOOOOD time when the time comes). This is funny because Brad once said that us running off at 3 in the morning, driving to the cabin in the woods, ripping each others' clothes off, and just fucking each others brains out was a lot more fun than knowing you're going to bed at home, and have so-so sex with whoever (no shit!)

-> In the movie, Jack freaks out on Ennis, and says "You might be okay with all this, but I can't get by on a coupla' high altitude fucks every few months" Which I have told Brad before. My exact words were (keep in mind I said this to him long before this movie ever came out): "If you only want to fuck me when you're drunk, and even then every 6 months or so, that's fine for you. But I'm not your little whore you can call whenever you want your dick sucked. I want it all the time, and you're not the only guy I can get it from". The look on his face when he realized that this wasn't all because of him. (Brad can be a little conceited sometimes)

-> The final point, is whenever they are apart for any period of time, they are so overjoyed when they finally do see each other. Brad and I spend a lot of time together, and sometimes, like any friendship, we get sick of each other. But if even 4 or 5 days go by (which doesn't happen often) we are so happy to be around one another again, because I'm really the only perosn who understands Brad, and vice versa.

Hopefully, we won't have an ending like they did. Especially since I'm "Jack" and if you've seen the movie, you know his outcome. I know in a perfect world, I could have everything I want, but it's not. It was just so weird to watch this played out on screen, and whether or not you think there are very strong similarities between this story and my situation, I do. It was as if I was having my future told to me. Up to the point in the movie where Brad and I are now made perfect sense, but neither of us knows what going to happen tomorrow. Watching this was like guidance, or advice on what could happen; what to be aware of. Brokeback Mountain doesn't have a happy ending, I'll say that much. As moving as it was, I don't want that to happen to Brad and I. But at least now I know how things will be if we continue on the path that we're on. Leading a double life is hard, especially in a judgemental environment like in which Brad and I live. Jack and Ennis went through this in the mid-West, in the 60's. There was no such thing as a gay cowboy back then, and if anyone dared admit to it, their fate was sealed. You have to make a choice at some point. And I realize that if I do love Brad, it's probably best I tell him now while he's here. No one knows, he might die tomorrow, or I might die. Nobody knows for sure. Ennis waited too long. By the time he realized that he could be with Jack, forever, it was too late. Hopefully that doesn't happen, but it's hard enough to say something like that to someone you've been friends with your whole life. I know Brad and I fuck, but it's different when the word "love" comes into the picture. He's asked me before, and I've denied it so far. Hopefully soon I'll gather enough courage to be honest with him, and myself, but only time will tell.

Let me know what you guys think, I'm curious to see someone else's point of view.

Rage

2006-02-16T15:09:00.000-04:00

Well, after I got home from work last night, guess who was there, again. That's right, ole' Bitch herself. I didn't even have my shoes off, and she's in my face, asking me "what happened last night?" When I asked her what she meant by "what happened?" she replied with a cold "Everything." I looked around, both of my roommates, Drew, Brad's sister (a.k.a. Bitch's partner in crime) were all sitting in the kitchen, all looking at me. I literally felt like a deer in the headlights. Really, nothing had happened. We left the bar, talked for a few hours, and I dropped Brad off. That was it. Bitch says, "Well? What happened?" I just looked at her and said that nothing had "happened", I drove him home, and I came home and went to bed. Then she asked what took 3 hours, and I pretty much ignored the question. She wouldn't leave me alone, so finally I grabbed my keys, and before I stormed out the door, I made sure I had her backed into a corner.

"You have some fucking nerve coming into my house and talking to me the way you have been lately. And I'm starting to get really sick of it. I really don't give a shit what you want to say about me behind my back, but this is the one place where your little attitude gets checked at the door. That's my rule, and that goes for everyone. Anyone who doesn't like that rule, there's the door. And as for you 'crashing' here whenever you goddamn well feel like it, this isn't a fucking hotel. You have your own house, stay the fuck there once in awhile."

So then, she said something about her not coming to visit me, she was here to visit my roommate, and she could come and go as long as it was okay with my roommate. So I turned to my roommate, who is usually pretty opinionated, but had (wisely) kept her mouth shut. I asked her whose house this was. She said "Yours". I asked her whose name was on the 60-some mortgage papers that took 2 hours to sign. She said "Yours". So I turned and looked at Bitch again, and said "Guess who sunk themselves thousands of dollars in debt so he could have a nice place to live? Me. I guess that means that I make the rules around here. (roommate) and (rommmate) have no problems here, we get along great, things go pretty smoothly, so really it seems that any problems, past present or future that come between me and them, is a direct result of you sticking your goddamn nose in where it doesn't belong. I suggest that unless you want to be blamed for them having to find another place to live, you quit what you're doing right now. And don't think for one second that I'm half as pissed off now as I will be when you drive a wedge between me and my friends like that."

And with that, I blew past her and slammed the door on the way out. I got in the car and drove around up town for awhile, and headed home when I saw her car sitting at a restaurant in town. When I got home, I apoligized to my roommates, saying that I wasn't going to kick them out, and I wasn't in any way mad at them. I just told Melissa that she had to understand how Bitch was acting, and as long as she wasn't in my house, I had no control over what she says, but I won't put up with that here. Melissa agreed with me, and everything was cool. Other than that, I had a pretty normal night. I searched for tax receipts, to no avail, but ended up finding a lot of crap that was saved for some unknown reason, and now I have 2 empty drawers in my dresser.

Today, I find out that Brad didn't come home last night. He was apparently just as mad at Bitch for all the things she's been saying, which is fine, but it's now 4 p.m. and no one has heard from him yet. So I can't help but be a little worried. I KNOW he was drunk, and on his snowmobile last night, and that he has a hockey game at 7:30 tonight. So I'm going to wait until then, and if he doesn't show up for his game, I guess the search is on. No one, and I mean NO ONE else is worried whatsoever. I dunno, maybe I shouldn't be either. That might let him know that I'm not the one who's going to come running every time something happens. But, like I said, I didn't ask for any of this to happen. I didn't ask to have these feelings, nor can I do anything about them. They're there, so I guess I need to be there too. Hope he's alright though. You'll know either way by tomorrow.

--> (Follow Up): Brad had ran into his uncle at the bar, who in turn took the key to his snowmobile and forced him to stay the night at his house. He had called Brad's mother to let her know, and she has a poor habit of not sharing information with anyone. So he was okay after all, and not really "missing".

Confusion

2006-02-15T10:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I hate that day. Not because I'm single, or anything, I've just always thought of it as a stupid Hallmark holiday. So once again, I expected to go home and do nothing. Actually, I was going to offer to watch my roommates' son, so they could go out for dinner or something, but the little guy's aunt already beat me to it. So I'm home about half an hour, when I hear Brad's snowmobile drive in. Bitch had already called and asked if I'd seen him, and I said no. Apparently they were supposed to go out for dinner, and Brad went M.I.A. She was on her way to my place anyways, because she and my female roommate were planning on doing something later. Long story short, she and Brad ended up getting in a fight after she got there, and their dinner plans were cancelled. She took off with my roommate, and Brad and I decided we would go to the bar and play pool.

At around 11:30, I decided it was time to head home, as I had to get up for work. We drove back to my house, and I asked what Brad planned to do for the night. He had too much to drink, and didn't really feel like driving home, so I offered to give him a drive. He accepted, and off we went. We talked the whole way about "us", and what all was going on. He made sure that I understood that Bitch had figured everything out, yet still had no actual proof. I said yes, that I knew that, and that as stupid as she generally was, she had figured this out pretty quickly. He also told me that the rumour about us had spread. Apparently, the night of his grandmothers' funeral, when I was sitting with Brad, Bitch, Brad's family, etc. and just chatting, Bitch got up from her seat and went to talk to some friends in another part of the chapel. So the "story" goes, I glared at her, then looked at Brad and said "You need to get rid of her. You'd be so much better off with me" and apparently Brad agreed with me. Now, I know some of you are thinking that I probably did say that, but I didn't. I've thought it a good many times, but I would never say that out loud, especially in a crowded funeral home, surrounded by his family. Bitch had brought this rumour to Brad's attention, when she heard it from Brad's cousin, who heard it from Brad's uncle, who I remember quite well was sitting damn near all the way across the room from us all night. So therefore, Bitch has gotten tired of making up her own stories, and is now blaming other people for starting them. She also has no problem repeating them to everyone she comes into contact with, and has made it quite clear that her sole mission in life now is to alienate all of my friends, and it's no doubt a matter of time until she moves into my family. Keep in mind, I live in a small town. Homosexuality, and bisexuality for that matter, simply isn't tolerated around here at all. Brad and I have both agreed this would be so much easier if we were in a big city where no one cared, but neither of us wants to leave the ones we love behind. I could tell he was very uneasy, so I had to bite the bullet and lie through my teeth, which I hate to do. I told him flat out that I was not in love with him. This was all just sex to me, and I never intended for any of this "mess" to happen, and anything he heard from anyone else was bullshit. Then he looked at me with this empty look in his eyes, and said he felt uncomfortable around me now, that things weren't like they were before this all started, and everything that everyone was saying was bothering him. Not because they were saying it about him, but about me.

This kind of surprised me, because really, people have always thought that I was gay, even when I had girlfriends in high school, and it pretty much died out when I was with my ex-fiancee-to-be for a couple of years, but after we broke up, and I got very unlucky in love, it started all over again. By now, I had accepted myself and didn't care what anyone else thought, and I was just worried about people thinking Brad was gay too. So basically, while I was trying to protect him, he was trying to protect me, and in the end, we both got screwed (NPI)

Then he went on to say that he didn't want to "do this" anymore with me, which I quickly decided was better than us not being friends at all. Then just as quickly, everything started to sink in. Brad had just said that we couldn't have sex anymore (which isn't a HUGE deal) and worse, that he felt uncomfortable around me now, and I was just waiting for the obligatory "I can't see you anymore". Believe it or not, I actually held things together pretty good. My stomach felt like shit, and all I could think about was the Bitch, and how everything bad that had happened was all because of her. So when I started saying these things back to Brad, making sure I had everything clear, he just looked at me, and when I was done he said he was sorry and that he didn't mean anything he'd said. He loves being around me, no matter what people say, but he still loves her. He even went so far as to say that he still wanted to have sex, because no matter how guilty he might feel, he's still bisexual and he can't control what he likes and what he doesn't like.

So now, it's like 1:30 a.m., and we're sitting in the same restaurant parking lot where we awoke last Saturday morning. My head was spinning because he had just gone off saying all this stuff to me, and then turned right around and said the exact opposite, that nothing he said was true. So basically, we were back at square one. We had driven around for almost 3 hours, talked each others' heads off, and we ended up right back at I'm really not in love with you/This is just sex/Let's just have sex and keep it quiet/I can't choose who I want to be with/I love her but I hate her at the same time and I could never leave her but I'm too scared to admit who I really am so I'll continue living a double life. Seriously. We had said all these things to one another, and we didn't accomplish anything, except for the fact that now I can't tell him that I love him, because we both swore we would never lie to each other. Ever. And neither of us has, until I did last night. So I drove him home, he told me to park down the road a little ways, and when I stopped he grabbed my right hand and squeezed it. Then he leaned over and gave me a kiss. I didn't kiss him back at first, but after a few seconds I think my reflexes kicked in, and I opened my mouth a little bit. I pulled back after a bit, and he half-smiled, opened the door and stepped out. He bent back down into the car and said "Go home, get some sleep, don't worry about it. We're cool." and smiled again, and shut the door. I sat and watched him walk to the house, and then I headed home.

When I pulled in the driveway, I saw her car there. The house was in darkness, so I figured she must have waited for us to come back, and fell asleep. Not like she even lives there, but she just falls asleep freely at my house. I thought I would just sneak in, go to bed, and not even have to face her. Not so. I went inside, and there she stood in the living room by the fireplace in the almost-dark. I looked at her, and she stared at me. I said nothing, until she asked if I took him home. I said yes, lit a cigarette, and sat down on the couch. I said nothing until my cigarette was gone, then I stood up, told her goodnight, and went to my bedroom. I could tell by the look in her eyes there were so many things she wanted to say to me, to scream at me, accuse me, but I knew she wouldn't. Not to my face, anyways. That's her way. Talk about me behind my back to no end, be nice as pie to my face. I hate that. It would make things so much easier on me if she'd just go crazy on me, so I could do the same to her. I promised Brad I wouldn't start anything, and I won't. Not until she does.

I'm starting to feel better now, later in the day. I haven't talked to Brad yet. Probably won't tonight. I know I need to get out of this rut and decide what the hell is going on, and so does Brad. Personally, I wish he'd just get rid of Bitch. He doesn't even treat her like a girlfriend. They fight constantly. She's too possessive, he cheats, there's no reason in the world for them to be together. But they are. And I really have no right to interfere with that, as much as I'd like to. So I guess I'll just have to be patient.

Later

Good luck explaining THIS to the insurance company...

2006-02-13T13:37:00.000-04:00

Well, Friday night was an adventure. After having no set plans, I was all ready to go home and watch TV all night. But then, Brad called around 6:30, and asked if I wanted to go watch their hockey game. I said sure, I hadn't been to one of their games yet this winter. So off we went, the two of us and two other friends. Game was good, headed home around 10:30. When Brad and I got back to my car, he suggested we go out to the bars. I thought this was a good idea, despite the fact that he'd gotten about a 6-beer head start on me. So off we go, headed for town. After we'd driven for about 10 minutes, I could tell Brad was "in the mood" as he had moved his hand to my right thigh and quickly to my crotch. He unbuttoned my jeans and bent himself over the console, taking my dick in his mouth. I'll admit, he looked damn uncomfortable, bent every which way, his stomach jammed up against the e-brake handle, but his lips felt really good around my cock. He was starting to moan, I could tell he was hard as a rock. He kept reaching under himself, and was grinding against the seat. I moved my non-steering hand over to his side, and he twisted himself so I had access to his cock. I was jerking him off as best I could while piloting the car, and I was getting close to cumming in his mouth, too. I thought maybe I'd better have both hands on the wheel when I went off, so I let go of him, and gripped hard at the 10 and 2 positions. He did that tongue-flick thing he does right at the perfect time, and I went off. Hard. So hard I saw stars, and squeezed my eyes shut for what felt like only a split second. And that's when I heard

BANG!!! SQUEEEEAAAAAAK!!!

So I snapped my eyes back open, and realized I had mistakenly steered my poor car right into a guard rail. My mouth fell open, Brad snapped his head up, looked around, and said "What the fuck was THAT??" By now, I had steered the car back onto the road, and kept driving. Then I started laughing. I have no idea why. I'm obsessed with my glossy red paint staying glossy and red. I couldn't stop laughing. By now, Brad is laughing. He looks at me and goes "Did you just hit that guardrail when you came?" I laughed even harder, realizing my cock was still hanging out of my pants, as was Brad's, and I just wrecked my car. Finally, reality set in, and I pulled the car over. We both got out, and I walked around to the passenger side. Hmm, not as bad as I thought. Missing some paint, and a couple of wheel covers, but no dents. Coulda been worse.

So we get back in the car and keep driving. That's when I started feeling really bad. A few summers ago, it seemed almost every car Brad got into, crashed. So he was a fairly nervous passenger. He kept saying it was fine, not to worry about it, but I still felt bad.

It's around 11 by the time we get to the bar. I'm still a little shaky from our little incident, so we go inside and proceed to drinking. A lot. We leave the bar around 3 and head to a friends' place, where everyone always goes after the bars close. Now, at this house, anything goes. Whatever you want to do, sex, drugs, there are no rules at this place. As a rule, I always stay away from the hardcore drugs, like X, coke, etc. and just stick to weed. But Friday night, I was feeling pretty good. So me and an old buddy from high school head upstairs to a bedroom, where 4 or 5 other people are sitting on the bed. I was a little nervous, as all I had been told was that I was gonna get something that would make me feel a lot better. So when we get up to the bedroom, Drew produces an 8-ball of coke. I kinda relaxed. I had tried coke before, didn't do much for me. Although, afterwards I was told that it was pretty weak stuff, probably not much real coke in it at all. And I had never bothered to try again. I'd taken X quite a few times when I lived in the city, you take just the right amount, sex is out of this world. So Drew sets up 7 lines, one for everyone, and asked if I wanted a big or small one. I said a big one, thinking this was gonna be cheap shit like before. After I had half the line up my nose, I realized this was 100% grade-A coke, and before I could stop, I'd finished the line completely. An instant rush. I was wide awake, ready to go. Went back downstairs, drank some more, and honest to God, I don't remember much else until all I could hear was Brad yelling my name from another room. It was as if everything else had been muted. I could hear his voice as clear as day. So I found him, and asked if he was ready to go, and he said yes. I remember us going to the car, me starting the car, and him reaching over and pulling my head towards him, and kissing me.

I was more awake right then, than I was all night. However, the next thing I remember was waking up, slumped over the steering wheel in the parking lot of an old abandoned restaurant 25 minutes outside of town. The engine was still running, headlights on, stereo blasting, both of us passed out stone cold. It was 7:15 a.m. Saturday morning. I had absolutely no idea how we got there. So I woke Brad up, he also had no clue as to how we got there, so we shrugged our shoulders and started heading towards my house. Once we got there, I knew people would start getting up anytime, so we tiptoed to my bedroom, and both crashed on the bed, fully clothed, and slept until noon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning, I awoke to Bitch standing over my bed. I squinted at her, and then remembered Brad was sleeping beside me. Then the thought "Oh shit. She finally caught us" went through my head, until I could feel my clothes still on me, and neither of one of us were under the blankets. She had nothing on us. She was just pissed because Brad hadn't come home last night, like she usually is. It's not like they even live together. So I remember her mumbling something, and then leaving, and when I got out of bed, she was gone. Brad never stirred the entire time.

I'll fill y'all in on the rest of Saturday's events later. I got me some work to do right now.

Creepy Sex

2006-02-10T10:15:00.000-04:00

Okay, the sex wasn't actually creepy, it's what happened while we were trying to have sex. Since Brad's house is usually full most of the time, he uses his grandparents' now-vacant house across the road to watch TV, play xBox, etc. His grandparents have both passed on, and their house is now under the care of Brad's father. All the furniture and everything is still there, just nobody actually lives there full time. So whenever we want to play xBox or watch movies or anything, we go over there and use the TV. So anyways, Wednesday night, we were playing xBox, drinkin' some beer, Brad more than me, and after a few hours, he started rubbing his crotch. I played coy for a few minutes, pretending not to notice. He's so funny like that, I've told him a million times if he wants to have sex, just say so. Don't bother hinting around, seeing if I'll take the bait or not - I'm a very horny bi-sexual - I'll have sex with pretty much anyone at anytime. So after a few minutes, I got tired of the vagueness and slow-progression of his "hinting" so I told him to unzip. He gave me this look, like "Huh?" and I said "Oh seriously. You been grabbin your crotch now for 10 minutes, you keep looking at me out of the corner of your eye, I'm not stupid. Take your pants off." So he did, and I got on my knees in front of his chair, and started sucking.

After a few minutes, Brad suggested we go upstairs to one of the bedrooms so no one could see in the windows. We moved upstairs, and continued our "roll in the hay". He had his clothes off in no time, and when I started taking mine off, he stopped me. He said he wanted to see how long we could go before he had to rip my clothes off. We had tried this before, and it didn't last very long. But I thought I'd humour him and we'd try it again. So by now we're on the bed, fighting over who was going to be on top. I'd be on him, he'd flip me over and get on top of me, back and forth. I have no admit, seeing him naked, feeling his hard cock pressing into my clothed leg, was kinda hot. He kept rubbing and grabbing my chest and my crotch, and finally I just told him to take my cothes off.

"Not yet" he whispered.

By now he was grinding into my leg, breathing a little heavier, and he pulled my shirt up over my head. Just as he unbuckled my belt, and started unzipping my jeans, we heard a fairly audible thump. It kinda sounded like a door slamming, or something, and then about 4 or 5 footsteps. Since I had more clothes on than Brad did, I jumped up, pulled my shirt on, and ran downstairs to see who was here at midnight.

No one.

I walked through the entire downstairs of the house, and found no one. Or any evidence of anyone other than Brad and me. At first I thought someone might have gone down to the basement to put wood in the furnace, but I looked, and the basement door was locked from my side, so no one could be down there. Brad had come down by now, and I told that I couldn't find anyone. Then I realized that maybe someone had come in, heard/saw what we were doing upstairs, and we heard the door slam on their way out. It was then that Brad realized it had snowed out, so we went to the door and looked for footprints. None. Brad then said,

"We heard the door, then the footsteps. Whoever it was came in and walked across the kitchen floor."

I looked over by the door, and the mat and the floor around it were both perfectly dry. No snow anywhere, nor was there any on the kitchen floor. So by now, we had both come to the conclusion that no one else was in the house, and we must have just heard the wind or something. Since I figured the moment was over, I walked back into the living room to grab my jacket, and Brad followed. When I walked over by the couch, he pushed me down onto it and started kissing me again. This time he wasted no time in getting my pants off. He went down on me like a pro, as usual. After about 10 minutes of him swirling his tongue around the head of my dick and taking me deepthroat, I was going nuts. No pun intended. I told him I was gonna cum, and he kept on sucking. So I grabbed the back of his head, and pushed him down further on my cock. He flicked his tongue at just the right time, and I went off. Completely filled his mouth, and he was trying to swallow as fast as he could. After I had recovered from my orgasm, I noticed that Brad looked to be in dire need of one too. So I pushed him back, grinned when I saw the drop of cum on his chin, and sucked him all the way down. It didn't take long before I heard his tell-tale grunt, and felt the first two spurts hit the back of my throat. I just happened to open my eyes for a second, long enough to see a set of taillights across the road at his house. I didn't wanna ruin it for Brad, so I kept sucking. Whoever it was wouldn't be over here for a few minutes, if at all. So after Brad finished up, he asked me to keep sucking, and held my head down on him. I tried to pull off, but he kept pushing me down. So I pointed towards the window, and he turned and looked, said "Oh shit" and jumped up. I looked, and realized it was Bitch's car, and could see her walking towards the house we were in. Brad yanked his clothes on, as did I, and just before he walked out into the kitchen, he turned to me for some reason, and I noticed he still had the drop of cum on his chin. As the front door opened, I grabbed the back of his head, and sucked it off his chin. He looked at me and said "what..."

"Cum" was all I said, and grinned. He grinned back, and turned just as Bitch walked across the kitchen. They said hello to each other, and she laid a great big kiss on him. I had to turn around, otherwise I was going to bust up laughing. After they got done kissing, she said she needed to pee really bad, and headed for the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, Brad started laughing quietly, and whispered "If she only knew..." I laughed, and said I had to head home. He walked me to the front door, and gave me a really quick kiss before I left. He seemed to be getting more and more daring with people around, especially his girlfriend. He said goodnight, and I walked across the road to my car, and headed home.

On the way home, I remembered the whole door/footsteps thing. That was creepy. Whatever it was, was loud enough for both of us to hear it, upstairs in this big old farmhouse. I could see if we had both been drunk, but neither of us really was. Brad was buzzing a little bit, and if only he had heard it, I would have dismissed it, but I heard it very clearly too. I decided not to worry about it, since whatever it was had brought us back downstairs, and if we hadn't have come down, we wouldn't have seen Bitch drive in, nor heard her walk in the house, undoubtedly upstairs, and finally caught us in the act, like she's been trying to do for so long.

The whole thing still gave me the creeps though. This is a really creepy old house. It's big, and dark, and no one lives there anymore, regardless of all his grandparents possessions still where they were when they passed away 2 years ago. Ah well, it was a good place to hook up though, 5 bedrooms, no one else in the house, if Bitch hadn't rolled in when she did, hard to say how far we would have gotten... I promised Brad I'd do some work on his snowmobile for him on Saturday while he played in a hockey tournament, and he said he'd find some way to pay me for my services, with a wink. So we'll see what Saturday night brings... ;)

Catch-up

2006-02-03T16:21:00.000-04:00

Wow. It's been one week since my last update. This whole "no-computer-at-home" thing is really starting to get to me. Hopefully by next week, that will all change...

Not that I have much to talk about, I'm an accountant for chrissakes, my life isn't that exciting. Okay, well, it's not that bad. Through the week, I pretty much just work, go home, sleep, go to work. There's nothing to do around here at night, through the week. We actually went bowling last Friday night. Bowling. Which was alright, but the music. GOD. I'm talkin' like 1995-1998 dance crap. You know what I mean, like Whigfield, Puff Daddy (no, not P. Diddy, PUFF DADDY) etc. I felt like a real ass when they started playing stuff from 2001. I graduated in 2001, and back then, thought that year produced the best music that would ever be made. So I'm listening to "Be Like That" by 3 Doors Down and thinking "damn, this song came out FIVE years ago. I graduated FIVE years ago. That's half a decade. I'm turing 23 in a month." and for the rest of the night, that's all I could think about.

It just seems like yesterday I left high school, and this stupid town. I moved 2 hours away, and started a (supposed) new life. All I did was take my old life with me and was miserable the entire time. I wasted the best part of my youth (the part when you can actually get away with just about anything) by trying to look and act older. Now that I am older, I want to be 18 again. I couldn't get over where the time had gone, and what I had "accomplished":

- Started, and almost immediately quit, college, because I didn't want to be broke all the time
- Moved my girlfriend in with me, proposed to her, watched her move out, and now we don't speak at all, even though we live 15 minutes apart, work in the same business, yet still despise the sight of each other
- Bounced around about 4 dumb ass jobs
- Came out of a car crash almost completely unscathed, that I probably should have died in
- Bought a house
- Gradually became less terrified of people finding out about my "alternate lifestyle" even if it is only "half-alternative"
- "Fallen in love" with my best high-school buddy, whom I never thought was into guys, but is

The latter is definitely the biggest moment I've experienced in a long time, even surpassing me buying a house. I put "fallen in love" in quotation marks, because I'm still not 110% sure that I AM in love with him. It feels weird. I knew when I was in love with my ex-girlfriend, because I could see us getting married, having kids, all that junk, but it's hard to picture that with another guy when you don't want a long-term, same-sex relationship. Which I don't, I just like hookin' up with guys. I can't see myself finding a life partner, and growing old. No offense to anyone who does want that, it's just my personal preference. It's just whenever I see Brad, I "feel" that way. I dunno, whether you understand this or not. It's confusing. Moving on,

Brad's girlfriend is a B I T C H .

Well, not really a big surprise, because she's always been a bitch, but I really hate it when people are so shit-eating nice to me to my face, but say awful, horrible things about me behind my back. Trust me, in a town this small, everything gets around faster than the speed of light. She is so paranoid about Brad and I being alone together. Not even "alone" together. She hates it when he and I are together anywhere, if she's not there to supervise. I mean, yeah, I'm having a gay love affair with her boyfriend, but she has no solid proof of this.

Example: A family-member of Brad's passed away recently. I called Bitch to ask what time they were going to the wake, so I could meet them and walk in with them. She said, "Oh, I'll call you when I find out, promise..."

So I go to the funeral home anyway, and wait. I'm there about 20 minutes, when her car drives in. They park beside me, she gets out and can't even look me in the eye. Brad gets out, and says "I thought you were supposed to call before you left home? You could've just come in our car." I just looked at him, and looked at Bitch, and he nods. "I'm just about through with that bullshit" he growls quietly to me, grins, and we walk into the wake. I decided to take the high road, and just let it go. Not as if this was the first time she's done something like that, and it certainly won't be the last. Fuck her.

(haha, sidenote, she got shit-faced at the bar the other night, and in an effort to burn Brad in front of everyone, sat on my lap and said "Wow. Maybe I'll just go home with you tonight (meaning me) and we'll see what you can do for me. God forbid I get off once in awhile..." and everyone just kinda laughed it off and kept talking, but the look on Brad's face was priceless, as I'm sure mine was too... Brad said later the next day, about how funny it was, once back in high school, Brad and I didn't get along for a few months, and this was when they started dating. At one point, he thought she was cheating on him with me, and it took a drunken fist fight to get that all straightened out. Now the tables have turned, and she thinks I'm fuckin' her boyfriend. Karma, or something like that...)

So that brings us up to now, I guess. The weekend was fairly un-eventful. Watched "The Exorcism Of Emily Rose" Friday night, that was a waste of $4. But I watched it at Brad's house, and Bitch had to leave early to pick her brother up somewhere. More about that later. It was creepy (what happened to me and Brad, not about Bitch and her brother). Went to the bar Saturday night, spent little money, drank way too much. I love it when people who owe me money always show up at the bar when I'm thirsty. Went to a SuperBowl party last night. I hate football, but I always watch the SuperBowl. Mostly just for the commercials, and there weren't even that many good ones this year.

I'm gonna quit rambling now. I'll try to get my sexy/creepy story typed up tonight. If not, sometime tomorrow for sure.

Later

(P.S. - Now that I read over this post, I realized that I started typing it last Friday, Feb 3rd, and finished it today, Monday, Feb. 6th, so really, this kinda skims over the last 2 weekends. Sorry for being sloppy. I'm working on keeping up with my posts a little better. I'm new at this, bear with me guys!)

Nooner

2006-01-27T13:06:00.000-04:00

Hell yeah. Best lunch break I've had in a long time.

Brad came up last night, and drank a few too many beer, and decided that he shouldn't chance the drive home (gasp!) so he crashed on the couch. He was still asleep this morning when I got up to go to work, and I tried to call around mid-morning, and there was no answer. But when I went home for lunch, his vehicle was still in the yard. So I went inside, and he was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly I heard his throat clear, and it sounded like it was coming from my bedroom. So I walked in, and there he was laying in my bed, awake, grinning. I smiled at him and asked what he was doing. He said that since he had passed out last night, he didn't get a chance to re-run what happened last week. I asked if that's what he wanted to do now, expecting him to say no, because he wasn't drunk anymore, and that's when he pulled the blankets back. Yep, he was definitely ready to go. He jumped up, and started pulling my shirt off. I let him start to undress me, and then he asked how long I had for lunch. I told him an hour, and he said as horny as he was right now, an hour was plenty of time. By this time, he was more or less tearing my clothes off, and in no time, we were on the bed, me on top. Then he flipped me over, was kissing my neck, biting my chest, going right to town. He pulled my legs up, and started to push in. I said "Whoa, we need some assistance there" and he reached into my bed table to get the lube. Boom, 1 minute later, he was all the way in. This was all so spontaneous that it didn't hurt a bit. It was kinda exciting, me coming home expecting to have some food and go back to work. But now, at 12:15 here I was laying in my bed, getting fucked.

Brad was laying completely on top of me, holding my hands (again) and the thought of the handcuffs went through my head again. Nah, not enough time. I wanna have lots of time when we use those. It was hot, heavy, and fast. There was no slow movement. He was thrusting, moaning, and sweating, as was I. After probably a good 10 minutes, I could already feel his muscles tensing up, and I knew by the way he was breathing that he was getting close. He pushed his lips against mine, hard enough for it to hurt a little, and he held it for a good 10 seconds. Then, he pulled back, pulled out, and flipped me over. He was back in in no time, thrusting harder again, my cock grinding into the mattress. He had my shoulders in an iron grip, pulling me back into him. He laid down on my back, and grabbed my cock. He pumped it hard and fast, and growled into my ear that he was cumming. After one quick twist of his wrist, I said I was cumming too, and we both went over almost at the same time. He was still laying on me when I collapsed back down onto the bed, and we both laid there for a good 5 minutes. I moved my head around to look at the clock

12:32

Booya. Only been home for 25 minutes, had some sex, still had time to eat! I told Brad I needed to shower, and he rolled off. I asked if he wanted to get in too, and he said he needed to take a breather for a minute. So I jumped in the shower, and within 2 minutes, the curtain opened, and in stepped Brad. I soaped up and rinsed, then started soaping up his back. After about 5 minutes, we had done what we needed to do, and I stepped out. Brad said "So you probably don't have time to go again, do you?"

I grinned and said that no, I had to be back at work in 15 minutes. I dressed quickly, grabbed a quick sandwich, and started to walk out the door. He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around, and laid one hell of a liplock on me.

"Thanks" he said when he finally broke the kiss.
"No problem, anytime" I replied.

"I'm gonna disappear for the afternoon so you-know-who can't find me. I'll call your cellphone at 5 when you get done work, and I'll tell you where I am. You'll come pick me up?" he asked

"Yeah, no problem. There someplace you wanna go tonight?" I said

"Don't matter, I'll call you at 5, I'm sure we can find something to do" he said with a wink.

I smiled and walked out the door.

"Lock the door when you leave, eh?" I said

"Yep, hope I made your afternoon a little better" Brad said

Yes you did, Brad. Indeed you did. The weekend ain't lookin' too bad either.

So far Ang Lee and Rob Thomas are on my side... thanks guys!

2006-01-20T15:33:00.000-04:00

These are the lyrics to Rob Thomas' new single, Ever The Same. I've liked this song since it came out, but never quite caught all the words to it. I looked them up today, and here they are. This sounds a lot like what I'm experiencing right now...

We were drawn from the weeds

We were brave like soldiers

Falling down under the pale moonlight

You were holding to me

Like a someone broken

And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me

Tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you forever in me

Ever the same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down

Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Look at us

Man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Sleeping

2006-01-19T08:57:00.000-04:00

I really don't know why I came into work today. I didn't go to bed until 5 a.m., got up at 7, chipper as ever. I had a coffee, showered, and headed out to work. Sounds just like every other morning, minus the two hours of sleep, but this morning was different. I woke up next to Brad.

He was in a good mood last night, we met at a friends' house, sat around for awhile, and when we got ready to go, we discovered that Brad's ride had left without him. No problem, I have to drive by his house to get home anyways, and I really wouldn't have minded going out of my way. So we're almost to his house when he asks if he can crash on my couch. Apparently he and his dad had gotten in a fight earlier and he didn't want to go home (Yes, Brad is 23, and has every right to move out on his own. He lacks ambition here.) So I said yes, he could.

When we got to my house, Brad said that he wanted to play Xbox, so we went into my room and started playing hockey. After about an hour of me getting my ass kicked, I decided enough was enough, and if he had ulterior motives, I was gonna lay 'em out. No pun intended. I shut off the Xbox, turned to him, looked him straight in the eye, and said

"I told you before and I'll tell you again, if you wanna get laid, just say so. I can't read minds."

Blank stare. For a second I thought "Uh oh..." but then he kinda smiled. An improvement. Then he grabbed my crotch. A VAST improvement! I was on my knees in front of him, so I moved up a bit and straddled his thighs. He was wearing that goddamned black spandex insulator shirt, that when you take it off, the static electricity is unreal. However, neither of us thought of this, so when I yanked it up over his head, and his face comes towards me, and his lips meet mine, needless to say sparks flew. That damned well hurt, let me tell you. So for the next 2 or 3 minutes, we had a small fit of laughter, where I kind of sat back on my knees a little bit. Apparently, this was the prone position Brad had been waiting for. He grabbed my arms and pushed me onto my back. He crawled on top of me, and started removing my pants. In no time he was going to town on my dick, and doing a (yet again) even better job than last time. He had me deepthroated, doing crazy wonderful things with his tongue. His hands were running up my stomach, down my sides, and then pulling my legs further apart. Usually it takes me awhile to get off from just getting head, but whatever he was doing was getting the job done quicker than I wanted. I finally had to push him off, or I was gonna blow. He sat up, and asked if he could fuck me. I said yes, but we had to be quiet because my roommates were there. He had just started putting on some lube when he stopped, and said he wanted me to fuck him instead. I said alright, so we started at it. You never really know just how loud your bed squeaks until you're trying to be quiet. Brad, who is usually pretty quiet, was having a hard time not moaning, so I had to get a little rough with him. The TV was only gonna drown out so much of the sound, so I shoved his head down into the pillow. He seemed to like this, so I started thrusting harder, still holding him down. He was in the doggie position, and suddenly his knees gave out, and he fell flat on his stomach. I fell with him, and held his arms down with mine. He started rotating his hips, which I like verrry much, and he whispered he was getting close, and for me to cum in his ass. Just before he came I flipped him over onto his back - I couldn't help it, his face looks so hot when he comes. His jawline tightens up, his teeth clench, and his eyes squint almost shut. He wrapped his legs around my ass, and pulled me in tight to him. I had let his arms free, and his hands were now around my neck. He hissed that he was cumming, and as soon as I saw the first shot come out, and his ass tighten up, I went over the edge too. He tightened at just the right time, and a small cry flew out of my mouth. I dropped my head on his left shoulder, and about mid-orgasm, I heard him say "Ow" and I realized that I was biting his shoulder, enough to leave a mark. When it was all over, I was panting, and he was letting out small gasps. I was still in him, and his legs were still around me. He'd moved his hands to the side of my face and kissed me, just a small peck. I rolled off of him, and we laid there for 5 or 10 minutes. I told him not to bother sleeping on the couch, he wasn't going anywhere. He smiled and rolled on his side towards me. I leaned over and gave him another kiss, this time slipping him a little tongue. He kissed me back, and whispered "goodnight". He fell right asleep, and I couldn't have been much further behind him.

When my alarm rang this morning at 6:45, I still have no idea why I got right out of bed and started getting ready for work. Everytime I came back into the bedroom, I would have to stop and look at him sleeping. Right before I left, he opened his eyes, and asked me if I had time to drive him home, that I probably didn't want him there when I wasn't. I said I didn't care, for him to sleep, and that I'd be down at lunch. He grinned, and said that my bed was the most comfortable bed he'd ever slept in and that he was never getting out of it. I smiled and said "Yeah I know" while thinking "hmm, I think I could live with that idea..."

So with a half an hour left on the clock before lunch, his girlfriend calls me. She asks if he stayed at my house last night; I said no. She said okay, and that was the end of that conversation. About 2 minutes later, Brad calls from my house to say that she had called there, and he chose not to answer it, with a laugh. Then he said "See you at noon, I have something here you need to see"

So now I'm curious... I'll let you know ;)

I don't know whether to wind my ass or scratch my watch...

2006-01-13T10:41:00.000-04:00

Horrible title, I know, but hey. There's no better way to describe it. Believe it or not, I'm not going to ramble on about Brad for once. Although I'd like to, because he's been about as clear as mud lately, but I'll spare you for now.

Four and a half years ago, in the fall of 2001, I moved to a city about 2 hours from where I live now. It's a small city of about 50,000, and the main attraction there is the university. So naturally, most of my high school friends moved there also. One girl in particular, Jessie, also went along. Jessie and I had had an on-again-off-again relationship all thru school, but we'd always remained good friends. So Jessie's roommate in her dorm was this girl named Sarah. If I had ever believed in love at first sight, it was with Sarah. She was gorgeous, long blonde hair, big blue eyes, always with a smile on her face. She was the perfect image of my ideal girl. Honestly, the first time I met her, I couldn't stop staring at her. Sure, she had a boyfriend, and man, was her ever a dick. He was even mean to her. He was one of these "Joe-College" types with an attitude problem like you wouldn't believe. So one night, he said something to the effect of her getting fat since high school, and it caught her the wrong way and she started to cry. After listening to this guy for a month, I'd had enough. I asked him what his problem was, he asked me what business of mine it was, long story short, he got his ass kicked.

Valuable lesson #1: Don't ever fuck with the Country Boy. Guaranteed he has better fighting skills than any Trust-Funder from the suburbs.

So anyway, by the next weekend, they had broken up (the first of many breakups, so I would learn) and she was all bummed out for the first week. The second week, however, she came around a lil' bit. This happened to be the week of their Residence Formal. I,of course, was Jessie's date, and Sarah was going with some guy she had gone to school with. We all went to dinner before the party, and Sarah's date turned out to be gayer than a fairy on exstacy, so no problems there. (Sidenote: I was so preoccupied by Sarah at this point in my life, I wasn't much into guys at the time) So the party went well, and we all headed back to campus. By this time (mid-year) Sarah and Jessie had both switched to single rooms so they could have more room. A few of us sat around in Jessie's room for awhile and drank, and then I called a cab to take me home. When I walked out Jessie's door, I remembered that I'd left my jacket in Sarah's room when we'd been there earlier. When I went in, she was sitting at her computer with this weird look on her face. She then told me that her ex-boyfriend had broken in to her email account, read everything from everyone, and then sent her a very nasty message about what she's said about him. It was probably kinda wrong on my part, but I comforted her. The guy was an ass, and even though they'd broke up, he still wouldn't leave her alone. So after talking for about half an hour, one thing led to another and I kissed her. Or she kissed me. One of the two. We wound up on her bed, petting, rubbing, kissing, removing clothes. I was the man that night. I'd wanted her for months now. We'd flirted back and forth, caught each other staring, the whole bit, and it was all worth it for that night. Nothing went wrong, no one chickened out or said that we shoudn't be doing this. It just happened, for at least 2 hours, and it's chance to say it was probably in the top 5 best lays I've ever had. After we finished, she asked if I'd stay the night with her. I did, and the next morning when we woke up, we both realized that someone was gonna have to deal with Jessie. Turns out it wasn't as bad as we'd thought.

That next week, my work sent me away to upgrade my training, so I never got to see her. I think she had midterms too, so we never talked. When I got back the following weekend, I found out her ex had professed his undying love for her, repented, etc etc etc. It was disgusting. But I was a young guy in a university town. Plenty of fish in the sea. Sarah and Dick ended up ultimately breaking up for good about a year later, and I thought I was totally over her. Well, honestly, I thought she was just a girl that I'd scored with. But after I'd moved home 2 years ago, I found myself thinking about her all the time. Whenever I'd go back to the city, I would crash at Jessie and Sarah's apartment, and we'd always joke about hooking up again, since neither of us were seeing anybody. It happened once, it was just as good as the first time, but again, nothing came of it. After awhile, I discovered that she could have been the girl. She was perfect. I could find no flaws in her anywhere. Unfortunately for me, sometime in the past year, someone else also realized this, and he proposed to her. (Not Dick, some Justin guy, never met him, everyone says he's really nice, smart, and funny, which kills me, because I'm nice, smart, and funny, and we're both in Accounting - He's like ME.)

So about an hour ago, I finally worked up the courage to talk to her on IM. She's been on my list forever, and I don't think I've ever said anything. I've come so close to telling her how I feel so many times in the past hour, but I can't do that to her. I know what it's like to be in that situation, and it tears you up. It wouldn't do any good anyways, Justin moved out west a few months ago, got them a house, and she's getting on the plane tomorrow morning to fly into her new life.

Not with me.

I really have to start seizing opportunities when I see them. This is seriously getting very old. Of all the things that I've missed out on, I think this one actually meant the most to me, and as of 8:47 tomorrow morning, it will officially be out of my reach forever. But, you know me. I'll supress it, toss it around in the depths of my stomach for way too long, and in time (long time) I'll be over it. But that's me, I guess. I really can't remember when I stopped caring about the important things in life and became so shallow and bitter. When I was younger, I always hated who I was, and wanted to change. When I finally found the courage to do that, I was ecstatic. Now that I am who I thought I wanted to be, I seem to hate myself more and more each day.

Depressing, ain't it? Don't let it be. Tomorrow's another day. I know I'll be fine. I just think about things way too much. That's one of many bad habits that I have to break sometime this year.

Peace.

My headaches never end...

2006-01-04T11:07:00.000-04:00

Not much has really happened over the last few weeks. Got Christmas and New Years done and over with, thank God. Man, the holidays are exhausting. I just want summer to come. I know it's not even the middle of January yet, but I love summer so much...

I hadn't planned on doing anything New Years Eve. There was a house party that I was invited to, and was going to drop in on for awhile, but I was so tired. Brad and I had gone snowmobiling all day Saturday with another friend of ours, and even though you do just sit there the whole time, it really plays you out. But when I got back home, I had to go pick Brad up at his place in the car, he asked if I was going out with them. He and his g/f were going to a dance with a bunch of other people, and he wanted me to go. I agreed, somewhat reluctantly. Glad I went though, it was a good time.

Wednesday night, Brad came to my place and we played Xbox. He got ready to leave around 11, and he'd been drinking. Not a lot, but just enough to fail a breathylizer. He was on his snowmobile, and it's not often you see cops out on the trails here, especially at 11 on a Wednesday night. So when he got ready to leave, he kept hesitating, like he wanted to ask me something, but he finally just walked out the door. I wanted to have a cigarette, so I followed him out, and we stood in the driveway. I told him that since it was really cold out, and I knew he was going to drive wayyy too fast on the way home, for him to call me when he got there, so I'd know he made it okay. He told me that I sounded like his girlfriend, and I laughed. I told him the difference was that she wanted to know where he was 24/7, and I just wanted to know if he made it home alive. He smiled, and said ok, that he'd call. So about 45 minutes later, my cell rang. It was Brad, home safe and sound. He said he was going to bed, and I said I was too. He started to ask me something, but he never finished, and when I asked what it was, he wouldn't tell me. He just said goodnight and hung up.

The next morning, at work, my cell rings again. It's Brad's girlfriend. She asked where I was, told her I was working, and that's when she proceeds to tell me that after Brad called me last night, he called her to say goodnight too. Thursday morning, she calls out to his house, and his mom said that he had left on his snowmobile around midnight Wednesday, and hadn't come home yet. Now, g/f is saying this like it's no big deal, but I knew the shape he was in when he left my house. He wasn't plastered, he was just buzzing enough to have the attitude that nothing bad could happen to him. Well, that's fine. He does that once in awhile. But he always comes home, or lets someone know where he is. This time, he didn't. All I could picture was his sled wrapped around a tree, with him laying not far from it, frozen solid. I usually keep my cool better than anyone else in situations like this, but I'll admit that I panicked this time. This made g/f panick, so I told her that I'd meet her and we'd start looking for him. I left work, and had only driven for about 5 minutes when my cell rang again. It was her. I answered, and she said "Don't worry, he's home."

I said, "Put him on the phone" so she did. He said hello like everything was cool, and already I was fuming. I said "What the fuck do you think the point was in calling people when you got home last night? It was to make sure you made it there safe, which TECHNICALLY, you did, right before you went missing overnight in the freezing cold"

He just kept telling me to calm down, that he was fine, had been all night, and for me to come pick him up and he'd explain it. I told him he'd better have a damn good story lined up because I was pissed. So when I got there, his g/f didn't look too pleased either, but she had things to go do, so Brad jumped in the car. I'd cooled off a little bit by this point. He started talking right away. He told me that after he got home, he'd called her, and they got in a fight, which is nothing new, and he had started driving to her house. Right before he got there, he realized what time of night it was, and didn't want to wake everyone in the house up. My cabin is only 5 or 10 minutes from her house, so he drove out around there. He went inside, built a fire, and ended up falling asleep on the couch. He never woke up until 10 the next morning, and realized that people were probably looking for him. He grabbed his cell phone off the table, and he noticed that he had dialed my phone number, and not pushed send. It was then he remembered that he had been sitting on the couch, thinking about me, and how he's never been to the camp without me before, and he wanted me to be there. Things were starting to click now. I asked him if he was trying to ask me to go with him the night before, at my house. He said no, that he hadn't even thought of the camp, but he wanted to stay at my house. With me. But he never asked, because he knew that I would have said yes (which I would have), and my roommates were all there that night, so it would have been nothing but trouble. Which, he was right. I would have said yes, I take risks like that. Plus, my guy-roommate and I have fooled around in the past (we don't anymore) so he knows I'm bi. His girlfriend and I have been friends since we were infants, so she's probably figured it out. I've never told her, and don't plan on it, but it wouldn't be a huge deal if she found out. So anyway, Brad said that's what had happened. I told him that if he would have called me, I would have come out, and he said he had gotten nervous, thinking I would shoot him down, so he hesitated calling. Too long, and fell asleep.

I told him that I would never shoot him down, and he started leaning in to kiss me (which STILL confuses me to no end...) It was right then that I almost told him I loved him, but I caught myself. Barely. "I" made it out of my mouth, and he stopped, looked at me, and asked what? I thought for a minute, and said "I don't think we should do this here", as we were sitting out in the open, and he said okay. We drove on to my house, where his g/f was gonna meet us, and watch a movie. I could barely even look at him for the rest of the night, I had freaked myself out that bad. I thought for awhile that since I felt that way, maybe I didn't really love him.

Right before they got ready to leave, I was in my bedrom doing something. I heard Brad say that he had to use the bathroom, and she said she was going to the car. She yelled goodbye to me, and went out the door. I started walking out of the bedroom to say bye to her, and Brad pushed me back in. He pushed me up against the door, and kissed me so hard I thought he broke my nose again (see post from August-ish). I'm talkin forceful, hot. When he finally pulled away, he had that grin on his face. "I've been wantin' to do that all day" he said. I said I'd been wanting him to do that all day too, and he smiled, and said goodbye. He held my hand all the way to the door, asking if I could pick him up from work on Friday, because his g/f couldn't. I said sure, and he blew me a kiss again before he stepped out the door. I watched him walk to the car, get in, and drive away. I had that weird feeling in my stomach again.

Bullshit I'm not falling in love with him.

Exhausted

2005-12-28T09:28:00.000-04:00

Well, Christmas is finally over, thank God. I totally see why people say Christmas is for kids. Now, me being 22 years old, I realized some time ago that I was, in fact, no longer a kid, and Christmas had gradually lost its lustre. However, this year I not only realized I was older, I realized that I have responsibilities. Since I no longer live with my parents, I was responsible to drive here for this family gettogether, go there, do this, do that. I spent Christmas Eve at mom and dad's, but before I went to bed (thats a whole other story later) I had to drive back to my house, make sure the fire was still going, the doors locked, etc.

So when the presents were finally opened, breakfast at my grandmothers was over with, and I could take a breath, I felt soooo relieved that I could finally do what I wanted to do: sleep.

But NOOOOOOO. Christmas Night, we had my dad's side of the family in for Christmas dinner. My family is fun. They all drink (not TOO much) but just enough that they're all drunk and merry. But, when you're running on 2 hours of sleep, it can be quite a headache. So around 8:30 p.m., I ducked out. Quickly. Brad had called, he had also escaped the madness that is Christmas, and wanted me to go over to his place to play hockey (on XBox; no friggin way I had the energy to play actual hockey) and when I got to his house, it was indeed very silent. His entire family was there, his 2 sisters, 1 brother & girlfriend, his parents, his cousin, but everyone was quiet. It was fan-fuckin-tastic. His parents had gotten a new TV for Christmas, and Brad had put the old one up in his bedroom. So after his mother force-fed me pie, we went up to play XBox. I had been kind of hoping that no one else was there, so we could fool around, and we promised each other that we would never do anything as long as there was someone else in the house. So, it was lookin like a no-go (which it was, that night...)

I need to learn how to type my blog properly! I should have started at Christmas Eve, and worked my way up from there... But, too f'in bad, I'm not retracting and retyping everything.

So Christmas Eve, it's family tradition that my mother's family all gets together, has supper, and goes to church, in varying stages of drunkeness. (Well, the drunkenness isn't really tradition, it's just how things happen...) And Brad just so happened to need a drive to his place. My mother wouldn't hear of him not staying for supper. So he sat down, we all ate, drank a little, and then when my grandmother asked him if he would be joining us for Church, Brad said no.

Sidenote: When my grandmother says you're going to Church, you're GOING to Church. Don't argue with her, she's a retired school teacher, who likes her Church, especially on Christmas.

So, long story short, Brad went to Church with us. It was hilarious. Just seeing Brad in Church, is fall-on-your-ass funny. He was scared he would burst into flames. His girlfriend had gone away to her mom's for Christmas, so when mom asked what she would say when Brad told her he spent Christmas Eve in Church, he said my mom would have to call her so she would believe him. Anyways, after church, we went back to my parents house for awhile, and I had to stop by my house afterwards to get clothes, etc. By this point, it's about 12:30 a.m., and I figured we would just stop in, get what I had to get, and we'd be on our way. Brad goes into the living room and sits down on the couch, cracking open a beer. After I got all my stuff together, I went in and asked if we were staying for awhile. He said that he would like to. So I sat down beside him, and started watching TV.

The roommates were gone for the night, so it was just the two of us. It was incredibly hot in there, as it was very warm outside, and one of my roommates had loaded the fire full before they left. With a combination of the beer and the heat, all I could think about was Brad sitting 2 feet away from me, lookin all hot. I was getting a vibe from him that he wasn't in the mood to do anything, as he wasn't dropping any hints like he usually does. But after about half an hour, Brad asked me what I thought about him going out West. I told him there's a reason that I change the subject everytime you bring that up. that should be a good enough answer. Well, apparently, it wasn't. He kept telling me to say what was on my mind, and I told him that I was saving everything for right before he left to go. Well, that drove him damn near crazy, and he was begging me to tell him right then, so in case it was something bad, we wouldn't leave our relationship in a bad way. He wanted me to tell him now so he could absorb everything. I've had that moment planned out in my head ever since he first told me he was going, and I wanted to save it. But he just kept bugging me. The heat was making me agitated, so finally I just exploded and told him (almost) everything. Like how I couldn't help but be selfish, I knew he was going out there for good reasons, but I couldn't stand the thought of losing my best friend, especially after all that's happened in the last 2 years, how he was really the only friend that I could trust with absolutely anything, and how we do so much together in the summer, and next summer he won't be here, and I felt horrible for sounding so self-absorbed, but I couldn't keep it in anymore. Brad always has a way of interrupting me when I talk, but this time, he didn't. He just sat there and took it all in. I can't even remember what all I said. I know I told him everything I had in me save for the fact that I thought I was falling in love with him, which still scares the hell out of even ME. I remember saying I didn't care about what anyone else said about us, if everyone thought of me as a "great big, neon-pink flaming faggot"and by the end of it, I was starting to cry but I wanted to give him the impression that I was mad, and was trying so hard not to let any tears fall. Brad wasn't nearly drunk enough not to notice my voice break, though. Like a flash, he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest. I just buried my head in him, and he kept squeezing me. He kept saying he was sorry, that he had no idea I felt that strongly about the whole situation, and for me not to think about it until the time came, and he wouldn't talk about it. When I finally picked my head up, he looked at me and grabbed the back of my head. Out of every other kiss he has given me, this one felt like the ultimate, real deal. We weren't drunk, it wasn't in the heat of any sexual moment, he had realized that he hurt me, and wanted to fix it.

He pushed me back on the couch, and crawled on top of me. I pulled his shirt open and took it off, him doing the same to me. It was soooo goddamned hot in there, and the wood stove is right beside the couch, so we were already out of breath. Neither one of us cared that it was almost 2 a.m. and we had to get to our respective houses. He stood up, and I unbuckled his belt. I stood up and pushed him back down on the couch, into a sitting position. I dropped down onto my knees and started unbuttoning his pants. He stood back up, grabbed my hand, and pulled me towards my bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, and I pushed him onto his back. I crawled up his body, still trying to get his damn pants off. This reminded me of the first time we undressed each other:

I wasn't quite as drunk as he was, so I had his clothes off in no time. Brad, on the other hand, didn't do too bad until he got to my jeans, which were button-fly. He fumbled with them for I don't know how long, until he finally said "Uhhh, maybe you should look after those just this once..." It was one of those moments where everything is very heated and going along very smoothly until someone gets caught up on something (i.e. the episode of Seinfeld where George tries to open the condom like a bag of chips and looses Mr. Happy all the time)

Anyways, I finally got his jeans off this time, running my hands up his stomach. I pulled his underwear down with my teeth, a move he seems to like, and started sucking. I heard him sigh loudly, and he started to pump his hips almost immediately. He had his hands on the back of my head, pushing my head almost too far down on his cock. My gag reflex is getting better, but it's still not at 100%, so I motioned for him to ease up a little bit. Man, he smelled so good, must have been body spray or something, but I've never smelled it before. I was massaging his hips as he pushed up to meet my mouth, and then I ran my hands underneath his ass, grabbing his cheeks. After about 10 minutes, he said he was getting close and lifted my head. He sat up and pushed me back down on the bed. He pulled my underwear off, and went to work. He was even more into sucking me off now than he was last time. He ran his tongue up my stomach, back down my thighs, between my thighs, and was teasing me. It took him a good 5 minutes before he finally took me in. I had my hands at my sides, and he grabbed my wrists to hold them there, not letting me move them. I noticed that he seems to have a light bondage fetish, and I also have a set of actual steel handcuffs. I know the key for them is somewhere, I just have to find it before I slap them on him, or vice versa ;)

So he was really doing an awesome job with his tongue, and not being able to move my hands was driving me crazy. Just as I was getting to the edge, he stopped. He crawled up on top of me, like we were in the missionary position. He just started grinding his hips into mine, once again holding my hands up over my head. He stuck his tongue down my throat and thrusted harder. It felt so good, his cock grinding against mine, both ready to go any second. He started breathing harder the same time I did, I opened my eyes. His teeth were bared, his eyes screwed shut, his hair damp with sweat, and almost every inch of our bodies touching one another, still very hot and sweaty. Suddenly, I heard him growl deep in his throat. His head fell on my shoulder, his mouth right next to my left ear. I felt his heavy breath on my neck, and he hissed

"I'm fucking cumming NOWWWWW"

and with that he let loose, as did I, with a long, loud moan, Brad's hips still thrusting hard into me. The feeling of our cum mixed between us was amazing, slippery and sticky, it was then I realized I had gotten my hands free and had my nails dug into his ass. When it was finally over, what seemed like 10 minutes, Brad stayed right on top of me, still panting and sweating. He lifted his head from the crook of my neck and kissed my forehead. I grabbed his face and pulled him down onto me. I rolled us both over so I was now on top. It was my turn to pin his hands, it felt pretty good, powerful. I told him about the handcuffs, and how I'd look for the key later. He smiled and said that sounded like a lot of fun. (P.S. I found the key last night...)

So after we laid there for a few minutes, we got out of bed and jumped in the shower. Nothing much interesting happened there so I won't bore you with those details. After we got out, Brad realized that his shirt had ended up on the bed with us. On the shirt was quite a sizeable stain, so he just threw it in my clothes hamper. He had two shirts on, so he just wore the other one home. (It wasn't until 2 days later that my roommate had done my laundry for me, and washed the shirt. I almost crapped myself when I saw it neatly folded on my bed, clean. She must have never noticed the huge cum stain on it, or if she did, she's never mentioned it)

On the way home, I asked Brad if he had had other people to go visit Christmas Eve. He smiled and said that all day he had only thought of spending it with one person, me. I tried to play it up a little bit, even though it made me feel really tingly inside, so I went "Awwwww" and shoved his shoulder, and he went "No, really. I'm serious. I'm sorry about upsetting you before, and I feel really bad about it. I had a really good time tonight."

When we got to his house, he opened the door, and let it close again. He didn't say anything for awhile, and then he turned and asked if he was going to see me anytime Christmas Day. I said yeah, probably at some point. He asked if I could come over as soon as possible. I said sure, and asked if it was something important. He said no, he just wanted me to be there. He grinned, and leaned over in the seat to give me a quick kiss on the lips. I instinctively pulled away at first because we never kiss in his driveway, you never know how many people are in his house, and/or who's looking out the window. We also never kiss goodbye, this was a first. Anyway, I gave into his kiss, and he smiled. I said "You know, we've been really obvious about everything" and he responded with "Yeah, I know, who gives a fuck?"

And with that, he grabbed my hand real quick, and stepped out of the car. I said "I'll see ya later" and he turned, leaned back in the car, and said "Tomorrow, remember, as soon as you can get away. Sleep tight" and he shut the door.

I started driving away, my head was swimming. This was so unusual, I don't know if he was being like this because this was the first Christmas where his girlfriend wasn't there, and he wasn't used to being alone, but then I remembered last weekend at the camp, he was acting almost the same way. I still can't figure it out. But if it keeps progressing the way it has been, I have a very strong feeling that he's going to suggest that I go out West with him (i.e. like I had previously suggested: go away together, somewhere nobody knows us, and be together.) This sounded absurd, even to me, when I brought it up, but over the past few weeks, the way he's been acting, this idea seemed to make more and more sense. Maybe he did take me seriously, and maybe that's what he wants to do. I'll never bring it up unless he does, but I'd really like to know. I said I'd never let myself fall in love with a guy, but believe me, that's much easier said than done. Especially since, at one time, I was so in love with his sister, thought she was the girl I wanted to marry, but not anymore. I dunno... I have too much to think about right now. But, it does feel really good to see him coming around, and all I could think about when I finally got into bed at mom & dad's 4:30 a.m., was all the nice things he had said to me that night, how he didn't want to spend Christmas Eve with anyone other than me, and how he wanted to see me Christmas Day as soon as I could get away. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.